Thursday, April 11, 2013

Like Sand Through The Hour Glass...Pt. 4

He drew back in his seat with a look of disbelief on his face and said "Why do you ask?"
I handed him the prescription he just picked up for me. I then said,"You see that prescription you have in your hands? My doctor called me this morning and told me that she suspects I have a bacterial STI and I know I was tested at the end of October and I was clean."

I explained to him that I was seeing other people at the beginning of the relationship but I was always careful. I did not tell him whether I stopped seeing those other people and since he did not ask, I did not volunteer that information. The point was, at some point between then and my surgery I got whatever the hell I had. He read the name of the prescription and typed it in his iPhone. He then read the info he found on it and exclaimed that it was a powerful dose of drugs and was sure to knock me out. I asked him when was the last time he got tested. He said he did a complete physical a couple weeks before and everything came back OK. I told him that he would still need to be tested and treated. His phone rang and he said it was his younger son calling and he had to go get him. He hurriedly got up and busted through the door but did not get far away enough for me to yell out

"Are you going to answer me? Yes or no?!"

His reply was, "yes but not like that..."

"Not like that?" I said.

"I'll call you right back, I promise," he said.

Then he was gone.

He did call me back as he promised. Within 5 minutes of leaving. He started avoiding the topic at hand, talking about business and in a very excited tone. I half listened and once I had had enough I told him in a stern voice that we were both adults and we are free to do whatever we wanted but when it comes to matters like this we need to do the responsible thing. I was not angry. I was not confrontational. I just told him what time it was. I said no more. I don't remember who came off the phone first but after about 20 minutes we hung up.

He called me the day after, all jovial and shit like there was anything to laugh about. If there was anything that pissed me off about this whole thing, it wasn't my potentially contracting whatever but his response to it that had me wondering "WTF?!!!" That morning I made an appointment with another doctor and went there in the evening and got myself retested. I was told that I would get a phone call if they found anything. I took my antibiotic after that. Couldn't hurt, right? He called me after my appointment and we spoke at length. He asked me where I was and I told him that I was at an appointment. He did not mention anything about the night before or if he followed up. I did not ask either.

The calls were frequent, and daily. Not like him at all. He would check on me, ask what my plans were. A mutual friend of ours was having a party that weekend and I decided I would go. It would pain me to see him there knowing the air was thick between us, at least on my end, but I wanted the outside to see that I was OK even though I was hurting deep inside.

That Saturday was the first day since my surgery that I was home all by myself. It was as if everything hit me all at once. The fact that I almost died. The fact that I conceived his baby. The fact that I lost this baby as well as a part of my reproductive organs, the fact that I might have contracted an infection, and the fact that I may lose him.  It was just too much at once. I felt alone and unloved. And I just cried and cried and cried. All day I laid in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself.

I was so weak and depressed. It took me 4 hours to get ready. I did not leave my house until 1:30 AM to show my face at that party. He got me some water and a chair but when I saw the women hugging on him I got so sick to my stomach I had to move. I suffered silently as I did a two step next to this couple I was friends with. About an hour later I had about enough and decided to go. I paid for it the following morning as I could not get out of bed for much of the day.

The calls still came in every day. They were brief and mostly business related. Finally, after about a week and a half I could not take it anymore. He was at work that night when I called. I chit chatted with him about minor stuff until I just came out and asked him whether or not he ended up getting tested and treated. He said he did the test and it came back negative but he still took the antibiotics. I revealed to him that I went to get retested and they have not called me so I assume that everything tested OK. I then told him that I did not care what he wanted to do and I would not stop him from seeing whoever he wanted to see but when it came to me and him having unprotected sex, it has to only be between the two  of us. He told me that he had to attend to something at work and he would call me back. I did not care if he did or not because I already knew what was what and there was nothing more to discuss where that was concerned.

Since then he was very loving and attentive, even scolding me when I told him I was going to go to a party the following Friday night. He claimed my body was worn down because of my crazy work schedule and lack of sleep. He was right, I knew it, but I was just jerking his leg to get a reaction, which he wasn't aware of. I wanted to pull away. I wanted to make him sweat. Wonder what I was thinking, doing, feeling. I wanted to end it. But then I started observing things in him that I never saw before. I started to allow myself to feel what I did not want to feel. I finally started to see that this man was really into me, because he finally started showing it.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Like Sand Through the Hour Glass Pt. 3

That morning I was served a breakfast of hot cereal, tea, and fruit by the nanny. Thank God she was there to watch the kids. I could barely hug them let alone take care of them. Myself, I could. I was built Ford tough so I could brave through my pain and take care of my needs if I had to.
While I was having breakfast, I got a call from my doctor that would kill my already weak appetite.

"Ms. Soandso?"
"This is Dr. Whatshername calling from the OBGYN Office."
"I wanted to follow up with you on some cultures we had sent to the lab."
"Go ahead."
"Ms. Soandso, I am sorry to inform you that the cultures we had analyzed came back inconclusive but we suspect that you may have an STI."
"I'm sorry. I did not want to take any chances so I called in a prescription to your pharmacy so you can pick it up any moment now."
"But I only have unprotected sex with one partner who I highly doubt is that irresponsible. I test regularly and never had anything before. Is it possible that this is a mistake?"
"Ms. Soandso please have your partner tested. It might be possible that he may have had a dormant infection. It is quite common in men. I prescribed you a one dose antibiotic so you should be fine."

She apologized and said that she had to go but I should call with any questions. I was due for another appointment in 2 weeks so I should be cured by then.

How did I feel? Numb. Terrified. Angry.Stupid. Embarrassed especially, that something like that could happen to someone like me. I loved sex, no, I love sex but I made sure I used condoms with the nasty ones and the one man I assumed was more careful about where he planted his pole, I did not. I now look back and realize that it was very stupid of me to have assumed and now I am even more distrusting of men. But then I rationalized that the Boss Man took forever before he trusted me enough to not use condoms. But still, he could have done that with any other ho and a slick one may have fooled him enough and given him something. My thoughts were running away with me. I felt like it was just too much. I had so many wild thoughts going through my head. Like how my health was jeopardized. No, I did not want any more kids, but I don't want my tubes, or what's left of them, trashed either. Then speaking of jeopardized, this was sure to jeopardize the already precarious relationship I had with the Boss Man. I knew what my standing was. I tested every 6 months and the last test was clean. I only slept with him raw, anyone else would be have to be strapped. But then, I had to think back about the man I borrowed. We used a condom but he did go down on me. Oh my God! I had phone calls to make. Difficult ones. I did not want to but I had to do the right thing though. I picked up the phone and called the borrowed one (SJ). I did not get him but left a message telling him to call me back as early as possible.

I called my cousin and confided in her. She told me I had to tell the Boss Man. I knew I had to. The thing was how. She said it was one of two things. It could possibly end our relationship or bring us closer together. I did not place the odds on us coming closer together. Men usually flee out of fear. I took her advice and told myself to prepare for the worse. I did. I planned to have him pick up my Rx, bring it to me, and trap him in my room as I demand answers.

I called him at work and ask him to collect my prescription when he left. He agreed. He did not even call to let me know he was coming. He just knocked on the door. I told him to come inside and he explained that his vehicle was running. I told him to shut it off because I needed to talk to him. He said he could not stay because he had to take care of some business. I told him to come with me to my room. He was puzzled. The kids were home. I would never take him into my room when the kids are there. I shut the door behind him and told him to take a seat in the chair I positioned right beside my bed, facing me. He was even more puzzled. I then took the pills from him and studied the instructions for a brief moment then looked him square in the face and asked him, "Are you sleeping with anyone else?"

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Like Sand Through the Hourglass Pt. 2

I arrived at my doctor's office the following morning in pain. The pain was so severe I took a horse tranquilizer before I went in. The pain went from an 8 to 4 on the scale of 10. I reported the pain to the doctor but she focused on the more pressing issue of my vaginal discomfort. My vag had been angry with me for a while. I was prone to BV and always had issues with pH balance. This was especially true whenever I used certain condoms, which was why I always preferred to do it without with one established and trusted partner. My OBGYN asked when was the last time I had sex, I embarrassingly told her the night before. I was treated for BV which I had suspected and sent home. The pain gradually increased and I went and collected my kids and got a sitter because I knew I was not well. I thought the pain was ovulation related. I thought it would pass. But it got worse and worse as the day progressed. I laid in bed writhing with pain. Painkillers, hot water bottle, suffer. Finally later on that evening I decided that something was indeed wrong. I was in so much pain I started to throw up and felt as if my body was going to convulse. I was cold, yet I was sweating. I decided I would have to make the dreaded trip to the ER. I called the Boss Man to see if he was available to take me. He was in a meeting he wouldn't be able to get out of. I told him I would have to call 911 instead. He said "damn it's that bad?" I told him it was.

The ambulance arrived minutes after I called. I didn't even have time to slap my wig on properly. It was a good thing I had worked on combing out the naps beneath as my hair had completely locked due to long neglect over the past few months. Now I was sporting a cute ponytail under so once settled I planned to pull the wig off. I got to the hospital and because I did not appear to be in the excruciating pain I was in I was stuck in a wheelchair and placed in the waiting room  where I was for 2 hours, writhing in pain, unable to sit still in my chair. I began to have a shortness of breath as the pain increased. I felt like I was going to pass out. I wanted to scream out and cry but I was too weak to. I felt myself slipping and signaled the guard to get help. He asked who he was supposed to call. I told him in the loudest voice I could muster that I couldn't breathe. They wheeled me to the back where a nurse was waiting for me. I threw up. They finally got me into a room minutes later when I was asked to strip down. I did so. I was in so much pain I slept on my knees with my butt in the air like a baby. It was the only way I could shift the pain. The doctors woke me up and told me that I would I finally got hooked up to the IV and I was knocked the asterisk out in a matter of seconds. When I came to, I realized that the Boss Man had texted earlier. I responded "hey". He asked if I was good. I told him that I may require surgery and I would let him know. After an ultrasound and CT scan I was given the bad news that my ovary on the right went and committed suicide causing the blood vessels to twist and rupture and I was bleeding internally. I sent the word out to those closest to me, Boss Man included and went into surgery feeling brave more than anything. I was not scared. I just wanted to get on with my life.

I was told that my ovary had twisted due to an enlarged cyst. The cyst was discovered to be a pregnancy that had implanted in my ovary. I had an IUD and it is a known fact that these things can happen with this kind of birth control. It was rare, but it happened, and it happened to me. Thing was now that it hit me, I was in fact pregnant with what would have been the Boss Man's child. What hit me was how I was going to break it to him, or even if I should. My cousin and another girlfriend of mine told me it was right for him to know. I had the choice of staying the following night or going home. I chose to recover at home.

 I called the Boss Man and found out that my cousin had already given him a stern talking to with regards to my convalescence. He picked me up, got me soup, got my meds, and took me home. On the ride over he asked what had happened. I told him it was bigger than both of us. I explained what happened, why I had to do the surgery. He asked me what an ectopic pregnancy was and I explained it to him. I tried to read his expression. He gave off a cool vibe but I knew on the inside he was processing the news as much as I was. Just sa confused about what happened and probably feeling as guilty as hell for contributing to my current state. He did not linger. I thanked him and went inside to greet my worried kids.

After a few phone calls and texts I went into a drug induced sleep. The following morning I woke up to receive some devastating news from my OB GYN that would jeopardize my relationship with the Boss Man.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Like Sand Through the Hour Glass Pt. 1

So are the days of my life. Recently I have had to deal with some major personal blows and as I laid on my close-to-death bed I realized that I had come to some major crossroads in my life regarding my job, my health, and my relationship(s).

So let's talk about Valentine's Day/Weekend. Mine was awesome! Awesome because I planned to not do anything but go about the day as normally as possible, to not let it affect my mood, and I succeeded. I even wore black! Then later on in the evening I found that I had an impromptu date with a man whom I may discuss in more detail at some point in the future. He was visiting in town for work and wanted to have dinner with me before he traveled back south. I agreed, and we had a very relaxing dinner. I even spotted a distant relative and her cute kiddo at the restaurant. We parted ways and I went home to the warmth and comfort of my bed and slept the night away.

The Boss Man had been in constant contact with me all week, which was expected as I had decidedly pulled away from him some time early to create a shift in balance in our relationship. I had no anticipations of him coming over that weekend. It was also his birthday weekend so I assumed he would occupy himself some other way. But anyway, he did. He arrived and I greeted him with an unceremonious kiss on the lips, something I was not accustomed to. I did not linger, asking him if he wanted something. He chose to have a drink so I fixed him one and led him to the family room. And as is the nature of our relationship, it was all business at first. He sat in the middle of my L-shaped couch as I stretched my legs across and into his lap. We must have talked for about an hour. All that time I wondered if I was really up to getting it in with him. I wasn't feeling 100% well but I knew if he made a move I would not resist. And he did.

I was still lying in the couch when he suddenly got up and stood beside me. I turned to face him and asked him what his problem was. After a moment and my lack of movement he proceeded to climb on top of me, sit on my chest, and rock his pelvis back and forth. Taunting me and teasing me. I hesitated and gave him a quizzical look. He backed away knowing good and well that I would not resist, and so it was. I grabbed hold of him by the belt buckle and reeled him in. Then, it was on.

I had him melting in my hands, my mouth, and my caverns. Riding him, then taking him deep within. Something was different. I felt as if I had been conquered. Like putty in his hands. As I rode him he knew what he was doing to my body. He felt what I was about to do. I fought and resisted. He laid a firm hand on my groin and began stroking my clit. I tried to remove his hand but his placement was firm. Once I saw that I was not going to win, I stopped moving. I wanted the feeling to last for as long as I could sustain it. I was not ready to climax. He asked why I was holding back and said he wanted me to come all over him. I did not want to. Not right then. He took matters into his own hands and commandeered my body as he drove his lusciously divine dick so deep into me. My walls could not help to succumb and respond in a way that I did not need vocal chords to express. We arrived in unison.

He left me in a state of bliss that evening. I went to sleep with his scent stuck in my nostrils and his taste lingering on my lips. The following morning, I woke up with a terrible pain in my side which would land me in my doctor's office and change the course of every aspect of my life.