Wednesday, May 11, 2016

So Happy It Hurts..Literally: The Ins and Outs of Letting Someone In and Settling After the Dust Settles

I've been warned. My closest friends told me so. The unrest and drama that comes along with loving someone who is not available is costly. I can't say that I am available too but I was in a better predicament than he was. I have not been with my estranged husband for five years. He remains a thorn in my side and has yet to grant my wish for a divorce, which I hope to be final by next month. But I digress. Despite all this, I forge forward because I know in my heart that for whatever period of time we both share together on this earth, I desire to spend it with him. Why? Because I have opened up my soul to someone who was a stranger to me not so long ago. And he has opened up his heart to me as well. Not only  that, I have already willed myself to be alone at whatever point our relationship ends, or however it ends, be it by death or mutual parting.The dust is beginning to settle, and I with it.

So now, his divorce is final. The process of disentangling lives, properties, emotions are in full gear. Court enforced deadlines are dangled like a carrot on a stick. He set a period of two years for himself to recover financially. But what about emotionally? How can one truly recover from something as devastating as a divorce? Not so much the divorce itself, but rather, a marriage that was just a bandaged lie. One that should have ended years ago. One that should have never began.

He shared with me today that he did not ever see himself being married again. It hurt. It truly did. But truthfully, I have said the same myself in the past. Who can bear to put up with the headaches that are associated with your common relationship? But the pragmatist in me who is also seeking security would like to be protected in every aspect of my life, and that includes legally.

We have spoken often about merging our lives and moving in to our own home together. He has been staying with me since the year began as he is in the process of finding a new home of his own. To the naked eye it would seem backwards to have him move in, then out, and for us to eventually move in together. We both know that right now, as we are, we both need room to grow. We can either grow further apart or grow closer together.

I have vowed to love me a little more. To make myself a priority. To fall in love with my sexy self again. It is this inner glow that attracts positive results on the outside. For now, It may seem as if I am settling by forgoing marriage and doing the LAT (Living Apart Together) thing with a much older man but what I know is this: I am gaining so much more from self improvement. Learning to love myself without someone feeding my niceties. Living without requiring another to make me whole.

If he is still here, great. If not, great knowing him, great loving him. If we never marry, I will be ok knowing that this was and is the greatest love I have I ever known from man. I will miss falling asleep with him every night and waking up to his kisses in the morning. If we fail, I will miss him. Right now, I miss myself. I want her back. She used to go dancing on the weekends and have a girlfriend on standby to go crazy with whenever she felt like it. She used to go on adventures of her own and not have to plan out weekends. She used to enjoy the spontaneity of sex, not just the "you're here I'm here let's do this" thing. She is ready for that and so much more.

The next entry will probably be written by a Black Divorced Not so Single Mom.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

When You Know You've Lost Your Way

Lately I just haven't been feeling like myself. I would have bouts where I would just cry for no particular reason at all. I spoke to the Boss Man recently during one of our now infrequent check ins and he asked if I was feeling sad or lonely. The truth is, I was neither sad nor lonely. I just had a lingering feeling that something was not right with me. So weeks went by. My sleep got worse. I would fall asleep OK but wake up several times during the night. Hell, one night I even peed the frikking bed!

So yes, I know. I have been suffering from depression. Why? My symptoms began sometime when my sister was sick and eventually passed. It had been worse since then. Recently, it has affected my relationship with Mr. Man and my close friendships. I was just withdrawn and spending entire weekends in bed. Whenever I wasn't in bed I was drinking, at home. I hit a rock bottom when I felt myself become insecure and let my feelings cause me to do something I wouldn't otherwise do in a confident state of presence. I am so ashamed of myself that I cannot even bring myself to say what I did, I just know that I will never do it again. But, I doubted this man. I doubted that he could love me how I needed to and I began to withdraw. He in turn began to doubt me and reportedly began evaluating our relationship as I did the same. Our findings were mutual. We cannot be without each other. So the question do we be with each other without driving the other away?

I became very introspective. I literally had to coach myself through the nights and will myself to live. Not just to breathe air and go through the monotony of life but to be ALIVE! It finally hit me that I have been living but I have not been ALIVE. I have been doing everything that everyone else asked of me. I have not done much for myself. I have been a great employee. I have been a great mother. A great lover. A great friend. A great steward of the community. I have not been a great friend to myself.

And so it is with this realization that I have lost my way and I need to find it back, In the past I took solo trips to find my balance and I would return energized and ready to face whatever love or disaster that was waiting in the wings for me. I used to exercise, eat right, socialize more. I have love. I know that. I have the respect of my friends and colleagues. I have a great job. What I don't have is me so I am on a journey trying to find myself . Well, rediscover myself.

How do I go about doing that? So far, I am trying to do more things by myself while at the same time, trying to get out and do more with others, if that makes any sense... More with others outside of my bubble that is. I have become too caught up with Mr. Man and his drama that it has inherently become my own. Same could be said about my best friend. Same could be said about my community involvement. Lastly, my job. I have already started winding down with my job and my community involvement. I quit working overtime and running to and from meetings.  So here's to finding my way and hopefully being able to navigate the rocky roads which lay ahead.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Desperate Housewife meets the Young and the Restless

We had just come back from 5 glorious days in Negril. Our time there was spent between making love and enjoying the sights, the foods, the people. On our last night there, we made love in the midst of a sea of emotions as I questioned the state of our relationship. After a very emotional discussion he came to the resolution that he was going to divorce her.  We returned home and became immersed in our newfound projects and began to work more closely on getting this startup company off the ground. One evening, I was at his office going over some documents and stepped out to make a call. In came this older woman who I found to be rather pretentious and nosey. I was on my call and she lingered. She introduced herself while I was on the phone. I held my hand up to signal to her that I would be right with her when I was done with my call. The pushy broad insisted on knowing my name. Once I told her she flew into the man's office and started pounding on him. I was horrified as it finally occurred to me who she was and I ended my call abruptly. If it ween't for the fact that my laptop and car keys were on his desk I would have flown out of there. I was stuck. I made a decision that I could do one of three things: call the cops, use said phone to clock her if she came near me, or just wait and see if the man would restrain her enough so I could get my shit and go. He did. All this while she was cussing him, cussing me, calling me all sorts of filthy names and asking me if I think he was going to leave with me, bitch!

Fast forward, three months later he wrote her a letter saying that it was time for them to go their separate ways. She responded by running out and immediately filing the petition to divorce the same day. Since then it has been hell. She has been driving by home home, showing up uninvited to our events, cussing him out every chance she gets, taking his stuff, accusing him of bullshit, cleaned out his business account, and has had the cops called on her ass more times than I care to count. The thing is, now she realizes she had a good man and he is gone. She even tried having talks saying they should go to counseling. I suppose she thought that he would come running back once she filed the divorce and that the newness of my pussy would wear off and he would come to his senses. He has. But not in the way she had hoped.

He saw her for what she was. A user. Expecting him to do any and everything, pay all the bills and bow to her every desire without her ever having to invest herself. She was emotionally abusive and I later learned that she was also physically abusive. He put up with it in stoic silence all in the name of maintaining a public image and out of duty to the family. He did that for a little over twenty years and there is only s much a man could take. I do not believe in breaking up happy homes. I would have never gone out with him if I knew he had no intention to leave. When I met him I saw a man who was broken and yearning to be loved. A man who had so much to give even after having to give so much of himself to get nothing but hurt in return. He has broken down in tears more times than I would like to admit. I have held him in my arms and I could see and feel the toll of the burden he has been carrying all this time.

So here we are, I am loving this shell of a man. Nursing him back to life. Trying to nurse myself back to life too. The time we have spent together has been precious. We have traveled together quite a few times. He's become a second dad to my kids. They love him to pieces. He tucks them in almost every night when he can and has been to their concerts, first day of school, etc. He has gone out his way to make my life as comfortable  and happy as can be. I cannot complain, I am enjoying the perks but sometimes I have to wonder at what cost?

See, this man was in an unhappy relationship for so long and when men are unhappy they go roaming. And he has admitted to roaming in the past. I have seen conversations between him and his ex and he has female friends who he sees and talks to on a regular basis. I have confronted him about it before and he knows that he needs to curtail his activities as his romantic situation is now different. To say the least, I don't know if I can say I can fully trust him and that is a problem. I am working through it and we have been having open discussions about it. I told him that I understand that he did what he did out of necessity but what we share now is different. He no longer has to search for attention, approval, and emotional connection because he has all that with me. But I understand that sometimes that it is hard to cut ties with someone you've shared something with for a long time. Now I come on the scene and to drop someone just because of that would be inhumane I guess but he has to learn to go back to being just friends and being flirtatious is hard to unlearn. There is a fine line he has to tread carefully, as do I with my male friends and former lovers. He claims he hasn't been physical with anyone since he has gotten serious with me. I try hard to believe him and I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I can't say the same for myself as I've dabbled with a few exes, mostly out of anger from what he had done. I don't feel right about it so I don't do it anymore. Not recently anyway. Boss Man came over one night to help me with something and I gave him a hug when he was leaving. He in turn kissed me on my neck and then lips. I said nothing. He had me feeling some sort of way but I quickly snapped out of that haze and returned my focus to what I had in front of me, which is this man. He knows about Boss Man and I being close but there has always been speculation about how intimate we were. I have never confirmed it. He has admitted to being jealous and I try in every way to reassure him that there is nothing between us. I am not sure he buys it but he pretends to be OK with us remaining friends. And I must pretend to be OK with his friends too. The only exception is that my conversations and visits are never kept secret.

 The amazing thing about our relationship is that I can sense when he is not being straightforward with me and hiding something. He is usually forced to come clean...well...the clean version of the truth. I let him know that I know way more than he thinks I do and it scares him. Keeps him in check for the most part. But I don't want t have to constantly keep him in check. I do worry that fate is destined to tear us apart and that he would enjoy his newfound freedom and feel bolder and want to step out in his new boldness. I cannot stop that if it should occur. I can only love him and love myself enough to know that if that is the case then he does not need to be a part of my life. As it is right now, I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. He has never denied me to his family and I respect him for that. We have spent the last Christmas together, and he has invested time and money into not just me but my children who have also grown to love him. I see a great future for us but I am by no means naive to what lies ahead. I am prepared whichever way the axe swings. I am just trying to play this smart and should our union belly up, I should be able to land firmly on my feet regardless.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Not so Married. Not so Single. PT. 3

So the allure of being in a long distance committed relationship began to wear off around the 6th month of us being together when all my internal alarms started going off, alerting me that something was not right. In the midst of me being ridden with anxiety and telling him that I needed space (we live over 1,000 miles apart) I started seeing a man and consequently fell in love and became involved in the most beautiful, loving, challenging, fulfilling, emotional and dramatic relationships I have ever been in in my entire life!

Mr. Man

I had known Mr. Man a while back by that point, I just never had the opportunity to get to know him better until I came aboard on the board of directors for this organization. I'd always regarded him as a distinguished gentleman but never considered myself suitable for him as I was not in his supposed league. You know, the league of doctors, lawyers and successful entrepreneurs who attend numerous fundraisers and golf together on weekends to shoot the proverbial breeze. I was not his type, and he was not mine, or so I thought.

It was late winter when he had started pursuing me. Quite often I would run into him at the bar and he would buy drinks for me and my friend. Eventually he wanted the digits but I did not give them up. Weeks later, I don't know what made me decide to cave but I gave him my business card, which was my subtle bot not so subtle way of letting him know that I was just a professional acquaintance and nothing more. Maybe I decided to cave when my anxiety about my relationship with Harry was growing deeper. I don't know, but I did. Curiosity got the best of me.

Our lunch date was more informative than romantic. I was feeling him out and he was feeling me out as well. We talked mostly about nonprofit woes and about people we knew more so than us. Finally, after all the bullshit I asked him if he was married. I already knew the answer, I was waiting to see the response. He said yes, and explained that it was less than ideal and just circumstances holding it together. I asked him to divulge and he promised to fill me in at a later time. It was at that point I asked him what the purpose of this meeting was. I wanted to get straight to the heart of the matter and not waste any time. He was very taken aback by my forwardness. He said that it was to get to know me better since we were going to be working together. I did not buy it and I was not satisfied with the answer but I said OK. After that, our lunch dates were weekly, then a couple times per week, then it got to the point that we could barely go a day without seeing each other. I was determined to hold out on the intimacy until my birthday. He was kind to me and he was generous. Even gave me an early birthday trip to Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands, by myself. I went and had a great time but I missed him, and I wanted him, and I decided that once I got home I was coming for him. I did. On top of his desk. It was unplanned and fueled by alcohol and lust and when it was over, I could not believe how badly I had behaved. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to hold out for another week or so for my birthday. I was disappointed that I had let him know so soon...that I loved him.

I vividly remember uttering the words once he entered me. It was as if I could not contain all that I had started to feel for him and I know he felt the same way for me too. I had predicted a month earlier that he was going to love me. I knew it. I felt it in him. But like me, he was afraid. He told me not to say that but I told him it was true and I had to let him know how I felt. He told me he loved me too. And it was over. I woke up the following morning staring at the ceiling wondering what the fuck did I do? I had silently hoped that he would not call me and we would both pretend that this never happened, but he did. And so we made plans for breakfast the following Monday, only he did not know that I had planned on making it myself. He was surprised I had invited him to my house and did not realize where he was until he was actually there. Needless to say, breakfast turned into a late lunch as we spent hours in the bedroom making love and everything else in between as I enjoyed the newness of making love to a man 28 years my senior, and he, wallowing in my youthful tenderness. I was and still am surprised at his stamina and recovery time. One of the best I have ever had. Usually a good round would knock a man down for a good twenty minutes. Not him. He was in great physical condition for his age and was just a great lover overall.

My birthday came and went and the sex just got more and more intense. We took a trip to Jamaica in June and spent 5 days in heaven with each other. We made love so many times in so many places. Early in the morning, the warmth of the sun would radiate our skin as the waves of the warm Caribbean Sea rocked our intertwined bodies as we enjoyed our surroundings and each other. We came back, alive and exhilarated from our getaway vacation until the disaster that awaited him at home unleashed a fury that remains a sticking point in our relationship to this day, a year and a half later.

Not so Married. Not so Single. PT. 2

In the middle of the Boss Man and I ending our intimate relationship, I happened to just fall into a new one. I can't say that I was on the search, actually I was rather skeptical in the initial phase. Eventually, the Boss Man's shadiness would lead me into his arms. First, my decision to give him a chance and my full attention that Labor Day weekend when I saw Boss Man with a woman I had long suspected him of having "things" with. Finally, my complete and absolute decision that there was no turning back and I was in it for the long haul when I saw the Boss Man again in NY with whom I don't know but he was clearly trying to avoid me. Haven't regretted a thing since then and definitely haven't looked back.

When Sally (I) Met Harry (Him)

I can't say I met Harry. And for all purposes of maintaining anonymity I will call him Harry. Harry was always my favorite prince anyway. Not quite as handsome as the other one but boy he sure is a firecracker. Knows exactly how to enjoy the hell out of what would otherwise be a dull and miserable life. Kinda like my prince. Had to kiss a few frogs before finding him. And no he is definitely not as handsome as the older one, but you know the saying that beauty is only skin deep?

As I was saying, I did not meet Harry. I knew him before; since we were 6. We went to the same elementary school. His mother was a teacher there and he would get away with murder because of such. He used to hang with a clique I could not stand and would often tease me and dare me to do dumb shit. I couldn't stand his ass. We both left to attend other schools after 5th grade and I never saw him again. Saw his FB profile a few times through mutual friends but had no inclination to add him as I did not really care for him. It had been years since I last saw him.

Almost twenty years later, here I was on the planning committee of one of the largest annual events in the state, booking performers for the show. In the process of booking the air travel for an artiste, I happened to come across the personal information of the artiste, his wife, and manager. I saw Harry's name and said to myself that I once knew someone by that name and immediately dismissed it as a coincidence. No, it wasn't him. How wrong I was on the day of the show. When I got backstage I saw him standing in a small group. It did not take me long before I decided to approach him.

"Excuse me. Are you so and so?"

"Yes," he smiled.

"Don't you remember me? I'm so and so from so and so."

"Yes of course!" his smile got wider.

We chit chatted a little bit and he introduced me to his artiste. We were both working. He managed his artiste while I managed the event. There was little time for talk. Towards the end he approached me where I was sitting at the rear side of the stage and happened to see my kids around me. He asked me jokingly if I killed their dad. Almost intuitively I responded:

"No, but I wish he was dead."

We both laughed and he shook his head. He told me he was about to leave and we exchanged numbers. He said he wanted to see me before he left. I said neither yes or no but I told him to call me.

Later that night I got home pretty late and I was dog tired. The Boss Man, who also happened to be working at the event, called me to talk about what transpired throughout the day. I was so exhausted I pretty much rushed him off the phone to take a shower. Once I got out the shower I realized I had a couple of texts from Harry.

"Hi Sally, it's Harry."

No response from me so minutes later he texts:

"Wake up! lol."

I informed him that I had just gotten out of the shower and was about to go to sleep. He urged me to come out and meet him for drinks at the hotel where he was staying. In between my eyelids slowly closing and opening again I told him that I definitely was not going anywhere and would prefer to meet him for breakfast in the morning. He conceded. The following morning he contacted me about 8:30. I had not even gotten out of bed yet but I woke up and made breakfast for the brats and my guests. I told him I would let him know when I was on my way which was two hours later.

So we had breakfast. We were joined by his artiste and his wife. His artiste had been on the scene for decades and dominated the conversation with talk of his career and his viewpoints in life. It was a pleasant breakfast that came to an end because they had to leave to fly back home. And guess who was taking them? The Boss Man.

He called me when he was on his way to get them. He was surprised to find that I was having breakfast with them. He asked me in astonishment how I got over there. I told him I drove with my smart ass self. SMH. I took my call in front of them and the artiste remarked that I sounded like I loved Boss Man. I laughed it off and shook my head. Damn! Was it that obvious? Sigh..

So after we said our goodbyes I left them loading into the truck and thought I wouldn't be hearing from him any time soon. Wrong. He texted as soon as he got to the airport. And again When he landed. And the day after. And the next. And every day since then. The conversations became frequent. I was a bit taken aback at how into me he seemed. I just couldn't understand it. I used to hate this dude. OK. Hate is too strong a word. But I couldn't stand him. And here it is that we were having these long conversations daily via phone, text, Skype, and whatever medium we could find. I was still undecided as to whether or not I was going to take him seriously. That changed when I saw Boss Man with that chick. By the end of that month I had literally fallen for him. The "I love you's" were constant. The conversation became more and more intimate as we learned about and yearned for each other. Then three months later he came to town for work and it was total magic. All that was pent up between us was released in a series of very steamy romps. It was a bittersweet feeling for me because that same weekend was when I saw the Boss Man with another chick, deliberately trying to avoid me. That was when I knew it was definitely over and I no longer wanted to give myself to him in that way.

And as happy as I was with Harry, I felt a growing anxiety beginning to form in the pit of my stomach once we started discussing my becoming his wife and us joining our lives. It would most likely mean my having to leave this country to be where he is and starting over with very modest means. Did I love him? Of course! You can pet a rock everyday and eventually grow to love it. But he was not just a rock, he was my rock when I hit bottom during the Boss Man saga. He was a great friend to me. He was there with me through everything I went through during my dad's passing. He's been a friend to me ever since. I will always love him for what he has been to me in the time we were together and beyond. But deep down, I knew my anxiety was nothing more than my intuition alarming me that this man, as good as he was, he was not the one for me. I would find that out right at the beginning of the end of our relationship when an unlikely suitor began to pursue me.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Not so Married. Not so Single. PT. 1

I've thought quite frequently that I should maybe start updating the blog again but my life has gotten ahold of me. I've grown even busier than I've been before. I'm much more vested in the new path that my life is taking. I must say however that I am finally in the end phase of my divorce, I've been in a new relationship for the past 6 months, and the Boss Man and I are no more. Well, we are "friends" if you want to call it that. Everything but sexually intimate. I'm ok with that. As a matter of fact, I'm for the better.

When Boss Man Met Boss Bitch

Everything was going great for a few months. He'd gone on vacation for a few days and he would call and check in. He even filled me in on some things I didn't care to know about. But regardless, it was clear that I never left his thoughts. He returned days later and found his way over my house. Exhausted. He couldn't even keep it up long enough to make me cum. But he was very tender. I actually felt like we were actually making love because he was so intent on kissing me and caressing me. Much more so than the usual. Needless to say I was left in a daze because I was not sure what had taken place. He grabbed me from behind when I was showing me out and kissed me on my neck. More affectionate than he usually was and I wondered WTF was going on.

Weeks later I called him several times asking him to come over and make up for his shortcomings. I was furnished with excuse after excuse. For a whole month I decided not to bother him as I had my number two on reserve, ready to run out on the field when the quarterback wasn't playing right. Sure he scored a couple touchdowns but it was nothing more than that. It got to a point where he would even spend the night and we would...*gasp*...cuddle. I guess shit got too real for both of us and I laid off calling him to smash and he would get increasingly busy at work. I'd chide him for giving me tired sex but then he would retort saying that I could always find someone else.

I very well could but decided it was just not worth the headache. I had a very brief fling with a man in between number 1 and 2. After a couple of dates and several rounds of BOMB SEX I found out later on that he was married. He has not been in good graces with me since then and never will. I don't like liars. All it takes is once and I am done. He would call me for several months after and I would tell him to go to hell which he would but refused to stay there permanently and would perpetually resurface.

So summer is coming to an end and so is my sexual relationship with the Boss Man. We did hook up a couple times towards the end. We even worked on a huge project in August and we were in regular contact. So much so that he became overbearing at times. But we did what we had to do despite the fact that I felt something was wrong.

Summer ends and I saw him at an outdoor party with a girl I had long suspected him of being involved with. I decided at that point I was ready to move on but about a month or so later he found his way back in my life and got involved with this solo project I was working on. I invited him back to my place that night after my successful show and he didn't come. A week later I saw him trying to avoid me at a concert I was working at in NY. He was there with another woman. I did not see who it was neither did I care because I was truly done with him at that point. I hurt deeply but I had started to move on, and move on I did.

Since then I have not communicated with him outside of business matters. I have not invited him over. I have not even given him the silent treatment but remained rather aloof towards him. In fact, he would call, text, or I.M. if too many days went by without contact. Also, he would make rude comments about my supposed sexual activity, particularly when I would travel, which I sure as hell did due to the dramatic changes in my life. It just killed him to not be in the know, to not have a clue as to what I was up to, especially when it came down to who was now having me the way he once had me.

I decided I was worth more than what he was capable of giving which was not much. We've had a few spats regarding my career and his ego, but beneath that all I see a man who loved me in his own way but not enough the way I needed him to. He was and has always been there for me despite. Whether it was a domestic disaster or a financial matter or when my father died, he was there. This past Christmas I coordinated our annual Christmas event. He was pleased with the job I did he brought me a catalog from Macy's and asked me to pick out a watch as my gift. I did not see one I liked and I really did not want it. But the gesture said a lot about how he held me in high regard. At our company meeting in January he publicly acknowledged this and asked my co-workers to thank me with applause. I was moved by it.  Knowing the kind of man he is, he is not going anywhere. I have never been fucked up to him regardless. I've always shown him acts of kindness and appreciation because he's always going to be that kind of friend to me. But romantically, I've let go of any notion that it could have been more than what it was. He just wasn't capable and I knew it from the day I first saw him that I just would not have been happy with him.

Live my life? Yes I did! Happy? Sure as hell am. Why? Part two...

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Now That We've Found Love

Since my surgery, I've had so much change in my life that I really have to be grateful for. I found myself, my job situation is so much better, my circle is much tighter,and my love life is off the chain!

After the whole ectopic pregnancy/brush with death/STI scare debacle, the Boss Man and I have grown so much closer. All my fears were quelled, as he demonstrated how much of a man he really was, and a good one at that when it came to me. He really stepped up to the plate and showed me, in his own way, that he was serious about me and he wanted to remain a part of my life.

It was about a month after I had my surgery and all the drama had died down. I decided that I was ready to feel him inside me again. He had asserted before that he would not touch me for at least 2 months after. I decided that was way too long and took matters into my own hands, literally. He protested, and I demanded that he make love to me. He claimed I was still sick so I told him he was not my doctor. A struggle ensued and I emerged the victor. I welcomed him inside me and he slipped into my warmth, feeling my body's longing for him, embracing my love as I crescendoed into a climax which caused his to emerge with such an intensity that I have never seen in him before. I felt him. He is usually a quiet comer. At times I was not even aware that he had climaxed but this time, there was absolutely no denying it. I wondered if this meant that he had not been with anyone else since my convalescence. Overall, it was different. The way he touched me, looked at me, kissed me. We were no longer just fucking. We were making love. I was spent. I could not even move when we were done. He became concerned and complained that this was the reason why he didn't want to make love to me. I assured him I was fine. He made it his point of duty to remind me that I was fine the last time he left me too. I retorted that I would not call him again if I was dying. I was fine, but I was just weak. My strength had not returned completely even though my incisions had healed.

After that encounter, I began to have a desperate urge to take a vacation in the Caribbean. I needed sun, sand, sea, and clarity. I saw where my fears of us ending, or even beginning after that were starting to strangle my thoughts. I struggled within myself to forgive him, but for what? How could I forgive him for something he did not deliberately do? We had not made any promises of fidelity to each other. I suppose I was upset at the fact that he had behaved so nonchalant when the issue of him sleeping with others and potentially infecting me came up. But even though it was resolved and we were both clean, I did not know if I could possibly trust him. I needed reassurance. I needed to know that I was comfortable with the idea that he was doing him while I was doing me. I needed to address my jealousy. See, jealousy is not one emotion. It is the result of a compound of other emotions. I needed to get to the root of it and address my fear of abandonment and feelings of not being good enough. This was one of many issues that was plaguing my thoughts.  I was dealing with family issues, ending my broken marriage, co-parenting, and of course the rat race when it came to the job and managing my bills.

I tried to get my cousin to travel with me but she could not make it. I got frustrated and went ahead and booked without her. This trip would be the first time that I would have traveled by myself and to a foreign country at that. I knew absolutely no one there but this did not deter me. I have great people skills and was confident that I would make friends anywhere I went. I went online, did my research, narrowed down my choices, and made a decision to go to the Dominican Republic. I even went online and found a helpful forum that was all about the island, and met my first friend from there who I was going to meet up with once I arrived. He was very helpful and even arranged my transportation while I was down there.

The 3 days I spent there were wonderful. I did nothing but eat, drink, swim, and chat with my new friends. My Spanish was tried and tested and got so much better in the few days I was there. I was able to hold entire conversations. What I did not know, I asked. What I got wrong, I was corrected. I got up in the mornings, made my breakfast, then stayed on the beach til dusk. I did not go partying. I just relaxed in my very clean and comfortable apartment.  I definitely will be traveling back there in the future. I found my center, made my peace, and came to the conclusion that I would move forward with this divorce, leave the house, start fresh, and love unabashedly.

My impulsive decision to travel by myself had left the Boss Man unsettled. He found out through a mutual friend that I was going, and he did not hesitate to question me about who I was going with. When I told him I was traveling by myself he refused to believe me at first and insinuated that I was meeting up with another man. I convinced him that I was in fact traveling by myself. He would constantly bring up the fact that I was traveling by myself in our conversations after that. Even up to the 11th hour before I left he would rub it in. I sensed that he was a bit hurt at the fact that I did not inform him of my plans and I did not invite him. When I returned from the DR I did not even call him. I ran into him at the studio briefly that morning and he commented that I got a tan. The same night, I spoke to him briefly at this event he was hosting and told him to come see me the following day. He did so. He showed up and showed me exactly how much he missed me. The man could not keep his hands off me. And the way he trembled as he melted in my warm embrace, I knew he was waiting for me to come home to him.

And so it has been that the encounters have become more frequent, the visits have been longer, and the sex has just been deep. No longer just nut busting sessions but intimate moments where we would silently embrace each other, land a small kiss on the forehead, eyelid, nose, cheek. Me resting my head in the crook of his neck, with him embracing me and stroking my shoulder while I laid there. I did not need him to say so because I already knew, the man was falling for me. Was it the fact that I was pregnant with his child at one point? Or the fact that I lost an organ due to the fact? Or was it the fact that I confronted him about his sexual activities and when I got the truth I did not go ape shit on him? For whatever reason, the Boss Man decided to gravitate towards me more and more, keeping in constant contact throughout the day and popping into the studio more frequently which is very unlike him. Most recently our relationship has become a source of scandal among mutual acquaintances and even through all that he has remained by my side and has become more public with his interactions with me. And as if all that were not enough, the man is buying me a new home which I will pay him rent for, only out of principle because I am not a gold digger and would never dare have a man pay my way entirely again. My experience with my STBE husband taught me well on that.

With all this said, I see us only moving forward, but as to how far? I do not know. What I eventually want in the future? I don't know. I don't see myself getting married again. And I don''t see myself moving in with him. I enjoy my space, my freedom, and us as we are right now. I suppose the only thing I would want is to see more of him, even though I see him way more often now than I did in the past. I look at us and I think for a second that I am crazy because he is so much older than I am. I say he could be my father, but hell he ain't! Despite the age difference we have a real connection, we work well together. He never hesitates to run business ideas by me. And not only are we great in the professional realm, he is just someone I can talk to about anything with ease. He feels the same about me. It does not matter what time of day or night, as long as we are both available we always provide a comforting ear to the other. We have certainly become assets in each other's lives and I do not see it changing. In the end, despite what the outside world may think, it's just about us and what we both feel is right for our relationship. Right now, it's beautiful, it's blossoming  and I am scared shitless because now that we've found love what are we gonna do with it?