Friday, April 22, 2011

It Really Hit Home

My girls are going to grow up without their dad. Maybe they will see him once a year. But they are going to grow up without him.  And it hurts. I tried my best. I told myself that I was going to get married and have kids. I am very traditional when it comes to having children out of wedlock. I was born out of wedlock (even though my parents married after 36 years of being together *rolleyes*).

I grew up without my father being around for most of my life. He would come once a year for 3 weeks at a time. It was other men in my life who taught me how to ride a bike without training wheels, tie a Windsor knot, fly a kite, and finally, to drive. These men were either friends of my mother, her ex boyfriend, or the father of my best friend. I would get jealous visiting my cousins who had their dad at home with them. I felt so out of place, like a black sheep.

 Lord knows I tried, but my best was not good enough. I could not control the external circumstances. I got some news just now from a reliable source that the STBE is most likely leaving the country in the next couple years. While I feel happy that he won't be nearby to harass me, I am deeply saddened for my girls. I also see I have some work ahead of me to find surrogate fathers for them. I believe that it is very important for little girls to have a male figure in their lives so that they can know how to relate to one when they are older.

I had considered H.S.S. as a good one as he is the father of a little girl as well, and a very good one too. I thought of it but decided to halt with that notion until I knew for certain what was going on with us. I suppose when the dust settles in that arena I could bring it up. Despite the fact that we were broken up, we remained a part of each other's lives as friends, and I doubt that we will ever stop being friends if we should even decide to stop being intimate.

Anyway, my mind is not even on that portion of it as it is too far down the road, but I feel as if I failed my girls.

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