Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It's That Time Of Year...Dammit!!!

I hate Christmas. I really do. I can't think of a single one I'v enjoyed since I turned 17. Thinking back on my own childhood, Christmas was not a very joyous occasion for me. The most memorable Christmas I've had was when I was little and my father actually decided to spend it with me and my mom. The gifts couldn't stop coming. Homegirl got lots of gifts including a Nintendo. I lost sleep for days playing Mario and Duck Hunt.  And for the first time I felt like I was part of a real family. That did not happen again. My next and most special Christmas was with an ex I never mentioned. Right after I broke up with HSS I was in a relationship with him. We became an official couple that Christmas Eve night. It was magical to say the least. I have not felt that kind of magic since.

And here it is. It's that time of year again. And now for the second Christmas in a row I am a single mother of two trying to fake happiness for two unknowing children. I am grateful for the first Christmas he was not home back in 09. I guess that prepared me for getting used to him not being around.  This Christmas should be a little different than the last though. For one, I have lots of gifts that the kids are gonna just love! I hope I can keep the gifts hidden until the day comes! I also am breaking the old traditions and cutting ties with his family and just doing my own thing. My own thing for now might just be church in the morning, and a simple dinner for my kids and I and whichever straggler feels like dropping by. I also may end up partying at one of those clubs later on that night.

But as the days wind down to the festivities, I am feeling anything but festive. I have been insanely depressed lately. Been crying frequently. Thinking negative things. Wallowing in regrets. I feel like suddenly I am in grief. I feel as if my grief following my separation was delayed. I did not give myself time enough to sort through my feelings and so I get these episodes where I think about my failed marriage, as well as the ending of the relationship with HSS. And no, I do not want to be in a relationship with any of these men, but now I acknowledge that I had not taken any time to deal with my feelings but instead jumped back in the saddle, or saddles of other men. As it stands now, the Aquarian is relentlessly pursuing me but I will not give him the time of day. The Aspiring Writer actually confessed that he wasn't feeling the boy toy thing so we amicably ended our dealings. And right now, I am dating my long time friend, but we both agreed to take things slowly as I work on my feelings, as does he. I'm in a good place right now with lots of possibilities, but at the same time I would have loved to cuddle up around the fireplace this Christmas and ring in the new year with a new boo. But, it's all good because I know that my girls (kids and girlfriends) will have my back. And if I feel lonely my new vibrator that I will be gifting to myself for Christmas will take care of that! And also I have a gut feeling that next year will be great!


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Giving It The Old College Try

So, I am at a crossroads in my life where I have many options in the dating arena, but for one reason or another the options have not been working for me. I've had some highs, and some really low lows. One thing I can certainly say was that I enjoyed stepping outside of myself as I explored my sexuality, and further drove it home that although my current situation was not ideal, I definitely did not want to be with my ex any longer. I do, however, want to experience real love. I'm not sure if I could go as far as far as to say I would like to be remarried, but I want a significant other, as well as to be significant to someone else.

So this guy I will call the Gentle Giant has been my very good friend for many years. Lost touch with him for almost 10 of those years, and as fate would have it we have been reunited. Our reunion would never had happened if it weren't for the fact that I was temporarily displaced from my home due to a natural disaster. Triumph through tragedy!

Well, we've been communicating a lot. At first it was a matter of rekindling our friendship. I began to realize how much I've missed us. He was the kind of guy I could tell anything, and he would always confide in me as well. No matter where I wanted to go he was always available to take me there. I remembered tutoring him in the library when we had finals. I remember us sneaking off campus to get some real food. I remember me and my girl sitting at his games and cheering him on. And I remember going to parties with him as my personal bodyguard. LOL! We were like brother and sister back then. So it never occurred to me that this man could ever carry romantic feelings for me now. I never saw him in that light, but I always wondered about that monster in his pants. Hey, who wouldn't want to see what a 10 inch dick looks like in person? LOL!

So here it is now, he as revealed to me that he knows I am a good woman, and he is in search of of someone like me. He told me that he enjoys his solitude, but still longs to be thought about. He told me his story about his troubled marriage and trifling ex-wife. This man lives for his two young sons. He works hard. He's honest. Since the day I've known him he's never seen the need to put on a front with me. He's always kept it 100% and I've loved him for that. He tells me I am beautiful. He tells me I am strong. He tells me words that comfort me when I am going through my downs. What more could a girl ask for??

But now, it is different. Crossing those boundaries into the unknown. Our friendship was always safe. Now, I've decided to wade into obscurity and allow him to court me. That's right, I said court me. This one is not about sex for me. I can get that (although sometimes not exactly when I want it). But I've learnt that there is more to life than just fucking. I want something meaningful, and I think I have a shot at that with him.

I'm excited and looking forward to how our relationship will develop. I also am looking very much to the first time we have sex, and I think my delaying it will make it that much more special. I'm very happy with my future prospects. Let's hope none of my exes won't screw it up for me. I see HSS, The Married Guy, and The Aquarian trying to reach out to me lately but this time, I'm really doing me!


Saturday, November 19, 2011

When Your MAFS Are Unavailable

What are MAFS you ask? In short, it's a term I coined meaning Men Available For Sex. If you are like me, single and mingling (a lot), you will have a loyal list of MAFS that you turn to whenever the mood strikes you. There are MAFS who may have been your ex. MAFS you never quite gave the time of day until your crotch started jumping. MAFS who you liked well enough to go out with but never beyond that to say, be in a relationship with. They come in all shapes and sizes. Good looking guys who like you but not enough to want to get serious with you. Ugly guys you'd be caught dead with in public. Guys with big dicks who are dicks. Guys with not so big dicks who are really nice so you call them when you really don't want to be alone. Yes, there are MAFS for every occasion.

Last night I left an event feeling lonely and in need of some put me to sleep sex. So my MAFS list looked like this:
HSS - Emotionally unavailable
The Aquarian - Don't want him to think that I want him that badly
College Boo - Too far away
Married Ex - Don't want to risk him having a heart attack while we're having sex
The Aspiring Writer - Too far away and busy
The African Guy - Can't stand his ass
The Promoter Guy - He wants to hit it but I'm still debating if I should go there with him. (I need to tell y'all about him don't it?)

The Vanilla Guy - Don't want to see him at all!

So here it is, every single guy I have on my list was either unavailable, or I was not feeling them enough to make that booty call. The Promoter Guy I would have probably given a chance if I did not have to work early in the morning and if I'd remembered to shave the vajayjay. Now, I realize that my list needs some updating.  I'm in a time of my life where I realize that eventually I will need a Mr. Right, but on nights like last night I need a Mr. Right Now. One who is willing to roll out of bed and bundle up to come see me. One who will tell me to stop by the club on my way home for a torrid fling in the bathroom. One who will drive miles if necessary at a moment's notice.

There is an old friend I ran into the other day and we've been keep tabs on each other ever since. I was never attracted to him like that. Back in the day he was on the basketball team and me and my girl would drive all over the state with him and another guy friend and cheer them on. He said we were his personal cheer leaders. Yes We Were! We used to go out to parties too but never anything beyond that. I do know that his 6'7 tall dark chocolate self is packing a 10 inch monster. I know because he told me so. We were always very open with each other so something like that was nothing to us. I've always been curious and I guess now it's time for the curiosity to kill my cat. LOL! I saw the way he was looking at me. Yes sir!


Monday, November 14, 2011

We're Just Friends..Are We?

It's been a while since I haven't talked about my HSS. This was deliberate. We're in a very weird stage of our relationship right now. We haven't been physical since last summer, and really I've distanced myself from him in a way he was not accustomed to. But somehow in my keeping myself away from him he's always found some way to reach out to me. The last time I saw him was the weekend right before Halloween. He'd called me and informed me that he was not doing anything and wanted to take me to lunch. I was free that afternoon so I said why the hell not. We went out for a bite to eat and we spent hours just talking and catching up with each other.

 To say I did not enjoy being with him would be a lie. I enjoyed being with him under the capacity of a friend. But there was this unspoken awkwardness and tension between us. In my mind I knew that the physical us were over, and to be honest I did not want to pursue anything like that, but there were just subtle gestures on his part that made me feel very vulnerable. For one thing, I just happened to not wear a bra that day, very unusual, and although I had a sweater and a hood on he just couldn't resist to mention that he was aware of my bralessness. Then it started to snow and he became very playful, throwing bits of snow at me while we were taking a walk and then touching me with his bare hands under my sweater. These gestures did nothing but make me wonder if he somehow was trying to get physical with me again but since I gave him an ultimatum in September he had not come out openly and indicated that he wanted to get intimate again.

After we left he called me about 10 minutes after departing to say that he enjoyed being with me and that he was sorry it had been so long since we last saw each other. It felt rather sincere to say the least as I hadn't expected to hear from him for another few weeks let alone a few minutes.  I left wondering what the hell that was about, yet still enjoying the portion of our relationship I hadn't seen for many months: our friendship.

I went on about my life, not calling him, returning his texts, and remaining evasive with him whenever he would finally call me. He was the first person to text me Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. I'd never answer.  He'd call and always want to pry for more information on my goings on, to which I would just tell him that I was just busy. He asked me one day if I just didn't want to talk to him. I did not answer. I did want to talk to him. I just didn't want to let my guard down again. I knew that there was no way he would be able to sustain and prolong the sudden interest he had in me. Yet still, I wanted my friend. The friend I had back when we weren't busy sexing and arguing. I missed that part of us. I wanted that part of us.

But with all this I couldn't help but wonder if it was possible for us to ever be just friends again. I'm pretty good at maintaining boundaries and putting up a wall when I need to. But from what I see he's been trying to break them down. Earlier last week he called me a couple of times, wanting to talk about some personal issues he had going on. All I could do was say "yup" and "mmhmm" whenever he said something that needed a response. His sudden willingness to open up to me was not sitting well with me at this point. In addition, he'd always manage to send subliminal flirtatious messages. Like Saturday morning for example, when we had our last blow out....

I was laying up in my bed, luxuriating in the lateness of the morning, the great night I had prior, and the quietness of my home  as the children were gone. He texted me around 11:30 AM asking what I was doing. I told him I was enjoying myself in my bed. Yes, I did give myself a few orgasms, but I really meant that I was enjoying being able to laze about in bed. He did get very suggestive after that, at which point I told him that I wanted to speak to him, so he called. I asked him what was up, what role I played in his life, and where does he see us ending up. He asked me where I was coming from so I told him that his actions do not necessarily equate to someone  who was just a friend. I mean, when we went out that day he couldn't resist putting my braless state on blast and touching me beneath my clothes. Since then he has not been forward  but still would drop a few lines here and there that indicated he was still interested. Anyway, that is beyond the point now as all I wanted was to establish boundaries and confirm that we were friends and no more. He blows up on me saying that I was trying to spin things on him and blame him for my issues. He then says that he is not holding me back from moving on if that is what I wanted to do. The nerve of him! I told him that I did not need his permission to do anything in my private life, the only conversation I was having was about me and him, and I wanted to get it clear that I was not going to be in a yo-yo relationship any longer. It got heated until I basically hung up on him.

I was livid! I deleted his number from my phone, and all the texts we've had. Dick pics included. I have NEVER done that before in the history of me being involved with him. I am truly done! The whole thing was just stupid. I am beyond the stupidity. This entry will be the last time I will write about him or us in great detail. I'll reconsider it if he shows up to my door with a gun or roses. But as it is right now, he's history and I have moved on.


Friday, November 11, 2011

The Aquarian...Again

So it happened. I hooked up with the Aquarian again. We stopped seeing each other but we never really lost touch. He texts me most days. Some days I blow him off. He will become overly concerned if I don't respond, so I do. He calls me ever so often, that is if I pick up. I'll admit I don't see a future between us. Why? Once bitten, twice shy I guess. I told him during one of our conversations that he did not see me as part of his life, therefore he did not inform me when a crisis was happening in his life. I had to hear from his friend that there was a death in his family and then wait weeks til he finally called me himself. Anyway, he has constantly apologized but I have not gotten over it and I do not intend to. I told him that I still enjoy his company and we had great sex so I wouldn't mind going out with him every now and then.

And so it happened this past Saturday, after me going through a hellish week, he finally convinced me to go out with him. I did not have the kids and I had a little free time so I took up the offer. I met him at this old cinema that showed only adult films. It was very seedy to say the least. It was clean, yes, but the clientele that hung around seemed like they were ready to pounce on you the minute you walked in. As a matter of fact, the Aquarian said that a man had approached him and tried to take his belt off while he was waiting for me. LOL! Serves him right!

Anyway, the balcony section of the theater was closed off to couples only. We climbed the winding staircase and at the top we passed a lounge with leather sofas, and a bathroom to the rear. It appeared to be very clean. We passed that area and went towards the seats. It was very dark but we could still make out the figures.There were a few couples sprinkled here and there.  I did not see much action but I saw some kissing and heard some moaning. So we sat down at the front of the balcony section, and when we looked down to the bottom of the screen up front there were thirsty dudes just waiting to get some action. Then Mr. Aquarian wasted no time. He was already trying to get in my panties but Miss Smarty Pants wore skinny jeans with a tie belt that took a hell of a lot of wiggling to get out of. I managed to do so and his fingers began to #OCCUPY my warmth below. After some heavy tonguing and groping and other things I will not mention I was in his lap, my back pressed against him, and feeling his solid reminder of why I fell for him in the first place.

It was different, to say the least. I experienced a heightened sense of arousal knowing that I was in a public place, with others more than likely watching. I did not even bother putting my pants back on as I walked out in my sweater and boots and led him back to the lounge area where he put me on my knees and finished the job properly. Of course he did a spit and polish while he got his Happy Meal and I was in orgasm heaven! We got cleaned up and left. While getting dressed another couple walked past us and glimpsed me half naked. Surprisingly, I did not feel the least bit shy about it. Another one of my fantasies has been fulfilled by this man and I didn't feel  squeamish about it at all. While walking out we caught another couple getting busy on the balcony. Good for them

The night was still young and although I had to work the next morning I agreed to let him take me for a drink. I was not dressed up to go to one of the upscale clubs nearby, and neither was he. Being so, I let him take me to a nightclub in the hood that I had never been to before. A relative of mine frequents it, and I understand it was recently renovated.

It was clean. The clientèle was not as ghetto as I had imagined it would be. And hey, the drinks were cheap and good. I only had a cranberry vodka. He had about 3 or 4 Bud Limes. While we were enjoying our drinks we talked about us, what went wrong, and he expressed his desire to be with me again. I told him that I was a mess and I did not want to get serious right now. He asked me how I expected him to take me seriously when I did not want to get serious. I had no answer for him, except that I knew in my heart that I was not interested in being with him like that again. His final statement regarding that was that someone must have hurt me real bad. I said yes.

The music was popping! Old school hip hop, R&B, and reggae were pumping through the speakers. There were not many people on the dance floor, but everyone was bopping their head at least. We were hugged up and dancing the night away. I was really enjoying myself until a guy that looks EXACTLY like my ex walked in. He took a seat right next to where were standing at the bar. I froze. I felt my stomach tie up in knots. My stomach hurt so bad I turned pale. Almost immediately, the Aquarian asked me what was wrong. I told him I was tired and not feeling well. He asked me if I wanted to leave and at first I tried to soldier it out, but it came to a point where I could not take it any longer so he drove me back to my car.

Ever since then he has been insisting on seeing me, spending more time with me, doing things that couples do. I enjoy spending time with him, and I especially enjoy the wild. crazy sex we have. But I know that's just as far as it goes between us. I don't trust him. I know I have trust issues and once that trust has been violated, as far as I am concerned, everything coming out of your mouth is bullshit. So instead of driving myself crazy by doubting everything he says, I prefer not to get reattached. I will. however, keep tapping that dick as long as there's water in the pipes.