Before I proceed, please throw out all preconceived notions about anal sex. It is important to mention that anal sex in the African American community is still considered taboo because it is thought of as an act that means a man is a homosexual. A man and a woman having sex is not gay!
So, what do I know about cruising on the chocolate highway? A little and a lot. I am not big on it but I like doing it every so often. Read: years in between. Trouble with that is that every-time was like the first time. I do have limitations though. I am not into tossing salads! Another post for another day. Neither am I into fingers going up there. I enjoy safe and responsible pleasure, and there is a way to make anal sex safe and pleasurable.
Do Your Prep Work
Now, if you are adventurous and love living on the wild side then spontaneous anal may appeal to you. But, the truth is, the anus is where your input goes out. Unless you're comfortable with seeing bits of your lunch on your man's thingy, take a dump, or even better, do an enema. Take a good shower after, and scrub down there well. Your ass should not smell like ass
Wrap It Up Please
Protect yourself. Anal sex, any sex for that matter, is very risky. The probability of HIV acquisition by the receptive partner in unprotected anal sex with an HIV carrier is higher than vaginal or even oral sex. Keep it safe! In addition, remember that the anus is a host environment for bacteria and we wouldn't want to transmit an E. Coli outbreak or kidney and bladder infections. Please, take both your partner and yourself into consideration.
Lube
Your anus does not lubricate like your vagina does. Use some form of lubrication. Lots of it! No fellas, spit is not sufficient. And for Christ's sake do not use petroleum jelly or baby oil! Astroglide is my all time favorite! Very silky and makes for a friction free time.
Loosen Up
Anal sex will hurt if you are not relaxed. That muscle will tighten so much that you can bend a spoon up there. You have to be completely aroused before this takes place. Do NOT forgo forplay. It is important to remain completely relaxed during this process. I like to get my regular freak on to the point of orgasm then transition to anal. I also like my clitoris stimulated during the act. Some people like to use the butt plug pump.....I will not delve into this one. (*chuckles*) The lining of the anus is very thin and bleeding can occur easily if penetration is forced so go slowly if you must.
I thought that was the answer. To have a honest, open relationship. No sneaking around. Sex on demand, with whomever we consented to. Fine. Then why is it so hard?
I find myself already being challenged with situations that bring about pangs of jealousy. Why? It's stupid I know, but it boils down to my own insecurities. I am not jealous. Jealousy is a culmination of other emotions. So is anger. I am none of those things. I am mostly fearful that his feelings for me are waning, even though I know that is not the truth. I am afraid that he has been lying to me and toying with me, which again I know is not true as he has been consistent up to this point. I am worried about him chasing some tail while I have dicks being thrown in my face, literally, but I have not taken advantage. My friend said that was the problem. I needed to stop being closed and become more open. I did not see the need to see anyone else initially
So yes, I have the option of being with more than one person. But really, I don't want to see anyone else. All I really want to do is enjoy him, and his company. Unfortunately, due to our busy schedules we have not been able to see each other. We make plans and something always comes up. It is a problem in any relationship, but it is more so a problem in an open relationship. I don't know what is going on with him, and even though I know it is not necessarily so, that little birdie in my ear is telling me that he is with someone else.
Then most recently something, though I am not sure exactly what it is, has been going on with him. We have not been communicating as we normally do, which is very unlike him, so I am clueless. And this has done nothing but heighten my insecurities which where there from the beginning anyway.
So with all things in consideration, I have decided that I do not have the emotional fortitude to maintain a relationship of this type. This is not for me. And so I have come to the conclusion that I am done with The Aquarian. No negative feelings or ill will involved.
I think all I want now is what I have always wanted: good sex on the regular and occasional companionship. On to the next one.
So here I am, minding my own damn business. I pretty much keep a low profile these days. Haven't been out anywhere. I am between work and at home with the kids. I haven't even called anyone. I only call the Aquarian and my mother. And still the calls/texts/messages keep coming from exes (read guys who I have dated or had relations with in the past. Not counting the Aquarian, I've only been in 3 serious relationships in my life).
The Married Ex
Since he called me at my job about 10 days prior I did not call him. Lo and behold Friday night he calls. That is unusual for him, because Friday night is his family night. He was there hemming and hawing, said he thought I was going to call him to keep the agreement we made last time. I told him that I did plan on calling him, exactly two weeks after he called me. That was what we had agreed to. He asked why I had to be so precise. I cut him short and asked him to what I owed the pleasure of his call. He asked if I was interesting in getting a cup of coffee sometime. I am not a coffee drinker, so I told him a light lunch would do. I did not set a date with him and did not project a sense of urgency to do so. He asked me to keep a specific day open next month. I promised him that I would. A promise is a comfort to a fool.
The Gentle Giant
I call him the gentle giant because he was soooo tall but very gentle. He was 6'7, I am 5'. He said I was the shortest girl he was ever with. I believe him. LOL! I had the biggest crush on him back in the day. I was with HSS at the time and I was very faithful. It was not until we had broken up that I decided to finally sample a piece of his chocolate goodness. I sampled him twice. And left. And did not call him. It was not until years later that we found each other on the internet. Since then he has been kind of distant and now I know why.
Recently I posted a photo of my new bikini body on my FB. His tongue got to wagging and he left a comment indicating so on it. I ignored it for a while until he cornered me in chat and basically told me that I was the only girl who ever used him for sex. He claimed he had feelings for me and was hoping it was the same for me. I did have feelings for him. But I also recognized very early on that it was just a crush and he would get on my nerves. Oh yeah, I moved over a thousand miles away so I was not into the long distance thing.
He asked if he could call me and I gave him my number. Told him it was not my intention to hurt him but I did not know he was feeling the way he was. He then asked me if it was just about the sex to me. To be truthful, it wasn't, but it was the main thing. The sex was great but he was probably the only man I ever slept with who refused to go downtown and that is an instant disqualification in my books! Our conversation was great until he indicated he would like to see me on my next trip home. I am done messing with discarded files in the recycling bin. On to the next one!
HSS
I did not tell you all about the recent fallout between us. He called me two Saturdays ago, as he seems to always do. The conversation was very unlike that of previous times. It was as if he wanted to say something and would not. I got fed up with his evasiveness. That day I asked him what his intentions were for me. Why is he still trying to act as if we were cool, when there were lingering issues that needed to be addressed between us? I called him on it. I confronted him and he pretty much got off the phone as fast as he could.
Instead of calling back I decided to shoot him an email, which I knew he would read at some point. In the email I told him that I knew he was going through a lot of things, but it still did not excuse him shutting me out.I also blasted him about sending the sexts when I asked him to stop. I let him know that I was sick of his mixed signals. I was past the point of being that kind of friend. I was ready for something serious, and it was clear that I was not it for him. I told him I did not need a rebuttal, just an acknowledgement that he got it. I got no such response. Two days later I sent a text asking him if he was going to ignore me. He sent back an angry reply asking me what was wrong with me, telling me I was not the only one with issues, and informing me that he was working 12-14 hour days for a week straight. I did not respond.
So this past weekend I hopped in the shower on that very hot, steamy Saturday nigh,t taking my third shower for the day. I come out the shower and see my phone blinking, indicating that I missed a call. I checked the call log and discover that he had called 5 minutes earlier but left no message. I called back and left a voicemail telling him that I was just returning his call. He called back about 10 minutes after. What he had to say floored me.
He first asked me how I was doing. I was very curt with him and he realized it. He then decided to not beat around the bush for once and said he wanted to know where he stood in my life, because he did not want to lose me again. As I said, I was floored. I asked him what he thought. After everything I was just tired. I told him that have started seeing other people. He said that he had some free time this week and would like the opportunity to see me, just to talk. I told him to call me and let me know when. I did not tell him yes or no. A friend urged me to go and show him how fabulous and happy I was. I might do just that.
Today I flipped through a copy of Sister to Sista. I don't usually read this one but the cover caught my eye. Jill Scott basically claimed that some good dick got her in a bad mess. She was, as she puts it, dickmatized. She also claims that all women have been dickmatized at one point or another in their lives. Do I agree with her? Most definitely.
Here are a few ways to help identify when you have been dickmatized:
1. Your Phone Is Your Frenemy
You constantly keep your phone on you, clutching it tight to your chest as you sleep. Taking it to the bathroom to you when you go do a # 2. Every chirp causes your heart to skip a beat. You feel a sudden rush of endorphins and when you realize it was just junk mail or a text from some lame dude you have been avoiding, your heart sinks deep in your chest. You then feel rage sweep through your body, because you know what you are doing is stupid. You want to throw your phone against the wall, but decide against it just in case you miss his call.
You have been dickmatized.
2. You Neglect Your Loved Ones
You have no down time. New dick will have you constantly shopping for new lingerie, sexy clothes, fuck me shoes. Good dick will have you in the nail shop getting that mani pedi and at the salon getting waxed. You literally live in the hair salon because all that fucking is messing with your 'do. All that primping to get laid is taking away valuable down time you would normally be spending with those closest to you. Not to mention the fact that your houseplants have all died. Oh, they were fake? They still look like they dried up.
You have been dickmatized.
3. You Go Broke For LoveLust
All that primping and clubbing and money spent on hotel rooms do add up. You notice that he has not paid for a meal since the first date. Under the guise of searching for good parking, he lets you go in and purchase the movie tickets and never pays you back for his portion. Let us not forget that he asked you to loan him some money to pay his rent. He said he would have paid you back 2 months ago but every week something new comes up. Your credit cards are maxed out, and so is your patience.
You have been dickmatized.
4. You Can't Talk About Him With Your Girlfriends
Remember when you used to tell your girlfriends that they were fools for putting up with so and so because they were doing so and so? Remember how you called their men every dirty name in the book? And now you can't tell your friends about him because he isn't the Prince Charming you once thought he was? You can't even hang with your girls like you used to because you are so afraid that they will bring him up.
You have been dickmatized.
5. His Redeeming Qualities Aren't As Redeeming As They Once Were
You overlooked his lying to you about how much money he made because you rationalized that he was probably just afraid and wanted to impress you. You say, well, he doesn't own the car wash but at least he has a job! He's a hard worker. He's held down the same job for 5 years. You then find out that he is still mooching off his mama, his side hoes, and now you. You start to catch him lying about everything, even the weather.
You have been dickmatized.
6. You Go In Stalker Mode
You are on all his social network accounts, browsing his friends and contacts. You're checking his comments on FB. You try to find out when was the last time he logged in. You try to hack into his email. You not only Google him, as you probably did the first night you met him, but you actually pay for a background check. You check his phone when you get the opportunity. You try to go on his ex girlfriend's page. You drive by his house at odd hours. You time him as he leaves work and follow him around town after.
You have been dickmatized.
Don't just leave. Flee! Retreat! According to Jill iin her interview with Sister to Sista:
“Where you get caught up in the whole sexuality of your relationship but it’s not going anywhere… Just somebody giving you the goods but not necessarily giving you the rest-or not expecting the rest from them. What I’ve discovered is, although it may be a lot of fun, it is also a waste of time and you might be blocking your blessing-blocking somebody who wants to be more to you than just a great time in your life.”
I've been dickmatized for a long time, most recently with HSS. I let my love of the dick cause me to overlook some serious flaws in our relationship. If I didn't decide to expand my horizons I would not have met The Aquarian. I don't know if he is the end all, be all, for me but I am enjoying being treated like I want to be treated for once in my life. My sisters, I charge you all to remove blessing blockers in your life. It is hard but believe me, there is nowhere to go but up when you are down.
So a week ago, I am at home, minding my own business. The phone rings. My mother outlaw tells me that she wanted my husband's niece to have the futon in our living room because her brothers would be visiting her new apartment and she did not have any furniture for them to sleep on.
Story behind the futon:
My mother outlaw has been storing her furniture in my house for the past 5 years. When I had that violent falling out with her back in 09 I told my husband to take her shit out our house and let me get my own damn furniture. Since then I got a brand new furniture set for my family room and dining room. Her futon is in my formal living room along with her other pieces. I was in the process of getting my own formal set when my husband told me that she told him to take them and he would pay her for them. Apparently he has not paid her so now she still has claim over them, as well as the few other pieces she has here.
Where the fall out takes place:
Her grand daughter just got her first apartment and has no furniture. So she calls me with this concocted story about the boys coming and their sister needing it for them. Now I have no problem with her taking her shit, as a matter of fact I want her to get all her shit out my house. I intend to start throwing out her son's things deep in the fall to rid my home of the negative energy. But when I found out that the boys were not coming at all it made me start to wonder if she told me that lie so she could slowly start to take back the things she had given us because of the fact that I was indeed going through the divorce. Bare in mind that she sent her grand daughter over here to take the television that was in my guest room prior to this, without at least giving me advance notice so as to allow me to buy a replacement set. This latest lie made her look like a skeevy bitch and I passed word that she can come take the rest of her shit too.
The relative I passed word through said it was not because of the pending divorce why she was taking her things. She lied because she was afraid I would tell her just that, to take her shit out my house. And because she cannot afford storage right now she wanted to smooth over the process. But it was so stupid. If it's her shit it's hers. Why would I have a problem with her taking her shit? The problem I have is the lying and the scheming. It's that same shit that caused my marriage to disintegrate. Her lie led me to believe that her intentions were dishonorable even though chances were they weren't. I understand there was a whole round table discussion with his family over that futon. Why couldn't she had just come to me in the first place and say to me:"You know ______, I am not taking my furniture because I have anything against you. It's just that ___ needs it right now until she gets on her feet". Finnito! That's all it would have taken. But no. They were pretty much casting lots on whether or not I would get upset and tell her to come get the rest of her stuff. Please understand folks, it's not the furniture; it's the principle.
Anyway, I decided to let her be and not stir the pot any further. I was still seething though with her lie and it is a pity that the Aquarian couldn't come over so we could fuck and cum all over that futon before they picked it up today, just for the hell of it.
This is something I have never shared with you all, but I have been writing since I was 8 years old. I did short stories and mostly poems. I keep starting novels but never finish them. I guess I lost my lust for literature. I find it satiating to blog on here because (1) It is an outlet for me and (2) I really love to write. So from time to time I write poems about whatever it is I am going through and below is one of them. This is not based on any one person, but it is a compilation of all my past hurts all rolled up in a poem for your perusal.
The Coldest Summer You Will Ever Feel
And so here it is again
I am caught here
picking up pieces
of what used to be me.
Me, when I was glowing
and basking in the light
of what I once thought
was your love.
But all of a sudden
you become like stone.
You cast a cloud
so dark
I can actually see
what was hiding behind
your once prominent rays.
So now as I emerge
all glued together
with cracks exposed
I harden as you did.
I feel a nothingness.
I feel a numbness.
Yet I feel
like I can come anew.
And as I feel
the existence of you fades.
And all you are left with
is a killing frost
in what was once our field.
This is the coldest summer
you will ever feel.
I felt compelled to do a follow up to my "Women, Please Take Care of Your Men" post. Men, you do not get off scott free in this. Nuh-uh! It works both ways sweetie. We scratch your back, you scratch ours.
While the Aquarian and I were spending some QT together the other day, he mentioned that his brother had a girlfriend who he worked 3 jobs to put through med school. As soon as she became a doctor she left him. Now anyone on the outside with a dick and two nuts would say what a skeevy bitch she was for doing that.
She Who Feels It Knows
Some can say my husband gave me everything I now have. I own a home, a nice vehicle, I have 2 beautiful kids, and to the outside world it would appear as if I bailed on him as soon as we went through our difficulties. But she who feels it knows. I could argue that I was neglected during my marriage. Not neglected in the sense that he abandoned us and left us for dead. I mean that he did not cater to my needs as his wife, mother of his children, and a woman. Nor did he take an active role in the kids lives, always too busy to pay any of them some attention. Now he cries that he is missing out on their growth and development. GTFOH! Sorry, I digress. The disrespect, the abuse, the disregard for our marriage was too much for me. When I saw my opportunity, I seized it. I ended our relationship. Tongues have been wagging since the first day we separated, but even more now that the final stages of our separation is taking place. I don't really care because as they say, she who feels it knows. And that is why I am not so quick to pass judgment on this person because who knows what she actually went through?
No Excuse
Now Miss Med School may have had other problems which were unknown to the general public. Shoot! I can only imagine getting all dressed up as she did in her sexy lingerie and being ignored. I can relate. Been through similar instances with HSS when he would come over super late and super tired and barely notice the effort I spent getting ready for him. Now I am in no way saying that The Aquarian's brother was not genuinely tired. Working three jobs is a very stressful and demanding thing. But still that does not excuse ongoing neglect of one's significant other. As soon as home girl saw her way out, she left. I am sure lack of gratitude was not the main reason. Maybe it was a feeling of loneliness and rejection.
So guys, please know that this blogger praises the hard working men who try to make a better life for their women and family. But you gotta take the time to show her that she's your one and only. A garden does not grow if it is not watered. Here is how you can take care of your woman even if you are dog tired:
Make Time
It does not have to be every weekend. But at bare minimum, once a month, schedule a date night. See, us women are very patient and if we have something good to look forward to we are very willing to wait. I personally enjoy waiting to see my SO. It's the anticipation that makes everything so special. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Get Down Even When You're Not Up
My HSS used to tell me that he was so tired that he was afraid he wouldn't be able to get it up. Don't laugh. It is a genuine concern for men. Guys, don't worry if you can't get it up. There are other ways to make us cum. I don't have to spell it out. Your tiredness should be no excuse. Your species is known to be capable of screwing while asleep. Work it out!
It's The Little Things
Keep the romance going. Be affectionate. Send your SO sexts. You know, pics of your dick, video of you wanking, or just plain old dirty talk about what you are gonna do when you next do the nasty. Kiss her whenever you see her. Touch her. Leave a flower among her personal things. Make her feel like you know she's still there and you can't wait until the next time you get to jump in her groin, whenever that may be. They always say it's the little things that count, and in any relationship it is true. If you are cold and distant all the time she will begin to wonder if you are really as tired as you say you are, and if there is someone else that is stealing your affections.
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
And when you do get to giving her some, please bring your A-game. If you are not prepared to show your woman that all her holding out for you was worth it then please dissolve your union ASAP. Make sure that you are well rested and ready to deliver with a force that will have her singing an aria. Me personally, after I've been shown what exactly I was missing all those days, I can go for a week or two without demanding sex. That is my recovery and build-up-anticipation-for-the-next-encounter time. Nothing gets me running as fast as a soft dick does.
The C Word
Sex is not everything but it is very important to the stability of a relationship. At the end of the day it is all about compromise, and both parties will constantly find themselves having to do it in order to maintain peace and stability in the union. When most relationships end it is usually because one party has been doing most of the compromising. Find that balance in your relationship and know when it's your turn to sacrifice.
I swear, in the past few days I have been bombarded with attention from the opposite sex. Not just random guys trying to hit on me, but exes from all phases of my life! Exes in my living room. Exes on FB. Exes blowing up my phone. Wanna be exes at my insurance agent's office, my job, and other random places. I joked about it to my girlfriend and said that it seems as if my sex magnet has been turned up. Not only do I have a sex magnet, I have an ex magnet!
The Very Dead Ex
A few months ago I made a posting about an ex of mine who was trying to get back in touch with me. Well we have a bunch of mutual friends on FB who recently got together on a FB group and of course they invited his ass there. He of course couldn't resist the opportunity to talk to me and get into my head space, and of course I should have played Sub Zero on Mortal Combat because I was very cold towards him. He is still trying to get back on my good side after the bullshit he pulled in the past. That's exactly what he is. The past. He needs to stay there.
The Married Ex
He called me today with a sadness in his voice. It has been two months since I've called him. He called me once last month after Father's Day. I suppose he was waiting to hear from me and did not so he wanted to ask me what was up. He asked me why I was angry with him. I explained I was not angry with him as much as I was angry at myself. I felt that he did not take me seriously and I did not want to be in a one sided relationship, especially with a married man. He said he understood and knows it was unrealistic of him to expect me to continue seeing him. I asked him what he wanted from me or rather what he expected. He said he was not in a position to place expectations on me. I said fine, then asked how he would like us to proceed. He said I meant a lot to him and he was fine being just friends with me. In addition, he would love if we kept in touch more often. I accepted the new terms of our relationship. I don't know why but it was a very emotional 20 minute conversation for me.
My STBE
Oh lawd! Drama drama drama. And now his family is becoming more involved. My sister in law is lecturing me about the importance of avoiding divorce and quoting scriptures on me. Where was her scripture quoting ass when her brother was not living up to his God ordained responsibilities as husband, father, provider, and spiritual leader of this household? Why am I to believe now that he has changed? After being apart for 10 months it is impossible to know whether or not he has truly changed. ASnd that same bible she quoted states:
"Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil." (Jer 13:23)
Anyway, she has been subtly hinting her disapproval of my decision to file divorce. Then Sunday night she made one last attempt to sway me, and after everything she said that I was always family to her even if I should remarry (which she mentioned was not approved in the Bible except in the case of the death of a spouse).
Her brother now has outwardly asked me not to file the dinvorce, then he told me to just discontinue all communication with him. I reminded him that he is still the children's father. His reply was that I should tell them about him and why we broke up. He just went on with his drama queen bullshit. And that has always been him. Woe is me. The world is against me. So glad I am moving on!
He called last night wanting to speak to the kids but they were at a party and he gave me the stankest attitude ever. He wants us to have a face to face meeting but I have been hesitant for various reasons. He complained about that and pretty much told me to forget about him. He called again tonight to apologize for his behavior and said he was just feeling down. That is him. Night and day. Typical Gemini behavior. I am so glad I am moving on!
My High School Ex
Since showing up at my house unannounced he came by again last Saturday as I was on my way out to an appointment. On Friday he sent me a text of his dick and I replied that we were not like that anymore so he was to stop sending me dirty pics. He said I was mean. Anyway, he came over and said he wanted to talk. I said I couldn't because I was in transit. He offered to take me to the appointment and I accepted.
As we were on our way we started talking about our issues and somehow it turned into a huge argument. He pretty much got offended by my tone and said that I spoke to him like he was a child. I tried to tell him that it was not my intention to make him feel that way while I was expressing my points but I could not get a word in edgewise. I decided to stop talking and started to send an IM to my girl when he snatched my phone. I was pissed to say the least. I would never have done that to him and I expect the same level of respect. I blew up at him and he tossed it back to me stating he was just messing with me because he wanted my undivided attention and I was blowing him off and ignoring him while he was talking. The ride after that was very uncomfortable and neither of us said anything to each other until we got back to my house.
He's called and texted since then, telling me that we are not done and we will never be done. I don't know what he wants from me. It took our first date for the Aquarian to tell me that he wanted to be with me for a long time and under a month for him to indicate that he wanted to be my boyfriend. If H.S.S. really wanted me then I don't think he would have delayed saying so. He's called and texted since and my response has been icy. I love him dearly, but I am just tired of the constant up and down with him.
My College Ex
I've never mentioned him here before because I have been out of touch with him for years. It's been at least 6 years since I've seen him. We dated during the latter part of our senior year in college. Our relationship was veyr hush hush because we were both private people and did not want our business being spread across campus, particularly in the very small black population. Anyway, after college he left and went off to grad school in upstate NY and I stayed back and married my STBE. I knew when he left that he was never gonna return so I let him go in my heart and went back to my husband who I had broken up with briefly while I dated my college ex.
Anyway, he found me on FB and of course he added me and we chatted briefly. We exchanged numbers and he called me. We spoke for over an hour. He apparently still has some feelings for me and is very much attracted to me. I have not told him about the Aquarian but I did tell him I was dating. He wants to see me again. I agreed to meet him for dinner when he is back in town. Nothing should come of it. Our lives are moving in different directions and that was how it always was. While he was chasing a career I was chasing a family. He did mention that he wanted to have a family soon. I know it won't be with me, but I would like to catch up with him soon. Will let you all know how that goes.
Wannabe Exes
I think I may need a separate post for this but I have been getting a lot of attention lately from men I have met either online or in person. It's just funny how this sudden attention comes at a time in my life when I am content with one person. The Aquarian and I have a semi-open relationship which I will get into in another post one of these days, but I agreed to not date or see anyone without his knowledge, and he the same. To be honest, I am quite satisfied with seeing just him. He has been such a constant source of joy in the short time I have known him. I just wished that all these men were around when I was single and horny. LOL!
Things are going swimmingly well with My Aquarian. We touch base with each other everyday. We have similar goals in life. We both like to have fun. We both enjoy being parents. We both enjoy each other.
So yesterday morning during our usual good morning exchange we decided that he would come over and show me how much he missed me. It had been over a week since we've seen each other and we were both overdue for some loving. I got home about half an hour before he was due to arrive and hurriedly did the 3 S's: shit, shower, and shave (the coochie that is). Sorry if it's TMI, but I gotta make sure I am squeaky clean inside and out.
So I'm just about to jump out of the shower when he texts me: "Put on something slutty for me and take your toys out. I wanna meet them."
I was like: "WTF!" I felt the pressure was on to find something sexy to wear, and then gather my toys up for him to peruse. Luckily, I have a few costumes that I have worn on occasion and it seems to get a rise out of guys, if you know what I mean. I grabbed my favorite outfit, the French Maid. It was befitting. My Aquarian was actually born in Paris and came to the States when he was 12. So I lotioned and spritzed some of my perfume on and put just a little makeup on. Not too much. I didn't want to look like I was trying too hard. The toys were gonna have to meet him another time, because he calls shortly after and tells me that he is outside. I pranced through the house to meet him at the door. I open it and see him staring at me in amazement.
"Damn baby! Damn!"
He made the sign of the cross and sent a quick "thank you Lord" up to the heavens.
"French maid for my French man," I smiled and then kissed him right there in my door way.
He ran his hands up and down my body, feeling under my outfit to find out what kind of underwear I was wearing. When he discovered there was none he looked up at me with a sly grin on his face.
I nibbled on his ear and whispered, "I ain't got no panties on."
He said he realized that and kissed me madly. I had to literally pull him in the house and shut the door behind him. I don't know why guys do this the first time they come to my house, but they always want a tour. My home is not anything spectacular, but it is very homey. So I gave him a mini tour and then led him straight to my lair. My bedroom is my sanctuary. I spend the most time at home in there. Me letting him into my sanctuary was a big deal and I let him know right there and then that he was privileged. He said he knew he was was.
Next thing I know, I was lying on the edge of my bed with my legs flung wide apart and him ravenously showing me how much he missed me. The sex was ahhh-maziiing! Remember how I said it was hard for me to squirt via penetration? With him, I lose my senses and have back to back orgasms. Very liquid ones. He's not as large as HSS but he's long enough to make my stomach cramp after sex. I guess he doesn't have as much girth, which is good because I don't have to prep for him with the 800mg Ibuprofen like I did for HSS. He commented that it seems as if his dick was made for me, which honestly seems to be true. He's perfect!
So, after round two we were having the usual pillow talk couples have after sex. We were talking about anything and everything. The topic of what birth control I was on came up. I mentioned that I actually wanted to have my tubes tied since I did not want anymore kids. I would have done it if my mother did not convince me otherwise. He agreed and said that I should not, because I never know if the next man I marry may want to have his own kids. I gave him that WTF look. I then asked him if he was concerned about getting me pregnant. He said that he would not mind because I make beautiful kids. I give him the GTFOH look. So I asked him if he really wanted kids and his reply was yes because he has two girls like myself and would like to have a son.
OK. Hold up!!! Stop the music!!! [Record scratch]!!! I do not think I want more kids. After having two bad pregnancies, post partum depression, weight gain, and having to take care of these kids all by myself from day one, (and I do mean while their father was around), I am marking the calendar as they inch closer to 18 years of age. Most parents say they would miss their kids terribly with the empty nest syndrome. Me, I'll get a damn dog if I miss them that badly. That oughta keep me busy. I am enjoying my growing freedom. I have changed diapers for 4 years without a break. I am tired of cleaning shit. Tired of cleaning up spills. Tired of scolding. Tired of having to be mom and dad.
Now, I am not saying that my Aquarian would not be a great father. He IS a great father! And he is an attentive boyfriend. It's just that I am loving my me time. I am looking forward to being forty something and still young enough to act twenty something. LOL! He says I am still young enough to have more kids. I am feeling very hesitant at this point, and if this is something that he really wants, we will have to part ways because I don't think I want to bring forth another life into this world.
So anyway, we wrapped up a hot steamy summer evening of hot steamy sex and I sent him off to get his girls as I went to get mine. I really like this guy. I see myself going places with him. But if having more kids are a part of the package I really have to rethink this one.
I am super excited! Ladies and gentlemen, I've got some news to share with you all. Actually I wanted to post this since Saturday but it's been a hectic holiday weekend and a lot of things have been happening all at once. All I know is I am letting some baggage go, and rocking some new ish.
Attorney-at-Lost
So let me begin with an update on my old baggage. My STBE husband. On Friday I went to see our attorney. He has handled different legal matters for us in the past few years and now I wanted to get my divorce started. My mother-outlaw decided she wanted to come so she could to represent her son since he was out of state and we agreed to use the same attorney since he was not going to contest the divorce. She arrived with my brother-in-law. The lawyer pretty much ran through everything that would result from the divorce and as it stands, my STBE was on the losing end. I retain ownership of all assets, bank accounts, custody of the children.
Of course my monster outlaw was not happy with this and ran home and called her son and relayed the news. He called me quite frantic, asking me how I could allow the lawyer to disparage him and told me that he was going to disappear from our lives and I was to move on with mine. When he was done with his rant I reminded him that he was still the children's father. His response weas that he can't be a father if he can't be with his family, and I will find someone to take his place. He asked me to tell the children about him when they asked questions, but he was not going to be a presence in their lives any longer. Drama king anyone?
Boyfriend?
Anyway, that same evening, the Aquarian texted me to let me know he was in an accident. We were making plans for this weekend. We haven't seen each other since our tryst the weekend before. I offered to meet him at the hospital but he called me when he got there and told me that his brother was there so I did not have to go. To be truthful, I did not want to go. I hate hospitals. In addition, I had to pick my kids up.
Anyway, he was fortunate to have walked away from the crash alive, but his neck has been very sore since so he has been laying low. So since he was not gonna keep my company over the weekend I decided to give my neglected backyard some attention and hired a gardener to cut some wild bushes down at the back of my property. When the man saw the work ahead his remark was:"you need to get a boyfriend!"
And so it was, the Aquarian texted me asking what I was up to that Saturday morning. I told him I was about to get my yard cleared. I also shared the remark the gardener made. His response was: "Well can I be your boyfriend? If I wasn't hurt I'd come help you right now."
My head suddenly felt light. I smiled the biggest smile I have had in the longest time and replied: "I think I'd like you to be my boyfriend." to which he replied: "Well let's make it happen."
I said I was game and he said he was too. And so boys and girls, Momma's got a boyfriend now! It's something I was not anticipating anytime soon but yes, I've decided to get serious with the Aquarian, whom I shall now refer to as "My Aquarian". LOL! We talked but we have not quite established the parameters of our relationship. I do know that he is not into the traditional paradigm of relationships even though he would like to get married someday. Our main thing is respect and open honesty, and he does not mind me seeing anyone else so long as I keep it 100% and remember that he is the Big Daddy. (His words not mine). LOL! I think I really like him!
Impromptu Visit
So, one day fresh after becoming official with My Aquarian I am in my kitchen, it is 9pm, and I am making a cup of milk for my younger one before putting her to bed. The older one was out with relatives so it was just me and her sister at home. Yes, so I am in the kitchen, warming milk, hair wet and stank with cholesterol in a plastic cap, no makeup, unshowered, and just minding my own damn business when my phone rings. It was HSS and he said he was outside. I was shocked to say the least! I mean, he has never popped up unannounced before.
Yes, I know I have been trying to get some documents from him and we were always planning to meet up at public places but for one reason or another we never are able to coordinate times. So anyway, I went out in the driveway to collect the things from him, I noticed that he switched off his engine and obviously planned to make his visit longer than a drop off and go. Mosquitoes were starting to bite so I invited him in.
A new episode of True Blood was on so he decided he wanted to catch it live instead of on DVR. My little one was buzzing around him and he chatted with her for a little until I tucked her in and jumped in the shower to rinse out my hair and put on something cleaner (read: more "appropriate"). I came out with my hair still wet and hanging past my shoulders, wearing nothing but a sleep tank, and a full glass of moscato. We talked in between scenes about what was going on in my world. I did not mention My Aquarian. Not that I was not going to, it's just that we had so much catching up to do that he never came up. When the show ended he decided it was time to go, and to be honest, I was ready for him to leave. This impromptu visit felt too awkward for me.
Hug Kiss and Say Goodbye
I walked him to the kitchen door, which leads out to the garage and held it open for him to exit. At that point, he asked me if I was not going to give him his hug. I leaned in towards him with my left shoulder and my head flung back to give him one of my side hugs. You know, the "I don't wanna get too close to you" kind of hug. In a jiffy, I felt him reel me in tight and then bit my neck. He knoooows that is my weak spot. I went crazy at that moment and started kissing him on his lips, then he started kissing me back. Suddenly, he pulled away and commented that he had to get his life together.
"What's going on?" I asked. "Talk to me."
He spent an hour right there in my doorway talking about what was going on his world. His feelings of inadequacy as a man, a father, and a son. deep rooted problems that I have never been able to help him with then, and still cannot help him with now. I reassured him that I was there for him if he ever needed to talk. He held me close again and kissed me on the forehead, at which point I just couldn't restrain myself and grabbed him by the belt and pulled his torso towards mine. He then pulled himself away and stated that his state of mind was cloudy right now, and sex was the last thing on his brain, but if we were to go ahead and do it, it would be meaningless sex, and he cares about me too much to treat me like a piece of meat.
At that point, I raised my palms in retreat and turned away from him. He then forced me to turn around and begged me to look at him in the face. I couldn't. I was hurt. I am not going to even deny that. Not hurt that he wouldn't have sex with me, because if I was persistent enough he would have. But I was hurt at the fact that he won't let me love him through whatever he is feeling at the moment. I want to be there for him. I have made it clear. But it is not enough. He admitted he has become a recluse. Typical crab-like behavior. Hiding in his shell. Anyway, I told him that I understood his stance and respected his wishes. That was not sufficient for him as he could see the hurt on my face. Eventually, we had to end the stand off so he hugged me one last time. I shot back inside and he walked out the garage. I did not turn around to watch him leave. I felt a load lift off me as I saw a reflection of his car lights go by on my walls. I sent a short BBM to my close friend and went right to sleep.
Letting Go
My husband has released me, my HSS has somewhat released me too as he is lost in his own world. So now I feel free to fly, wounded and all. I am in the process of shaking my old bags and not becoming like the bag lady Erykah Badu sings about. I am packing light and letting go. I feel myself opening up to new opportunities of love. Speaking of which, my college sweetheart contacted me on FB today and the sparks are still there. He wants to see me next time he is in town. I'll meet him for a drink or so. Don't think much will come of it as he lives 5 hours away, which was the reason I did not pursue a relationship with him back then. I CANNOT do long distance. But, he always has a special place in my heart. Amidst all my encounters, I am hopeful that My Aquarian and I will have a long and meaningful relationship, and that I can close all the old chapters in my life and get rid of these old bags.
Sidenote: One old bag I was actually happy to find was my favorite Coach wristlet. I have been searching for it for about a month! I literally turned my house upside down trying to find it. I began to suspect my former sitter of stealing it as she had been eyeing it and making comments about it. Oh well, I was relieved that I found it and that she was not the culprit after all, because I really liked her!
He may be there but he's not really there. Get him off
Craigslist and get his attention
I have noticed since I have become [semi] single that I have been approached by mostly men who are married or in serious relationships. Now, the attention is flattering, but it also disgusts me. I mean, why is it that these men who have a solid home life feel the need to go creeping outside?
Disgusting
Don't tell me because they are men. There are good and decent men out there. Yes, they do exist. But it just sickens me that you can say that your wife is your best friend and yet still you are hurting her behind her back. If that's what real friends do then I don't want any. This guy I met on Craigslist was involved in a serious relationship but complained that his woman was too busy for him. One married guy I chat with took his wife out to South Korea with him only because I refused to go with him. Another one of my married male friends posted a big happy anniversary message on FB to his wife the other day that made me want to vomit. Not because I was jealous, but because I was disgusted. This same man was talking to me about his fantasies of fingering my ass and tasting my juices a while before that. It sickens me! It's like sticking his wanker into some broad out there then coming home and sticking it back into his wife's mouth. Yuck!
Something New
I have come to the conclusion that men go creeping because they are bored and looking for something new. Yes, you give them sex every Sunday night while the kids are asleep. You have to keep it hushed though because you don't want to wake them up. And you give it to him in 2 positions, him on top, or on your side. Oh yeah, you suck his dick 4 times a year: his birthday, Father's day, your anniversary, and Valentine's day. If you got drunk during Christmas dinner, New Year's Eve, or your relative's wedding you will probably give him head then. Yes, I said. I said it cause I can. I used to be like that with my STBE husband after I had the kids. I had sex just to get rid of him. And it wasn't because I didn't want to get wild. It was because I was tired of him, our routine, and everything in general. The few times when I strayed (yes I did) I was in a rut with him and I just fell prey to excitement. I can relate to why a man would want to do the same.
So ladies, this is my plea: Please take care of your men. Get wild and crazy. Offer your pussy on a platter. He should be refusing it and begging you not to straddle him because you wore him out. Make your bed springs sing and make that headboard leave dents in your wall. Don't worry, the kids may not be able to sleep for a while but they will survive. Get yourself some sexy lingerie. Get some sex toys, some astroglide. Do the whole romantic thing: wine, candles, massage, etc. Change your hairstyle up. Do something different at least once a week. Your man should whip his head around every time to see if it's really you or some strange chick walking around in the lacy panties and Louboutins around the house. Communication
With all that said, none of this will ever guarantee that your man will remain faithful. Therefore, it is essential that you both communicate with each other and check in on a regular basis. Maintain an open and honest line of communication. That way, you can know when something is not right, and instead of the problem growing and manifesting into an affair, you can both work together to remedy it. I think that if I had told my husband that I was not satisfied with our sex life and that I was toying with the idea of seeing someone else, yes he would have gotten mad, probably would have thrown a jealous fit. But, he would have stepped his game up and made me forget about even wanting to see anyone else. I know he would have because he loves me, and he never wanted our marriage to fall apart the way it did.
Most married men I know, no, all of them, do not want their marriages to fall apart. So yes, I believe if they were actually challenged they would step up to the plate to make their wives happy. My sister in law's husband got in trouble with her once because of his wild ways and when she found out and threatened him, best believe he was home early every day. He took her out on dates, they went away on vacation and were acting lovey dovey all the time. This was about a year ago. Now, it seems as if she has grown comfortable and he has gotten bored so he is back on the streets prowling.
This guy I am seeing now made it clear that he is not a serial dater and has no problems with commitment. I asked him what happens in the event that I meet someone I wanna smash. I am gonna be real, I do not know if I am capable of being faithful. As long as my eyes see, I am always going to be tempted. I have realized that in most vulnerable points in my relationships I have sought relief outside and that was because the dialog was not there. But anyway, his response was that I should let him know and we would work it out. I heart him! LOL! But yes, honesty and communication people!
Remaining Faithful?
I have become distrustful of men in general. Most of the married men in my family are notorious womanizers. Yes, I've dated one married man and I am still trying to work him out my system. I have told him on several occasions that he disgusts me. He called me the day after Father's Day telling me that he realizes he was in the dog house with me because I didn't call him anymore. I am trying to undo whatever hold he had over me when I was younger. I think the last time when we were together I asked how things were at home with his wife, he said they were close friends now. Close friends my ass! Go home to your friend and leave me the hell alone! I will not be party to his infidelity any longer. Ladies and gentlemen, I have grown a conscience! [scattered applause]
I still don't know for sure if my husband did or did not cheat on me but I am going to presume him guilty until proven innocent. Loose condoms and Viagra pills hidden in secret places don't make much for an innocent defense. I don't care if a man I am with feels the need to get his somewhere else. I just hate being lied to and made to believe that I am the only one. I like to know straight up if it's going to be just you and me, or you, me and whoever we happen to like. For this reason, I am liking the idea of having an open relationship. More on that in another post.
