It's That Time Of Year...Dammit!!!

I hate Christmas. I really do. I can't think of a single one I'v enjoyed since I turned 17. Thinking back on my own childhood, Christmas was not a very joyous occasion for me. The most memorable Christmas I've had was when I was little and my father actually decided to spend it with me and my mom. The gifts couldn't stop coming. Homegirl got lots of gifts including a Nintendo. I lost sleep for days playing Mario and Duck Hunt.  And for the first time I felt like I was part of a real family. That did not happen again. My next and most special Christmas was with an ex I never mentioned. Right after I broke up with HSS I was in a relationship with him. We became an official couple that Christmas Eve night. It was magical to say the least. I have not felt that kind of magic since.

And here it is. It's that time of year again. And now for the second Christmas in a row I am a single mother of two trying to fake happiness for two unknowing children. I am grateful for the first Christmas he was not home back in 09. I guess that prepared me for getting used to him not being around.  This Christmas should be a little different than the last though. For one, I have lots of gifts that the kids are gonna just love! I hope I can keep the gifts hidden until the day comes! I also am breaking the old traditions and cutting ties with his family and just doing my own thing. My own thing for now might just be church in the morning, and a simple dinner for my kids and I and whichever straggler feels like dropping by. I also may end up partying at one of those clubs later on that night.

But as the days wind down to the festivities, I am feeling anything but festive. I have been insanely depressed lately. Been crying frequently. Thinking negative things. Wallowing in regrets. I feel like suddenly I am in grief. I feel as if my grief following my separation was delayed. I did not give myself time enough to sort through my feelings and so I get these episodes where I think about my failed marriage, as well as the ending of the relationship with HSS. And no, I do not want to be in a relationship with any of these men, but now I acknowledge that I had not taken any time to deal with my feelings but instead jumped back in the saddle, or saddles of other men. As it stands now, the Aquarian is relentlessly pursuing me but I will not give him the time of day. The Aspiring Writer actually confessed that he wasn't feeling the boy toy thing so we amicably ended our dealings. And right now, I am dating my long time friend, but we both agreed to take things slowly as I work on my feelings, as does he. I'm in a good place right now with lots of possibilities, but at the same time I would have loved to cuddle up around the fireplace this Christmas and ring in the new year with a new boo. But, it's all good because I know that my girls (kids and girlfriends) will have my back. And if I feel lonely my new vibrator that I will be gifting to myself for Christmas will take care of that! And also I have a gut feeling that next year will be great!


blkmsm@gmail.com

Giving It The Old College Try

So, I am at a crossroads in my life where I have many options in the dating arena, but for one reason or another the options have not been working for me. I've had some highs, and some really low lows. One thing I can certainly say was that I enjoyed stepping outside of myself as I explored my sexuality, and further drove it home that although my current situation was not ideal, I definitely did not want to be with my ex any longer. I do, however, want to experience real love. I'm not sure if I could go as far as far as to say I would like to be remarried, but I want a significant other, as well as to be significant to someone else.

So this guy I will call the Gentle Giant has been my very good friend for many years. Lost touch with him for almost 10 of those years, and as fate would have it we have been reunited. Our reunion would never had happened if it weren't for the fact that I was temporarily displaced from my home due to a natural disaster. Triumph through tragedy!

Well, we've been communicating a lot. At first it was a matter of rekindling our friendship. I began to realize how much I've missed us. He was the kind of guy I could tell anything, and he would always confide in me as well. No matter where I wanted to go he was always available to take me there. I remembered tutoring him in the library when we had finals. I remember us sneaking off campus to get some real food. I remember me and my girl sitting at his games and cheering him on. And I remember going to parties with him as my personal bodyguard. LOL! We were like brother and sister back then. So it never occurred to me that this man could ever carry romantic feelings for me now. I never saw him in that light, but I always wondered about that monster in his pants. Hey, who wouldn't want to see what a 10 inch dick looks like in person? LOL!

So here it is now, he as revealed to me that he knows I am a good woman, and he is in search of of someone like me. He told me that he enjoys his solitude, but still longs to be thought about. He told me his story about his troubled marriage and trifling ex-wife. This man lives for his two young sons. He works hard. He's honest. Since the day I've known him he's never seen the need to put on a front with me. He's always kept it 100% and I've loved him for that. He tells me I am beautiful. He tells me I am strong. He tells me words that comfort me when I am going through my downs. What more could a girl ask for??

But now, it is different. Crossing those boundaries into the unknown. Our friendship was always safe. Now, I've decided to wade into obscurity and allow him to court me. That's right, I said court me. This one is not about sex for me. I can get that (although sometimes not exactly when I want it). But I've learnt that there is more to life than just fucking. I want something meaningful, and I think I have a shot at that with him.

I'm excited and looking forward to how our relationship will develop. I also am looking very much to the first time we have sex, and I think my delaying it will make it that much more special. I'm very happy with my future prospects. Let's hope none of my exes won't screw it up for me. I see HSS, The Married Guy, and The Aquarian trying to reach out to me lately but this time, I'm really doing me!



blkmsm@gmail.com

When Your MAFS Are Unavailable

What are MAFS you ask? In short, it's a term I coined meaning Men Available For Sex. If you are like me, single and mingling (a lot), you will have a loyal list of MAFS that you turn to whenever the mood strikes you. There are MAFS who may have been your ex. MAFS you never quite gave the time of day until your crotch started jumping. MAFS who you liked well enough to go out with but never beyond that to say, be in a relationship with. They come in all shapes and sizes. Good looking guys who like you but not enough to want to get serious with you. Ugly guys you'd be caught dead with in public. Guys with big dicks who are dicks. Guys with not so big dicks who are really nice so you call them when you really don't want to be alone. Yes, there are MAFS for every occasion.

Last night I left an event feeling lonely and in need of some put me to sleep sex. So my MAFS list looked like this:
HSS - Emotionally unavailable
The Aquarian - Don't want him to think that I want him that badly
College Boo - Too far away
Married Ex - Don't want to risk him having a heart attack while we're having sex
The Aspiring Writer - Too far away and busy
The African Guy - Can't stand his ass
The Promoter Guy - He wants to hit it but I'm still debating if I should go there with him. (I need to tell y'all about him don't it?)

The Vanilla Guy - Don't want to see him at all!


So here it is, every single guy I have on my list was either unavailable, or I was not feeling them enough to make that booty call. The Promoter Guy I would have probably given a chance if I did not have to work early in the morning and if I'd remembered to shave the vajayjay. Now, I realize that my list needs some updating.  I'm in a time of my life where I realize that eventually I will need a Mr. Right, but on nights like last night I need a Mr. Right Now. One who is willing to roll out of bed and bundle up to come see me. One who will tell me to stop by the club on my way home for a torrid fling in the bathroom. One who will drive miles if necessary at a moment's notice.


There is an old friend I ran into the other day and we've been keep tabs on each other ever since. I was never attracted to him like that. Back in the day he was on the basketball team and me and my girl would drive all over the state with him and another guy friend and cheer them on. He said we were his personal cheer leaders. Yes We Were! We used to go out to parties too but never anything beyond that. I do know that his 6'7 tall dark chocolate self is packing a 10 inch monster. I know because he told me so. We were always very open with each other so something like that was nothing to us. I've always been curious and I guess now it's time for the curiosity to kill my cat. LOL! I saw the way he was looking at me. Yes sir!


blkmsm@gmail.com

We're Just Friends..Are We?

It's been a while since I haven't talked about my HSS. This was deliberate. We're in a very weird stage of our relationship right now. We haven't been physical since last summer, and really I've distanced myself from him in a way he was not accustomed to. But somehow in my keeping myself away from him he's always found some way to reach out to me. The last time I saw him was the weekend right before Halloween. He'd called me and informed me that he was not doing anything and wanted to take me to lunch. I was free that afternoon so I said why the hell not. We went out for a bite to eat and we spent hours just talking and catching up with each other.

 To say I did not enjoy being with him would be a lie. I enjoyed being with him under the capacity of a friend. But there was this unspoken awkwardness and tension between us. In my mind I knew that the physical us were over, and to be honest I did not want to pursue anything like that, but there were just subtle gestures on his part that made me feel very vulnerable. For one thing, I just happened to not wear a bra that day, very unusual, and although I had a sweater and a hood on he just couldn't resist to mention that he was aware of my bralessness. Then it started to snow and he became very playful, throwing bits of snow at me while we were taking a walk and then touching me with his bare hands under my sweater. These gestures did nothing but make me wonder if he somehow was trying to get physical with me again but since I gave him an ultimatum in September he had not come out openly and indicated that he wanted to get intimate again.

After we left he called me about 10 minutes after departing to say that he enjoyed being with me and that he was sorry it had been so long since we last saw each other. It felt rather sincere to say the least as I hadn't expected to hear from him for another few weeks let alone a few minutes.  I left wondering what the hell that was about, yet still enjoying the portion of our relationship I hadn't seen for many months: our friendship.

I went on about my life, not calling him, returning his texts, and remaining evasive with him whenever he would finally call me. He was the first person to text me Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. I'd never answer.  He'd call and always want to pry for more information on my goings on, to which I would just tell him that I was just busy. He asked me one day if I just didn't want to talk to him. I did not answer. I did want to talk to him. I just didn't want to let my guard down again. I knew that there was no way he would be able to sustain and prolong the sudden interest he had in me. Yet still, I wanted my friend. The friend I had back when we weren't busy sexing and arguing. I missed that part of us. I wanted that part of us.

But with all this I couldn't help but wonder if it was possible for us to ever be just friends again. I'm pretty good at maintaining boundaries and putting up a wall when I need to. But from what I see he's been trying to break them down. Earlier last week he called me a couple of times, wanting to talk about some personal issues he had going on. All I could do was say "yup" and "mmhmm" whenever he said something that needed a response. His sudden willingness to open up to me was not sitting well with me at this point. In addition, he'd always manage to send subliminal flirtatious messages. Like Saturday morning for example, when we had our last blow out....

I was laying up in my bed, luxuriating in the lateness of the morning, the great night I had prior, and the quietness of my home  as the children were gone. He texted me around 11:30 AM asking what I was doing. I told him I was enjoying myself in my bed. Yes, I did give myself a few orgasms, but I really meant that I was enjoying being able to laze about in bed. He did get very suggestive after that, at which point I told him that I wanted to speak to him, so he called. I asked him what was up, what role I played in his life, and where does he see us ending up. He asked me where I was coming from so I told him that his actions do not necessarily equate to someone  who was just a friend. I mean, when we went out that day he couldn't resist putting my braless state on blast and touching me beneath my clothes. Since then he has not been forward  but still would drop a few lines here and there that indicated he was still interested. Anyway, that is beyond the point now as all I wanted was to establish boundaries and confirm that we were friends and no more. He blows up on me saying that I was trying to spin things on him and blame him for my issues. He then says that he is not holding me back from moving on if that is what I wanted to do. The nerve of him! I told him that I did not need his permission to do anything in my private life, the only conversation I was having was about me and him, and I wanted to get it clear that I was not going to be in a yo-yo relationship any longer. It got heated until I basically hung up on him.

I was livid! I deleted his number from my phone, and all the texts we've had. Dick pics included. I have NEVER done that before in the history of me being involved with him. I am truly done! The whole thing was just stupid. I am beyond the stupidity. This entry will be the last time I will write about him or us in great detail. I'll reconsider it if he shows up to my door with a gun or roses. But as it is right now, he's history and I have moved on.


blkmsm@gmail.com

The Aquarian...Again

So it happened. I hooked up with the Aquarian again. We stopped seeing each other but we never really lost touch. He texts me most days. Some days I blow him off. He will become overly concerned if I don't respond, so I do. He calls me ever so often, that is if I pick up. I'll admit I don't see a future between us. Why? Once bitten, twice shy I guess. I told him during one of our conversations that he did not see me as part of his life, therefore he did not inform me when a crisis was happening in his life. I had to hear from his friend that there was a death in his family and then wait weeks til he finally called me himself. Anyway, he has constantly apologized but I have not gotten over it and I do not intend to. I told him that I still enjoy his company and we had great sex so I wouldn't mind going out with him every now and then.

And so it happened this past Saturday, after me going through a hellish week, he finally convinced me to go out with him. I did not have the kids and I had a little free time so I took up the offer. I met him at this old cinema that showed only adult films. It was very seedy to say the least. It was clean, yes, but the clientele that hung around seemed like they were ready to pounce on you the minute you walked in. As a matter of fact, the Aquarian said that a man had approached him and tried to take his belt off while he was waiting for me. LOL! Serves him right!

Anyway, the balcony section of the theater was closed off to couples only. We climbed the winding staircase and at the top we passed a lounge with leather sofas, and a bathroom to the rear. It appeared to be very clean. We passed that area and went towards the seats. It was very dark but we could still make out the figures.There were a few couples sprinkled here and there.  I did not see much action but I saw some kissing and heard some moaning. So we sat down at the front of the balcony section, and when we looked down to the bottom of the screen up front there were thirsty dudes just waiting to get some action. Then Mr. Aquarian wasted no time. He was already trying to get in my panties but Miss Smarty Pants wore skinny jeans with a tie belt that took a hell of a lot of wiggling to get out of. I managed to do so and his fingers began to #OCCUPY my warmth below. After some heavy tonguing and groping and other things I will not mention I was in his lap, my back pressed against him, and feeling his solid reminder of why I fell for him in the first place.

It was different, to say the least. I experienced a heightened sense of arousal knowing that I was in a public place, with others more than likely watching. I did not even bother putting my pants back on as I walked out in my sweater and boots and led him back to the lounge area where he put me on my knees and finished the job properly. Of course he did a spit and polish while he got his Happy Meal and I was in orgasm heaven! We got cleaned up and left. While getting dressed another couple walked past us and glimpsed me half naked. Surprisingly, I did not feel the least bit shy about it. Another one of my fantasies has been fulfilled by this man and I didn't feel  squeamish about it at all. While walking out we caught another couple getting busy on the balcony. Good for them

The night was still young and although I had to work the next morning I agreed to let him take me for a drink. I was not dressed up to go to one of the upscale clubs nearby, and neither was he. Being so, I let him take me to a nightclub in the hood that I had never been to before. A relative of mine frequents it, and I understand it was recently renovated.

It was clean. The clientèle was not as ghetto as I had imagined it would be. And hey, the drinks were cheap and good. I only had a cranberry vodka. He had about 3 or 4 Bud Limes. While we were enjoying our drinks we talked about us, what went wrong, and he expressed his desire to be with me again. I told him that I was a mess and I did not want to get serious right now. He asked me how I expected him to take me seriously when I did not want to get serious. I had no answer for him, except that I knew in my heart that I was not interested in being with him like that again. His final statement regarding that was that someone must have hurt me real bad. I said yes.

The music was popping! Old school hip hop, R&B, and reggae were pumping through the speakers. There were not many people on the dance floor, but everyone was bopping their head at least. We were hugged up and dancing the night away. I was really enjoying myself until a guy that looks EXACTLY like my ex walked in. He took a seat right next to where were standing at the bar. I froze. I felt my stomach tie up in knots. My stomach hurt so bad I turned pale. Almost immediately, the Aquarian asked me what was wrong. I told him I was tired and not feeling well. He asked me if I wanted to leave and at first I tried to soldier it out, but it came to a point where I could not take it any longer so he drove me back to my car.

Ever since then he has been insisting on seeing me, spending more time with me, doing things that couples do. I enjoy spending time with him, and I especially enjoy the wild. crazy sex we have. But I know that's just as far as it goes between us. I don't trust him. I know I have trust issues and once that trust has been violated, as far as I am concerned, everything coming out of your mouth is bullshit. So instead of driving myself crazy by doubting everything he says, I prefer not to get reattached. I will. however, keep tapping that dick as long as there's water in the pipes.



blkmsm@gmail.com

Earning The Red Wings

The college boo is back in town and asked if I was available tomorrow night. I told him that I was feeling unwell and was probably just gonna stay home and rest. I did tell him however to give me a call when he was in the area. The truth is, yes, I am not well, but I am on the rag.

So I asked a trusted friend of mine if she thought I should cancel on him because I have my period. She said no, I should tell him to come and get his red wings. I was like "WTF!!" LOL!!!!


Now, I am not an advocate of sexing during the red. I don't have anything against anyone who does. I am not saying that I have never bled during rough sex, nor have my period begin during an encounter. But to willingly and actively engage in sexual intercourse during the flow? Hell no!!!

I must admit that I am intensely horny at the very onset of my period. However, that feeling gets old real fast. I just can't imagine doing that for the mere fact that it is smelly. Who likes smelling blood? I sure as hell don't.

Now, I can see why some would like it. I mean, no need to use lube, right? Yech!!! Plus women are supposed to be very horny during this time. Can't deny that. Sorry, not messing up my good sheets. I can sleep on cum stains. Blood stains are a whole different matter.

Whatever, to each his own. I just know that is just one thing I will never do. Ever!!!

Would/have you?


blkmsm@gmail.com

One Of My Most Vulnerable Weeks To Date

This week was by far one of the worst I have had in the longest time! And not that any major negative event occurred  No! I was just feeling lousy. There are many unresolved issues at home. I feel as if individuals in my immediate support system are not pulling with me. I thought I would have been much further ahead by now as it  has been a year since I've been working. But not so. I feel alone in many of my struggles. But I've got so many good things going for me at the same time. In a year I've gotten back on track with my bills, I've been promoted, I've lost weight, I have an active social life, and I have quite a few suitors. So why the hell am I so depressed???

This entire week I have had the nastiest headache ever. My head feels as if it is spinning. I get dizzy. My blood pressure is elevated. I feel as if I am hyperventilating. I've lost 10 lbs in as many days. I am irritable. My mother said that I have become unapproachable. I am short with the kids, even though they have become quite nasty in the past few months. (A separate entry is required for this). They have become so horrible that I contemplated giving them up for adoption. I even contemplated getting back with their dad and going to counselling to work on our marriage. After that I contemplated suicide.

What the hell is wrong with me? This is not me at all. I am equating all this to mean that I am tired of being alone. Now even though I have my pick of men I would never bring any of them around my kids unless we were planning to get married. So this is what I want. I want to remarry. I want a partner to split the bills and dessert with, someone to make me tea when I am sick, or take turns checking on the kids when they are sick. Someone to help me with the gardening or picking out new paint. Someone to back me up when the kids are sassing me. And someone to steal a kiss from throughout the course of the day. Just someone to be there. Someone to be my rock. I don't have that. Sadly, not even from those closest to me. In all my pain my mother has never hugged me and told me things were going to be ok. I need that. I need someone who can tell me it's going to be OK, and to hold me and reassure me. Someone to comfort me and encourage me. And I want to do the same.

So, I think I am in marriage mode now. I'm ready.

blkmsm@gmail.com

How To Dine Beneath A Two Legged Table

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When Your Vagina Is Angry With You

Ever had a burning itch? Odor? Just a general feeling of being unwell down there? No, this is not a Vagisil commercial. This post is just a holla at my suffering sisters to remind you all to fear not! Vaginal infections are just as common and annoying as the cold and nothing to be ashamed of. I am currently down with BV (bacterial vaginosis) and I am wasting 5 good days out of my life inserting this gel; 5 good days that I could have been sexing my lover. Ironically, that was how I got it in the first place. My vajayjay does not always agree with condoms, so excessive use of such tends to throw off the PH balance which tends to result in a very angry and irritated coochie.

I've never been prone to yeast infections but did get one once when I was on a high dose of antibiotics and did not know that eating yogurt would prevent such. Other than that and a couple of UTI's when I was younger, I've been relatively incident free down there.  But for many women, it's like a nightmare. Recurring yeast infections and things of that nature tend to be an annoying part of their lives.


Some personal tips from moi include some which you already know but bears repeating:

• Loosen Up -  I'm guilty of wearing thongs, lace, and satin when the men friends come around but the cotton bikini is what I wear most of the time. Once HSS came over unexpectedly and he was shocked that I was wearing "granny panties" *rolleyes*. I told him if he had a problem with it he should take it off, and so he did..LOL!

• Cleanliness is next to godliness - personal hygiene goes a long way. Wipe front to back, change pads, tampons, panty liners frequently, and don't use regular soap down there. I use Summer's Eve as it is not irritating.

• Become a pro - at probiotics that is. The active cultures is supposed to promote the growth of good bacteria throughout your body. Since I've been regularly eating yogurt I have not had a single yeast infection.

Please, if you don't think something is normal down there get it checked out. Ignoring small problems can lead to larger ones such as  infection of the uterus and ovaries, as well as infertility. Also, it is not such a bad idea to have a full scale STD test if you are sexually active. I sure as heck got one! Below is what I believe are a couple of great links for women out there who suffer from these conditons:

Prevent Vaginal Infections
Types of Vaginal Problems
Pinpointing the Source of Vaginal Infections
Yeast Infections and Vaginitis - Causes, Symptoms, Treatment


blkmsm@gmail.com

What A Mess With HSS!!!

I don't even know what to say about him. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum and that ended the physical relationship for us. He has tried to holla after that but I have moved on beyond the booty call with benefits stage with him. I mean, a set up like that can only work if you are getting the booty after you call right? Unfortunately, that has not been the case for us.

So the last time I posted about us being intimate was the last time we were intimate. He has tried to come see me a few times after that but was always too tired or caught up in something else. After my brief fling with the Aquarian I had basically decided that I was on no uncertain terms going to ever lock down for a man who was not mine ever again. So after getting frustrated with HSS on Labor Day weekend I sent him a text saying that I wanted to see him on a certain night and if he did not show up I would know that he really has no desire to be with me and he would not hear from me for a very long time. Two days later he called asking me what the hell kind of threat was that. I told him I do not make threats, I simply let him know what time it was. I was getting frustrated with being put on the back burner. I am a single parent and my time is very limited, yet still if I find someone worthy of my time I will make arrangements to be with them. I have done so on numerous occasion for him, so I do not see why he could not do the same for me every so often.

I hung up on him after telling him bye in an acidic manner. Two weeks later he texted me in the midnight hours. I did not respond. That following morning he texted back and asked me how comes I did not respond to his texts. I told him I was busy. He called me the following Sunday but I was working a concert so again, I told him I was busy. He has not called me since. Now, I hope he sees what it is like when the shoe is on the other foot.

Make no mistake, I love this guy very much. Yes, he has issues, and yes, so do I . But my issues have never stopped me from loving him the best way I could. And now, I just want to be loved. I told him this in one of our conversations prior to me giving him the ultimatum. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to be dating a million guys. Yes, I am enjoying the attention and regular sex, but at the end of the day I want a man. I want someone to cook for, dress up for, and cater to in every other way possible as he mows the damn lawn, cleans the gutters, takes my car to the shop, and shows my girls what a good husband and father looks like. I cannot do it all by myself, and I am tired of doing it all by myself.

So now that I know what I want it becomes more obvious to me that he does not want the same, and so I am slowly healing and moving on. I'm really proud of myself for not caving and calling him over on those nights when I needed some but because my current lover lives far away I could not get any. Believe me, I've driven past his exit a number of times wanting to pass by his place but never have.

Saw this on my girl's FB and it rang so true:

"If he misses you, he'll call. If he wants you, he'll say it. And if he cares, he'll show it. If not, he can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth his. "


So that's where I am at folks. Waiting to see who misses me and who cares about me enough to show it. I have my eyes on a bigger prize now and I am praying that a job transfer here will bring us together!

blkmsm@gmail.com

The College Boo Reunion

So let me start off by saying, that this guy here would have been THE ONE, had I not already been involved with the STBE. We get along great! Never had a disagreement that we could not talk through and resolve, and he is smart andsexy as all get out!!

We met in my sophomore year of college and were good friends onwards. To be honest, I always had a crush on him but never pursued because I was either on lockdown or lacking confidence. I mean, I was just a plain Jane compared to those other hot girls who dressed like they were going to the club when going to class. I was a sneakers, t-shirt, and jeans type of gal. I would rather be caught dead than wear high heels on campus.

Anyway, we always had a connection, but it was not until our senior year that we really connected. I don't know how, but I ended up spending time in his apartment. I had been briefly single but were just platonic friends at that point. One night we went out to a sports bar in town and partied with our friends, and I was too drunk to drive home and ended up in his bed. It was no mistake that I ended up there though, as I have always been attracted to him and figured that it was time for me to find out what he was made of.

We dated that entire summer, not just sexing either. He took me to dinner on a couple occasions, we went to the movies, and he took me home and introduced me to his grandma. But at the end of that summer he was gone. He went out of state to go to grad school, and I was stuck at home unemployed with a bunch of student loans to begin paying off. I got scared because I was never one to pretend that I could maintain a long distance relationship and I wanted more. I was having baby fever in the worst way. So, I got back with the STBE after a string of failed relationships. I had some difficulty conceiving at first so it was not until years later that we had our first child, which I never regretted one bit. I just regretted that I did not wait for the college boo.

We reconnected a few months ago, and he shared with me that he wanted more that he could not find where he was living now. He wanted to settle down and build a life with someone who bore similar characteristics to me. I was very flattered to say the least. I've never thought of him as more than just a friend. Even when we were dating I never believed that we would go beyond that. I just thought he was too good for me. He said he didn't like hearing me say that I let him go because I didn't believe he would come back to me. So all this blew me away and I decided that maybe I should just go out with him once to see what I had been missing.

He was in town the weekend after his birthday in August. I decided I was going to go all out as I wanted to make this really special. I got us a suite at a very nice hotel and I got ready there. When I was dressed and waiting in the lobby, the girl that had been working the front desk told me that I was looking amazing and she questioned me about my plans. I told her that I was meeting an old friend for dinner. She gave me that sly "I know what you're up to" kind of smile and I winked at her and went outside to meet him.

He pulled up in his brand new coupe and OMG my heart skipped 10 beats. LOL! He was as fine as he was __ years ago! We hugged and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me I looked wonderful and he didn't want to ruin my makeup. I told him that he hadn't changed a bit. I did though. I look hot now compared to years ago. We talked and caught up until we got to the restaurant: this chic pan-Asian restaurant in Downtown. Dinner was fabulous and followed by drinks at an upscale lounge nearby. He was exhausted from his journey and we decided to call it a night- a very early one at that as we left after 10PM.

We got back to the suite  and I left him to go freshen up. By the time I got out the powder room he was already undressed down to his t-shirt and boxer briefs (which fit him very well...). I said "oh well", and removed my pants and crawled under the covers with him. We spooned for a while until he started kissing me and caressing me, then he finally asked me why I was turned away from him. I turned to face him, we stared into each others eyes, then he took my chin and kissed my lips. After that, I don't have to go into much details.

I thought it would have been amazing, but it brought back memories of why I did not pursue a relationship with him in the past. The brother has a very nice dick, and it is a decent size too, but he could never please me. He would stop a lot while I was just getting into the groove of things. Also, he does not seem to have a lot of endurance. I was sad. To make matters worse, he does not eat the cho-cha. I do not require it all the time, I can go months without it, but you'd better get down there and start vacuuming when I say it's dusty. Point is, I like to be pleased, because I like to please as well. It would seem as if he is into one-sided sexual pleasure, which is a deal breaker for me.

Dare I say that if we should end up together I would try to break him out of his no foraging shell? Instruct him on how to fuck me enough to make me satisfied? Yes, yes, and why? Because despite his lacking in the bedroom department he is a keeper. He's hardworking, honest, reliable, good looking, has a great sense of humor, and has been a great friend to me for as long as we've been friends. I've learnt through much trial and error that usually the men who could make you lose your senses in the bedroom often made you lose your senses elsewhere. In other words, you can't have it both ways. My STBE was a little selfish in the beginning of our relationship but he learnt quickly that if he kept me happy then he would be happy. Sex is and always has been very important to me. Good sex that is.

So what's next with the college boo? Well, we both agree that long distance relationships aren't our cup of tea. He is actively trying to move back this side of the world. If he does then I would give him a chance to show me that we have something going on. Shit, I'd marry him and have his babies in a heartbeat if he asked me. You all KNOW that is a huge deal for me right? LOL! I asked him to be my date for an office function next month and he agreed. I don't want to read into anything too soon, but I know he must really be into me if he is willing to dress up in a tuxedo and sit through one of these boring office parties with complete strangers just for me. He has said on more than one occasion that he likes being with me and he misses me. The feeling is definitely mutual here.

So, should I go for it if the opportunity presents itself?



blkmsm@gmail.com

Some Cream For My Coffee, Please!

So one Friday night a couple months ago, I made plans with a girlfriend to hit the nightclubs. She was booed up with this hunky Polish guy we met in the club for my birthnight celebrations and was taking him. I was not excited to be the third wheel so I went through my phone and called up this vanilla guy I had been talking to for a while. I believe I mentioned the single  date we went out on a few months ago. It so happened that another girlfriend of mine was going out in the same area with this vanilla guy that had been pursuing her. So, all three of us decided to meet up with our dates in the only Jamaican lounge in Downtown. This place is frequented by, you guessed it, Jamaicans. There are usually a few sprinkles of cream there but they cater to a predominantly upscale Hip-Hop, R&B, and Reggae crowd.

So my girl and her Polish dude were already there early. They stuck out like a sore thumb. My date wasn't expected to be there until near closing time. My other friend and her dude got there a little late and the bouncer wouldn't let her guy in because he had a T-shirt on. Yeah right! There were other black men in there dressed in T-shirts. Reverse discrimination anyone? Eventually we were able to butter him up and he let her friend in.

 Finally, my date shows up but he was too afraid to enter the club by himself. [Insert rolling eyes here]. I met him around the corner and walked him in with no problems. Of course the bouncer was giving us the evil eye as we went in. I ordered him a gin and tonic (his favorite) and we chatted for a while. I felt the stares and whispers all around us. Earlier, I ran into a few female friends and I had been chilling with them and dancing with them prior to my date's arrival.  Now, they were not as accommodating as they were earlier. Side glances galore!

So I decided I'd had enough and took my guy and we left. I walked him to the basement garage and we were trying to decide what to do next, but to be truthful, it had been about 6 weeks since I's gotten laid and all I wanted to do was fuck. We started some very serious tonsil hockey. The windows were already fogged up and I was ready. So like a soldier, I never travel without my gear. The condom was out and his cock [white guys love this word apparently] was hard. But for some reason, although he wanted to do it I think he was very uncomfortable with the impromptu sex. He appeared to be startled whenever a car passed. So, he just couldn't maintain an erection long enough to get it in. I guess I can say I went third base with him but didn't make it to the home plate.

I was pissed to say the least! Felt as if I wasted my frikking time! I don't know what I was expecting that night but I know I was at least expecting to get laid. He didn't even dance with me once as he claims he has two left feet. As it is right now I have no desire to be with him, or to see him again. He calls every now and then, but I ignore his calls. I could tell he was uncomfortable in that setting. I did not feel uncomfortable when I was out with him. But to think about it, black folks tend to be a lot less tolerant of interracial dating than white folks are. The way they eyed us (my girlfriends and I along with our dates), I am not so sure if I could handle the judgmental stares on a regular basis. Particularly with someone who is uncomfortable doing things I enjoy doing, like dancing to some Travis Porter. LOL! I think if I were to ever get my swirl on again it would have to be with a man who has a deep appreciation for my heritage, who makes me forget that he is from a different cultural background.  Not a man who makes me feel awkward to be with him in a setting that is familiar to me.

blkmsm@gmail.com

It's Raining...Men

Life has been so hectic lately! As I said before, I have been busy with work, family (drama), and my men.

Almost every weekend in August I have been on dates with different men. September would have played out the same had I not had so much drama going on in my life.  HSS is not in the picture right now, more on him later. The married ex, um, more on him too.The Aquarian is somewhat in the picture as well, at least he is TRYING really hard to get it in. And oh yes, I finally got to hook up with my college boo. I say I was gonna keep my options open didn't I? So here's a brief intro to two of my suitors.

 

Mr. Africa

He was one of the first few men who responded to my profile on this dating website. I kinda blew him off initially because I found him to be too wordy and somewhat positioned himself as this man of greatness because of his achievements and his belief in charity and community service. Even though I blew him off, he was persistent. We exchanged emails while I was seeing the Aquarian. Somewhere during that time he pretty much convinced me to talk to him on the phone. My initial feelings were right. He was indeed a chatterbox. I hate it when people talk too much. So much so that I could not get a word in edgewise. He would keep cutting me off mid-sentence. I addressed him on it right away and he admitted that was one of his main faults. He gets so excited during a conversation that he forgets that the other person is speaking. But he coined me as a bass mistress. Meaning I like to sport fish. And right he is. I explained to him that some fish you throw back, some you eat, and others you cherish forever as they hang on a plaque on the wall. He wanted to know which category he fell in and I told him that time will reveal that answer.

So anyway, we start speaking more, READ: once a week. He still could not keep our conversations to under half an hour so I avoided his calls when I was really busy. He texts here and there and I keep it brief with him. At some point since the past couple months he has been listening to me as I fill in him in little personal details of my life. Not everything now, just what I wanted him to know. And he knows that my children are my world.

So when I decided I was through with the Aquarian a couple months ago I decided that I would meet him in person and see if we hit it off. Before I even told him I wanted to meet him he was inviting me on a getaway to Mexico. I declined even though I really could use a vacation. I have some new bikinis I wanted to wear before summer ended. LOL. But seriously, it was just too soon.

After cancelling and rescheduling a few times we finally met up one Friday after work.We went to a sushi bar and I had one of those lovely rolls with a lychee martini on the side. The conversation was good and I have to say I enjoyed myself. I just don't feel the sparks with him. He is handsome, just not as tall as I would like. (Why do I keep getting the itty bitty men?) He dresses nicely, wears what I assess to be a $2,000 watch, has excellent taste and manners. He is intelligent. In a great job. Teaches Sunday school. Active in Big Brothers/ Big Sisters. Not afraid to get in touch with his feminine side. And he loves kids. Oh yes, he would like to have his own someday. Y'all know that is the deal breaker for me right?

Why is it that the nearly perfect guy is not the one for me? We ended the dinner with an awkward hug. He did not want to let go. He said he really liked me and he wants to see me again. So I met up with him at an Indian buffet a few weeks after. (He picked again!) We had a great time still. I decided I like him, but not enough for him to be the one. He calls me ever so often wanting to know when we will have some alone time. I have yet to respond.



The Aspiring Writer

He is an enigma. This guy dresses like a thug, yet he speaks like with such intellect. He does not use slang and speaks plain English. He is a navy veteran, college educated, but unfortunately he is also broke. I met him when he was in between jobs. He found one now, a security job, that pays great overtime. I know the economy is rough right now, and a job is a job but I hope that he eventually does something to achieve his dreams of being a successfully published author.

We have been getting to know each other for the past three months. We went out on a date in August, but because of the distance between us (an hour) and the hectic nature of my life I have not been out with him until late last month when he brought drinks over and we snuggled up on the couch and had a movie date. That was the first time I had een intimate with him and I absolutely loved it. I went to his place this past Sunday and it was only better than the first. The brother can make a sister happy!!!

We get along great, we connect, and the sex is just fabulous! But I know deep down within me that the attraction begins in the corners of his mind and end in the seat of his pants. The comic books, anime, video games, and occasional weed smoking really do not cut it for me. I would like to settle down with a grown man for once, I am so done with overgrown boys. I really do like him. But that is it for me.


There's a lot more juice to this cocktail and I will follow up as soon as I can.

blkmsm@gmail.com

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I must apologize to you all for the lengthy delay in between my posts. September has been a very crazy month for me. Between work, my family, and my men I had so much going on all at once. Thankfully, the fast pace ended today and so will my brief hiatus. I promise I will catch up with you all soon. I have to fill you in on all that has been going on in installments. It's raunchy, juicy, and emotional. In the meantime, I invite you to jam to my theme song for this past month:

10 Steps To Surviving Single Motherhood

I must first apologize for the lengthy delay between my posts. I have been extremely busy! Busy with my life. You know? Work, kids, home, and men! Last week marked the first anniversary of my journey as a single parent. I took the day off as a day of recollection, but got swamped with many personal errands I had to run.

As in the case of most of us, I did not choose this path for myself. I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting to have children after I have married. That has proven useless. In this one year, I have learnt so much about being independent and dependent at the same time. I've learnt when to put my big girl britches on, and when to let the tears flow freely like a baby's. Below are 10 things I learnt about how to survive being a single mother.



Build Your Team 

You will need a solid team of individuals behind you. The "I told you so" and "He was no good" does not make the situation any easier. Surround yourself with positive individuals. Some on the inner circle of your life, and some on the outskirts. Root out the naysayers and the untrustworthy. You feed off the energy others send so it is important to surround yourself with the right kid of energy.

Be Independent

Self sufficiency is the aim of the game. You want to be able to take care of your kids and live a little every now and then. The job market is rough right now but try to align yourself in one where you can acquire transferable skills. And don't hang your eggs in one basket. Hustle. If you have side ventures going, you will weather the storm better if you should somehow lose your main source of income.

Ask for Help

Contrary to the above post, we have to depend on others at times. No man is an island. And neither is woman. We need help from time to time. If you try to go it alone you WILL fail. Trust me. No one ever got where they are on their individual merits.


 Be Fearless

Get rid of your fear and do something you've always been afraid to do. Go back to school and get that degree you've been thinking about. Start that business others said would never get on the ground. Get that haircut he did not want you to get. Wear a bikini if you feel so inclined. I like Nike's slogan: Just do it!


Pray

I know not everyone believes in the same deity if any at all, but there is something comforting in knowing that a bigger force is operating in your life. For those of us who believe in God, Allah, Buddah, whoever, we pray to the great one because it decompresses our thoughts, hopes, anxieties. It sends it out there into the universe with a relief of having shed some of our burden and with the expectation of having it heard and returned to us in the form of granted favors. Kind of a simplistic view on prayer, but it would be comparable to paying a shrink to listen to you for an hour, and only to have left with the answers you've figured out for yourself in the space of that time.


Get Organized

Your life, if it was not hectic before, is now out the bazoo crazy! You are doing the job of not one, but two. And if you ascribe to the village and child theory, then you are doing the job of an entire village. So you will need to have your stuff together so you can function and be efficient. Your time is your most precious resource. It is very limited and must be split a number of ways so learn to use it wisely.


Time Out

Yes, there will be times when you feel overwhelmed. Times you feel like you're just going to lose it. I've blogged about a few of those times here on this site. But it's ok. Take the time you need for yourself to rest, recuperate, regroup, and rejoin the battlefield. Life is a constant battle, and if you are constantly fighting you will get burnt out. Don't feel guilty for taking some time for yourself. Every once in a while you should do something for yourself. Go partying with your girlfriends, or take a weekend getaway by yourself.

Recently I checked into a luxurious suite just a few minutes away from my house.  That night, I slept on a cloud! I felt like a new woman as I left that hotel. I felt ready to face the crap that was ultimately destined to be thrown at me. It was one night of solitude, peace, and quiet, and I swear I am going to do it as often as I can.


Don't Worry. Be Happy

We spend so much of our time worrying it's unbelievable. I myself am a worrier and it is no wonder I suffer from high blood pressure. I will sleep and wake with the same thoughts of "what if's" and "how can I do this". We have to train ourselves to believe that everything will be ok once we do what we need to get done. My mantra is to do what I can, when I can, for as long as I can, and leave the rest up to God.



Let Go

One way of moving forward with your life is to let go of the past. I have come to a point where I talk about my STBE less and less. I sometimes find myself forgetting some painful events between us in the past. I don't get that tightness in my chest and gall in my throat the way I did before. I have moved on. And to what I understand it is clear to EVERYONE that I have moved on. I am glowing and showing like I never did before. I'm not happy but I am getting there. I've learnt to let go and let God.


Get Out There

Not saying you should rush to find the next Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now. What I am saying is that you should network with your friends to find out what kind of market it is out there so when you feel ready you know how to charm someone. It is a skill some are blessed with naturally, but most of it is from trial and error. Go out and enjoy meeting random strangers. Get your flirt on. It is a confidence booster to have someone interested in you so much that they would wanna try to get to know you. There is nothing more shameful to me than social awkwardness, particularly in dating. I have a friend who just cannot land a second date ever because she has been off the market for so long and has no clue whatsoever about wooing the opposite sex.  SMDH!!!

Survival Bonus: Breathe

Literally. When we are tense our breaths become rapid and short. We do not get enough oxygen to our lungs. Our heart races to pump blood even faster to circulate oxygen throughout our body. So we have headaches, elevated blood pressure, dizziness, and a general feeling of being unwell as a result of this. Take the time to practice deep breathing. Train yourself to recognize when you are being agitated and slow your breathing.


blkmsm@gmail.com

We Fought And We Freaked

And so it was that he has come back into the picture. HSS. Not totally. More like a partial eclipse. We have come to a mutual understanding I think. We will never be rid of each other. It took and entire night of fighting to get there, and fucking to nurse the wounds from the fighting.

I had mentioned that he contacted me a couple Saturdays ago, saying that he wanted to see me and wanting to know if we were really through. We had agreed on a late dinner, as I was busy running around with the kids all day. So we met up, and got some food. I was so tense and uncomfortable. I did not even order anything, I just picked off his plate (which annoyed him ...LOL!). Eventually we went back to my place.

I was past the point of expecting anything great, just going with the flow. I left him to go take a shower, a long one at that, so I could get relaxed. When I returned, we talked. We talked, and we argued. He called me selfish for telling him I was done with him because he was emotionally unavailable when he was going through his thing. He told me that he went to a therapy session with his mother to deal with some abandonment issues that he had. He definitely sounded a lot better since the last time I saw him. He'd put on some weight though and did not hesitate to call himself fat. I did not feed into it and ignored the comments.

The issue of me seeing others came up. He said that his ego was still finding it hard to accept but at the same time it would be selfish of him to not expect me to want to see others. He admitted that he was unavailable due to his hectic schedule, and until he was done with his degree and settled into a decent job it will probably remain hectic. He did indicate that down the road he would be open to becoming more serious, but right now he was incapable of doing so.

He talked about me and my tone of voice when I speak to him. I admit, I do come across as being bossy and according to him, a know it all. He said it was as if I was talking to my kids and I needed to realize that he is a grown man. I tried to tell him that I do not mean any disrespect and most times I do not even realize how I may come across to others. It was futile. He still went on and on til he ignored me and would not respond to my questions. I got up and walked out on him a couple of times. Went to sleep for an hour then got up and went back to him and we argued some more. After all the arguing I decided it was fruitless. He was in my home. It was very late. I was exhausted but super horny. I was determined to have my ever present thirst placated. I was going to get some. I walked back out to the den where he was watching TV and I asked him if he intended to have sexual relations with me that night.

He laughed at my very blunt and to the point question and then countered with a statement that led to our second major disagreement. He said he was bordering on categorizing our relationship as one of two things: a genuine friendship where we express our love for each other physically from time to time, or just a sexual arrangement. I responded by telling him that I thought we had a sexual arrangement and we were friends as well. I told him it had been a while for me and I was in need, so here he was and here I am and I was ready. He went on for a while, accusing me of treating him like a piece of meat, and saying that he was not even sure if we should continue with this so I relented and retreated to my bedroom hoping he would join me soon, which he did.

I had my back turned to him as he fiddled with the remote. Eventually I felt his hands wander all over my body, caressing me in the most intimate places. I was mad. I hate arguing. I did so for nine years with my STBE and here I was doing the same with a man I was not committed to. It was emotionally draining, and my body was so stiff. But the stiffness did not last too long as I found myself melting in the warmth of his touch. I turned my body to face him as he slowly kissed me, making a trail down my anatomy. He finally stopped at my fertile crescent, softly kissing each side of my triangle, and then parting my engorged lips like an unfurling flower, after which he dove in and feasted on the sweet nectar from my stigma. I moaned as I felt my inner thighs quiver with each flicker of his soft, warm, tongue. Needless to say, I was in heaven. Total bliss.

We made love to Sade's "No Ordinary Love" playing in the background. I was not even aware of it at first, but mid-thrust he stopped and stared into my eyes, shook his head, and laughed. I guess he agreed with Sade. When we climaxed I was in tears. He asked me over and over if I was OK. I kept insisting I was fine, but the truth is that I did not know if I was. I did not know what was to become of us, since neither one of us wants to end this. He held me close to him and I listened to his heart beating, trying to see if it was in sync with mine.

We rested for a little while and went back at it until about mid-morning when he told me he was going to be late for work. I did not want to stop. I wanted to go on forever, but I knew I could not. We showered and parted ways with a kiss. And now we are back in limbo. I have not called him since. I know that this is as far as it goes with him. As long as he is feeling unsettled, we will be unsettled. There is no denying that we love each other very much. But sometimes love is not enough. I will keep him close to me as I continue to keep my options open.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Don't Be Anal About Anal

Before I proceed, please throw out all preconceived notions about anal sex. It is important to mention that anal sex in the African American community is still considered taboo because it is thought of as an act that means a man is a homosexual. A man and a woman having sex is not gay!

So, what do I know about cruising on the chocolate highway? A little and a lot. I am not big on it but I like doing it every so often. Read: years in between. Trouble with that is that every-time was like the first time.  I do have limitations though. I am not into tossing salads! Another post for another day. Neither am I into fingers going up there. I enjoy safe and responsible pleasure, and there is a way to make anal sex safe and pleasurable.


Do Your Prep Work

Now, if you are adventurous and love living on the wild side then spontaneous anal may appeal to you. But, the truth is, the anus is where your input goes out. Unless you're comfortable with seeing bits of your lunch on your man's thingy, take a dump, or even better, do an enema. Take a good shower after, and scrub down there well. Your ass should not smell like ass

Wrap It Up Please

Protect yourself. Anal sex, any sex for that matter, is very risky. The probability of HIV acquisition by the receptive partner in unprotected anal sex with an HIV carrier is higher than vaginal or even oral sex. Keep it safe! In addition, remember that the anus is a host environment for bacteria and we wouldn't want to transmit an E. Coli outbreak or kidney and bladder infections. Please, take both your partner and yourself into consideration.


Lube

Your anus does not lubricate like your vagina does. Use some form of lubrication. Lots of it! No fellas, spit is not sufficient. And for Christ's sake do not use petroleum jelly or baby oil! Astroglide is my all time favorite! Very silky and makes for a friction free time.


Loosen Up

Anal sex will hurt if you are not relaxed. That muscle will tighten so much that you can bend a spoon up there. You have to be completely aroused  before this takes place. Do NOT forgo forplay. It is important to remain completely relaxed during this process. I like to get my regular freak on to the point of orgasm then transition to anal. I also like my clitoris stimulated during the act. Some people like to use the butt plug pump.....I will not delve into this one. (*chuckles*) The lining of the anus is very thin and bleeding can occur easily if penetration is forced so go slowly if you must.

Smooth sailing!


blkmsm@gmail.com

The Trouble With Open Relationships

I thought that was the answer. To have a honest, open relationship. No sneaking around. Sex on demand, with whomever we consented to. Fine. Then why is it so hard?

I find myself already being challenged with situations that bring about pangs of jealousy. Why? It's stupid I know, but it boils down to my own insecurities. I am not jealous. Jealousy is a culmination of other emotions. So is anger. I am none of those things. I am mostly fearful that his feelings for me are waning, even though I know that is not the truth. I am afraid that he has been lying to me and toying with me, which again I know is not true as he has been consistent up to this point. I am worried about him chasing some tail while I have dicks being thrown in my face, literally, but I have not taken advantage. My friend said that was the problem. I needed to stop being closed and become more open. I did not see the need to see anyone else initially

So yes, I have the option of being with more than one person. But really, I don't want to see anyone else. All I really want to do is enjoy him, and his company. Unfortunately, due to our busy schedules we have not been able to see each other. We make plans and something always comes up. It is a problem in any relationship, but it is more so a problem in an open relationship. I don't know what is going on with him, and even though I know it is not necessarily so, that little birdie in my ear is telling me that he is with someone else.

Then most recently something, though I am not sure exactly what it is, has been going on with him. We have not been communicating as we normally do, which is very unlike him,  so I am clueless. And this has done nothing but heighten my insecurities which where there from the beginning anyway.

So with all things in consideration, I have decided that I do not have the emotional fortitude to maintain a relationship of this type. This is not for me. And so I have come to the conclusion that I am done with The Aquarian. No negative feelings or ill will involved.


I think all I want now is what I have always wanted: good sex on the regular and occasional companionship. On to the next one.


blkmsm@gmail.com

More Ex Encounters

So here I am, minding my own damn business. I pretty much keep a low profile these days. Haven't been out anywhere. I am between work and at home with the kids. I haven't even called anyone. I only call the Aquarian and my mother. And still the calls/texts/messages keep coming from exes (read guys who I have dated or had relations with in the past. Not counting the Aquarian, I've only been in 3 serious relationships in my life).


The Married Ex

Since he called me at my job about 10 days prior I did not call him. Lo and behold Friday night he calls. That is unusual for him, because Friday night is his family night. He was there hemming and hawing, said he thought I was going to call him to keep the agreement we made last time. I told him that I did plan on calling him, exactly two weeks after he called me. That was what we had agreed to. He asked why I had to be so precise. I cut him short and asked him to what I owed the pleasure of his call. He asked if I was interesting in getting a cup of coffee sometime. I am not a coffee drinker, so I told him a light lunch would do. I did not set a date with him and did not project a sense of urgency to do so. He asked me to keep a specific day open next month. I promised him that I would. A promise is a comfort to a fool.

The Gentle Giant

I call him the gentle giant because he was soooo tall but very gentle. He was 6'7, I am 5'. He said I was the shortest girl he was ever with. I believe him. LOL! I had the biggest crush on him back in the day. I was with HSS at the time and I was very faithful. It was not until we had broken up that I decided to finally sample a piece of his chocolate goodness. I sampled him twice. And left. And did not call him. It was not until years later that we found each other on the internet. Since then he has been kind of distant and now I know why.

Recently I posted a photo of my new bikini body on my FB. His tongue got to wagging and he left a comment indicating so on it. I ignored it for a while until he cornered me in chat and basically told me that I was the only girl who ever used him for sex.  He claimed he had feelings for me and was hoping it was the same for me. I did have feelings for him. But I also recognized very early on that it was just a crush and he would get on my nerves. Oh yeah, I moved over a thousand miles away so I was not into the long distance thing.

He asked if he could call me and I gave him my number. Told him it was not my intention to hurt him but I did not know he was feeling the way he was. He then asked me if it was just about the sex to me. To be truthful, it wasn't, but it was the main thing. The sex was great but he was probably the only man I ever slept with who refused to go downtown and that is an instant disqualification in my books! Our conversation was great until he indicated he would like to see me on my next trip home. I am done messing with discarded files in the recycling bin. On to the next one!


HSS

I did not tell you all about the recent  fallout between us. He called me two Saturdays ago, as he seems to always do. The conversation was very unlike that of previous times. It was as if he wanted to say something and would not. I got fed up with his evasiveness. That day I asked him what his intentions were for me. Why is he still trying to act as if we were cool, when there were lingering issues that needed to be addressed between us? I called him on it. I confronted him and he pretty much got off the phone as fast as he could.

Instead of calling back I decided to shoot him an email, which I knew he would read at some point. In the email I told him that I knew he was going through a lot of things, but it still did not excuse him shutting me out.I also blasted him about sending the sexts when I asked him to stop. I let him know that I was sick of his mixed signals. I was past the point of being that kind of friend. I was ready for something serious, and it was clear that I was not it for him. I told him I did not need a rebuttal, just an acknowledgement that he got it. I got no such response. Two days later I sent a text asking him if he was going to ignore me. He sent back an angry reply asking me what was wrong with me, telling me I was not the only one with issues, and informing me that he was working 12-14 hour days for a week straight. I did not respond.

So this past weekend I hopped in the shower on that very hot, steamy Saturday nigh,t taking my third shower for the day. I come out the shower and see my phone blinking, indicating that I missed a call. I checked the call log and discover that he had called 5 minutes earlier but left no message. I called back and left a voicemail telling him that I was just returning his call. He called back about 10 minutes after. What he had to say floored me.

He first asked me how I was doing. I was very curt with him and he realized it. He then decided to not beat around the bush for once and said he wanted to know where he stood in my life, because he did not want to lose me again. As I said, I was floored. I asked him what he thought. After everything I was just tired. I told him that have started seeing other people. He said that he had some free time this week and would like the opportunity to see me, just to talk. I told him to call me and let me know when. I did not tell him yes or no. A friend urged me to go and show him how fabulous and happy I was. I might do just that.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Are You Dickmatized?

Today I flipped through a copy of Sister to Sista. I don't usually read this one but the cover caught my eye. Jill Scott basically claimed that some good dick got her in a bad mess. She was, as she puts it, dickmatized. She also claims that all women have been dickmatized at one point or another in their lives. Do I agree with her? Most definitely.


Here are a few ways to help identify when you have been dickmatized:






1. Your Phone Is Your Frenemy

You constantly keep your phone on you, clutching it tight to your chest as you sleep. Taking it to the bathroom to you when you go do a # 2. Every chirp causes your heart to skip a beat. You feel a sudden rush of endorphins and when you realize it was just junk mail or a text from some lame dude you have been avoiding, your heart sinks deep in your chest. You then feel rage sweep through your body, because you know what you are doing is stupid. You want to throw your phone against the wall, but decide against it just in case you miss his call.

You have been dickmatized.

2. You Neglect Your Loved Ones

You have no down time. New dick will have you constantly shopping for new lingerie, sexy clothes, fuck me shoes. Good dick will have you in the nail shop getting that mani pedi and at the salon getting waxed. You literally live in the hair salon because all that fucking is messing with your 'do. All that primping to get laid is taking away valuable down time you would normally be spending with those closest to you. Not to mention the fact that your houseplants have all died. Oh, they were fake? They still look like they dried up.

You have been dickmatized.

3. You Go Broke For Love Lust

All that primping and clubbing and money spent on hotel rooms do add up. You notice that he has not paid for a meal since the first date. Under the guise of searching for good parking, he lets you go in and purchase the movie tickets and never pays you back for his portion. Let us not forget that he asked you to loan him some money to pay his rent. He said he would have paid you back 2 months ago but every week something new comes up. Your credit cards are maxed out, and so is your patience.


You have been dickmatized.

4. You Can't Talk About Him With Your Girlfriends

Remember when you used to tell your girlfriends that they were fools for putting up with so and so because they were doing so and so? Remember how you called their men every dirty name in the book? And now you can't tell your friends about him because he isn't the Prince Charming you once thought he was? You can't even hang with your girls like you used to because you are so afraid that they will bring him up.

You have been dickmatized.

5. His Redeeming Qualities Aren't As Redeeming As They Once Were

You overlooked his lying to you about how much money he made because you rationalized that he was probably just afraid and wanted to impress you. You say, well, he doesn't own the car wash but at least he has a job! He's a hard worker. He's held down the same job for 5 years. You then find out that he is still mooching off his mama, his side hoes, and now you. You start to catch him lying about everything, even the weather.

You have been dickmatized.


6.  You Go In Stalker Mode

You are on all his social network accounts, browsing his friends and contacts. You're checking his comments on FB. You try to find out when was the last time he logged in. You try to hack into his email. You not only Google him, as you probably did the first night you met him, but you actually pay for a background check. You check his phone when you get the opportunity. You try to go on his ex girlfriend's page. You drive by his house at odd hours. You time him as he leaves work and follow him around town after.

You have been dickmatized.



Don't just leave. Flee! Retreat! According to Jill iin her interview with Sister to Sista:

“Where you get caught up in the whole sexuality of your relationship but it’s not going anywhere… Just somebody giving you the goods but not necessarily giving you the rest-or not expecting the rest from them. What I’ve discovered is, although it may be a lot of fun, it is also a waste of time and you might be blocking your blessing-blocking somebody who wants to be more to you than just a great time in your life.”

I've been dickmatized for a long time, most recently with HSS. I let my love of the dick cause me to overlook some serious flaws in our relationship. If I didn't decide to expand my horizons I would not have met The Aquarian. I don't know if he is the end all, be all, for me but I am enjoying being treated like I want to be treated for once in my life.  My sisters, I charge you all to remove blessing blockers in your life. It is hard but believe me, there is nowhere to go but up when you are down.

blkmsm@gmail.com