Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Now That We've Found Love

Since my surgery, I've had so much change in my life that I really have to be grateful for. I found myself, my job situation is so much better, my circle is much tighter,and my love life is off the chain!

After the whole ectopic pregnancy/brush with death/STI scare debacle, the Boss Man and I have grown so much closer. All my fears were quelled, as he demonstrated how much of a man he really was, and a good one at that when it came to me. He really stepped up to the plate and showed me, in his own way, that he was serious about me and he wanted to remain a part of my life.

It was about a month after I had my surgery and all the drama had died down. I decided that I was ready to feel him inside me again. He had asserted before that he would not touch me for at least 2 months after. I decided that was way too long and took matters into my own hands, literally. He protested, and I demanded that he make love to me. He claimed I was still sick so I told him he was not my doctor. A struggle ensued and I emerged the victor. I welcomed him inside me and he slipped into my warmth, feeling my body's longing for him, embracing my love as I crescendoed into a climax which caused his to emerge with such an intensity that I have never seen in him before. I felt him. He is usually a quiet comer. At times I was not even aware that he had climaxed but this time, there was absolutely no denying it. I wondered if this meant that he had not been with anyone else since my convalescence. Overall, it was different. The way he touched me, looked at me, kissed me. We were no longer just fucking. We were making love. I was spent. I could not even move when we were done. He became concerned and complained that this was the reason why he didn't want to make love to me. I assured him I was fine. He made it his point of duty to remind me that I was fine the last time he left me too. I retorted that I would not call him again if I was dying. I was fine, but I was just weak. My strength had not returned completely even though my incisions had healed.

After that encounter, I began to have a desperate urge to take a vacation in the Caribbean. I needed sun, sand, sea, and clarity. I saw where my fears of us ending, or even beginning after that were starting to strangle my thoughts. I struggled within myself to forgive him, but for what? How could I forgive him for something he did not deliberately do? We had not made any promises of fidelity to each other. I suppose I was upset at the fact that he had behaved so nonchalant when the issue of him sleeping with others and potentially infecting me came up. But even though it was resolved and we were both clean, I did not know if I could possibly trust him. I needed reassurance. I needed to know that I was comfortable with the idea that he was doing him while I was doing me. I needed to address my jealousy. See, jealousy is not one emotion. It is the result of a compound of other emotions. I needed to get to the root of it and address my fear of abandonment and feelings of not being good enough. This was one of many issues that was plaguing my thoughts.  I was dealing with family issues, ending my broken marriage, co-parenting, and of course the rat race when it came to the job and managing my bills.

I tried to get my cousin to travel with me but she could not make it. I got frustrated and went ahead and booked without her. This trip would be the first time that I would have traveled by myself and to a foreign country at that. I knew absolutely no one there but this did not deter me. I have great people skills and was confident that I would make friends anywhere I went. I went online, did my research, narrowed down my choices, and made a decision to go to the Dominican Republic. I even went online and found a helpful forum that was all about the island, and met my first friend from there who I was going to meet up with once I arrived. He was very helpful and even arranged my transportation while I was down there.

The 3 days I spent there were wonderful. I did nothing but eat, drink, swim, and chat with my new friends. My Spanish was tried and tested and got so much better in the few days I was there. I was able to hold entire conversations. What I did not know, I asked. What I got wrong, I was corrected. I got up in the mornings, made my breakfast, then stayed on the beach til dusk. I did not go partying. I just relaxed in my very clean and comfortable apartment.  I definitely will be traveling back there in the future. I found my center, made my peace, and came to the conclusion that I would move forward with this divorce, leave the house, start fresh, and love unabashedly.

My impulsive decision to travel by myself had left the Boss Man unsettled. He found out through a mutual friend that I was going, and he did not hesitate to question me about who I was going with. When I told him I was traveling by myself he refused to believe me at first and insinuated that I was meeting up with another man. I convinced him that I was in fact traveling by myself. He would constantly bring up the fact that I was traveling by myself in our conversations after that. Even up to the 11th hour before I left he would rub it in. I sensed that he was a bit hurt at the fact that I did not inform him of my plans and I did not invite him. When I returned from the DR I did not even call him. I ran into him at the studio briefly that morning and he commented that I got a tan. The same night, I spoke to him briefly at this event he was hosting and told him to come see me the following day. He did so. He showed up and showed me exactly how much he missed me. The man could not keep his hands off me. And the way he trembled as he melted in my warm embrace, I knew he was waiting for me to come home to him.

And so it has been that the encounters have become more frequent, the visits have been longer, and the sex has just been deep. No longer just nut busting sessions but intimate moments where we would silently embrace each other, land a small kiss on the forehead, eyelid, nose, cheek. Me resting my head in the crook of his neck, with him embracing me and stroking my shoulder while I laid there. I did not need him to say so because I already knew, the man was falling for me. Was it the fact that I was pregnant with his child at one point? Or the fact that I lost an organ due to the fact? Or was it the fact that I confronted him about his sexual activities and when I got the truth I did not go ape shit on him? For whatever reason, the Boss Man decided to gravitate towards me more and more, keeping in constant contact throughout the day and popping into the studio more frequently which is very unlike him. Most recently our relationship has become a source of scandal among mutual acquaintances and even through all that he has remained by my side and has become more public with his interactions with me. And as if all that were not enough, the man is buying me a new home which I will pay him rent for, only out of principle because I am not a gold digger and would never dare have a man pay my way entirely again. My experience with my STBE husband taught me well on that.

With all this said, I see us only moving forward, but as to how far? I do not know. What I eventually want in the future? I don't know. I don't see myself getting married again. And I don''t see myself moving in with him. I enjoy my space, my freedom, and us as we are right now. I suppose the only thing I would want is to see more of him, even though I see him way more often now than I did in the past. I look at us and I think for a second that I am crazy because he is so much older than I am. I say he could be my father, but hell he ain't! Despite the age difference we have a real connection, we work well together. He never hesitates to run business ideas by me. And not only are we great in the professional realm, he is just someone I can talk to about anything with ease. He feels the same about me. It does not matter what time of day or night, as long as we are both available we always provide a comforting ear to the other. We have certainly become assets in each other's lives and I do not see it changing. In the end, despite what the outside world may think, it's just about us and what we both feel is right for our relationship. Right now, it's beautiful, it's blossoming  and I am scared shitless because now that we've found love what are we gonna do with it?