Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Hot Sex and Cold Feet

I did something naughty recently. Lord have mercy I've been bad!!! But it felt so good!!! Apparently some new dick fell into my lap,and raised the suspicions of my superiors at the studio and the Boss Man, as well as the new dick's fiancee. It lasted about a month but what a month it was!

 So yes, I borrowed another woman’s man.  How do I feel about it? Not in the least bit remorseful nor guilty. Why? I have no idea. I never go hunting for OPP but I suppose if the dude is packing and the girl is not smart enough to lock him up and he comes sniffing at my legs, I won't kick him away. However, I do worry about the other end of the spectrum. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s time to pull the plugs on this one and cease all communication even though he is no longer within my grasp. His name is SJ.

We've been acquaintances for a few years. We share a mutual friend and our interaction has always been within the context of a platonic friendship. I have never been attracted to him physically. I love my man well built and solid with a lot of meat on him. He has a very fragile frame that defies his abilities in the bed. A couple months ago, he informed me that he was going to be traveling in my area, and ironically his fiancée lives close by too. I did not know what to make of it one way or the other. I really did not have any intentions to smash but he made it very clear that he wanted to get it in. When he showed me a video of his 9.5 inch dick I could not resist.

We went out for dinner the first time with my girlfriend and her date. I had planned for it to be just the two of us but she interjected and I was kind of glad she did because then I was able to just talk casually with him and keep it friendly. But all that went out the window when I was tipsy after we left the salsa lounge and OMG I just wanted to feel his tongue on my clit. He had been touchy feely with em all night and even my girl was wondering what was up because she was aware that he was taken. I was so hot that we pulled over in the parking lot of a synagogue, sorry Yahweh, and he put an eating on me like I had never had in my life! Now the Aquarian has met his match! I swear I came so hard that I was satisfied with just a head job, a rare for me. But his flag was at full mast so I just could not resist. I jumped right on the saddle and rode it until we were mutually satisfied.

I couldn’t wait to have more of him and I sure as hell did. There were times when we were together and could not take advantage of each other. Once our significant others found out about each other’s existence it kind of changed things. I remember an occasion when the Boss Man had come down to watch me do my show and sat beside me for hours. Something he never did before, but I assume he did so because SJ was there. The week before, he had showed up unannounced and left just as quickly as he came. He had no idea I would have been there. No one was supposed to be there, but I had a meeting with the studio managers and brought SJ with me. I found out later that he has  remote access to the cameras in the studio and surmised that he without a doubt saw me there with SJ so he popped by real quick just to show me that he saw me.

SJ’s girlfriend now, I actually shook hands with her. One night I picked him up to take him out to the club and I had no idea she was there. He neglected to inform me and so I had to put up my best front after the quick intro and ask her why she wasn't coming with us. She claimed that he did not invite her and I gave him a mean look. I saw her looking at me too like she was trying to map out her competition because yes I was dressed in sexy club wear. Women know. And she knew what time it was. I asked him when we were on our own if she didn't mind him going out with me. He said no, she did not because she went out with male friends too. I brought him right back without even touching him. After that, Miss Thing kept a tight lid on his going out. While she was out of town I was able to have my way with him. And God did I have my way. Once I lost count of how many times I came, he said it was about six. But other than weeknights I was not able to have him the way I wanted to. His last week here, she returned home sooner than she had planned and pretty much had him locked down right up to his departure. She had me cussing in my head, remarking on her iniquitous manner of holding his dick hostage when he was in fact community property! After he landed he called me to tell me that he was sorry he couldn't say goodbye to me properly. He offered to make it up to me when I come to visit him. I plan to do so next month. And God I can’t wait to feel him in me again. But now, I am having cold feet.

I like SJ a lot. As a friend. We have a good rapport and get along great. We see eye to eye on most issues. But lately, things have changed.  He calls me beautiful all the time. All the time. And at first I would just brush it off but it is clear that his attraction is much deeper than what I assumed was lip service. He recently admitted to me that he was really feeling me. I asked him, feeling me how? He replied that we just connected on so many levels. I agree. We did. But I just can’t get over my mental obstacles. I enjoy his company, and I enjoy the sex, but I am not attracted to him. I know he was having doubts about being with his fiancee as he had complained about her being very immature. That conversation came out of nowhere and it caught me off-guard  So since then I figured that he was probably fishing, looking for an exit. And because we hit it off so great that exit would most likely be me, if I allowed it. But he gathered that I wouldn't. I told him that it was too bad he was taken, and he responded saying that it was too bad I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship. I had this conversation with him before. I explained that I was at a point in my life where I was experiencing my own Renaissance and for me to attach myself to any one man at this stage would probably hinder my growth. I like how my life is evolving and I enjoy each and every one of my relationships, familial or platonic. An exclusive romantic relationship would impede the newfound growth and freedom of expression that I have. For the first time in my life, I can say I am happy being by myself. All I want is some good company and some good dick for now. And I found that in him. But if these feelings persist, I must desist.

Valentine Schmalentine

Valentines Day? [face palm]. I love love. Love clearly doesn't love me. As cynical as I sound, I am not at all repulsed to the idea of people celebrating love. Love is a beautiful thing and ought to be celebrated. I am just disgusted by the cheesy commercialized feeling which Valentine’s Day represents, and share the opinion of the nauseated that it ought to be called National Single Awareness Day.

If you have been following my story, Valentine’s Day has been a difficult day for me. It was the day when I agreed to marry the man. It was the day I did so. It was the day that went uncelebrated years later because other things were more important than I was. After we broke up, it was the day that I looked forward to spending with whomever was in my life at the time. Sadly, whomever was in my life did not see the day fit to spend with me. I remember the anxiety I felt leading up to the day. Worrying that I would not receive so much as a phone call, and acknowledgment. Even though the Latino I was seeing last year did call me, I felt it was the middle of the end for us. The year before, the Craigslist Guy, who has done guest appearances recently, called things off right before so we did not even get to that point. The depression I felt was just awful. I really did not feel like myself and it took months for me to snap out of it.

This year is so different. I actually have a pick of men I could spend the day with, if I chose to. But I choose not to. It’s just a day.   I do not want attention, affection, and love on just one day. I want him to prove to me that he loves me every day.  I think I am past the past. I am past needing to feel loved. I am past the stereotypical romance, wining and dining, and yes, even the sex.  I love me. And I worry that I will never find another man who can love me more than me. Another man who I could love more than myself.

At this point in time, I am taking each and every relationship I have at face value, appreciating what positive aspects each of them have to offer, and nurturing the ones that seem to have long term potential. What is a day with red, hearts, candy, and all the activities that are supposed to follow? I won’t allow it to turn me into Desperate Debbie and define me and how I feel about my worthiness of real love. And I hope if you are single, you won’t too.