Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Neither Hair Nor There

I decided to give up the creamy crack. I last relaxed my hair in July of 2010. Well, before this past weekend. I decided to go ahead and perm the hair because I just couldn't find the time to give it the comb out and TLC it required as the naps were growing in. I had been wigging it for months but summer is fast approaching and the scalp is growing claustrophobic as the days get warmer.

So I went to the hair store and got a big jar of Olive Oil regular strength relaxer. I knew it had lye in it but figured that because my hair went so long without a perm, a stronger base would be needed. Before I even got to doing the front, the back of my head was throbbing with pain. By the time I applied the last of the relaxer to the front quarter I was flying to the sink to rinse my hair out.

I winced in pain as the back of my head felt as if it had been lit on fire. The last front quarter was not even processed properly, and back there is now feeling like apple sauced dried up back there with all the scar tissue. What's a chick to do? I wanted to rock a cute half wig so I had to have my hair permed. My hair was knotted and matted and looking like it locked on its own. I am not a high maintenance chick. I like wash and go but I don't even have time to wash as often as I should.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Clubbing Over 25

So last night I decided to round up a group of girlfriends and hit the clubs. I put on the shortest dress I could find, slipped on my favorite pair of heels, donned a new wig, and rocked my meticulously applied makeup. Ain't nobody dope as me cuz I was just so fresh and clean.

The spot we went to was supposed to be this ultra chic, upscale nightclub. Well they had free valet, nice! But when I stepped in I was sorely disappointed. Not that the club was mostly vanilla, but the patrons were mostly kids, itty bitty mens, not one potential future ex husband in sight.

The music was not doing it for me. Now I love a good mix of house, top 40's, hip hop, r&b, and reggae. I love it all. But the mix was not consistent for me to hold a vibe so of course I went straight for the bar. Because it was my birthday outing I kept getting free drinks all night. I had a Long Island Iced Tea, 2 shots of Ciroc, and a glass of Chardonnay from this Polish-Russian guy who invited me to his VIP section. I only stayed there long enough to finish the glass of wine and give him an obligatory dance. He was nice though and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I reciprocated then bounced.

Afterwards, I was jonesing for an after hour spot, but those only take place in the hood, and when you get to be over 25 you don't like partying with the hood rats like you did back in the day. I have been in joints where there have been shoot outs or stabbings. Nuh-uh. Not I.  So while I was jonesing for a decent after hour spot, some of my girls were jonesing for food, and others for some sleep. They all won. They grabbed some food from a Jamaican joint that was open and we went home.

I slept in until 10:30am then woke up with the nastiest headache I have ever had in my life. I was partially blind. I forced myself to get up because I was sooo nauseous. I threw up a few times throughout the day. I took some ibuprofen (800mg) but the headache was not going anywhere so I stayed in bed. It was at this point that told myself :

"I am getting too old for this shit."

Back in the day I could drink any man under the table. I have never felt as fucked up as I did this morning. I am truly getting older. I am past my prime. I can't believe that I can't handle my liquor anymore. Getting wasted and hung over is so not grown and sexy, the category I see I now belong in. Tres sad!

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Sooo...yours truly is toying with the idea of trying this. I  subconsciously hold my breath right before I orgasm so why not? I am getting so turned on with a whole necktie scenario that has been playing out in my mind. Wonder if HSS would wanna try this? Hmmm. Yes it is dangerous, and I am a danger fiend!

So what exactly is asphyxophilia? According to Wiktionary it is:

"Literally, the love of asphyxia. A sexual practice, generally not terminal (and even then probably only accidentally), of arranging to produce asphyxia at the moment of orgasm. The practice may have originated from the observation, described in a novel by the Marquis de Sade, that hanged males sometimes achieve erection and even ejaculation before dying."

So this is not exactly some mainstream sexual act. As the name Marquis de Sade indicates, it would be considered an act of sadomasochism or S&M. I can't say I am a full blown sadist. I do not receive joy from whipping someone raw or being spanked til my ass throbs in pain. I love a tap here and there, or a bite here and there and maybe a little bit of hot wax (not poured all over my body but rubbed in). But sorry Ri-Ri, whips and chains do not excite me. 

With regards to breath play, as asphyxophilia is commonly called, I think I am turned on by the idea because I know how intense my orgasms are when I hold my breath. H.S.S. says he can always tell when I am about to come because I fall deathly silent, my eyes are shut tight, and I get very tense. Almost as if I am in a trance, and yes I can tell you I feel as if I am about to levitate.

There is a whole world out there concerning breath play. I stumbled upon this website that promotes safe breath play and even gives an instructional to the different kinds of breath play. I had no idea there were so many ways of skinning this cat! The website also acknowledges the dangers associated with such activities. At the foundation of breath play is mutual respect and trust between the two parties. Respect that if I do not like this you will stop, and trust that you will not kill me in the process. Interestingly enough, it was revealed that out of 25 million people in the US, it is estimated that 250 will die of erotic asphyxiation in a year. This is not for the faint of heart. This may not be your cup of tea. But it's good to know what kind of sexual options we have in this world today isn't it?

Friday, April 22, 2011

It Really Hit Home

My girls are going to grow up without their dad. Maybe they will see him once a year. But they are going to grow up without him.  And it hurts. I tried my best. I told myself that I was going to get married and have kids. I am very traditional when it comes to having children out of wedlock. I was born out of wedlock (even though my parents married after 36 years of being together *rolleyes*).

I grew up without my father being around for most of my life. He would come once a year for 3 weeks at a time. It was other men in my life who taught me how to ride a bike without training wheels, tie a Windsor knot, fly a kite, and finally, to drive. These men were either friends of my mother, her ex boyfriend, or the father of my best friend. I would get jealous visiting my cousins who had their dad at home with them. I felt so out of place, like a black sheep.

 Lord knows I tried, but my best was not good enough. I could not control the external circumstances. I got some news just now from a reliable source that the STBE is most likely leaving the country in the next couple years. While I feel happy that he won't be nearby to harass me, I am deeply saddened for my girls. I also see I have some work ahead of me to find surrogate fathers for them. I believe that it is very important for little girls to have a male figure in their lives so that they can know how to relate to one when they are older.

I had considered H.S.S. as a good one as he is the father of a little girl as well, and a very good one too. I thought of it but decided to halt with that notion until I knew for certain what was going on with us. I suppose when the dust settles in that arena I could bring it up. Despite the fact that we were broken up, we remained a part of each other's lives as friends, and I doubt that we will ever stop being friends if we should even decide to stop being intimate.

Anyway, my mind is not even on that portion of it as it is too far down the road, but I feel as if I failed my girls.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I Am Aware Of My Clitoris

Are you? 

Today is Clitoris Awareness Day. It is also National Weed Day. I am kinda offended that my clit didn't get it's own day of recognition. Why did we have to share with cannabis? At least we don't share the day with HIV Awareness. Yeow!

Anyway, I have been aware of my clitioris since the age of 12, when out of curiosity I discovered how my "down there" works. I have not looked back since.  I am aware of how engorged and phallic it becomes during heightened arousal. I am aware that sometimes my clit does not like to be stroked every single day. Sometimes it makes me aware that I need to use some lube. It does not like the super fast vibrators, but prefers a gentle hum. It also does not, *gasp*, enjoy too much cunnilingus. The intense pressure exerted from a good tongue wash can prove to be too much. It goes months between appointments and it is making me aware that one is due right about now. I texted H.S.S. and told him that he should come honor my clit in observance. He laughed and said he was working tonight.

Enjoy your clits ladies, and become aware of their likes and dislikes. Thank God we don't live in a place like Somalia where they cut off women's clits so that they do not enjoy sex. Ouch! By the way, is this even a real day of recognition? LOL!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Full Circle

So he came over last night. And yes, I'll get right to it. We did end up doing the nasty. But that was not even the highlight of it all.

Saturday night was a wash, literally. We had a bad storm pass through and I was knocked out early so he did not make it over. I didn't call him on Sunday. I pretty much went on about my business as I had promised myself. Then at about 8:30pm my cell rings. It's him. He wants to sleep over. I ask him why tonight (Sunday) of all nights. We both have an early start in the morning and he never spends the night on a Sunday. He said because he just wanted to be with me. So I said "fine, come over". He confirmed that we had a date.

I did not make a big fuss as I usually did when he was coming over. Minimal makeup. Don't care hair. Dressed down clothes. The one thing I did select carefully was my underwear. It wasn't the sexy come hither style I would normally rock but a cute satin and lace set. Oh, I had shaved the night before and didn't even bother with a touch up. LOL!

So he gets here straight from work. He heads straight to the shower and asks me to join him. I declined. When he came out he asked me for a back rub and I was happy to oblige (still fully clothed). He asked me about my week and I remained as vague as possible. He noticed and it obviously agitated him. I slowly began to open up some more and he seemed to relax a bit. We chit chatted about everything and nothing, and for the first time in a long time, I truly felt like my friend was back. We just relaxed and watched my new favorite series (The Borgias) until I decided to turn over and go to sleep. How he did it I don't know, but I was disrobed and doing the deed in no time.

The intimacy between us was different. I do not know how to explain it. It was like a burst of energy was going back and forth between us. An unspoken language. Suddenly, I felt my oxytocin levels rise. I was in sheer bliss. I could not stop smiling. And he saw it in my eyes. Then he could not stop smiling either. When we cuddled afterwards, I had the biggest grin on my face. I laid there with my head on his chest, him with his arms around me, me listening to his heartbeat and feeling as if we were in unison. It felt so perfect. So right. I told him I was going to sleep and he kissed me goodnight. I think that was the first time he's kissed me goodnight. As I drifted in and out of sleep I thought to myself that I could sleep with him beside me for the rest of my life. That is a new feeling for me. I don't like to share my bed. My husband and I had separate bedrooms. I used to imagine smothering him with the pillow when he used to snore. With H.S.S. I find his snore amusing. I find his body next to mine heavenly.

I love the man. And I know the man loves me. I don't know what to make of our future. I think I am enjoying this stage in our relationship right now. The stage where I know that something is in the making, waiting for him to make the next move, and in his own way he has. If he did not want to be with me he would have completely shut down after I told him how I felt, but he didn't. He still wanted to spend time with me. I have faith that what will be, will be. I am enjoying us and our together time. If that is all that is meant to be, then that is all there is all there is to it. But I know that there is a reason that after so many years and so many miles, we still end up with each other. It's almost as if we are on the cusp of coming full circle.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Have Set A Date!

So I was planning to do it sooner, like 6 months after  our separation. He is residing in the Midwest now so I decided to wait until he settles down back here on the East Coast.

It will be painful. I can see it already. He still has his eyes set on us being a family once again. Recently he made an offer to finance my graduate studies. I have not accepted. He still feels like it is his responsibility. It is not. We are no longer a family unit. We were not a family unit long before he left.

So recently I was speaking to a male friend of mine about the situation and he pretty much told me to gear up for some negative backlash. Given the fact that he wanted to reconcile and I did not, there is bound to be some hurt feelings flying around. Also, the fact that I will retain all the assets and leave him with nothing but the clothes on his back and maybe his 37" LCD that is in the bedroom is bound to cause animosity. If his dragon of a mother wants back any of the pieces of furniture that she gave us when we got married then she is more than welcome to take them. I will not let material things get in the way. But I am not giving up the house as this is our home. He may have fronted most of the cash but I put my heart and my soul into this house. Our children were born here and this house will be theirs when I am gone.

As to the custody of the children, that is a moot point. This is their home and this is where they will reside. If he should relocate back to the area then he can see them on the weekends and during the week too if they have no scheduled activities. Child support I will not file for if I do not have to. I do not believe I should have to tell a man that his children need certain things in order to thrive.

I will not use the children as leverage against him. No matter how bad our relationship was, I will not prevent him from being a father to his children. My instincts tell me that he will reveal his true colors eventually and they will feel indifferent about his presence in their lives but that is much later on.

So the first step is filing that paperwork. I am going to get in touch with my lawyer soon and begin to strategize what course of action we are going to take and how we are going to execute this. I have to do this for many reasons. Financial, spiritual, emotional. I also believe that once I close this chapter of my life, I can open new doors. Who knows, maybe my being legally married is what's keeping H.S.S. from saying yes to committing out of fear that I might decide to reconcile. I can't deny that I have thought about doing so, but I get jolted back to reality pretty quickly when I remember all the turmoil I went through.

I also wonder what will happen after the divorce. Like this blog for example. I won't be a married single mom anymore. A title change is definitely in the forecast!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Rubber Band Effect

This image is so not representing exactly what I intended 
to portray but it was as funny as hell! LOL!
I've been spying this month's Cosmo for a few days and I finally picked it up on Thursday. Got the opportunity to read it last night. The article that interested me so much is "Your Secret Love Weapon". It talks about moments in relationships when guys tend to back away from you and how you can remedy this.

The key is what I have been discussing here in recent times: simply giving him space. Space to want you, space to miss you, space to seek you. They call this the rubber band effect. Two people in a meaningful relationship (which is the rubber band around them) who pull away from each other periodically, are bound to bounce right back into each other.

I have done so with my H.S.S.  I haven't called him, texted him, emailed him, or visited him. I have immersed myself into my work and my family. I have become busy once again, like I was in the beginning of our reunion. So I tell my girlfriend, (who I jokingly call my significant other due to the fact that we speak to each other first thing in the morning and last thing at night), that I was pretty certain I would hear from him today. I know him. I know how this thing works. Stop paying attention to him and he is all up in your grill.

So lo and behold he texts:

Good afternoon, how r u? Haven't heard from u in a while

How freaking predictable! Cosmo hit the nail on the head with this one. Here is a condensed version of the article.

"Guys need time apart to test and whether being with a particular woman is really what they want they want, whereas women try to spend even more time as a couple to figure out if they’re compatible with that guy." - Denise Budden Potts, PhD ( Psychologist)
“It’s called mate-value economic…Women who are too easy to attract are perceived as less desirable” – David Buss, PhD (Evolutionary psychology researcher and professor at University of Texas at Austin
(After spending time apart) “…When he initiates coupley one-on-one time, you know for sure it’s because he’s ready, not because he feels obligated.” – Daniel Ellensberg, PhD (Relationship Expert)
         “When it comes to couple time, you want quality, not quantity… If you have been happily occupied 
          and he’s had a chance to miss you, being together will feel as exciting and fulfilling as when you 
          first met.” - Denise Budden Potts, PhD ( Psychologist)

In a nutshell, it emphasizes the need for space that guys inherently have. They are hunters by nature. If we don't give them the space to hunt us from time to time they will get bored and shut down. I've seen it happen with H.S.S. My girl has seen it happen with her love interest.

So my boo is missing me and wants to spend some quality time with me. Of course he misses the loving as well, but my presence in his life has been suddenly limited. Right now, I am undecided as to whether or not I will let him come over as I am dog tired, but I will admit I miss him terribly. Him and his oh so perfect dick!

Friday, April 15, 2011


I am feeling overwhelmed with the balancing act and the constant pressures of adulthood. Twice this week I broke my self-imposed no-drinking-until-the-weekend rule. I had so many things taking place all at once that I just HAD to have a drink to maintain my sanity.

I have to shuttle the kids from point A to B, the same with my mom. Run her errands. Run their errands. Jeopardized my job this week because I had to take some time to take my daughter to the doctor. That was a huge depressor in my week but fortunately I have an understanding boss.

It is the weekend and all I can see is the growing to-do list in front of me. I have to go back to work tonight to do an overnight shift for a call-out. When I get off at 9am I pick up the kids and my mom, go to the bank, go to the store, take little one to dentist, take big one to a birthday party, do my mom's hair, and hopefully if the sun is still out I can get outdoors and do some yard work. All this right before I collapse from exhaustion.

I feel like I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, and there is no one here to hold me in their arms and tell me it will all be ok. I haven't called H.S.S. all week, and it's sad because he would be the first person I would call whenever I had a crummy day or week. I am giving us some space right now. It is the weekend so I know he will come seeking me out. But I am too exhausted to even think about sex right now, and that is a huge thing for me because I am always willing and able. LOL!


Thursday, April 14, 2011

It's Been Weighing On My Mind

So I have lost a significant amount of weight in the past few months. I am happy. I needed to lose it. I have high blood pressure and studies show that maintaining a normal weight makes one less prone to diseases such as this. Most of my weight I had gained during my relationship with my STBE husband. Then there was the freshman 10. I made up my mind that I am going for broke and losing it all. I want to get back to my high school skinny.

At this point I have been complimented on what I have achieved so far. I am halfway there. I have gone from a size 14/16 to a size 10/12. I expect by the end of this year I will be at my goal weight and dress size which is a 5/6. I thought that I would have felt happier than I am right now, but I am feeling some ambivalence.

My mother opposes my new weight loss goals. She has not come out and said so, but it is evident that she does. Whenever she is here, she cooks the most unhealthy foods she could possibly find. She even cooks things that she does not eat but I do, knowing full and well that I am watching my caloric intake. While she was here my weight went up and down. Since she has been gone I have lost quite a few pounds without even working out. While she was here I had to schedule a few sessions of the P90X to burn off her calories and then some. I do not know if my weight loss challenges her to get off her butt and do something about her own weight issues, but she made sure that she made every tempting food she could think of to slow me down.

H.S.S. has also made remarks about my weight loss. In the beginning he would marvel that every time he saw me I looked slimmer. Then the last few times we were together he would tell me that I was losing too much weight and I needed to eat more. The last time he slept over, after having sex he actually went outside and brought some food from his SUV that he bought at Ihop's earlier and offered it to me. I wanted to decline, as it was like 3am, but I accepted and took 2 bites and gave it back to him. He frowned at me and complained that I did not eat anything. LOL!

The straw that broke the camel's back was this morning. I dropped my older child off at school this morning and one of her teachers who hasn't seen me for months said to me that I was "wasting away". I laughed and told her that I was. In hindsight, I should have just told her that I was working out and eating healthier, but I didn't as I jetted out of there as fast as I could.

I feel empowered by my ability to take my life in my own hands and get it back in my control, but at the same time, I feel saddened by the fact that two of the people closest to me, and others in my social circle seem to not support my decision. Maybe they are unaware of the way they come off but I still feel the way I do, and it sucks because I should be excited.

Live, Love, Thrive

So this is the title of the new Oprah Magazine for this month. I have never bought an Oprah magazine and I hardly ever watch her show, but the title caught me. Her picture caught me as well. Airbrushed and all, Lady O is looking fab! Yes we know she has enough money in the world to feed a country but we also know that money does not buy happiness. She looks truly happy and well. And the title is all about being happy and well. Living, loving, and thriving.

So this got me thinking about my own life and where I currently stand. Am I living or just existing? Am I loving or just metering out my affections? Am I thriving, or just stagnant without personal growth?


For the moment, I am just existing. I get up, drop the kids off, go to work, pick the kids up, run around and do errands. Go home to do chores. Prep for the following day, go to bed, and do it all again. I feel like I am on a treadmill sometimes. Most recently I have been feeling very overwhelmed. I do have plans to getaway at the end of this month. I am also trying to plan a vacation for the kids and I this summer. I know I need to take a break from the everyday mundane life, and live.


I have loved, but not deeply I fear. I have held back my feelings out of fear of feeling too vulnerable. This has gotten me in a pickle on more than one occasion, most recently with H.S.S. who was not sure of my feelings for him and did not know how to proceed. I have said it here a few times and I will say it again, I will not close myself off from love.


I have grown. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I am a different woman today than I was a year ago. I am independent and on my way to becoming a self sufficient woman. I still have goals and aspirations which I intend on achieving. The road to getting there has been tough, but I am still clawing my way out, tooth and nail.


After completing my self assessment I acknowledge that I am a work in progress. I embrace that and I am happy with it. At least I am evolving, slowly but surely, into the woman I was meant to be. As my goals become more clear, I am filled with purpose, and the drive to achieve these goals sustains me. Oh yeah, I got a copy of this mag from work today! Will read it over the weekend when I get a chance.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Resurrection Of A Very Dead Ex

Dead to me that is!

It was a torrid love affair that began when I was very young. I had just finished my first year in college. We met on the net back when chat rooms were just becoming popular. He was much older than I was and he lived in NYC which was a couple hours away from me.

We had a strong connection. He was the person I could rely on. I could talk to him about anything. This guy was not my ideal man looks-wise. I saw beyond that and I thought he was the world! Our sexual vibe was so strong. We would find that when one was thinking of the other, the other would feel it. Yes, he had one of the smallest dicks I had ever been with in my life but the sex was still banging! He had me hollering and we broke his bed a couple times. And ooh he could work that tongue! I also had my first and only threesome experience with him. Don't know how it happened but it did. Yes he was a freak, even wanted to do anal with me but I was not a willing participant. LOL!

Well, our relationship was too good to be true. I found out after snooping around his apartment on one of my visits that he was cheating on me. He had a chat that he left open and it had some very damning conversations in it. After that I did some more snooping and found out that he had been married, news that was not known to me. And the nail in the coffin was three kids for whom he owed back child support. Oh yeah, he told me he was sterile and could not have children - ever! And I was fucking him without protection! You all know I flew to my GYN the first chance I could.

I did not confront him. I fucked him and stewed and he knew something was up. It was not until I was back home, 120 miles away, that I called him and unleashed my wrath on him for lying to me and hiding important facts such as this. I felt like I did not know this man. I met his family, his close friends. I let him into my life. Yet, I knew nothing about him other than the mundane details. I felt hurt and betrayed by his lies.

He had the nerve to turn it around on me, saying that I was not clear about wanting to be with him. Like a fool I tried to show him that I wanted to be with him. I was hanging on to what I thought was my soulmate. He actually severed the ties between us when he took a job out in California. I told him I was gonna come visit him and he told me not to bother. It hurt but at that point I realized that we were not meant to be. It took me a while to bounce back from him but I did -  straight into a marriage with my STBE husband.

Now this nukka has the nerve to shout me on the net and ask me how I am doing as if we were chummy with each other. It's almost as if he thinks I forgot about the shady shit he did. My girlfriend said that was not necessarily so, but more that he was hoping that time had healed my wounds and I had forgiven him. I haven't forgiven shit. I am not crippled by his deceit. I think I am able to have a normal, healthy relationship with a normal, healthy individual, provided that I am feeling normal and! If anything, I should thank him for opening my eyes and making me realize that men can be grimey.  I did not respond to his message and I really don't plan to.

Should I let bygones be bygones and say hi to the pathetic SOB? (Sorry Mama C. You are not a B but your son acts like the son of one!)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Happy Birthday My Little Princess!

Today is my older daughter's birthday. Even with the absence of her dad and a smaller turnout than previous years she had a fabulous time. She was surrounded by her closest friends and family members. There were 27 of us present so it was a good crowd. It was a sad day for me. I was so sad for my daughter. Which little princess wouldn't want their dad there with them on special days such as this one?

Anyway, I marveled at the fact that despite our perfectly imperfect lives I am still able to give her material comforts and show her that life is not all about being on the grind and down in the dumps. We grieve but we should still rejoice at the happy moments in our lives.

Her dad called during the party right after she cut the cake. She told him that she missed him very much and she loved him. I could hear the sadness in her voice. It was an emotional time for me. I did everything I could to hold it together. Tonight I am tempted to go cry it out in the dark before I go to sleep. But I feel an even more overwhelming desire to hug my girls tight and lull them to sleep.

Friday, April 8, 2011

OK...What's Really Up?

So I am at work and H.S.S. texts me at noon for an impromptu lunch date. Too bad I was tied up with work and couldn't go. And by the time I got out he would have been at work. So I am puzzled. What's up? What's reaaally up? We have not gone out in a long time. We had a little spat over something that almost jeopardized our relationship, and here he is calling me, asking me out, and following up on his promises.


My girl said it is possible that he is sorry about how he reacted to my question about him trusting me. It is also possible that he is thinking about that other stuff (commitment).

Whatever it is I don't know. I am relishing in the sudden shift in tempo in our relationship. So long as I keep myself busy and stop showering him with as much attention as I used to then we should be good. Want you but don't need you boo!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I Just Called To Say...

No "I love you" here. Something similar but subliminal though. The standoff ended much sooner than I had anticipated it would. This evening as I was about to pick the kids up he called.

Me: Hello
Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: I just called to say hi and see where it goes from there.
Me: Ok then. Hi.

I finally asked him how he was and then the conversation went on for a little over 10 minutes until I cut him off. He had tried to arrange to pick up my car tomorrow to wash it but I had it washed at the dealership  today. He also inquired about the state of my domicile this weekend (ie: if anyone would be there).

 He called me back about an hour after our conversation to ask me why I washed the car; if I didn't think he would have done it. I laughed and told him that I did not expect him to but I got it washed because I took the car in to get something under warranty repaired and they had offered for free. So I said, "why not?" I heard some relief in his voice. I wondered if he thought I asked some other guy to wash it because he knows I do not normally wash the vehicle on my own. LOL!

It was cute. He still wants to be a part of my life somehow. I just don't think he is ready to step up to the next level. It's all good though. My resolve has not changed. I am focusing on me. Whatever is to take place with us will take place eventually. My love for him is unwaivering, and I am sure he feels the same about me. That is all that matters at this point.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I Don't Know Much..

"..but I know I love you
and that may be all I need to know."- Aaron Neville

I have pretty much adopted this resolve. I was fine with this quasi-relationship before the questions of us being together came into the equation. I think I really was fine with the arrangement from the get-go. I have many things I need to resolve before even thinking of going down the commitment road. It is no doubt that the anxiety associated with our being together wrecked my health the other day. I'm sort of glad this minor skirmish took place. Now that our positions are clearer I can proceed with greater intent.

H.S.S. and I are neutral right now (he helped me out with my oil change yesterday), but I think we need to miss each other a little so I am giving him a breather for a few weeks. In the meantime, I vow to keep myself occupied with my work, my kids, my health, and a male friend or 2 here and there. LOL! Listen, I said I will not close myself off from any opportunities of love. I mean it this time around!

As for C.L. Guy, he has earned a place in my heart, but when he eventually resumes contact I will let him know right off the bat that I wish him well but I cannot maintain a relationship with him. Neither platonic nor intimate.

At the end of the month I have a weekend rendezvous lined up with someone I've never mentioned on here before. I've known him for years but never pursued anything. He is taking me out of state for my birthday. He's a gentleman so I don't expect that he will be making any moves on me. Will keep you posted on that!

At this moment in time, I'm sitting back and allowing what is mine come to me as God intended.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Want You But Don't Need You

Ne-Yo said it:
"ooh its somethin about
kinda woman that want you but dont need you
hey i cant figure it out
there's something about her"

The brother ain't lying. Men like that aura. The aura of a woman who is obviously into them but not so much that he becomes her oxygen. Too often we as women give our men so much attention that they take advantage of our affections and begin to slack off on returning the favor. Many times too the men we shower with our attention don't even deserve it. 

We need to grasp the concept of "Miss Independent".  Not only that we can do for ourselves, but we need to show our men that we love them and we want them, but also that they are not indispensable. I think this is where I went wrong with H.S.S.  As soon as he thought that the danger of me seeing someone else had passed he began to slack off on the things he did earlier on in our (quasi) relationship.

All afternoon yesterday I had been laid up in bed, crippled with my thoughts, wondering how I allowed myself to get to this point. I felt as if I had lost a child! I forced myself to take stock of my life: where I had come from and where I am right now.  I realized that I had a lot going for me.

At the beginning of this blog I had mentioned that I was broke and underemployed. Within the past month or so I have been promoted at my job and making much more than I was before. Yes, I am still playing catch up on my bills but I am on my way to clearing my debt. 

My STBE left me in a huge financial mess, but still I have to admit that he had set me up pretty well. Thanks to him I own my home, I drive a $40K vehicle, and I have two undeniably beautiful children. 

I am college educated and have aspirations to resume my graduate studies once I have stabilized myself. I can hold an intelligent conversation because I am a perpetual student. I keep myself abreast on current affairs. This chick is not a dumb broad.

Also, I am not your runway model type of beautiful but I am gorgeous. Recently I have lost 30 lbs and still have some way to go, but I couldn't help but notice that I was getting more attention from the opposite sex. Most recently I had been hit on by two old white men. I wondered briefly if any of them were up to being my sugar daddy. LOL! I kid! 

But yes, after doing some assessment I realize that I've got it going on, and any man who is not secure in himself would have a hard time dealing with a "Miss Independent" like me. A man wants to provide for his woman, to give her all her heart's desires provided that he can afford it, and ultimately make her happy. If a man like my H.S.S. is incapable of doing that right now he is not going to pursue a committed relationship until he can outdo what any other man in her life has done. 

I've pretty much got it made where all I need from a man right now is company, sex, and the occasional odd job around the house. H.S.S. has pretty much done that for me and more but he is still not content. That is not sufficient for him so he is unwilling to step out of the booty call with benefits role and be my man once again.

It's all good though. I want him, but I don't need him. I remember writing that in my diary back in the day when we were having our troubles and I was considering breaking up with him. It still holds true to this day. Any man who is going to come knocking at my door has got to come hard, because I have so much to offer. But I can only give so much if I get so much.

Monday, April 4, 2011

When It All Falls Down

I started typing this post with a chuckle, shaking my head in disbelief. The stars must not be aligned right at all.

Called H.S.S. last night to ask him wtf he meant. Was met with a bigger WTF when I posed the question to him saying that it was not directed at me and I was reading into things. We had a heated argument til I told him to have a good night and hung up.

Ended up telling C.L. Guy not to come over because I had some issues I had to attend to.

C.L. Guy texts me this evening telling me that he is going to need some space for a while because things just got more complicated for him.


I am taking it all in stride I think. Still a little raw from the roller coaster ride I just got off. I'll be ok.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

It Effing Hurts

My heart feels as if it had been steamrolled and then cut up into smitherines.  H.S.S. came over last night and our conversation brought up some things that pretty much revealed where we stand in terms of moving forward with a committed relationship.

So earlier this week I had asked him out on a date. He happily agreed. I did not get my hopes up. I didn't get all excited as I usually would. My premonitions were right because early Saturday afternoon he called to let me know that he got called in to work and would come over when he finished up his shift. In a nonchalant manner I said "no big deal," to which he took great offense. I asked him if he expected me to get upset and yell at him, and told him that I was trying to be more understanding towards his situation like I told him I would.

So since we weren't going out I offered to order some take out so we could at least have dinner together. He said ok. Turns out that he went out to eat with his coworkers so me waiting all evening to have dinner was a bust. When I learnt this it was after 10 pm so I warmed up some old leftovers (which were surprisingly tasty anyway!).

He showed up at my door at 1 am. I gave him a short kiss and then walked away to my bedroom. I was watching a movie at the time. I had no clue whether or not we were going to get busy. I warmed up some oil and gave him a back massage which sent him snoring within minutes. To my surprise after I woke him, he was all over me tearing my ass up!

We showered, separately as usual, and then I got dressed and went to bed. He joined me after and we snuggled up. As usual, he wanted to talk after sex. I listened to him speak of some hypothetical situations which he was discussing with another friend and he asked me for my unbiased opinion. The two things that he said which  got me saying "huh?" were:

"One day if I should ever trust another woman again..."
"when I am ready to get into another relationship..."

Now in my head I am thinking:

"What am I? Chopped liver?"

It is apparent, he has his walls up. It is also apparent that he does not want to be with me. I am appreciative that he did not lie to me or pretend to be in a committed relationship with me only to have the truth turn around and bite me in the ass. I am however, deeply and truly hurt.

When he was leaving he noticed my disposition had changed because I was not my usual cheery self. He kissed me on the lips and I didn't reciprocate. I was making tea and had my back turned to him as he walked out of my kitchen door. When he noticed I did not accompany him to the door for a last hug or kiss like usual, he then commented on my SUV in the garage, saying that it needed to be washed and he will pick it up on Friday. In times past he has never offered. Usually I would have to beg him. I think he knows that there is a new chasm in our relationship and he offered to wash my vehicle out of guilt. Maybe out of love too, but more out of guilt I think.

How do I proceed from here? I will continue as I have been doing. I made a "new me" resolution a while back, (not a new year's resolution), that I will NOT close myself off from any opportunities of love. I will continue to  meet other potential suitors. I will now cease calling or texting him. However, I will accept his calls and texts and if I feel so inclined I will even let him come over and give me some if he would like to. I will move him back into the category I had him in before - just a fuck who I happen to also love. If you rub an area of skin constantly it hardens in response. It is a natural defense mechanism to protect what's on the inside. Time for me to harden the skin around my heart where he is concerned.

And that shred of principle I thought I had, it is non existent! CL Guy is coming over for dinner. No, I will not sleep with him. I can't anyway.