Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Lord Have Mercy!!!

Guys, I have logged on almost every single day wanting to blog all about my recent adventures. Sooooo much has been taking place. I don't know where to begin and I do not know exactly how much I want to share. I am sorry, I can't share all the juicy details but I shall try to fill you in as much as I can.

The Aquarian has been almost too perfect. He calls me EVERY SINGLE MORNING. Checks in with me throughout the day. Says the right things. Does nice things. And laaaawd the man is a freak!!! We hit it off almost instantly when we met, and it seems that our similarities just keep growing. He is wild, exciting, hardworking, caring, attentive, a great father, everything I could ever ask for in a man. I swear, I could see myself falling for him. I am trying to fight the feelings and just enjoy getting to know him but it's so hard. It's so intense, every time we see each other we just can't keep our hands off one another. I have NEVER been a PDA kind of person but with him it is just so easy to get carried away.

This past weekend we spent together was amazing. Luckily the girls were going away to see their dad so I was practically free all weekend. We decided earlier in the week to go Latin dancing. He took it a notch further and decided to make it an overnight trip 2 hours away to his hometown just outside of NYC. He wanted to introduce me to two of his best friends.  If it was one thing I was told about Aquarian men, their friends are very important to them and if their friends do not like you, chances are the will drop you.

So anyway, we met up late Friday evening and drove down. Checked into a hotel and met up with one of his friends at the club. The friend was very nice. Attractive. Spoke fluent French and Spanish. And he taught me how to bachatta. We drank and we danced and then we left and went back to the room to wait for the other friend to come. Everyone had a good time as we drank and listened to music, and I suppose they really liked me. I had a good time also. If I told you all what I did that weekend it would shame the devil, but he made one of my biggest fantasies come true. I have mentioned my fantasy in my Bedroom Bucket List post that I have been working on for a while now. Thanks to him I can cross it off. LOL! But all I know is that I got a 9 hour work out and I am still sore in places I have never felt before.

What's next with the Aquarian? I don't know but already he is implying that he is my man. Even so, he is not clingy at all. He is definitely not into traditional relationships. I like that he is wild and loves to explore. I don't see myself ever getting bored with him. Ladies and gentlemen, I think he may be it.

I don't know what exactly is going on but I have been attracting a lot of men since one has caught my attention. I went to dinner with a vanilla guy who had been asking me out for the longest time ever. (Yes, I finally got my swirl on!)  It went well. The attraction wasn't there for me. He seems more like the buddy I can do fun stuff with. I know though, that he is very much so attracted to me. I don't expect it will go anywhere.

H.S.S. is in the background. He's been busy with overtime. I did not call him for his birthday on Saturday and I suppose he was mad at me because I tried calling him several times between Monday and Tuesday and he did not respond until tonight. This was not a social call. I needed to get some documents from him that I had given him for safe keeping. He seemed disappointed with that. I asked him for the things and tried to keep the conversation curt but he kept trying to keep me on the phone. He said I had an attitude which I denied. I had my sweetest voice on when I called him but he knows me well enough to know that my kind words can be laced with venom. Anyway, I will remain aloof with him. I just know that it feels good to not be pining over his love, yearning for his affection, and wanting his time. I am feeling a renewed vigor, like so many good things await. I can't wait to see how this unfolds!


Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Change of Pace

So much has been taking place recently in my romantic life. I can't say it's good or bad but it is definitely interesting and it is heating up.

On Memorial Day I called H.S.S. Just to say what's up. He sent my call to voicemail. Then he sent a text saying that it was his daughter's birthday and he was not in a good mood. That triggered an emotional reaction in me and all hell broke loose. After careful consideration I sent him a text message saying that I didn't want to see him anymore and that I have given up on him. His response was: ???? I said nothing. Weeks went by with neither of us saying anything to each other. I missed the hell out of him. I missed us. Not the sex or anything like that, I just missed my friend. Of course I complained to my very close friend about missing him soooo much that she urged me to call him. I knew he would be very hard to get on the phone so she prompted me to send him an email. I did so a week ago.


First thing I did was apologize for how I reacted when he said he needed his space. I told him that I felt that he was always shutting me out at key moments in his life and all I want to do is be there for him as his friend whenever he was feeling down. I also mentioned that I needed him to be my friend and whenever I tried to reach out to him he was always unavailable so if he was unable to be a friend to me in my moments of despair or joy then I was not sure if he really wanted to be a part of my life. Two very long days went by and on Tuesday he responded saying that he was sorry he did not try to respond to me when he had the chance, and also that he had a lot going on but I was not to make assumptions about his intent.

I did not respond to his text, and 2 days after he sent it he called. He asked me if I received his text and I said yes. He asked why I did not respond. I told him I did not know what to say. He laughed and said he was amazed that I, _____ _____, was at a loss for words. We chatted for a while until I ended the call. He's called and texted everyday since that. So ironic that all this is taking place in a point when I am ready to transition.

In my heart I still want him, but I know that all those issues are still there. I would have to deal with his constant hiding in his shell, and coaxing him out. I recalled the events of our first break up and these were the same issues then as it is now. But I love the man, and I want him in my life, even if it's in the background as he has been all these years.

Oops, I Did It Again

During all this I have been exploring. I know I said I would never date anyone I met online ever again but I could not resist the urge. I went browsing on Craigslist again, and decided to give one of those more serious dating websites a shot. I got hits almost immediately. You got the usual jerks, the ones who come off as being too desperate. Then there was this one guy that I was attracted to. I will call him "The Aquarian". For some reason I was drawn to him even though our signs are incompatible. He is a corporate attorney. Three years older than me. A father to two girls in the same group and with the same gap as mine. We have similar interests, and he was very straightforward. And after speaking with him on the phone I knew I would like him and I wanted to meet him.  But what really won me was that he paid attention to me when we talked. He has called/texted me every single morning and night because he knows I like that.

Sexual Soulmate

Some time passed and I finally decided I was ready to move on from H.S.S. and date other men. In hindsight, I should have been doing that from the beginning but I let his shutting down on me when I told him I wanted to date others dissuade me. So, I went out late Friday night and met up with The Aquarian in Downtown. He's a little shorter than I would have liked and not someone I would be outwardly attracted to (not saying that he isn't attractive but not my usual type). But he was such a gentleman. We went to a nightclub and talked, had a few drinks, and danced. By the end of my Long Island Iced tea and 2 Cranberry Grey Goose I was ready to leave. As we danced I felt his rock hard member against me and I knew I was not going to go home before I experienced him. As a matter of fact, I shaved clean before I left home just in case. After we exited the venue we went for a little drive somewhere and did unspeakable things. All I know is, I think I met my sexual soulmate! He says I am definitely a keeper and he'd like to be intimate with me for the next few decades. A little much for me, but ok. LOL! I really like him and we connect. I don't see him as a lover per se, but as a friend I can have fun with both in bed (or wherever) and out.

Our sexual compatibility reads:

Aquarius and Taurus:

Taurus sees an adventure in Aquarius. These two signs will party, play and be very good friends. There is much to be learned from one another. They will have similar ideas and share common goals. Aquarius will be instantly attracted to sensual Taurus. Taurus will stick with Aquarius in sickness and in health. Aquarius will feel at home with Taurus.

Taurus will find Aquarius independence very attractive. This is a highly rewarding combination that has both long and short term potential. Before they know it, they could fall madly in love. (Sidenote: yikes!) Taurus is serious and sensual. Aquarius considers Taurus a keeper and friendship will always be evident long after the attraction has ended.
They will learn more about themselves in this relationship. A long-term relationship could result in marriage and children. (Sidenote: eek! ) Taurus must show appreciation at all times and tone down dramatic episodes or Aquarius may flee.

The Road Ahead

I don't know what's up with H.S.S. Since my email he has been trying to reach out to me. Even sent me a pic of his dick which made my heart skip a beat. Even after I told him we were not like that anymore he tried to see me last night which was to his detriment because I did not respond to his calls/texts. He got frustrated and said that I must have been too busy because he was trying to get me so he was going to bed. I texted "OK" when I knew he would have been asleep. I feel that as I drift away from him and focus my attention somewhere else, he will pursue me. But as I tell my friend, I am tired, and I am done with being shut out. It's crazy, I dealt with arguing and abuse, cheating I can live with, but being shut out emotionally I cannot tolerate. Who knows, maybe in a moment of weakness I will land back on his dick when I get a breather from The Aquarian (who by the way does not intend to give me a breather, but I have to make him miss me and think about me some lest he shall get bored..lol!). The road ahead is uncertain but definitely interesting. Maybe H.S.S. will decide that he really wants me in his life and will want to make it work between us. I can't say, but if he wanted to he would have said it. All I know is that I am just taking things one day at a time, and living in the moment.


The Daddy Syndrome

Yeah I've got it. I have issues. I know that. Most of these issues stem from my father. I need to see a shrink one of these days and unload.

On Easter Sunday, I remarked to my girlfriend that I spent half an hour on the phone with my father. It was almost alien to me, a foreign concept. We talked about everything except my STBE, which was weird because he hates him and would jump at any opportunity to disparage him.

My dad and I had a loving relationship until I got up in age, say around 12 or so. My dad was not around when I was growing up. My mother was his mistress so to speak. I did not understand that. I just knew that my dad lived abroad and would come home every year for 3 weeks at a time, and he would bring me all the toys my heart desired, we would go on vacations and do fun stuff. I always had nice things. Shoot! I was the first person on the block to own a Nintendo when they just came out!

But as I grew up I learned a few things. I had other sisters who had no knowledge of my existence. My father had a wife he was still married to and lived with. It was too much for my simple mind at 9 years old. My mother tried to keep it a secret for as long as she could but eventually I found out.

I did not care about any of the extramarital stuff, all I knew was that all my other friends had their dads in their lives. Dads to pick them up and drop them off at school. Dads to teach them all the things that moms couldn't teach them. I had a telephone to say hi to mine and to tell him what I wanted.

I went through a rebellious stage in my teens. Can't say I was over the top, but I had a lot of anger and took it out on my mother. I saw how she was. She was a lion in his absence and a lamb whenever he was around. When I was about 5 or 6 she had a boyfriend who lived with us for a couple years. My father found out about it and the man was gone. Her boyfriend was a surrogate father to me. He took me out to the circus, the beach, amusement parks, wherever. He was kind to me. He joked with me. He took care of me. He was the father I had but never had. Then all of a sudden he was gone, and I was left with her.

It was not until I got older that I realized why my mother was so miserable while I was growing up - because of him.  I remember once when I was 8 years old I caught her in the kitchen crying. I asked her what was wrong but of course she never replied. So she was miserable, not being able to have the love that she wanted, and felt obligated to wait for the father of her child to finally marry her as I am sure he must have told her.

She waited for many years. In fact, I was married before she was. Here's the punchline: his wife had died and he had a stroke when he decided it was time to marry my mother. He made comments publicly about going to her so she should take care of him. Before my mother married him she asked my opinion and I told her not to. She went ahead and did so anyway. And so, all she got was the shell of a man whom she used to love, who was more like a child because she had to be there for his every call and beckon. She married him and he sold all his property and divided it among himself and his other daughters. Then he moved into my mother's house, living there bill free, and commanding her as if she were a hand servant. She is, because she wants to be. She has never been able to tell this man no. Her reason for marrying him, she claims, was so that she could get right with God. I scoffed when she told me this. Do you get right with God by living a lie? You are in a marriage of convenience. It is now convenient for him to be with you because his wife is dead and you are the only woman around who will take care of him.

So, I did not grow up with my father but when I was 17 I went to live with him and my step-mother God rest her soul. This was against my will, but my father used the promise of a college education to coerce me into doing so. I stayed there for a while, enduring all sorts of hardships until I met my future husband and got out of dodge as fast as I could. I never intended to be with my STBE husband when we first hooked up but the problems I had with my dad and step mom helped drive me into his arms.

I did everything I could not to be like my mother, yet still I ended up being a single mother to not one, but two girls. I also found my way into an extramarital affair. Luckily, I was smart enough not to let him impregnate me when he expressed his desire to. To this day he still laments that my two children should have been his. I understand to some extent the power that blinding love can wield over a person, but I did not let it dictate my life.That time I caught my mom crying in the kitchen, was probably the only time I have ever seen her cry in my entire life. I knew my dad was at the root of it.  No way was I going to let a man who wasn't mine have me crying like that. For that reason, I broke it off with my married ex. But as fate would have it, I got separated and my pussy was jumping so I found his number and called him up a couple of times. I think I am done with that. I am done with greedy men.

But yes these married guys are greedy cake-men. Love to have their cake and eat it too. And why shouldn't they? Women allow them to carry on with their b.s. If my dad loved my step-mom he should have been a true husband to her and end his affair with my mom. If he loved my mom more he should have been a man and ended things with my step-mom. But both women are to be blamed as well because they allowed it. My step-mom died of cancer, but really, she died of a broken heart. She could have treated her cancer from an early stage but decided that life was not worth fighting for and gave in. I never want to be her. And I never want to be the woman that was part of that doing. I also never want to be in a marriage like that. Because of that I have always been distrustful of men. My STBE used to get frustrated with me because I (subliminally, never outright) accused him on several occasions of cheating. He could very well have been, I don't know for a fact. But all I know is I trust no one and it is bound to cause ongoing conflict in any future relationship that I should pursue.

In retrospect, my dad was not always a bad person. I have some fond memories of him and our time together when I was a youth. I remember us baking cookies, him taking me to the river to catch fish, going swimming with him at the beach. He was both selfish and kind. He did so many things for so many others. I just wished he did more for those closest to him. But he is still my father, and even though it is Father's Day I will not pick up the phone and wish him a happy one because I am so overcome with a numbness. I cannot even say I am bitter. I don't hate him or wish him ill. But I can't love him the way a daughter should love her father.

Happy Father's Day to all the responsible dads out there who not only provide for their children financially, but take the time to be an active part of their lives, molding them, supporting them unconditionally, reassuring them of their worth, and constantly showing them love. Shoutout to all the single moms who have to be dads too. Your burden is great but never unappreciated! ♥


Monday, June 13, 2011

Kim, Kim, Kim....SMDH!

I love Kim Kardashian. I am not a fan. Fan is the abbreviated version of fanatic. I am no fanatic. But I love her. Not Kim the person, but Kim the figure. I mean, from oblivion comes this chick who is hot, nice ass, nice smile, beautiful hair, and a nice personality. She becomes a household brand, not because she can sing, or dance, or act, but because of that ass. I saw the video with her and Ray J. (I watched it with my STBE and we were less than impressed). But anyway, the girl got her launch into stardom because of a blow job and a few ooh's and ahh's. Now, a porn star she is not. I think she is what my new favorite blogger over at Black Girls Are Easy  would consider a corpse bride coochie. But anyway, she managed to rise above the lame sex tape and catapulted herself into a brand. Kudos Kim, kudos. She even has become a role model to many girls. Even poor Laurence Fishburne's daughter became mesmerized with the Kim hype and thought she could get her career on and popping by doing the porn thing. Poor thing. Daddy's coattails weren't enough to ride on? Poor thing.

So yes, Kim was lucky. Anyhow, I am sure if you been watching TV or seen the tabloids on the newsstands you would have seen the latest news. She got engaged to whatsamacallit...some dude...football player. No basketball, Nets I think. Kris Humphries. Yes, Humphries. Now she just met the guy and all of a sudden she is wearing a big stinking rock on her finger and posing for engagement photo shoots. This engagement feels very forced and rushed. Her sisters are either married or have a child, both of which she would like to do and so we have a very hasty union. Even her sisters thought her engagement was a big joke!

So, amidst all this hoopla over the upcoming wedding some football player tells the tabloids about his steamy sexts with Kim. And now Kim is scrambling to save her ass with the threat of a lawsuit. Dude is not backing down and says he has the pics and texts to prove it. Hey, I don't know these people and what took place. I really don't care. Will Kris end up marrying her? Maybe, just to save face. Will they last? More than likely not. Here are five reasons why Kim will never win:

1. The Sex Tape
I hit that!

You have the most beautiful girl in the world, with the nicest ass in the world, and every guy who can sustain an erection for more than 10 minutes has seen her doing the nasty in the comfort of their home. That's a hard image for any guy to erase from their heads. #GOLIMP

2. Mandingo
I like that!

Once you go black, you never go back. especially if he's packing, and Ray-J IS packing and then some! Don't know about Reggie but I can speculate that he probably is too.We all know Kim has a type. Sorry Kris, you are really not her type. Yes, you are an athlete but...

3. Reality TV
I star in that!

Kim makes her living on sharing her life with the world. We all see what reality TV has done to couples. Anybody remember Nick and Jess? And those two were dating for forever! I am waiting for the bomb to dropon Khloe and Lamar's marriage but that would have more to do with the two month courtship than reality TV itself.

4. Her Busy Life
Add caption

If I am not mistaken, I think that was one of the reasons why Reggie Bush broke up with her. Just heard on the news that she is trying to make her bi-coastal relationship with Humphries work. Good luck with that sweetie! Athletes love having their wives/girlfriends on separate coasts. 

5. Her Family

There is just something that does not sit right with me. Mainly, her mom. She seems overbearing and meddling. I am not sure if her daughters' spouses are actually fond of her. She is a mama bear but somehow I get the feeling that she makes her daughters feel inadequate. I sense some insecurity in all 3 of the sisters and I bet she is the source. Watch as those insecurities spill over into their relationships. SMH!

What We Can Learn From Kim

Record Then Delete

Me and my STBE used to tape ourselves then we deleted right away. I still have nude pics though but no face pics so I can always deny deny deny!

Good Looks Aren't Everything

Being beautiful and wearing designer clothes won't take you very far. If you've got nothing going for you other than your looks your significant other will eventually get bored and venture out. And judging from that sex tape, it would appear as if she wasn't very exciting in the bedroom either. In addition, she's been known to have gone around in the athletes circle. Tsk tsk!

Keep A Secret!

As soon as she got engaged she was selling the deets to the tabloid about the cost of the ring, wedding plans, etc. I believe she went on George Lopez and revealed that Reggie was packing. This girl will do anything for a quick buck at the detriment of her loved ones it seems.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

5 Reasons For My New Single Addiction

So I have a new show on TV to look forward. Single Ladies is a hit!!! I admit I was a Sex and the City fiend. I have not had a show fill that void since. Luckily Queen Latifah and company came up with the right mixture of sex, drama, chocolate sisters, and hot clothes to hold my interest. Here are five reasons why I just can't get enough of this new smash hit.

1.  Stacy Dash

Now Stacy Dash, don't get me started on her. I have had  a girl crush on her since 1995 in Clueless. She was fine then and she is sure as hell fine now if not hotter. How old is she? Like 45? My frikking hero(ine)! Every scene she is in I cannot help but stare at her curves in those tight coutoure outfits and wonder if I could ever wear the hell out of a dress like her. Her role? Sweet idealisst who believes in love and marriage until love shits on her then she goes balls out and hooks up with the random dude for a one night stand until she gets her brains back. Definitely Carrie Bradshaw.

2.  Lisa Raye

Speaking of curves, Lisa Raye has definitely added some more curves since her Playas Club days but she sure as hell looks good! I love her role in the show, the woman who is deathly afraid of being hurt so she keeps a stud on hand and plays the rich older gentleman, who she is actually digging on but too afraid to let him know. She reminds me of Samantha.

3.  Hot Mennnssss

OK I love me some Common (even though his character was just dirty). Most of the brothers are fine too, even that one white dude that Stacey Dash's character hooked up with. Even the token gay could get it. He's not gay in real life now is he? How I would love to work on that set!

4.  Steamy Sex Scenes

No explanation needed.

5.  Star Cameos

Lots of stars passing through that show for the first few episodes. Can't wait to see who else makes appearances. It kinda validates the storyline and makes it seem so real.

Honorary Mention

The token white friend. Didn't she star in White Chicks too? I don't know how I feel about her just yet. She cheated on one half of the good black men on the show (there are 2) and I don't know what her character has to offer yet. I am interested in seeing her develop throughout the show though.

Overall, this is just another form of entertainment. Not a motivational, inspirational, or life changing show for the masses. Nor does it intend to mirror the lives of real black single women, but it definitely packs a lot of drama and fantasy. The DVR has made it official.  I will be watching!


Monday, June 6, 2011

And So It Begins

The end that is.

The kids had a wonderful time with their dad. I was happy because they were happy. My older one really. She was smiling from ear to ear and bouncing off the walls. The younger one, I heard, was apprehensive of him on the first day and would not stay in his lap like the older one. She would rather climb up on her uncle's lap (my brother in law). This of course hurt my STBE very much but he realizes that he has been away for almost a year and he left when she was just a baby. But I am glad that visit is out the way and my blood pressure has gone back to normal, somewhat.

Now, he called me on Friday when the kids were on their return trip home. He called again on Sunday and literally put me on the spot.  He wanted to know if I was still going through with the divorce and if I didn't think we could salvage our marriage. I told him that I did not think we could resume our relationship as there were many problems before he left and just because we are speaking on a relatively friendly basis now, does not mean those issues have been resolved. His absence has made our relationship better than his presence ever did, and if that is not a sign I don't know what is.

I like my life now. I like not having to stress over little things such as dirty laundry on the floor or making a four course meal every Sunday, or the petty arguments. Most of all, I love having my bed all to myself. Even when H.S.S. sleeps over I look forward to his leaving so I can get my bed all to myself. I don't rest well with another person next to me. I don't even let my kids sleep with me on a regular basis. The downside to being single is being a single parent. I have been sick since last week and the kids caught my cold and now we are all sick and miserable. There was no one to care for me but I have to care for the kids still. Yesterday I had to ship them off to grandmother's so I could rest up for work today. If he were here I could play the sympathy card and have him do more, but the fact is that I would have to nag and connive in order to get pampered or have him take care of the kids. I do not want to have to go through all of that again. I do want to be married, just not to him.

So my STBE is basically telling me that he does not want to get his hopes up about us and that I should just cut him off completely if I don't want us to be together again. I told him that only time will tell but right now I am leaning towards the divorce. Also, I reiterated that we will always be in each other's lives because of the kids and it is of benefit to each other that we help each other when we can. If both of us are ok, then the kids will be ok too. He agreed. I suppose the time he spent with the kids made him realize what he was missing out on. The chickens have already flown the coop. I am all about progress. The day he left, I prayed hard to God to take him out of my life. I would be a fool to go back on an answered prayer!


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

He's Back

My STBE husband that is. Well, not back in state. He's back on the east coast, living 6 hours away from us and already calling my phone frequently because he wants to see the kids, and me. Well after several relatives voiced their objection, I reluctantly decided to allow the girls to see him. My mother-outlaw is taking them in the morning. I am an emotional wreck. As I worry about tornadoes hitting us tonight, I busily pack a weekend's worth of clothing for both girls, trying to imagine what kind of weekend the kids will have. I am afraid of the negative impact that such a visit without me could have on them, but I am not ready to see him myself so they will have to go without me for now. I just hope that they, especially the older one, won't be confused and have a huge meltdown because their dad won't be coming back home with them as they believe he should. Keep my girls in your thoughts and prayers!