Sunday, April 3, 2011

It Effing Hurts

My heart feels as if it had been steamrolled and then cut up into smitherines.  H.S.S. came over last night and our conversation brought up some things that pretty much revealed where we stand in terms of moving forward with a committed relationship.

So earlier this week I had asked him out on a date. He happily agreed. I did not get my hopes up. I didn't get all excited as I usually would. My premonitions were right because early Saturday afternoon he called to let me know that he got called in to work and would come over when he finished up his shift. In a nonchalant manner I said "no big deal," to which he took great offense. I asked him if he expected me to get upset and yell at him, and told him that I was trying to be more understanding towards his situation like I told him I would.

So since we weren't going out I offered to order some take out so we could at least have dinner together. He said ok. Turns out that he went out to eat with his coworkers so me waiting all evening to have dinner was a bust. When I learnt this it was after 10 pm so I warmed up some old leftovers (which were surprisingly tasty anyway!).

He showed up at my door at 1 am. I gave him a short kiss and then walked away to my bedroom. I was watching a movie at the time. I had no clue whether or not we were going to get busy. I warmed up some oil and gave him a back massage which sent him snoring within minutes. To my surprise after I woke him, he was all over me tearing my ass up!

We showered, separately as usual, and then I got dressed and went to bed. He joined me after and we snuggled up. As usual, he wanted to talk after sex. I listened to him speak of some hypothetical situations which he was discussing with another friend and he asked me for my unbiased opinion. The two things that he said which  got me saying "huh?" were:

"One day if I should ever trust another woman again..."
"when I am ready to get into another relationship..."

Now in my head I am thinking:

"What am I? Chopped liver?"

It is apparent, he has his walls up. It is also apparent that he does not want to be with me. I am appreciative that he did not lie to me or pretend to be in a committed relationship with me only to have the truth turn around and bite me in the ass. I am however, deeply and truly hurt.

When he was leaving he noticed my disposition had changed because I was not my usual cheery self. He kissed me on the lips and I didn't reciprocate. I was making tea and had my back turned to him as he walked out of my kitchen door. When he noticed I did not accompany him to the door for a last hug or kiss like usual, he then commented on my SUV in the garage, saying that it needed to be washed and he will pick it up on Friday. In times past he has never offered. Usually I would have to beg him. I think he knows that there is a new chasm in our relationship and he offered to wash my vehicle out of guilt. Maybe out of love too, but more out of guilt I think.

How do I proceed from here? I will continue as I have been doing. I made a "new me" resolution a while back, (not a new year's resolution), that I will NOT close myself off from any opportunities of love. I will continue to  meet other potential suitors. I will now cease calling or texting him. However, I will accept his calls and texts and if I feel so inclined I will even let him come over and give me some if he would like to. I will move him back into the category I had him in before - just a fuck who I happen to also love. If you rub an area of skin constantly it hardens in response. It is a natural defense mechanism to protect what's on the inside. Time for me to harden the skin around my heart where he is concerned.

And that shred of principle I thought I had, it is non existent! CL Guy is coming over for dinner. No, I will not sleep with him. I can't anyway.

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