WINNING!!! But Feeling Lost...

Homegirl is WINNING!!! Winning what exactly? Respect, admiration, and favor from the Boss Man. So this man and I have gotten closer in the past few weeks.  Much closer. Shortly after Thanksgiving, he entrusted me with the responsibility of coordinating a community event for the holidays.  I was flattered that he had considered me for the job and determined that this was an opportunity to showcase my talents as a super organized multitasker and event planner.  I was already used to planning small events in my circle, but never such as large scale.  I drafted letters soliciting donations from various businesses and thanks to my effective persuasive writing, I pulled in thousands for our event.  I was also able to secure entertainment of all kinds. I checked in with him, the Boss Man, on a daily basis, updating him on my progress and just happened to get a lot of one on one time with him as a result. We spent hours running errands together, making purchases and preparing for the big event.

Finally the day came where all my hard work would be revealed, and the result would be happy patrons, staff, and a happier Boss Man. The night after the event, we were doing some errands together, and he let me know then that he was very pleased with my work and told me that I did a very nice job and that he was pleasantly surprised. He even went as far as making a public acknowledgement of his gratitude in the cybersphere, referring to me as “tireless”. A testament to my hardworking character.  He also promised to take me shopping for a new phone as soon as time allowed, as my phone is currently on life support with its cracked screen and general wear and tear.

So, he says to me that I have become very useful and started making plans for us next year. I cut him off right there and tell him that I did not know about any next year. He playfully replied that he would simply find a replacement since I already laid out the foundation. We both knew that I was bullshitting about next year, and he was bullshitting about finding a replacement.  After all this, I am beginning to see that we really do work well together. I compliment him in areas he is lacking, and vice versa. He calls me whenever he wants an opinion or just needs to vent.  He’s been around the kids a lot more than before, in a VERY platonic manner of course, and it is kinda cute to see that awkward look on his face when he gets bombarded by little girls. Above all, we just vibe naturally. I feel a genuine friendship mixed with a strong attraction. I feel myself liking him more than I should.  I know that I could never fully have him.  He is a community man.  He is so preoccupied with giving to the community and putting on events that he can easily neglect those closest to him.  I know that no matter how close we become, or even if we were to become an official couple, I will never be first on his list of priorities. I know I could never truly be happy with him.

So now I am stuck with the decision of whether or not I want to continue like this with him. I feel myself wanting to withdraw. I want some time to pass between us before our next conversation so that when we do speak again, it would be like speaking to an acquaintance. But I know that this will not happen. I feel like somewhere, I have cemented myself in his thoughts, and maybe even his heart. It is evident in the way he looks at me, speaks to me, touches me, and calls me boo. I am lost.

blkmsm@gmail.com

The Greatest Lust Of All

I met this man on May 24, 2012 in a committee meeting I had attended. I sat across the table in the boardroom looking at his fine, sexy ass and thinking to myself right then and there that he could definitely get it. I did not think much of him other than the fact that I thought he was attractive and so I added him on Facebook when I saw his name pop up the following morning. We chatted briefly, about business, and I did not talk to him again until a few weeks later. It was all business then too. I did not speak to him at all for weeks at a time. I was busy with Splenda Daddy and The African so I really had no thought or desire to pursue anything, then all that turned around after he started reaching out to me.

I saw him again at another committee meeting. We did not speak then. It was the following morning when he contacted me on Facebook. We talked all business the Friday morning. Then business turned into casual, lighthearted messages. Then I began to work my wit as I enjoyed his humor. I went out that Friday night and had a wild night out with the girlfriends. I posted about it the following morning on Facebook then he surprisingly messaged me and asked me if I had a good time partying. The messages eventually became flirtatious and so I left him hanging. The conversations grew more and more as the weeks went by, with him asking me what my story was. I told him that he would need a kindle for my story. He insisted he was interested in knowing why I was single. I told him. Eventually I would learn his story too. Our conversations grew intense until I found myself inviting him into my bed one morning, but then reneging. He said I was a tease. I knew I was. He said he was patient. He would not have to be patient for long because by the end of July he was in my bed making me cum.

I told him he was in trouble because he would have to keep servicing me forever. We had sex twice after the first time within the space of two months. I wanted him, badly. But he was always so goddamn busy. He is a businessman, into entertainment and everything else he could get his hands on. Also, he holds a regular job, one he is been in for twenty years, as an IT Tech. The man is significantly older than I am. Found out for sure that he was 54 although he lied and told me he was 47. Regardless, he looks 15 years younger and has the vigor of a 30 year old man. I am infatuated with him. I have an overall admiration of his personality, and a deep sexual attraction that could only be compared to that of my high school ex. Our conversations can go on forever. Hours at a time granted we both have the time. Everything just flows so easily with him. Whether we're talking about business or pleasure, we always have pleasant conversations. In the 7 months I have known him, we have never had an argument. Disagreed, yes. But never argued. I have decided that I am never letting him go, and that I can never or will never be his woman.

He is a man who has professed to love his own space, and being able to move about as he pleases. I share the same sentiment in my relatively new singledom. Yet still, he has expressed a desire to enter a relationship as long as it was not restrictive. But the thought of us being together like that is distant for me. The main reason I would imagine is that he has a son who is a few months younger than I am. His very first of 3. He has introduced me to the other two who are significantly younger than the first, and by a different mother. I know that us being together would present some awkwardness where that was concerned. Also, we know many people in the same social circuit here, and I am absolutely certain that we would garner some rather suspicious looks if we were to come out officially as a couple. The main reason I know I could never be with him is the fact that I know I would never be happy. Yes, being financially comfortable would be a plus, and the lifestyle it would afford, but I will never truly have him to myself as he is someone who is constantly busy,and always giving his time and service to others.

I've decided that I want him in my life, permanently. Be it business, friendship, or as a lover, all three of which he is right now. He is a valuable asset and I would be a fool to let him go. Heck, because of him I began hosting an adult talk show at the radio station that he is part owner of. He has become my mentor of sorts, showing me the tools of the business, introducing me to new ideas, enabling me to meet people I would have never had the opportunity to.

I keep my feelings very guarded around him, and to some extent he does too, but it is highly evident that he appreciates me as he compliments me on my appearance or something work related he asked me to do and was pleased about. His confidence in my abilities has grown over the months to the point that he has asked me to coordinate major events. He has said to me that I keep impressing him more and more. And I intend to.

But business aside, I keep coming back to that carnal place where I want to devour him. I want to taste him, smell him, feel him. Over the weekend I reached my peak and decided that after our 3 months sex hiatus it was time for me to seduce him properly. He had been busy with a couple of shows he was promoting and running a new night club he got into, and all that time my needs have gone unmet, by him that is. I have been dating otherwise and getting it in, just not with him. No, just because I am in lust with the man doesn't mean I plan to shut it down just for him. I am sure he has gotten a piece here and there from someone else too. It does not bother me in the least, I just want to know that I have my sexy time on lock with him.

So I did what I did best and I got him in my bed and we stared into each other's eyes the entire time. I did not kiss him. He kissed me and played with my nipples in his mouth as he glided in and out of my very moist cavern. What it felt like, words can't describe, but we both came. He made mention of my trembling body,a sure sign that he had pleased me exactly like I needed him to. When he was leaving, I retreated into my shell of apathy, exuding nothing but a false appearance of a lack of desire for him, when inside I was burning with lust. I told him thank you for the sex and prepared to walk him to the door when he gave me that WTF look. He pulled me close to him, hugged me, and kissed me on the lips. I closed my eyes, but made sure I did not linger too long. What that meant, I don't know, but I have to wonder what must be going through his mind when he gave me that look.

He has said to me more than once that he was to be cherished and anyone who wanted his dick had to work hard for it. I've done quite an awesome job at making him feel like a piece of meat at times. The time before this when we had sex, I did not call him for two weeks. I texted very brief business related messages, but nothing flirtatious or intimate. Finally, two weeks later he caved and called me to say that I basically fucked him then avoided him. This time is no different. He was the first to call, and each time I have kept it short and business-like. I sense he craves intimacy, but I refuse to give it to a man I have to share. He wants me to inflate his ego and tell him how good he was last night, but I refuse to.

I don't know if I will ever drop my guard with him but I suppose it will depend on how much he drops with me. Until then, I will continue to enjoy what we have now, for as long as it keeps on going.We see each other at least once a week or every other week, and we are in touch on a regular basis. He sometimes stops by my house for whatever reason, and is acquainted with the kids, as my friend of course. I also have spent time with him at his place, and in a platonic manner also. We will see how far our relationship evolves, but I have a feeling that we only have much closer to get in the future. It is not very often that you meet someone who you are mutually attracted to, who shares the same values as you do, who you work so well with, and is so damn good in bed!

 By the way, he is WAY sexier than the man in the stock photo shown here.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Back to Africa

Some things never go away. The cockroach, the most disgusting pest of all time is over 200 million years old.  It has survived many natural and man made catastrophes to remain one of the most disgusting and annoying pests of all time. Not even dinosaurs, the dodo bird, and many other species of animals shared the same luck. Now, men can be equated to the cockroach. Some of them. Add some of them men I have dated in this list. The Aquarian can be one. And the African the other. Let's talk about the African though.

This man had disappeared into the unknown abyss after I told him in November of 2011 that I was depressed and I did not want to date him or anyone at that time. He agreed to grant me my space. He did so until June when he started calling me again. I was a lot happier than the last time we spoke and more agreeable to seeing him, and maybe seriously considering him for a potential boyfriend.

We went out and caught up a few times, and I began to discover little by little that he could grow on me. So one night he came over and we got physical. BTW I never had sex with him the first time around. It was OK but I would have enjoyed it more if he weren't as aggressive on my girls and he lasted longer. Gave him 2 more shots within the space of 3 months and I was equally disappointed. I eventually limited my calls to him. I was going through a difficult time in my life with my family and he did not make any attempts to call or see me. I confronted him about it after a month and a half and he claimed that he gathered that I needed space so he was giving it to me. I told him that he was way off base as I said nothing to him indicating such, so he should not make assumptions for me. Not to mention the growing awareness of his arrogance.

He was condescending, stuck up, and selfish. I checked him one day about his tone in an email he sent me. He apologized and I said nothing more. Our last argument was over him coming to see me before he leaves for his month long trip abroad. I told him I was available on one single day, a day he claimed he could not make available for me. I said fine. He then texted back to indicate that he had cleared his schedule and was available to see me after all. I said OK. I texted a couple of days before that I would not be able to get physical with him as I was on the rag. He was understandably disappointed but it was what happened after that pissed me the hell off.

He asked me what I suggested we do. I replied
"it's up to you hun."
He then asks why it was just up to him and if I wanted to see him, yes or no. I replied that we already had plans to make dinner together and watch football so I did not see the reason for him asking me for suggestions about what to do. He then claimed that he sensed an attitude. I said that if by attitude he meant my growing annoyance then yes, I was annoyed by his question. He then asked me to explain why and I did, mentioning the fact that I was on a short fuse because, yes, it's that time of the month. He then replied that it wasn't his fault I was on a short fuse so I shouldn't DARE do that with him! I was horrified at the response and decided right then and there that it was over.

I wanted to do it face to face, not on the phone or via text or email like most cowards these days do. Unfortunately, he has not made any time to see me before his trip and I will not be calling him, so when he returns next year he will find that I will be refusing his calls/texts/emails.

On to the next one!


blkmsm@gmail.com

Pure Splenda..No Sugar..SMDH!!!

So this guy had called me a few times. We chatted, we Skyped. He lived in a major city out of state, about 90 minutes north of me. I felt a connection growing with him. More of a friendship than anything. I liked that he was a positive man, with a renewing energy. The more I learnt about him, the more I liked him. Then the more I REALLY learnt is the more that he became disgusting and I began to despise him.

So anyhow, I met him in March I think from one of the premium dating sites I was on. I did not give him much play because:

1. He was black and I was and probably still am so over black men.
2. He was not attractive. He had a big bald head. He was skinny. And his teeth were running away from each other. OK, I exaggerate now because I cant stand his guts. But the brunt of what I am saying is that I was not attracted.
3. He lived too far away to develop something meaningful.

Anyway, a few messages back and forth resulted in me giving him my digits to text. I responded in short sentences and never texted him first. He always texted first. Usually with something along the lines of him not hearing for me and I should express equal interest in him to level the playing field somewhat. I did not. Weeks went by before I heard from him. He texted the day after my birthday when I was in bed at 2 in the afternoon sans hangover. I was just miserable and depressed. The night before, my girlfriends took me to dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant then dragged me to my favorite nightclub. I was miserable. I enjoyedbeign with my girls but I just wanted to go home and cry. By 1 am I decided I had enough and was ready to go. My girls pleaded with me to stay even afer my favorite song was being played. I couldn't. I stood out in the cold with the bouncer, this BIG black man who always steals a hug from me when I go there. Finally we left and I went in my bed. I slept and I cried. Then he called.

We talked for hours. His advice was refreshing and renewing and I felt like I could suddenly take on the world. We started talking more frequently until we decided a few weeks later to meet up. I was to go spend the night with him at his home. I decided to ride the bus instead of driving and so he picked me up at the station and we spent the night together at this restaurant. I thought we would have gone out and done something more fun but that did not happen. Instead, we went to his house and after I showered he was on top of me. I had no idea we would have wound up having sex but we did and he was blessed with an amazing dick. So huge I bled. He freaked out a bit about hurting me but I explained to him that it was ok and persuaded him to give me another round the following morning. That was the last time we fucked. I noticed shortly after that, that he would not kiss me on the lips. After that it was nothing but me giving him oral transactions, which I absolutely enjoy doing, but he was being selfish with his very nice schlong. He knew it too and asked if I believe he was selfish in bed. To that I replied "if you had to ask, you probably already know."

When confronted, he revealed to me that his life was too busy to complicate it with a relationship, which was why he did not want to kiss me, as if I would magically fall in love after (*rolls eyes*) and he would much rather be a benefactor and a recipient of pleasure. In essence, he said he wanted to be my sugar daddy. I was OK with it because to be honest, I decided that I did not want to get tied down in a relationship and I was on the prowl for some meat. So hey, if I am gonna put out I may as well benefit from it. Yes, I know it sounds hoish but I really didn't care. I have much less respect for women who engage in sex with multiple partners without benefiting. It may not be financial, but it has been a long held belief of mine that every woman should gain something from a relationship besides a nut. . 

So everything was going well. He got a new position at a firm here in my city and so he would spend the week in a suite then travel back home on Fridays. He would send me gift cards here and there. None greater than $25 for fucks sake! Then he asked me to send him a list of things I like. I didn't. He repeatedly requested that I did. And so I sent him a list. I am not a high maintenance woman, but I do like nice things. One of them was a Coach bag. I am a shameless Coach fiend. He was appalled at the cost of one bag, then asked about the cost of a wallet. I told him about $100. He nearly passed out. That turned me off right away. If a guy like him making over $100 G's a year could not gift me a Coach bag, something he asked to do, then no sir, he is not the one.

I tried to ride on the sugar train for as long as I could, meeting him for dinner and drinks at his suite then finishing him off with one of my trademark blowjobs. The little gifts kept coming but nothing on the list he asked me for. Finally one day I decided to up the ante. There was a dress I wanted to wear on stage at this major event I was on the committee for. It was a $90 Jessica Simpson dress at Macy's. $90 for crying out loud! I could have bought that with my own money if I wanted to. I went over there, did what I did best, then did not even hang around long enough for his cum to dry. I asked him for the money and he complained that he did not get a chance to go to the ATM. He pulled out $60 out his wallet. I was angry but at the same time, I was glad because now I realized that I HAD to get rid of his ass. Not to mention that I was working with a fine piece of meat that I had recently sampled and wanted desperately to go back for more. I took his $60 and spent $20 on an equally beautiful dress from my girlfriend's Ebay store.

I have not seen him since then. That was early August. He has texted me a few times but I told him I was going through some family drama, which I was. He texted a couple weeks ago asking if I wanted a roomate. I have not responded. Fuck him and his Splenda Daddy ass. If I am going to enter into an arrangement to please a man for compensation, he should come correctly. 100% PURE SUGAR, not the fake crap!

blkmsm@gmail.com

The Vanilla Experience - Pt 2

A few weeks after The Hombre and I had broken it off I joined a premium dating site. Things were slow for a while but then I met a few men there. I went out with 3 Vanilla men after joining that site. All of them were just, wrong. I already told you about one pathetic dude. I went out with 2 more after him.

One of them, he was Jewish, was pretty young. And when I say young I mean my age but maybe ten years younger in maturity. I look back and wonder why the hell I went out with him in the first place. Oh yeah, I was sorry for him.

He was a pretty nice guy. Too nice. He was the kind of guy who you could walk all over easily and smile because of such. I met him right around the time that I was preparing to launch my business. He would constantly seek my approval from the way he was dressed to the way he wore his facial hair.

So after him pleading with me for weeks I finally agreed to meet him at this Mexican restaurant. The conversation was awkward, but I rode through it and made the best of it. Then it so happens that I had my party and was down in the dumps so I did not speak to him for days. When I finally responded to his message, he writes me back to say that he did not like how I ignored him and took that long to get back to him. Right then and there I nipped it in the bud. I explained to him that I was not obligated to him and I had a lot of things on my plate. I told him at that point that I was not interested in seeing him and if he could not just be a friend then he needed to stop all communication with me and move on. He did. And so did I.


Meanwhile, there was another Vanilla dude lurking in the background. He lives in the same town as I do and for that reason I never gave him the time of day. My girl begged me to go out with him. "White is right!" she said. She was also seeing a white guy who treats her like gold, but she was not attracted to him and so she remained platonic with him. I explained to her that I could not do that - string a guy along who I know I was not attracted to on some level. But anyway, we were both tired of the shit we were getting from the brothers so I reluctantly agreed to go out on a date with him. We went out the Saturday night after my birthday. We caught a late night movie, which was very good, but very tense as he revealed something important to me on the way there.

I had known before hand that he had kids. I actually prefer dating single fathers because they understand that the kids come first, and they won't pressure em to have anymore kids. I knew the boys lived with him, but I thought he had joint custody with the mom. So I asked him that night where the kids were. He said they were home and then I asked who was watching them. That was when he told me the dreadful. He claimed that he wanted to tell me after we got to know each other better and did not think it would come up so soon, but the kids mother lived with him.

"What do you mean she lives with you???"

He explained that the mother was out of work and in school, and was living with her parents. Her father happened to be bi-polar, and so out of concern for his kids and ease of convenience he decided to have her stay there until she got back on her feet.

"When exactly will that be?"

He did not know. I was blown away. How the hell could he leave out something as important as that and hope it came up after we got to know each other? Who the hell did he think he was messing with? I was determined to enjoy the movie. As to whether or not I would see him again, that was very uncertain. We watched the movie in awkward silence. He dropped me off and did not so much as give me a hug or watch me go inside. The following day he texted that he wanted to see me again and he would like a picture. What I was thinking, I don't know, but I sent him a photo of me and two other girlfriends from my birthday dinner. I did not want him to have one of just me. He was impressed and expressed such sentiments. I did not engage in anymore conversation with him after that.


Two days after I got a call from the same girlfriend who encouraged me to go out with him. Miss White is Frikking Right! LOL! She asked me if his name was...Eric. I said yes. She asked if he had two boys, one named so and so around such and such age. "Yes....where is this going?"

"OMG!! I know him!!"

"What?!"

She explained that she used to work with his girlfriend/ex/whatever...and all of a sudden this chick is hitting her up on FB saying they need to get together and go for a drink. BTW, to my understanding this girl never drinks or parties. And she never hits my girl up on FB so it was just tooo coincidental that as soon as I start going out with her babyfather she hits my girl up. How did she make the connection? She must have been snooping through his phone and saw the photo. So what to do? My girl and I both agreed that I should leave well enough alone and end it. Whether he was with her or not wasn't the issue. The issue was that she was still obviously jealous of him and I did not want to get into any love triangle.

So I called him and asked him to meet up at a Starbucks nearby. Public places were my friend for these kind of situations. So I explained to him that I thought it over and I was not comfortable seeing him under the current circumstances. He remained resolute that he and his kids mother were not together romantically and it wouldn't be an issue. He was saying the same thing over and over when I had to drop the bomb on him even though my girlfriend begged him not to. After asking him if she checks his phone which he vehemently denied, I let him know what I found out. He was shocked and angry. I told him I did not want to cause trouble in his home but I just wanted him to know and understand why I don't want to see him. It ended with both of us going our separate ways. I saw him once after that at the gas station. The conversation was awkward, at least on his end. He looked hella uncomfortable.

So after all that mess, I decided to close my online accounts and do away with online dating. I had grown tired of all the retards I was picking up. But before I closed them I had managed to make contact with a man whom I kept at bay. I only spoke to him whenever he called. Texted whenever he texted. He would beg me to keep in touch with him more but I let him know that I was not going to pursue any man and if he wanted me he needed to come after me. He did. The same day before I went out on that movie date with Eric, he called me and basically helped pull me out of my depression. My interest in him was suddenly piqued after I was done Vanilla dating.


blkmsm@gmail.com

From Motivation to Depression

So when I dismissed Vanilla Ice, I was in a phase where I was feeling extremely motivated and ready to go conquer the world. Prior to him I was down in the dumps after my break up with the Puerto Rican man I was seeing. Men had become less of a priority for me as I had the Aquarian at my leisure, and making money was my primary focus. Speaking of the Aquarian, he had turned me out the week before my birthday.  So, I started a toy party company, something I had wanted to do for some time. This line of work was perfect for me as many of my friends put it because of my deep fascination for sex and all things sex related. I was pumped. I was psyched. I was ready to take on the world.

I hosted my launch party. It was lovely, well put together, well attended. How much did homegirl make? Zip. Zero. Nada. I had tears in my eyes.I was so depressed, thinking of my financial loss after all my efforts. I was so miserable I resorted to sex as a comfort measure. I called the last guy I would ever see myself fucking - the Promoter Guy. We met some time ago, about 7 months prior, at his event that I had covered. Since then he had been trying to pursue me, but he was young and rolled with a kind of crowd I would be caught dead hanging out with. Not to mention that the city was too small and I did not want to be seen with a man of his repertoire  But I was hurting, and there was only one thing that could tide me over. Some good old fashioned dick.
 I reluctantly invited him over. I was drunk out of my mind, as I had been drinking all night. We went at it but I was so turned off by him because all he kept talking about was a threesome with me and my girlfriend. Gross! I couldn't wait to get him out of my house. I immediately hit the shower at 5am and scrubbed his essence off my skin and threw my sheets in the wash. I just couldn't stomach the thought of what I'd done.I decided then and there that I'd never make my emotions cause me to sleep with someone I'd be caught dead with in daylight. And it's not like The Promoter Guy was ugly. He was a man of means. He was also in law school. A real ambitious business minded brother, just involved with the wrong crowd. The fast life entertainer type. Money and bitches is all these men have on their minds. I told him that and his response was that he was not every man, and every man was not him. He may be right. I have heard good things about him on the streets from more than one individual. I have since remained friends with him. He calls me occasionally asking to see me again but I ignore his requests.

I went into a deep depression after that. By the time my birthday rolled around a week later I was in such a funk. My girlfriends dragged me out the house and took me to an upscale restaurant and then we hit up one of my favorite clubs after. I was not feeling it. I just wanted to go. It wasn't even 1AM and I was ready to go. I stood outside in the cold and my friends begged me to come back in but I wasn't having it. Usually, we would shut the club down. ALWAYS. But this one time, I just couldn't stand to be around so many people. I was just wallowing in my own misery, and I knew my friends were well meaning but I wanted them to leave me the hell alone.

I went home that night, and woke up sober. That was the first birthday in a while that I did not get drunk. I woke up to a phone call by a man who was courting me online. My mood suddenly shifted.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Segment 1 - The Vanilla Experience Pt. 1

I'm still enjoying the steady cocktail of men. I'm relishing in the attention. I am living it up! But ladies and gentlemen, I am sadly in lust with one. He's significantly older than I am but gawd is he swexy!! I mean, I could just smell his cologne and melt!!! And as much as I don't trust him or his intentions it is becoming clear to me, day by day, that he really does like me too. Enough of him for now, let's talk about the vanilla experience.

So last I mentioned, I went out with this very vanilla man who happened to love the chocolate experience. Nothing wrong with that. But homes was too needy. We had a great first date and went out for a second and it turned to shit. Why? He wanted more of me. To see me frequently just because we happened to live in the same town.

He picks me up with roses in hand two nights after our first date. It was a very sweet gesture. At the poetry jam he was trying to snuggle up close to me but, "dude, we been out on one date. I have not gotten to know you like that so back the eff off!!!" was all I was thinking. All the way home he was bitching about how lonely he felt and jealous he felt of all the other men hugging on their boos, and how if he were black it would have been different. He spent 2 hours in my driveway bitching and moaning about never being able to get a good black women because the good attractive ones like myself were too busy working and the ones that had all the time in the world were lazy and expected to be taken care of.

He was just pathetic. All the whining. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. So I tell him I had to go to bed because I had to work in the morning. I lean in to give him a hug and he starts to kiss me. I was like WTH are you doing?!!! I got out of the car and I told him good night. He replied that yeah I should just go and sped off so hard his tires smoked. I peered around the corner to see if he would crash and die but the sorry bastard didn't.



Oh well. I decided that I did not want to do the vanilla thing again. I love my papis. And the Asians are ok too. But no one got me as well as a black man did...as grimey as they are.

I'm Baaaaack

It's been a long time! So much has happened since. So much I want to forget. So much I regret. And so much I will cherish forever. So where do I begin? Do I tell you about the drama with baby mama? The unpleasant vanilla experiences? The really low one night stand? The wanna be sugar daddy? The one who won't stop texting me? The stank reunion with a past love? The blast from the past who may just end up being the future? My brief stay in the psych ward? HAHAHA! No I was not kidding. *serious face* I'm gonna fill you all in if I could only remember where I left off.


Stay tuned!


blkmsm@gmail.com

Adventures in dating

I've been so busy! Work, my business, and my volunteering have kinda slowed down my sexcapades. Not much to report other than the fact that I have met so many men recently, both online and offline. Many of them fine as ever with decent jobs or going places in life. I'm happy to report that I've actually stood in a room with many handsome black men in suits. Went to an alumni event and dragged my girlfriend with me for company. Being that I went to a 92% white college I did not realize until then that I went to school with so many black hunks! As a matter of fact they were well represented at the event. Didn't see too many sisters so the pickings were great for me and my girlfriend. I caught up with a couple of the cuties, one of which I had a crush on back in the day. He was feeling me too but we drifted odd into different circles and never really kept in touch much. As a matter of fact, he was very good friends with my college boo...

Speaking of the college boo, I had the most pleasant surprise of my life. Guess who was checking out my online profile one weekend? Yup. Turns out the bugger is single and wanting to mingle too. Too bad he lives so far away. I texted him right away when I got the notification and we both had a good laugh. I told him that he needed to move back in-state. He said that was what all his friends kept on telling him. He said he was coming back next month and I asked if he would like to get a drink and catch up when he did to which he replied, "of course!". It's great that we are still amiable, we were friends for a very long time before we were ever intimate and I will forever cherish that, but I have a feeling that is all we'll ever be as the circumstances are just never right for us. And, I believe most of all that if this man really was sure that he wanted to be with me, he would have moved mountains, as I would have for him.

 Thinking back to all the the conversations I had at the alumni networking event, I realized that no matter how together the brothers seem nowadays, most are just too scared to actually allow themselves to fall for a woman. The ones who were actually married were another thing. They all had roving eyes. One of the guys I was talking to was happily married and happily checking out my friend. I've also ran into a few of my married friends out in the clubs a few times, never with their wives, and usually grinding on some girl or checking them out. So this leads me to ask...is monogamy dead?

One thing's for sure, this woman is absolutely not ready to get with anyone like that. If it's anything the Hombre taught me was that although two people may be great together, if the circumstances aren't right then there is no way it can work. I am enjoying my freedom. I am enjoying meeting new men. I am enjoying me. I met a man a while back, and he is very vanilla. He lives in the same town as I do. Has a steady job that pays decent. And seems to be an overall great guy. We met for the first time last night and I enjoyed it. So much so that they closed with us still sitting there chatting. LOL! He wanted to go somewhere after but I was exhausted and it was late. I don't know why I went on that date. He did mention to me that he only dated black women. Usually I'd shun a man who said that because I don't want to be anyone's fetish fix. However, when I learned that he'd actually been married twice, both to black women (one died, the other he divorced), I was more open to meeting him. So everything went well and we have a second date, but now I'm reconsidering it because he told me that he's looking for a wife. I did explain to him that right now I was not looking for a relationship of that nature. I was looking for a friend to be there for me, an activity partner, and someone I could get intimate with every now and then when nature calls. Already I am just feeling that anxiety return. The same anxiety I had when the Hombre and I were getting too serious, too fast. He's already checking my availability, trying to see how often we can spend time with each other. Since he lives in town, I suppose at least once a week would be fine, depending on where he wants this to go. I'm fine with a date here and there, a sexy romp in the bed, but to actually let someone in my heart again, I will admit it's a freaking scary thought for me. And even more scary is the Aquarian.

I still am keeping him at bay. He calls and texts almost everyday. Recently we got into it because I decided I just did not feel like speaking to him for a couple days. His response to that was that the next time around he would like a swift response. I asked him if I owed him money or something. I just don't like how he is getting a bit too comfortable with me, as if we were together. I tell him time and time again that I don't want to be in a relationship. He says he understand yet he will say some off the wall shit. I know I like him enough to have sex with him and party, but he is not the one for me. He makes comments like he wants us to have a child together in the next five years because we'll both still be young enough for at least one more. Recently he even told him that he loved me. I get the feeling that I'm gonna have to cut him off with a swiftness even though deep inside it hurts because I do like the man.

So, I'm back to square one. Me, myself, and I.  I got money on my mind right now and I am working hard to start a business that will hopefully become successful in the future. Men, I realize, are readily available. The good ones, are not. I trust in the universe that he will come to me, when I least expect it too. But for now, I will enjoy the cocktail of men who are available. I will continue to sharpen my senses so that I can smell bullshit from a mile away and deepen my awareness as to what I am looking for and what I am trying to avoid.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Returning To Stasis

So, The Hombre and I officially parted ways just about 2 weeks ago. I was incredibly sad but at the same time relieved! I just couldn't understand why I would feel like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders when a man I had real feelings for, probably the first man outside of my high school ex that I ever felt this way about, had basically agreed to stop seeing  me. He and I split up the Monday, and my cousin told me that by Friday I would forget about him. And she was right. Well, not all the way right because I still think about him from time to time. But I don't feel as sad anymore because The Aquarian was right there to wipe away the tears, from my heart that is.

Now, please don't get it twisted. I am not and do not hope to pursue a relationship with this guy, ever. But the thing is, he was just there. I had my truck in the shop doing what I thought was an hour repair. Turned out to be about 6 hours. I had to have my cousin pick me up so I could borrow her SUV. I dropped her to work and went about my business. By the time the shop had called me saying my SUV was ready I had gone through my phone book, trying to find a friend who was available to drive my vehicle from the shop to my cousin's workplace. Guess who was the last resort?

He was very willing. I picked him up in front of his office and we caught up with each other on the way to the garage. There were a lot of things left unsaid between us. I got a lot off my chest. Most of the things I've held against him for the past 6 plus months turned out to just be my insecurities running amok. He let me have it and I felt like shit for not giving this man the time of day and assuming the worst at all times. You may or may not remember that in the beginning we had expressed to each other that we wanted an open relationship. The only condition was that one was to let the other know what was going on. It proved too much for me so I ended it. But, since then he has not stopped reaching out, calling, texting, even when I ignored him. And now, I needed a friend and he was the first responder. I bought him a drink afterwards, at a strip club nonetheless. At that point of the evening I was in a vulnerable state. Me and the Hombre had just broken it off like two hours before and my emotions were still reeling. But the old adage that says the best way to get over one man was with another rang true. I made a date with him for that Friday.

It's wintertime, and I really prefer staying in most of the time, and it had been raining all day so that made matters even worse. But the rain makes me oh so horny and I was ready. The moment he walked through the door and saw me, he declared that we were going to have to skip over business and move right on to pleasure. I did not mind. I needed a release. I needed a climax and then eventual return to stasis. My emotions had been going crazy ever since I started dating the Hombre and I just wanted to feel balanced  and find my equilibrium again. And so I found it, in his pants...among other locations.

I had music playing, and this man did something to me that no other man had ever done with me behind closed doors. He took me in his arms and danced with me as if we were on a dance floor with an audience around us.  We're both freaks so the usual married folks sex just doesn't cut it for us, but somehow the usual was just unusual that night. I don't even want to share the details of what took place after but I will say that his exact words were: "we're making love now...". I don't know how many times I came, but he sorted me out good and proper, and we did not even get to try some of the things we'd been planning to.

 Usually I'd be watching the clock and anxious to kick him out but that night when he drifted off to sleep I allowed him to rest. I did not rest though. There is just something about sharing my bed with a man that irks me, even from when I was with my husband. I love having the comfort of a warm body next to mine, but I guess the constant awareness of another person keeps me awake. Not to mention the snoring. He left early the following morning.

Even after the man had announced to me that he wanted me to be his wifie and have his son, I still know in my heart that even if I do feel something for him, it would never be enough to make me want to give myself to him fully. For now, I will just enjoy what we have: a booty call with the benefit of a friendship. He's there when I need him, and that is all that matters to me for now. As for my pursuit of a real relationship, I have not given up. I'm not anxious to bedding anyone right now but I remain open to meeting new people.


blkmsm@gmail.com

The Post Valentine's Aftermath

So if you've been following from the beginning of this blog you'd remember that my ex and I got married on Valentine's Day. This has been a very difficult day for me since we've split. This year, even more complicated because all my insecurities with The Hombre, and men in general, have been messing with my nerves.

The day before, I was a mess. Fortunately my girls were willing to go out with me to this event to help get me out my funk. The day of, I was actually fine. Just when I was on the phone telling my cousin I was going to break it off with him, The Hombre sent me a text wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. I received a ton of greetings from friends, family members, and old or wannabe flames. (The Aquarian was the first to wish me HappyVDay, professing that he missed me and the usual stuff). I was fine. After I left work I decided I just wanted to stay in so I canceled my date with the girls. I went home to my kids, I did an hour of Zumba, and crashed. I think I weas asleep before 9PM. I did not even have any of the Cabernet I had bought the night before.

So tell me why, this morning I woke up feeling like shit? I mean, I have been in a funk the whole fricking day! I had the day off and had planned to get a workout in and tackle some chores. I did nada but sit and mope and wallow in my misery. I had one meal today and it was dinner, just because I forced myself to eat. Oh yeah, I called the shrink and I am now awaiting a slot so I can get some much needed help. I definitely AM NOT ready for any kind of relationship, so whenever I see him again I will end things with The Hombre. My GF says if it's any love I need right now, it's self love. So damn true. It's amazing that we as women give so much power to undeserving men who we allow to ruin our self esteem and make us feel unworthy. In the back of my brain, all I hear is my ex telling me that I was damaged goods and would never find another man to love me. And yes, he did say those awful things. I am not making this up.

I can hear Whitney Houston playing in my head.

In the meantime I decided to give myself some homework. I am making lists of the following:

• things I love about myself
• negative thoughts that come up throughout the day
• things that make me happy
• things that I can do to fill my time
• at least one good thing that happens to me each day

A positive life starts with a positive inside, and I have lots of work to do in order to accomplish that. Please, if you are a praying person, keep me in your thoughts and prayers.


blkmsm@gmail.com

I Could Be Happy..If I Don't Screw This One up

I've wanted to tell you all about this for a while now. I've met a man. I like him very much. If things keep going the way they are now, he just may be the one.  I've never felt like this about any man I've met since splitting up with the ex. Even the Aquarian. I liked him very much. As a matter of fact I still do. But there were just little nuances about him that I could never get over, one of them being the open relationship thing. I thought I was up to that, but then ultimately decided that it was not for me. There were a few other things that turned me off from the Aquarian, but the main thing was that I was never able to trust him, and I am afraid that this trust issue may end up affecting this potential relationship I have with this man.

Let's call him The Hombre. We met at the end of November, online of course, and have been in contact ever since. Things started off veeeery slow, but I was initially interested in him since we first came across each other. He's a few years older than I am, divorced (ex wife cheated on him), father of two (great father at that), and made a decent living as an IT specialist with the federal government. He's laid back and easy going like me, and very respectful. His smile is one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen and I think it was one of the first things I fell for when I met him. Still, I stare at his smile and his beautiful pearly teeth whenever we are together.

So, I wanted to take my time to get to know him and do this the right way. I felt as if I was ready to pursue a new relationship. Eventually, we went out on a couple of dates, even been to each other's homes a few times, and still this man was a gentleman. He never pressured me into doing anything with him. We made out, yes. But whenever I felt it was going too far I would back away and slow down the tempo. So a couple of weeks ago I finally decided that I was ready. I mean, I was horny, yes. But I felt like I'd asked him the important questions, covered all my bases, and gained a feeling of security from him. One of the questions I asked him was his intent where I was concerned. He expressed that he was seeking a relationship. Good, so was I. He doesn't want anymore kids. Neither did I. We pretty much agreed on every major point that came up in our conversations, and had the same goals. So yes, we finally experienced each other and it was wonderful. Fucking for fun is great, but fucking someone you genuinely like and see yourself being with is super fucking amazing!!!

The Hombre lives half an hour away across the state line. It's kinda far but not OMG far. We both lead busy lives. He has his kids most days, as he was the one to keep the family home, so if he's not working he's fathering. and when he's not doing those things he's busy doing other ish in his life. I get it. Same here too.
Fortunately we've been able to see each other once or twice a week. In between those days he texts me a lot, usually in the mornings, and always checking in with me and asking me how my day was going.

Somehow, the week following our first time being intimate was insanely busy for both of us. More so for him. He said his ex wife was on vacation for 8 days and so he had the kids during that time. Even so, I still felt a debilitating anxiety. He was not texting as consistently as he did the couple months before. I wondered if his affections were waning now that he'd gotten what he worked so hard for. I wondered if he was playing me. I wondered if he was already bored with me and the thrill was gone. I swear, I drove myself crazy wondering all kinds of stupid things that I wanted to cry. He's not on my FB as we both agree that social networks are the kryptonite of relationships. His profile is public so I was able to log on and see what he was up to. Everything he posted corresponded to where he said he was, who he was with, what he was doing. and guess what? His ex wife's profile is also public and I was able to see that she was indeed on vacation. I also went on his sister's page and everything corresponded to the little details he shared with me. So what the hell is wrong with me? This man has been nothing but good to me so far. He has given me no reason to mistrust him. Yet still I am snooping around and doubting him, robbing myself of sleep as I wait for the other shoe to drop. "He's great now," I tell myself, "but when is this prince going to turn into a frog?" I've become so burdened with these thoughts that I tell myself that I am going to break it off with him because I just couldn't take the not knowing. I couldn't take the fear I was feeling of being hurt again. And then it occurred to me last night, that I need counselling, and maybe I shouldn't have pursued another relationship so soon, even though I really did not pursue him, it was the other way around...

I decided I was going to wait until I saw him to tell him how I felt, and I did not anticipate seeing him until some time in the week, but to my surprise I was up at 6 AM and there was a text from him saying he wanted to see me today. About an hour later I was at his house. I was just so happy to see him. Of course it did get physical, (and before I forget to tell you all, he's a great lover!) but we caught up with each other, and I shared some of what I was going through. No, I could never tell him about the FB part. LOL! But I told him that I was afraid and it was fucking with my nerves. He said he understood how I felt, having been cheated on by his ex. But the main thing was to deal with it one day at a time and not let it consume me so much. He did mention that he had done therapy and did not feel it had much effect on him, but encouraged me to try it. The he pinched my nose, and kissed me, and I don't remember what happened next but it was great. LOL! After a long kiss goodbye, I drove off feeling a bit less anxious about us, and good about the direction our relationship was heading in, but also more determined to work on me as best as I can. I began this blog admitting that I was a mess. I am less of a mess than I was then, but still a work in progress. Tomorrow I am searching for a therapist. I am happy that I found what may grow into love but I am scared as all get out and I don't want to screw this one up.

And by the way, I'm swirling.. ;-)

blkmsm@gmail.com

He Wore Me Down

I've been having a great new year so far, socially at least. I've been out to eat and have drinks so much lately that I'm starting to feel fat! Friday night, I went out with my girl and my bro. Drinks, movies, more drinks, and dancing. By 2:30 AM I was done! I wanted to go to bed and smile in my sleep, after I put myself to sleep of course! I was feeling full and happy. But throughout the night the Aquarian kept texting that he wanted to see me. I showed the texts to my bro and asked him for advice on how to get rid of him. I mean, I've done everything I could to possible get rid of him. Not taking his calls. Telling him I've been seeing other men. Telling him to leave me alone. But no, this man wanted to see me so badly, by the end of the night after dancing and talking about sex with my friends, and being celibate for two months, this dude calls me and after saying some very effective words, he convinced me to let him come over.

I told him that my family was there even though they weren't so that I could get him out right after. I did not want to wake up to him in the morning and see the mistake I made staring at me, hoping to go for another round, and maybe get some breakfast. I opened the door and he kissed me so long and hard I had to struggle to free myself. The sex was, OK... I guess. I came. He did. And I got his ass out before the sun came up so it was a success.

So now I am back to square one. I want to get rid of him in the worst way. Since I've been keeping a lid on the vajayjay I've stumbled on a very wonderful thing, and it may be love but I am waiting to see how it develops before I spill the beans. I am very, very, happy  with the way things are going and can't wait for it to grow into something deep and meaningful. I'm just so ready for more. And I feel that leaving myself open for new opportunities is only possible if I close those other doors. And I am trying my endeavor best to do just that.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Happy Freaking New Year!!!

Thank G.O.D. 2011 is over! I mean, what a horrible year it was! Not just for me but many many others. In my neck of the woods we experienced every single natural disaster known to this region within a single year. Weather extremes. People going crazy I guess because of the shitty economy. And in my own life, I've weathered many personal storms as well.

Well, I'm still here! That is my one testimony for 2011. I am still here! Despite all the shit I been through, I've enjoyed some personal growth as I've had advancements in my career. Thanks to my significant weight loss I'm also physically healthier than say a year ago. I have a great feeling about this year. It's a new year, and I can't promise a new me but I promise it will be a better me. Already I feel myself receiving the benefits of some new positions I've already enacted at the latter part of last year.

I've been celibate for two months, by choice. I'm trying my best to keep my past relationships in the past and leave myself open for new and fruitful possibilities. Not saying that I don't miss getting physical but this time I've had to become retrospective and introspective has been great. I feel myself starting to heal. I don't break down any longer when I think of my failed relationships. I've taken things slowly with this man I was seeing recently and decided that it was not for me, and I feel fine with it. It just means another opportunity to go back in the dating pool and meet potentially wonderful men, one of whom will hopefully be "the one". As a matter of fact, I am currently speaking to a man who I've basically had a good feeling about since the first time he contacted me. Yes, we met online. I know I said I'd never do the online thing again but I just couldn't resist. It's like playing the lottery hoping that you hit the jackpot knowing damn well that your chances of doing so are slim to none. Anyway, I'm interested to see where this goes, and if it doesn't work out well then, you know there's plenty more fish in the sea!

Last night as I rang in the New Year in a club with my friends, I looked at the couples hugged up all around and I felt a slight twinge of envy. But you know, it was fleeting as I just enjoyed being in the company of a man and a woman whom I've been friends with for over a decade. I cherished the fact that despite all the years between us and the months we don't speak to each other, we still were as close as ever. I went home with a huge smile on my face and a warmness in my heart. Love as genuine as this makes the dimmest situations more bearable and I'm grateful to have that in my life.

Right now I'm just focused on being a better person. A better mom. A better friend. A better daughter. And I'm definitely intent on upping my money making game. I know many of you have similar goals, but let us not wait until the 31st of each year to decide that we need to make certain areas in our lives better. Start small. Think big! Much love to all of you for 2012!



blkmsm@gmail.com