Panic Driven Relationships

It's media headlines like this and this that sometimes send me in a panicked frenzy, contemplating getting back with undesirable exes or initiating relationships with men whom I would never consider on a regular day.

I read a headline on my favorite blog, madamenoire.com entitled: Black, Single & Sad? In essence, what I took away from it is that even though black women are statistically inclined to being single, we should not lower our bar just because the available options are not to our standards.

OK, sound advice. What about the happy part? The comments that followed somewhat drove me into ambivalence. I see some women saying that most good black men are gay. I think it is a rather broad brush to paint our men with and I feel a sense of denial too when I read that. I see other women saying that they were happy to be single and waiting for the right one to come to them. Having a positive attitude rocks! But what about when you hit your mid 30's then 40's? Suppose you have been waiting to have kids but Mr. Right never comes around?

I think that fear was what drove me to get married when I did at 21. I can't say that the fear is unique to African American women, but our pickings are very slim. I am happy I produced two healthy children from our union. But here I am, not quite back at square one, but without a partner to grow old with.

I miss a few things about being "spoken for":

• Date night
• Help around the house with the heavy jobs
• Sharing decision making in the household
• Feeling protected
• Feeling that special kind of romantic love

Here is what I enjoy about my newfound single life:

• Sleeping in my own spacious bed sans snoring
• No arguing
• The freedom to come and go as I please
• No arguing
• The freedom to cook as much or little as I please
• No arguing
• One less person to clean up after
• No arguing
• The freedom to see whoever I please.
• No arguing

I cannot say one is better than the other. I enjoyed a dual income household and now I am in a financial hellhole because of the loss of another income (which was significantly greater than mine). Some days, like when I read articles with negative headlines, I feel like giving my STBE husband some space and then when he resurfaces actually going to some counselling sessions and then slowly move him back in. I am not totally delirious. I know a leopard cannot change its spots. (Jer 13:23) Other days I just say fuck you and fuck him too!

Que sera, sera.

Doing Me?

So I am supposed to be on this revolutionary course of just doing me. But what exactly does doing me entail? I have had goals throughout my life. I have accomplished quite a few. I am a long way from accomplishing others. But doing me is just that: working on me and accomplishing the goals I set out for myself. Old ones and new ones.

I do not believe in new year resolutions. If anything, I only resolve not to make resolutions. I just decide on doing things and hopefully get them done whether it is May or November.

• On November 1st 2010 I decided to tackle my weight problem and get healthier. I did not go on some radical diet or workout for 6 hours a day. I just cut back portions, stopped drinking juices, and did at least 3 days of exercise each week. So far my weight loss is at 20 pounds. Could have been more but this went on right through eating season... Thanksgiving to New Year (and then some) ...lol. I feel great though, lots more stamina, and my blood pressure is stabilizing. (somewhat)

• I want to be a better mom to my kids. I take care of them well enough, make sure they have had enough to eat, clean clothes to wear, a continued educational experience. But I still want to do more. I want them to have a stable home with the absence of their father, and in order to do that I need a stable me.

• I want to be a better person. I want to be kinder, laugh more, happier.

• I want to get in touch with my spiritual side. I am a believer in Christ and I want to put his principles to practice in my everyday life.

• I want to place a higher value on my worth. In order to do this I realize that there are some people in my life who take advantage of me and make me their option while I have been making them my priority. I want to root these people out of my life.

• This takes me to my sex life. I am a very passionate person. I have a high libido. I am what some would consider a nympho or a freak. I have an addiction to physical pleasure. In my pursuit to fulfill my own desires I have encountered some rather unpleasant situations. I mentioned two in my first post: my high school ex and my married on again off again lover. The sex is what keeps me coming back to both but neither of them want to incorporate me into their lives. My ex is still single but mingling and the married dude is very married. I have no desire to wreck a happy home and to be truthful I have no desire to be with him. My H.S. ex is the same. I love him but we just cannot be together for a number of reasons. One of these days I will get into it. But we love our familiar evils don't we?
  Anyhow, I recognize that my willingness to play the roles they want me to play is shortchanging me and preventing me from gaining what I possibly can out there in the world: a genuine, mutually beneficial relationship. I have recently decided to become celibate. I know this is going to be a tough one for me. The maximum I have EVER been able to do was 2 months. Let's see whether I fall off the wagon or not!

The First Word

I had to do this blog. I began a new journey back in August as a single mother. Well, I was always a married single mom given the continued absence of my spouse, even if he was physically present. Yes I am still married but the STBE is no longer in the picture. I won't go into details as to what exactly took place but it was a long time coming. I am too jaded to go into my past. I guess that bit by bit the puzzle of my life will fit together.

What I will tell you now is this:

• I am raising two small children by myself.
• I am broke and underemployed....damn recession!
• My husband wants to come back to me in the future.
• I do not want him to come back, ever.
• I have been dating, just for the hell of it.
• I have a lover (my high school sweetheart) and another I see on occasion (a married man of political importance whom I have been seeing off an on for a decade).
• I am not looking for a committed relationship but I want to be loved.
• My life is complicated, and I am a mess.

Welcome!