Sunday, March 25, 2012

Adventures in dating

I've been so busy! Work, my business, and my volunteering have kinda slowed down my sexcapades. Not much to report other than the fact that I have met so many men recently, both online and offline. Many of them fine as ever with decent jobs or going places in life. I'm happy to report that I've actually stood in a room with many handsome black men in suits. Went to an alumni event and dragged my girlfriend with me for company. Being that I went to a 92% white college I did not realize until then that I went to school with so many black hunks! As a matter of fact they were well represented at the event. Didn't see too many sisters so the pickings were great for me and my girlfriend. I caught up with a couple of the cuties, one of which I had a crush on back in the day. He was feeling me too but we drifted odd into different circles and never really kept in touch much. As a matter of fact, he was very good friends with my college boo...

Speaking of the college boo, I had the most pleasant surprise of my life. Guess who was checking out my online profile one weekend? Yup. Turns out the bugger is single and wanting to mingle too. Too bad he lives so far away. I texted him right away when I got the notification and we both had a good laugh. I told him that he needed to move back in-state. He said that was what all his friends kept on telling him. He said he was coming back next month and I asked if he would like to get a drink and catch up when he did to which he replied, "of course!". It's great that we are still amiable, we were friends for a very long time before we were ever intimate and I will forever cherish that, but I have a feeling that is all we'll ever be as the circumstances are just never right for us. And, I believe most of all that if this man really was sure that he wanted to be with me, he would have moved mountains, as I would have for him.

 Thinking back to all the the conversations I had at the alumni networking event, I realized that no matter how together the brothers seem nowadays, most are just too scared to actually allow themselves to fall for a woman. The ones who were actually married were another thing. They all had roving eyes. One of the guys I was talking to was happily married and happily checking out my friend. I've also ran into a few of my married friends out in the clubs a few times, never with their wives, and usually grinding on some girl or checking them out. So this leads me to monogamy dead?

One thing's for sure, this woman is absolutely not ready to get with anyone like that. If it's anything the Hombre taught me was that although two people may be great together, if the circumstances aren't right then there is no way it can work. I am enjoying my freedom. I am enjoying meeting new men. I am enjoying me. I met a man a while back, and he is very vanilla. He lives in the same town as I do. Has a steady job that pays decent. And seems to be an overall great guy. We met for the first time last night and I enjoyed it. So much so that they closed with us still sitting there chatting. LOL! He wanted to go somewhere after but I was exhausted and it was late. I don't know why I went on that date. He did mention to me that he only dated black women. Usually I'd shun a man who said that because I don't want to be anyone's fetish fix. However, when I learned that he'd actually been married twice, both to black women (one died, the other he divorced), I was more open to meeting him. So everything went well and we have a second date, but now I'm reconsidering it because he told me that he's looking for a wife. I did explain to him that right now I was not looking for a relationship of that nature. I was looking for a friend to be there for me, an activity partner, and someone I could get intimate with every now and then when nature calls. Already I am just feeling that anxiety return. The same anxiety I had when the Hombre and I were getting too serious, too fast. He's already checking my availability, trying to see how often we can spend time with each other. Since he lives in town, I suppose at least once a week would be fine, depending on where he wants this to go. I'm fine with a date here and there, a sexy romp in the bed, but to actually let someone in my heart again, I will admit it's a freaking scary thought for me. And even more scary is the Aquarian.

I still am keeping him at bay. He calls and texts almost everyday. Recently we got into it because I decided I just did not feel like speaking to him for a couple days. His response to that was that the next time around he would like a swift response. I asked him if I owed him money or something. I just don't like how he is getting a bit too comfortable with me, as if we were together. I tell him time and time again that I don't want to be in a relationship. He says he understand yet he will say some off the wall shit. I know I like him enough to have sex with him and party, but he is not the one for me. He makes comments like he wants us to have a child together in the next five years because we'll both still be young enough for at least one more. Recently he even told him that he loved me. I get the feeling that I'm gonna have to cut him off with a swiftness even though deep inside it hurts because I do like the man.

So, I'm back to square one. Me, myself, and I.  I got money on my mind right now and I am working hard to start a business that will hopefully become successful in the future. Men, I realize, are readily available. The good ones, are not. I trust in the universe that he will come to me, when I least expect it too. But for now, I will enjoy the cocktail of men who are available. I will continue to sharpen my senses so that I can smell bullshit from a mile away and deepen my awareness as to what I am looking for and what I am trying to avoid.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Returning To Stasis

So, The Hombre and I officially parted ways just about 2 weeks ago. I was incredibly sad but at the same time relieved! I just couldn't understand why I would feel like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders when a man I had real feelings for, probably the first man outside of my high school ex that I ever felt this way about, had basically agreed to stop seeing  me. He and I split up the Monday, and my cousin told me that by Friday I would forget about him. And she was right. Well, not all the way right because I still think about him from time to time. But I don't feel as sad anymore because The Aquarian was right there to wipe away the tears, from my heart that is.

Now, please don't get it twisted. I am not and do not hope to pursue a relationship with this guy, ever. But the thing is, he was just there. I had my truck in the shop doing what I thought was an hour repair. Turned out to be about 6 hours. I had to have my cousin pick me up so I could borrow her SUV. I dropped her to work and went about my business. By the time the shop had called me saying my SUV was ready I had gone through my phone book, trying to find a friend who was available to drive my vehicle from the shop to my cousin's workplace. Guess who was the last resort?

He was very willing. I picked him up in front of his office and we caught up with each other on the way to the garage. There were a lot of things left unsaid between us. I got a lot off my chest. Most of the things I've held against him for the past 6 plus months turned out to just be my insecurities running amok. He let me have it and I felt like shit for not giving this man the time of day and assuming the worst at all times. You may or may not remember that in the beginning we had expressed to each other that we wanted an open relationship. The only condition was that one was to let the other know what was going on. It proved too much for me so I ended it. But, since then he has not stopped reaching out, calling, texting, even when I ignored him. And now, I needed a friend and he was the first responder. I bought him a drink afterwards, at a strip club nonetheless. At that point of the evening I was in a vulnerable state. Me and the Hombre had just broken it off like two hours before and my emotions were still reeling. But the old adage that says the best way to get over one man was with another rang true. I made a date with him for that Friday.

It's wintertime, and I really prefer staying in most of the time, and it had been raining all day so that made matters even worse. But the rain makes me oh so horny and I was ready. The moment he walked through the door and saw me, he declared that we were going to have to skip over business and move right on to pleasure. I did not mind. I needed a release. I needed a climax and then eventual return to stasis. My emotions had been going crazy ever since I started dating the Hombre and I just wanted to feel balanced  and find my equilibrium again. And so I found it, in his pants...among other locations.

I had music playing, and this man did something to me that no other man had ever done with me behind closed doors. He took me in his arms and danced with me as if we were on a dance floor with an audience around us.  We're both freaks so the usual married folks sex just doesn't cut it for us, but somehow the usual was just unusual that night. I don't even want to share the details of what took place after but I will say that his exact words were: "we're making love now...". I don't know how many times I came, but he sorted me out good and proper, and we did not even get to try some of the things we'd been planning to.

 Usually I'd be watching the clock and anxious to kick him out but that night when he drifted off to sleep I allowed him to rest. I did not rest though. There is just something about sharing my bed with a man that irks me, even from when I was with my husband. I love having the comfort of a warm body next to mine, but I guess the constant awareness of another person keeps me awake. Not to mention the snoring. He left early the following morning.

Even after the man had announced to me that he wanted me to be his wifie and have his son, I still know in my heart that even if I do feel something for him, it would never be enough to make me want to give myself to him fully. For now, I will just enjoy what we have: a booty call with the benefit of a friendship. He's there when I need him, and that is all that matters to me for now. As for my pursuit of a real relationship, I have not given up. I'm not anxious to bedding anyone right now but I remain open to meeting new people.