This Will Not End Well

Yes, as the image suggests he is of a lighter persuasion. 

Well, half German half Black but looks more white than he does black.

 Is it possible to get your swirl on with already swirled coffee? LOL!

So if you have been following, you should be somewhat familiar with the guy I met on Craigslist. We have been in regular contact since he texted me about 2 weeks ago. It has been going great. He's really forced his presence on me. And I love it. He sends me a text every morning. He checks on me periodically throughout the day. And we have seen each other twice.

He is a pretty laid back guy. Very gentle, caring, not afraid to show his sensitive side. He's really tall at 6'4. Brown hair, beautiful hazel eyes. Truly, if my heart was not already tied up in my own mess I could see myself falling for this guy. He has a great job. He has two boys who are about the same gap in age as my girls. He's a Cancer like H.S.S. He's spiritual but not religious like myself. He reads. He likes jazz. He likes me.

The day I went to the doctor's for my high blood pressure he was in contact with me all day trying to find out my progress and even offrered to be with me if they admitted me to the ER. I went home and he wanted to see me. I did not want him at my home around my kids and he understood so we met up at a pool hall near my house. It was quiet in there so we sat by the bar and he ordered drinks while I had just water with a wedge of lemon and talked for about an hour.

This past Sunday he came over at my very reluctant invitation. We watched college basketball together that afternoon and he was a perfect gentleman. He brought over some wine at my request and I made us some game time food. We were not intimate but did cuddle, which I must admit took a great deal of strength for me. As I have mentioned before, I have intimacy issues and it was my H.S.S. who first made me aware and tried to coax me out of it.  CL Guy didn't even try to play tonsil hockey with me. Just a quick peck on the lips if I allowed him.

I see this guy possibly falling for me. I see myself basking in his affections but not reciprocating because my heart is elsewhere. I cannot be intimate with him because he does not appear to be the type who will be satisfied with being just a booty call. I made him know from the get -go that I was not interested in a committed relationship as I was fresh out of a bad marriage. He said the same. He said he didn't mind if I saw other people but his pressing need to be with me is becoming an issue. He wants me to meet him down at the coast this weekend. He is down there for a business conference. I couldn't have gone anyway, but I don't want to.

I asked my girl today for advice on how to break things off with him. I really like him. I just can't be with him. He would be like a rebound for me. He is a great guy but I feel as if I would be settling instead of waiting for the next best thing to come along, or even working with the best thing I have going on in my life right now which is my love for my H.S.S. It wouldn't be fair to him. I don't want to hurt him but I know already that this will not end well.


blkmsm@gmail.com

The Fine Line Between Sexual Liberation and Skankdom

I am knee deep in some serious thought at this moment. If I did not have at least one shred of principle, I would very likely end up having 3 dates in as many days, between Thursday and Saturday. It is very likely that I would have slept with at least 2 of the 3 dates.

But as I said, I do have a shred of principle. And it bothers me. It bothers me because it does not bother men when they go around boinking all the women they have in circulation. They just wash the tool off and put it back to work just as fast. It bothers me because I hear H.S.S.'s words echoing in my head that women can't do the same thing that men do. It bother's me because I am "doing me" and I can sleep with whoever I want whenever I want g'dammit!

I don't know how much is too much for a woman, or anyone for that fact. I do know that there is a fine line. The line that exists between "getting yours" and being "skanky". I've always heard the saying: 'it's not what you do, but how you do it'. I guess that old adage would apply here.

Your thoughts?



blkmsm@gmail.com

Patience Is A Virtue

And a virtuous woman I am not . It has been ten days since I revealed my newfound desires to H.S.S.  He was supposed to come over last weekend but ended up doing a 12 hour shift then on his way to me he almost ran off the road. He sent me a text after telling me that he scratched his bumper but was ok considering what almost happened. He also said he did not feel like talking at that point and he was going to go sleep it off.

This was at 1:30am. I called him twice and he sent the calls to voicemail. He then sent me a text that he was not blaming me but he just needed to sleep it off. I was fuming. I was not going to bug him about not seeing me. I just wanted to know the details of what happened and if he was ok.

The following afternoon I received a text telling me that he was sorry if he appeared to be rude but he was shook up and in a bad mood after his near accident. I told him that I was sorry for placing unrealistic expectations on him and it would not happen again. He replied saying that he did not think they were unrealistic. I was still pissed at the way he handled the situation and did not pursue a conversation with him.

The days wore on without either of us communicating with the other and it was driving me crazy! I wondered if he suddenly got cold feet about being with me and was slowly easing his way out. I drove my girlfriend crazy with my what-ifs and my insecurities. She kept encouraging me to call him or text him, and to be patient. So finally, in the middle of the week I decided to end the stand off. At about 7am I sent him a text asking him how he was and telling him how I was, (which was not great!). No response.

My patience with this man was growing increasingly thin. I said to my girl that I was done. I was gonna do me. Ha! She said I was supposed to call him. Finally, later on that night I did. Got him but I caught him at a bad time. Then finally it occurred to me that he probably thought I was just calling him about the D. I realized that we haven't gone out together all winter. He had mentioned a few times that he thinks I only called him on the weekends when I want some loving. which to an extent was true. But I am busy during the week and so is he, so I don't like to bother him. A light bulb went off in my head that I needed to prove to him that he is not just a f*** to me. Also, I realized that we needed to be in a neutral setting so he would not have any anxiety about pleasing me in bed (or on counter) every time we are together. So I "manned up" and sent him a text asking him if he was free on Saturday evening because I wanted to take him out on a date. His response:

Ok. 
What time?

I was on the phone with CL Guy (*sigh*) for nearly an hour before I realized that he had replied. As a matter of fact, he called before I got a chance to see the text. We spent a good chunk of time on the phone talking about our lives within the past few days when the topic of our date finally came up. He was actually excited to go. I told him I was taking him bowling. Asked him if he was any good and he said no. I said, "good, at least I can beat your ass in something."

He laughed. I told him that I just wanted to hear his voice and make sure that he was ok. I also chided him for not dropping a line here and there. His response was that he owed me more than a line. I ended the conversation with him without mentioning anything about our talk or the status of our relationship. I did not need to. I see I have alot of work ahead of me. He is insecure about a lot of things and if I am going to be his number only I am going to have to work on my part to make him secure in me, us. The same way he needs to convince me that he wants to be my number only. Until then I will not close myself off from any opportunities that may come along. The thing is, it takes a lot of time and patience trying to reassure someone. Sadly, patience just happens to be a virtue that I lack.

blkmsm@gmail.com

A Matter of Love, Life, and Death

Most recently I have been faced with some serious health problems. I found out a while back that I had hypertension. I had pre-eclampsia during my pregnancies but I always returned to normal after. This time around though my blood pressure has been going through the roof. I know this is because of the chronic stress I am experiencing in my life.

A week ago I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. My blood pressure was so high that they refused to clean my teeth until I had a release from my PCP saying that it was under control. I was taking my meds everyday. The only thing was that I was not taking them at the same time everyday because I had to take it with food, and since I have been plagued with the decision to tell H. S. Sweetheart about my feelings I have not been eating that much.

Monday night I was feeling terrible. I was fatigued so I went to bed around 8pm. Saw that CL Guy had texted but I decided not to respond. On Tuesday morning at 2am I was up and feeling like crap. Could not go to sleep. Hoping that he was up studying, I texted H.S. Sweetheart and told him I was not well and would probably go to the ER if my doctor refused to see me. He did not respond til 7am and told me to keep him posted. Out of courtesy I told CL Guy that I was not feeling well when he texted and had to take care of myself so I would call him later.

He texted throughout the day wanting to make sure I was ok. When I was at the docs he told me to call him if they decided to admit me to the hospital.  He did not want me to be there by myself. My blood pressure was through the roof. The nurse said I was a ticking time bomb and I was lucky my heart did not jump out my chest.

H.S. Sweetheart did text me and asked me where I was and told me to try to remain calm and relax. He did not say anything about wanting to be by my side and it made me realize how alone a debilitating moment like this can make me feel. I finally feel like I lose my sense of immortality. I have quite a few men in my life who really care about me, but the one I really want by my side would not drop all his obligations to be next to me. I know he cares but that really hurt. After I was treated I told him I was feeling a little better and he said he was happy to hear. Haven't called him or spoken to him since. Don't intend to. We had plans for this weekend so let's see if he follows through.  Otherwise, I will divert my attention elsewhere. I learned a trick a long time ago that the best way to get a guy's attention is to ignore him.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Let's Be Screwed Up Together

And so it all went down. I saw my boo. It was a very tedious few weeks. I wanted everything to be perfect, but it wasn't.The first weekend we were supposed to have some cuddle time and he ended up falling asleep. We agreed to meet again this past weekend and after shaving the vajayjay clean, dressing up in  my sexy lingerie, fishnets, garter belts and my hooker heels, the same thing took place. Sunday night, he was supposed to see me after his shift ended but he was hemming and hawing. I got pissed and talked him into letting me come by his house. He acquiesced.

Unloading

I got there at about a quarter to ten on Sunday night. I was nervous, irritated, hopeful, calm. I was feeling every emotion on every spectrum. As I called him to let him know I was sitting outside his house, I sat in my vehicle contemplating what my first words to him in person would be. He finally came outside and we hugged and shared a quick kiss on the lips. He sat in the passenger seat and then I began to unload on him.

I was frustrated with  him cancelling out on me. He said that he was exhausted after working a full time job and going to school full time, and he was afraid of how it may affect his performance. (LOL!) I told him that we did not have to have sex every time we were together. We had prior conversations about spending time together even if it was a quick lunch or something simple. He then said that he did not think I would be interested because I only called him on the weekends when I wanted some loving. True but not so true. We are both busy during the weekdays so I will usually drop him a text here or there - most of which he never usually answers anyway.

The Confession

So after beating around the bush I confessed to him that I had been thinking a lot for the past couple weeks and that I was in love with him and I wanted to be with him. He looked away and chuckled. Silence followed. To break the ice I decided to say, "and here goes the awkward silence."

He looked at me and said that he was just blown away by that and was not expecting it at all. I knew where this was going. I was the one who always harped on not wanting a relationship and wanting to see other people. Before he could remind me I told him that I had said all those things because I was insecure and I was scared. I was scared of being hurt.

He said he understood and he could relate. His seeing different women throughout much of his single life has always been a way of protecting himself from being hurt. He talked about personal issues that he was dealing with. Things such as the childhood abuse he suffered and his not being able to see his daughter on a regular basis came up. He was dissatisfied with where he was in his life on a professional level. I pointed out that he was working on achieving his goals, but he pretty much had it set that he was past his prime and still not where he wanted to be. In a nutshell, he said he was screwed up and probably in need of psychiatric counselling. I held his hand and said, "let's be screwed up together."

Yearning

He looked at me, caressed my face, and said that he would put me through hell. I told him that I had been to hell and back with my STBE. He insisted he would put me through much worse and he loves me too much to do that to me. I no longer pursued the conversation. I told him it was time to go and leaned over to kiss him goodnight. My lips lingered much longer than I had anticipated and before I knew it he wanted me.

Without hesitation I went inside his house, holding his hand as he led me to his lair. He turned to face me as we stopped in front of his bed and before long our clothes were off and he was on top of me giving my body what it was yearning for. Yes, we made love. With each stroke I felt like I saw a piece of his soul enter me. We kissed each other madly, as if we were parched and the other was our oasis. He bit on my neck like he was biting into the sweetest piece of fruit he had ever tasted. He asked if I missed him. I replied, "of course I did." He whispered words in my ear that I couldn't hear but I knew exactly what he was saying because it was like an unspoken language between us. I felt my body almost levitating from where we were. I stopped breathing, tears streamed from my eyes, and my back arched as I grab his body and pulled it tight against mine as I climaxed. It was not long after when he told me to open up and receive him.

The Future

We laid there, spent. I told him that I came. He said he knew. I saw a look of sadness and confusion on his face as he stared into mine and probably saw the same thing too. We did not have to say anything. We were thinking the same thing. I asked him if he really did love me, he said he did. That was all I needed to know. I got cleaned up, dressed, then kissed him goodbye.

I do not know what is going to become of us in the future. We have always been in the background of each other's lives, but apparently we are both not quite ready to be in the foreground just yet. I think it would kill both of us if we were to cease communication altogether. Now that I wore my heart on my sleeve and put myself out there, let's see where it goes. Only time will tell.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Deciding When To Give Him Some

Have you ever dated someone for a while, or flirted with them for so long, years even, that you tell yourself that "it's time to give them some"? I've had a couple men in my life for many years whom I have been mostly platonic with. Not even a kiss on the lips. But the tension is there. The attraction is there. But neither the drive nor opportunity has presented itself.

I am kinda of the mindset that if you do not want to tear his clothes off the moment you meet him, then the spark probably just isn't there. I am trying to learn how to widen my horizons. Learning to not write off a man just because he does not fit my prototype.

My STBE and I had an immediate attraction to each other. I have no complaints about the sex between us. When we were good, it was great. When I hated him and could not stand his guts, I just laid there and took it like a bitch. He hated when I did that, but could not resist the opportunity to bust a nut.

My H.S. sweetheart and I have had a magnetic attraction since day one. I still have the diary I wrote in during my teenage years and in it I remember writing that I thought he was "foin" and I wanted to "f" him. LOL! After so many years, the incredible attraction is still there. I want to rip his clothes off every time I see him. I secretly salivate and throb in his presence. With him, there has never been a doubt when it comes to giving him some.

Even my married (ex) lover had a similar effect on me. I met him at a cookout with his wife present and I remember there was a lot of conversation between us, and the magnetic energy that was there had even his wife on the edge. She kept coming up to check on him, as if I was going to snatch him up right in front of her. LOL! The first lunch date we had set the pace for many others after that. I just knew I wanted him and I had to have him so I took him. I stopped messing with him after I got married, but since my separation I decided to have a friendly lunch with him. And of course he knew I was weak and took full advantage. Did not have to try too hard to get me in a hotel room.

Now there are other men in my life whom I have known for many years. I know they are attracted to me and I like them too, but I could never get off the launching pad like I did with my STBE husband, my H.S. Sweetheart, and my married (ex) lover (who still calls me by the way!). Some of these men have been there for me during difficult times in my life: offering a sounding board when I needed one, advice when I needed it, and acts of kindness when I was in need. Yet still, I have never been able to go beyond the threshold of platonicism to romanticism.

So what factors do you use to decide when you want to sleep with a man? How do you nudge yourself to look beyond the physical or mental barriers that probably held you back for so long?



blkmsm@gmail.com

Living Successfully with Screwed Up People

I was in the pharmacy picking up a prescription this evening when I saw this book. The title is catchy, but I am going to remain skeptical about the contents even though I have not read it yet.

Why wasn't this book published while there was still a chance of saving my marriage? Why wasn't this book published before I became screwed up too? Should I give this book to the next potential man who could possibly end up living with me? Worst of all, how do I live with myself?

I have read self help books on relationships before and they all echo the same thing: compromise and respect. Unfortunately, I was not able to do all of that by myself. I compromised and respected his decisions, and it still got me the shitty end of the stick.

Will let you know my take when I finish reading it!


blkmsm@gmail.com

We Are All Prostitutes

Women that is. Don't get mad. Yes we are! First of all, let me define what a prostitute is. A prostitute is one who engages in sexual activity with another person in exchange for compensation, such as money or other valuable goods. If you have ever gotten anything of monetary value from a man, then honey, you ARE a pro! 


Pro What?


As women, our bodies are pawns in the game of relationships. Once we decide to settle for the most eligible competitor, it is usually based on a number of factors. Financial stability (or the prospect of such) is usually one of the biggest factors. He does not have to be balling and stanking rich now, but he must appear to have ambition and to be going someplace in life.


Prostitution does not necessarily indicate some kind of back alley blowjob. Nor does it encompass some scantily clad skank with bad makeup and horrid hair.  A prostitute could be as upscale as one of Heidi Fleiss's call girls. She could be as wayward and naive as Princess Di was. She could be the busy housewife down the street. She could be your girlfriend. She could be you.


Profiting from the Booty


Our body is our weapon. We all have phenomenal power in our vagina. There have been odes, poems, stories, and songs written about it. Monuments have been built, and cities have been destroyed because of it. What we have learnt to do over the centuries is to harness that power. We have been inherently socialized to not let anyone access the naani unless we are directly benefiting from it. (This is why they say prostitution is the oldest profession).  Now, how much we benefit is up to us. Some only gain a drink or two at the club from the naani. Some get to eat at a nice restaurant. Heck, some are even willing to trade it for the dollar menu at McDonald's! 


Again, how we profit is within our control. On the higher end of the spectrum, some women hold on to the goods until they get the ring. With the ring comes the aforementioned financial stability which every woman craves. With the ring comes unlimited access to the spouse's earnings. The sky is the limit with the ring. I have withheld sex from my STBE during the times I was pissed off with him. Whenever I wanted something from him, be it money or a favor, I would put it on him in the worst way. He knew what time it was. And I have no shame in my game. I was happy to get what I wanted, and he was happy to get what he wanted. 


Most recently, I have gone out and accepted drinks from men. No, I have not slept with any of them, but I suppose it is the promise of making conversation with me that initiates the buying of drinks in the first place. Conversation leads to getting to know me which potentially leads to bedding me. Unfortunately for them, it has not happened. I also recently accepted an expensive gift from a male friend with whom I have never been romantic. Of course I know there is an intent behind the gifts yet still I accept the niceties because I believe that if a man wants to approach me he should come strong. And, money is not everything but I have been around long enough to know that money is something and without it you can do nothing!


Dear Johns


So, if we are all prostitutes that means all men are johns? Yes. Sorry fellas, that's just the way it is. Before we decide to give it up we should first decide how much we are worth. Many women are selling themselves short. We don't expect much from our men (johns) so we don't get much. That independent woman mess is ruining potential relationships. Some men take women out and split the bill because they claim they do not want to insult us. Other men reverse the roles completely and expect women to take care of them financially! Nothing is wrong with being independent, but a man still has to feel needed. If he does not feel needed, he will not step up and fulfill the role you expect him to.   


When we do get a decent man we sometimes forget to "make him feel good", so he in turn loses interest and will sometimes move on. We have to play our roles, up the ante, and reap the rewards of our hard work, because yes, maintaining a relationship is hard work!  


blkmsm@gmail.com

Y-O-Y??? Return of the CL Guy

So today I get a text from a number I did not recognize. It was an out of state number. I opened the text and saw old text messages between myself and the other party. I then put two and two together that it was the CL Guy.

A few months ago I went on craigslist and posted a personal ad for the first time in my life. I finally went out on a date with this one man. The story is well documented here. It did not last long and resulted with me deleting him from my contacts altogether. Or so I thought, as his old texts were apparently still in my phone.

So his texts word for word are as follows:


"Hello, just checking in 2 c how u hv been doing since i imagine things must b tough on u"


"im doing much better n feel that i wld b better company than b4"


"i appreciate ur consideration & patience w me n look 4ward 2 giving d quality time u desrv"

This was my reply:



I like him. He interests me. But I don't know if I would want to pursue a relationship with a man who is incapable of dealing with his pain without shutting himself off. I may go out with him again but only in the capacity of a friend. Right now I am embattled with major decision-making where H.S. Sweetheart is concerned, and it is impractical for me to complicate an already complicated situation before resolving it.

Stay tuned!

blkmsm@gmail.com

Faith In My Life

I know in this world today there are many people who will argue that religion is for sheeple who cannot think on their own. This post may not cater to your stance on religion. This post is to explain to you, my readers, why faith has been a phenomenal part of my life.


I am no saint. I am not perfect. I am far from the stereotypical church-going, hat-wearing, bible study going Christian. I've committed adultery, fornicated, I swear. I drink. I have gorged. I have done unspeakable things. The greatest thing about my belief in God is that I can find redemption.

There are nights when I wish I would never wake up. Days I wish I were never born. I have gone through some terrible things, and I am still doing so. But it seems like every time I am on the brink of destruction there is always a breakthrough. I have seen it time and time again in my life. I can't say with a certainty that I know that God really exists, but I can say that I feel within my core that He does. I feel at peace when I can speak freely about my troubles and ask for guidance. I know within myself that I am being watched over, and I take comfort in the fact that someone is listening to my prayers and watching over my loved ones too.

I have no definite answers about anything, but the best way for me to describe my faith is like fuel for a vehicle. Having faith gets me where I need to go. When I run into problems I turn to my faith and then I feel renewed, like I have the strength to persevere. Enough courage to last me until the next breakthrough.

Crickets Chirping

Hey Ladies!

How are you? Greetings to my friends from the US, Canada, UK, Germany, Italy, Jamaica, Australia, and wherever else you hail from. A special shoutout to my 2 public followers. Appreciate it ladies! Hope you've enjoyed journeying with me.

*chirp chirp*

I would love to hear more than just the crickets chirping in here. Add comments if you have any feedback, or if you would like to contact me behind the scenes my email address is blkmsm@gmail.com.

Thanks again for reading!

Sitting Here In Limbo

That's what my girl said I was doing with my H. S. Sweetheart and that I needed to make a decision soon. She makes a valid argument but I know within myself that I am not ready to go there with him. In addition, the decision to have that "talk" with him could drive us even closer together or end our relationship altogether. I am not prepared for either. I am not prepared for heartache, and I am not prepared to be claimed.

Her Story

She may very well read this, but I feel that it is okay to share this because her story could be any woman's story. She recently got out of a bad relationship that lasted quite a few years. My friend met another man, who from what I gather seems to be a really great guy. At the time however, she was just like me: not ready to jump headfirst in another committed relationship. Finally after the new guy was treating her like his girlfriend she decided she was ready to make it official. At that point he decided that he was comfortable with their previous arrangement and unsure if he wanted to commit to her at this point. She reasoned with me that us women do not make our intentions clear from early and our men get comfortable with the arrangement because we have given them a free ride for so long. She told me that I need to be concise with him and state what I want and then wait.

My Story

You should be familiar with my story by now. Although I am through with my STBE physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I am still legally married. For various reasons which will go unmentioned, I have not filed for divorce, and do not plan to do so until certain matters are settled. I do not want to open one door before I close another.

I want love, sex, romance, and a friend when I need one. So far, I have this with my H.S. Sweetheart and I am content at the moment. At this time in my life, I also would like the flexibility to date or meet new people. I do not prioritize a committed relationship now, because I was in one for so long. But I think my wanting to explore my options is based on my own fears, a fear of being hurt or rejected by someone I am truly in love with. Him.

What To Do?

If in fact I do take care of whatever matters I have on my hands right now, and I am legally single and available, I would make him my number only. I do want him in my life. I am still deeply in love with him. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him again. I am just afraid. Afraid of putting the question to him and forcing him to make a decision and then have him back away slowly. I am nervous and shaking right now just thinking about it. I should see him this weekend so if I work up the nerve then I will tell him that I love him and I want to be with him. Will let you all know how that goes!

Keeping It Caliente

Now no matter how good your sex life is, you may find yourself in a rut every now and then. The key to avoiding this is to try something new every now and then. Don't think you can go pulling new stunts during every encounter. You will tire yourself quickly, become frustrated and most likely pull a muscle. Besides, sometimes a good old fashioned lay is all you need to get you off. I try to pull a new stunt out of the hat at least once a month. Here are some things I have either added to the bedroom (or whichever room we may happen to be in at the time), thought about, or intend to try when the opportunity arises.

Break out the Toys

They don't have to be just for moments of solitude or during a dry spell. Break out your collection and get crazy with it. My favorite toy for dual play is what I like to call the U-boat. It is shaped like a U and vibrates. Insert it in the vajayjay and enjoy the internal stimulation as well as the clitoral stimulation while your boo is putting it down on ya! *sigh*

Lickably Delicious

Melted chocolate, strawberries, warm honey and alcohol infused whipped cream makes for some sweet foreplay. Tease your lover by staying away from the "danger zones" and licking everywhere else...behind the knees and between the thighs is awesome! Elbow joints are great too.

Painful Pleasure

I like hot wax, some like whips, some like to get spanked, I prefer a tap on the clitoris. Whatever floats your boat. Just make sure that the recipient is okay with it and don't go from 0 to 60 on the pain-ometer.

Positions

Let's face it. It's usually one of the three positions that you usually go for: missionary, woman on top, or doggy style. *Yawn* Buy a Karma Sutra book and switch it up on him every now and then.

Orifice Exploration

He is like a shuttle and you are the astronaut on the Discovery. Take him to the moon and back...Nuff said!

Openly Share Your Fantasies

The great thing about fantasies is that they don't always have to come true, but they are still great to think about. I told my sweetheart that I fantasized about a threesome with two guys and let's just say that he kinda made it come true (with the aid of a toy of course!). Sometimes you could even do role play. Your mate may not even want to go through with it but may get turned on by the mere fact that you can be sooo nastay!!!

My Womanhood In This Day And Age

Today is being celebrated worldwide as International Women's Day. If it weren't for Facebook I probably would not have remembered. Much in the way that I don't need the month of February to remind me that I am black, I don't need a day to remind me that I am a woman. I am reminded everyday of my powers as well as my limitations.

Just last night I was having a conversation with H.S. Sweetheart about finishing up grad school. The first thing he had to say about that was that I needed to get my home life straightened out first because I have the kids and I have alot going on. So? Many women have alot of things going on. Many men have alot going on too. Does this mean that I can't accomplish my goals? He tells me that he is not saying I can't but...

Already he has me pegged. The odds are stacked against me because I am a woman. Now, I do not deny that I have alot of roles that I must play, alot of responsibilities to fullfill, and alot of tasks to juggle. But it has been wired in my DNA to tackle everything that was thrown my way with a smile. Yes I may sweat or shed a few tears, but after panting, and pushing, and breathing I usually give birth to my ambitions. The pain may be great, but with perseverance I usually smile at the end.

I do not deny that this glass ceiling exists. Nor do I not acknowledge my own limitations as a female. All I am trying to say is that I work though whatever problem I am faced with. If complacency is not an option then I push to remove the status quo. If it benefits me to stick to traditional gender roles then I do so. As a woman today I have to be flexible and I have to find that balance. The balance between being independent and being feminine.

Sex and Sexuality

"Women are at the mercy of a man's dick." H.S. Sweetheart said this to me once when I had told him that I wanted to see other people. This is true. In a committed relationship it is usually the woman who has to find a form of birth control. If he is a cheater you leave yourself vulnerable to contracting STD's. Even if you insist that he uses condoms he could always find sneaky ways to get around this...most times without you ever knowing!

Likewise, men are also at a woman's mercy. I love the fact that after about a decade and a half my Sweetheart is still excited about being with me. I love the fact that my married lover of a decade still calls me hoping to become romantic with me again. I love the fact that my STBE still writes me nauseating letters telling me how much he loves me. I also love the fact that men, who I have never been romantic with nor desire to be with, buy me expensive gifts or offer to take me on trips. I am NOT the sexiest woman on the planet and yes, I admit I can be a bitch on the wrong day. But I got to give it up to the naani because it has powers that can be harnessed be any woman who is in tune with her body!

In addition to having a sexual aura, women nowadays tend to be more liberal with who they sleep with. In times past, a man had to earn his way into a woman's underwear, oftentimes by way of marriage. Nowadays, women are practically offering it up on a platter before the man even has an appetite. This sort of "sexual liberation" has a double edged sword. Yes, it has become more acceptable for a woman to have more than one partner, but at the end of the day, men still regard such women as being loose and do not desire to marry a woman of reputation. Because of "liberated sex", marriage is the last thing on a man's brain and many women end up crying over spilt milk when the clock starts ticking.

Education, Work, and Family

Statistics do not lie. More women than men today are furthering their education by achieving undergraduate, graduate, post graduate degrees. But more educated women do not necessarily mean many highly paid women exist. The sad reality is that mostly men still occupy top positions in most companies. Why is this? Women have periods and they have babies. They are more likely to call out because of a sick child, or have off-days when they are on the rag. It is a sad truth but it is what it is. There are the exceptions to the rule who do make it to the top, but oftentimes end up sacrificing family time in order to chase the paper.

Women like myself are often ridden with guilt when they spend too much time away from their kids. It is hard to climb the success ladder without sacrificing family life. Men are wired to spend extended amounts of time from their families. Back in the days when families survived on just dad's income that was OK. Today, both mom and dad are working, while little Junior is in daycare or an extended hours after school program. It is my opinion that this sort of lifestyle is contribution to the denigration of society, as mothers of the past stayed home and made sure that everyone toed the line. Now our children's values are being shaped by The Simpsons and Family Guy (shows I will admit I am huge fans of but not for the moral content!).

Balancing Act

With today's socio-economical disposition, women today are needed both at home and in the workforce. They are also expected to be freaks between the sheets and saints in the streets. We are expected to fulfill opposing roles and we are quite capable of doing so. The keyword though is "balance". We need to hold on to our femininity, yet still be able to hold our own like our male counterparts. I could pee standing up but it makes more sense for me to just sit. Just like I am sure I could repair the leaks in my roof if I watch enough DIY, but it just makes more sense to ask my guy. And just because I am "independent", it does not mean that my date should not hold the door or pull out chairs for me. And no, we are not splitting the bill, no matter how much I offer.

We are beyond the point of proving that we can do what men can do. Yes we can! What we should ask ourselves is if the sacrifices we make are worth it. I can bed as many guys as I feel like because I am my own person dagnabit, but is it worth it to have tons of meaningless, cheap sex and possibly contract a virus or get pregnant with God-knows-who's kid? I could make more money if I put in 80 hours a week at work, but will all the nice clothes and toys be sufficient for the kids? I try to ask myself all these questions when I think about making changes to areas in my life.

Me Time vs We Time

By the time Friday rolled around I had received invitations from quite a few girlfriends to go out that night for happy hour and partying. To tell you the truth, under normal circumstances I would have jumped at the first opportunity to do so, but this week was different. I had put in more hours at work than I usually did and hardly got a chance to see the kids and spend any time with them. I was also dog tired so there is no way that I would have enjoyed myself with my eyes all bloodshot and me feeling fatigued.

So this weekend I opted to spend it at home. No hanging out with the girlfriends, and no kicking it with the man. I was planning to devote my entire downtime this weekend to the girls.

We did not do much, and to tell you the truth it was the most relaxing time I've had with them in a long time. I took them to the dentist today, which was great for them because there is a playscape there and they get free toys and a goodie bag to take home.

After that we went grocery shopping. The younger one was not too thrilled but the older one enjoyed it because she got to pick out her favorite snacks. On our way home I asked what they wanted for dinner and was told that they wanted mac and cheese.

Made them some mac and cheese with their favorite chicken nuggets and they ate happily then went down to their playroom. I thought they would be buzzing around me because they missed me all week but that was not the case. So I just hung out in the kitchen with my mother and just chatted away as we made and ate dinner together. We rarely eat together at the dining table but after the week I had I felt it was important to do so. The kids played through much of the evening til nightfall. I had borrowed a few DVD's from the library for them so I asked what they wanted to watch. The Little Mermaid was requested and we had snacks and cuddled in their bed until I was asleep. I don't know what time they went to sleep but I know I was knocked out way before they were. Tomorrow I am keeping a low profile also. We are baking cookies and having a tea party this afternoon.

These activities can be very mundane to some, and cut into some valuable time that we could be using to do other chores or make extra money, but we owe it to our kids to spend some time with them. Yes, the Wii is nice, but it's nicer if you play it with your children sometimes. It's not the quantity of time you spend with your kids but the quality. My kids' father is not actively in their lives right now, not due to our separation but because he lives in a different time zone, so I owe it to the girls to be there for them whenever I can. It is very difficult to balance work and family life in today's world but we should always strive to budget our time accordingly.

I Cried On My Way Home

I am not a crybaby. I never cry. I try to. I know it cleanses the soul of whatever burdens are within. But I could never bring myself to tears no matter how hard I tried. No matter what sadness I think of I could never get myself on the verge of expelling hot tears. So what exactly set me off this evening? I don't know what happened.

I think it is a culmination of all the things that have been going on in my life.

Loss of my marriage.

Financial uncertainty.

Romantic uncertainty.

Uncertainty in how my kids will be affected by the changes.

Having disagreements with my mother.

Feeling unloved by my father.

Feeling like an outcast in my family.

Feeling lost and confused.

Feeling like a failure.

*Sigh* This took place for about two minutes before I had to pull myself together and plaster a smile for the kids as I walked through the door.

Drip Drip Drip

So what's this latest obsession with leaking vaginas? Please enlighten me! It used to be frowned upon but within the past decade or so, female ejaculation has become almost a prerequisite for a normal sexual relationship. OK. Almost.

I will attest that I have done this on two separate occasions. The first time was with H.S. sweetheart. It was our first time back together after so many years. I did not even know what I had done until I looked at the sheets when we were through. At first I thought I had pissed the bed but then I realized that he is just that damn good!

The second time was with my husband after I guided him into manually manipulating my organs to a crazy g-spot triggered orgasm. He enjoyed it I suppose. Yes, he really did. He bragged about it for two weeks.

Do I enjoy doing it? I guess I do, solely for the aesthetic pleasure. It is visually appealing and mentally satisfying for a man to be capable of manipulating a woman's body to that extent. There is no faking of anything when you can see it right before your eyes. But no, because I hate ruining my sheets and I am not laying out all my towels either. Also, although I am well versed on the biological content of a female's ejaculate, in the back of my mind I think it is piss. Mind over matter I guess!

Edited to Add: I realize I could not end this post without a "how to" instructional!

How to Achieve Feminine Ejaculate

Some women orgasm easily. A gentle breeze, breast play, clitoral stimulation, etc all aid in orgasm. But female ejaculation is very difficult for most women to achieve and one must be in tune with their body sexually to accomplish this.

I have achieved this both from vaginal stimulation, and manual stimulation of the g-spot. Clitoral stimulation does nothing to help me achieve this. Vaginal stimulation is just a matter of a hit or miss. The right position, length, girth, timing between strokes, all play a factor into achieving this.

Manual stimulation of the g-spot is a more controlled way of achieving ejaculate. Of course it is not cool to just jump right in with the fist. Get loose first. A great game of tonsil hockey is enough for me to lubricate. Others might opt to have their partner take a dive and lick the clitoris. That is ok. Do whatever makes you happy. Once you are feeling aroused have your partner insert two fingers inside the vagina, palm facing up. Have him stroke your clitoris orally or using his thumb while bending his fingers back and forth to apply pressure to the G-spot. It should feel like a round ball and even more pronounced once aroused.

Once you are on the verge of climax you may feel like you are about to piss yourself. Don't worry, you are but you aren't. Let your inhibitions go and shower your honey. And do remember to place lots of towels or thick blankets down. Yes, it does get that wet. ;-)

Getting My Swirl On

I've dabbled with interracial dating since I was 18 years old. I have always had the hots for men of different ethnicities but never gone all the way with very many outside of my race. My STBE was born in the Caribbean but of Indian descent. His look is confusing though because he could pass for either Puerto Rican or Mexican depending on where in the country he is. I loved that about him.

Since I've reemerged on the dating scene I have given serious thought to interracial dating. I wanna get some milk in my coffee, some adobo on my black beans, and maybe some duck sauce on my fried chicken. L-O-L!!!

But on a serious note, interracial dating is frowned upon in our community. Why? I do not know. I think it speaks to some insecurity in ourselves as a people. Truth be told, I really love seeing interracial couples. I am not the type of sister who will scowl at a black man with his arms around a white woman. I most likely would not have hooked up with him in the first place so if she is happy with him then more power to her, and to both of them. I also can't help but stare at a white male-black female couple. That is one of the rarer interracial relationships and could even be considered an anomaly.

I do find it visually appealing to see two different skin shades next to each other. Call me a Benetton ad fanatic but I think it's just awesome! I think if we get past our visual and mental barriers, we will find out that deep down we are very much alike. Maybe not exactly to the tee, but core ethics are usually the same across racial boundaries.

Going back to statistics, African American women are less likely than any other racial group to marry, much less to marry a Caucasian man.

"According to a recent Yale study, 42 percent of African-American women have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women. There's also a gap in numbers. The 2000 U.S. Census counted 1.8 million more African-American women than black men." ₁

Black women in America cut themselves short by restricting themselves to dating solely in their own racial group, which might I add is already severely limited. Now, I am not suggesting that every black woman should run out and get a white man. Nor am I glamorizing the men of other races and falsely implying that they are better than our own brothers. There are good guys and bad guys of every race. What I am suggesting however, is that we let our inhibitions go and get to know men of different ethnicities. Celebrate the beauty in diversity and get out of your cultural comfort zone. You'd never know that you and someone (who you would ordinarily never dream of dating) could hit it off if you don't try it!