Monday, February 28, 2011

Men Today Are More Emotional Than You Might Think

I want to bust out laughing every time I hear these words echo in my head, but in reality I have to take it with a grain of salt. This was what H.S. Sweetheart remarked to me during a conversation we had over the weekend while we were spending time together.

We were engrossed in conversation much longer than we usually do. Under normal circumstances, by a certain point of the evening clothes are usually off and sentences cease to one or two word phrases/commands. He had noticed that I seemed a bit impatient and proceeded to let me know that he enjoys having deep conversations with me. In addition, he informed me that he was not just a piece of meat, but also my friend. I asked him, "what's wrong with being just a piece of meat?" and he gave me a look of horror as if I had said something repulsive. He then asked me if I was serious, to which I replied, "yes".

OK, I admit, I was not serious. I only hate being reminded that we are in this "thing" for more than just sex. Call it being in denial if you please. I just want to learn how to harden my heart in a masculine fashion. Plus, I want to learn how to not fall so deep in love that my feelings and emotions get entangled and I end up leaving myself vulnerable, and invested. Beyonce's "If I Were a Boy" comes to mind as I think of my qualms.

How Men Are Becoming Emotional

We overlook certain hints which gives us insight as to how emotional our men are, and often lump them in a single category. You know, animals (pigs and dogs). I am guilty of it too. I assume that because he is a man he would be content with just having a sexual relationship sans emotions. There are lots of signs which I have missed in the past that I now acknowledge. He may not be crying with you during the Tyler Perry movie but he is just as vulnerable as you are.

Opening Up

Apparently, men do not like it when women remain evasive and aloof with them. Based on what I learned, this is so because men are just learning to open up their true feelings and to not be ashamed of being the sensitive creatures we always knew they were. They see it as a slap in the face when we do not return the sentiment and subliminally accuse them of being effeminate.

Events not Dates

No, he won't remember the first day you guys held hands but he will remember the love letter you wrote him when you were both kids. He will remember the first sexual experience you had. He will remember the one time he saw you slip a guy your number. He will remember more than you give him credit for.

Special Occasions

He may not run out and get you the biggest gift his money could buy but he thinks of you during those times and in his own way he reaches out to you. Part of it is to make you feel special but the other part is due to his own need to feel that he is loved and that you are thinking of him too.

He Wants to Please You

Gone are the days when guys just jumped on you like mounting a beast and "did their business". He is making sure that you get yours first before Mr. Johnson. He is not afraid to do things to you that were traditionally frowned upon. He just wants to make sure that your needs are met in that department and he will not be satisfied if you are not.

Mama's Man

He is not afraid to admit how much he loves his mother. OK, so he may not always have the best relationship with his mom, but his mama ain't goin' in no home!

Bring on the Kids

Whether they are his, yours, both of yours or just in your heads at this point he has no problems letting you know how important family is, and is not afraid to get down and dirty with the little people. If he does not have kids yet, he looks forward to fatherhood and tells you he wants 5 kids but he will settle for 3. He is a doting father and proud too. He is great with your kids and often chides you for not doing something right. You may want to clock him in the head but you let it slide because you are enamored with the fact that he cares so much.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Nightlife and My Life

So I went out with an old girlfriend of mine on Friday night. It was the first time that I had been out-out in almost a year. Also it is the first time that I have been out-out as a semi-single woman. I usually like to do something laid back and chill at home but it was her birthday so I decided to make the initiative to brave the elements and enjoy the evening with her.

I went with no expectations. I did not even think I was gonna go bar hopping or meet anyone new, let alone contemplate a new sexual tryst. What resulted from the evening was an awakening of my desire to socialize and to meet new people, especially people I do not usually find interesting. I also learnt a few things from the experience, particularly from a dating perspective. Particularly, that if you play your cards right you can have an awesome night. The do's and don'ts are quite simple, and I will go into detail shortly.

My Night in a Nut Shell Tree

Our night began at a Japanese joint. I ordered a couple appetizers and we split a huge Scorpion bowl. It is like a massive margarita with flames on top. Of course our drink got the attention of a couple of men who were sitting next to us who were obviously tipsy. They were gay so there was no chance of any flirting taking place. But we had a nice conversation, and they introduced me to alcohol infused whipped cream. One of them recommended it during love making for heightened sensations. I have yet to try it but it is one of my things to do.

We leave the Japanese joint and head over to this lounge around the corner. It is Jamaican owned but the vibe is infused with a lot of different ethnicities. A huge melting pot if you will. So it is there where I met this interesting man. He was seated at the bar, dining alone. I was seated next to him and my girlfriend on the other end. We both ordered Long Islands and before long we had a little buzz going and were chatting up a storm. The gentleman and I engaged the gentleman in very stimulating conversation. He was much older, probably the same age as my mother (*eek*) and a rolling stone. He is of Nigerian descent, born in China, but works with the U.S. government and stationed wherever they send him. I really enjoyed the time we got to know each other. He bought me and my girlfriend a round of drinks and left shortly after.

It was not too long after that when a white couple from main came in . The conversation first began when I noticed the husband ordering a Red Stripe beer. He told me of his wife and his connection to Jamaica, and that they are always in search of "culture" whenever they travel. Further conversation revealed that the guy was in the same industry as my STBE husband. It is amazing how much common ground you can have with someone who on the outside seems to be totally different from you. Before I knew it the guy was buying me drinks, plus my girlfriend had an acquaintance of hers buying us drinks. I was flat out toasted!

My inhibitions were out the window. I was shaking the booty until some strange guy snatched it up, then I was dropping it like its hot on him. Don't even remember what he looked like but I remember him telling me that he was gonna come back later. He did not get to because shortly after I bounced from that joint and headed straight to the strip club with this couple and my friend. I do not know why, but the way that guy was feeling on my ass at the bar I am pretty sure he wanted to hit it. Unfortunately, I had way too much to drink and too little to eat so as soon as we got to the club I was throwing up in the bathroom. We left shortly after that. I was mad that I didn't get to see at least one tit! The guy was trying to convince us to come back to their hotel suite but his wife was clearly feeling uncomfortable with the idea. I was too even though I was extremely turned on by the idea of a menage-eh-orgy. But it was not my night at all so I opted to leave.

My experience made me aware of what I had "given up" over the past 6 years. I traded socializing and meeting new people for an ungrateful husband and two needy kids. Instead of settling for my husband without seeing what was out there, who's to say that if I had just "worked it" (my charm) like I did this past weekend I would not have met a man who was intelligent, down to earth, and more my speed. I can't say that this awakening makes me want to go out on the town every weekend but I definitely plan to do so more often, say once every month or two. LOL! I know. Gotta start small. But I am still a homebody at heart with all that is said and done. My beautiful, single, childless, and manless girlfriend even told me that night that she envied my home life. The grass is always greener isn't it?

What I Learned

Do be up to speed on current events.

You don't like sports? Too bad! Watch a couple episodes of Sportscenter, PTI, and Around the Horn. You could strike up a great conversation with a sports fan and then discover other common interests. Same with politics.

Do go out with an extremely hot friend.

Don't get your panties in a wad about hanging with a chick who looks hotter than you. This chick will score you free drinks and VIP entry into hot clubs. And anyway, if you are a woman of substance your personality will outshine her beauty by the first few lines of a conversation with a new fella.

Do smile alot.

Your smile is magnetic. Men and women alike will appreciate it and even offer you compliments.

Do be prepared.

Condoms, lube, and sugar free gum. That is all.

Don't Under/Over-Do it

Ease up on the alcohol if you cannot manage it. Sloppy drunks are not appealing. I usually handle my liquor well but I did not eat and that was stupid of me. Eat, drink and be merry!

Don't be a snob.

If someone is hitting on you or wants to dance with you and you don't want them to, still treat them with respect and dignity. Unless he is really grimey then you are allowed to shoo him.

Don't be a ho.

Don't throw yourself on all the guys just because you think you are cute. Even though *you* may look cute *it* does not. Allow the men to see you and appreciate you then work up the nerves to approach you. Also, you never know if his girlfriend may be hanging around the corner just waiting to attack the first heifer who even looks at her man a second too long.

Don't go with any expectations.

If you don't go with preconceived ideas about what kind of night you should have then you won't be disappointed if it does not go according to your expectations. Just live in the moment and allow the night to flow freely.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Booty Call With Benefits

In this 21st century there are so many different relationship titles out there. Essentially, it means you're either screwing someone or not at all. Facebook offers a variety of relationship statuses. Single, Married, Engaged, Divorced, and Widowed are the more traditional types. Sometimes we see other statuses that makes us go hmmm such as: It's Complicated, or In an Open Relationship. Would you really put that out there? Why not put it out there that you are a side piece or just a ho? It is humorous at how we attempt to categorize ourselves and add titles to our sexual liaisons. If I had to choose a title for my ideal relationship right now, it would be the booty call with benefits.

Friends with benefits is one loose status to indicate that two people who were friends before have sex with each other from time to time. A fuck buddy is similar except that the two were not friends prior to their sexual relationship, and only function as a means to an end in the bed department. A booty call is somewhere on par with the fuck buddy. Bear in mind that the booty call or fuck buddy relationship is not one in which both partners bare intimate pieces of their soul as they exchange bodily fluids. They do not go out on dates, call each other just to chat, spend the night, or kiss each other good night. They just fuck.

So no, I do not want a booty call or fuck buddy (jump off in Afro American slang). Neither do I want a friend with benefits. I want what my primal urges dictate: sex and I want what my feminine urges dictate: romance.

I mentioned the booty call with benefits in one of my previous posts. This is a relationship where sexual intercourse is the primary function. The benefits would vary from person to person but they include friendship and romance among other things. Sounds like a normal relationship doesn't it? Yes. But the dudes get very scared when they see that a woman is trying to zone in on them and trap them into a committed relationship.

Saying you want a booty call with benefits gives them an extra nudge in your direction. It is more palatable to the masculine ear because booty call indicates unrestricted, uncommitted sex. This works out well for me because I do not want to be in a committed relationship at this time. I still however want to have freaky sex, go out on dates, make out, and enjoy the company of the male species for even a little while.

Is such a relationship really possible? It is in essence an open relationship without the official title. The danger in this type of relationship is that feelings often get developed and one partner typically starts to need more than the other is willing or able to give. I am not afraid of this possibility. I think for my situation, I have a lot of external factors which keep me pragmatic, level headed, and focused. Not to say that the internal turmoil of having someone in your life but not completely having them does not exist. But in this case, I would rather have them sometimes than none at all.

What do you think?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Craigslist Experiment

A few months after my separation from the STBE I decided to brave the fears associated with meeting individuals on Craigslist. You know? Craigslist is supposedly a playground for psycho stalkers, murderers, rapists, ex cons, or just weird people in general. I am none of those things so I took a chance in hopes that there were others out there like me. Sane, decent people who just have no opportunity to meet and get to know someone as quickly ITRW as they would online. Was it worth it? Yes and no. Did I meet interesting people? Yes I did. Would I do it again? No.

The World of Online Dating

There are a plethora of online dating sites now. I am sad to say that I have joined at least three of them and browsed a few more. Match dot com refused to let me sign up until they have my divorce decree. Phooey! The others I just did for fun I suppose. But I decided to go out on a limb and post an ad on Craigslist. I was brutally honest in it. I described myself, my situation, and exactly what I was looking for: a frequent friendly fuck. The occasional wining and dining was expected of course.

Needless to say I received tons of replies. It is amazing how many white men out there wanna get with a sista! Not that I have anything against interracial dating (my husband and I were an interracial couple) but I have never gotten my swirl on with a white man and I am not particularly interested in white American men. Maybe Scandinavian men, but that is just an unfulfilled fantasy of mine. I got replies with chest pics, ab pics, dick pics. No pics, and an occasional face pic.

Making Connections

My first reply was this amazingly hot guy whose pic caught my eye. I was not just attracted to his photo but the fact that he was a single dad just out of a relationship and he understood where I was coming from. In my post I had stated my preference for men with kids. The reason being that they understand the demands of parenthood.

So we emailed, traded pics, texted, and I spoke to him once. He pissed me off when he asked me for money to help with his party promotions. I did not even meet the dude and he was already being barefaced. I did not feel a connection and apparently he did not either so we stopped communicating.

A few weeks later I got an email from a man who sounded like a very nice guy. He was a father of two boys, lived about 20 minutes away, and he just seemed like a decent guy. We did the online dating dance: email, texted, then one amazingly long phone call. I really liked him. And the feeling seemed to be mutual.

Confusing Courting

We went out on a date to a quaint town in Northern Massachusetts. Had coffee, watched a movie, then I bailed to go hang out with my girlfriends that night. The date ended with him trying to kiss me and it felt very awkward. I liked him alot but could not see myself with him sexually. He is a handsome fella but he just was not my type. He was wonderful though. In the weeks that followed he had a personal crisis in his family and he was not very receptive to my invitations to spend some time together. After Christmas when he did not respond to my text I deleted his number from my phone. About five weeks later I received a text from him saying that he wanted to go to a wine tasting festival here instate and he was sorry he lost touch for the five weeks. He also said he had alot going on and would tell me all about it. I responded in a nonchalant manner.

He pretty much read into my reaction and never followed up on our date until a month later when I asked him if he was still interested in going to the wine tasting. He told me that he thought I was mad at him for not communicating during that time (I was but never said so). He chose the restaurant and movie (second time I let him do that) and I was looking forward to seeing him. Then on the day we were supposed to go he sent me a text telling me that he had been going through some issues and was too depressed to go out with me that night. I told him I hope he felt better soon and deleted his ass from my cellphone. I have no patience for confusing men. That was 5 days ago. I have not heard from him since. I would have loved to help him work through whatever problems he had but he never gave me that chance. I am not angry or anything like that, I just don't think he is ready to date anyone, least of all, me.

The Verdict

So that was my experience with Craigslist. I am happy I was not abducted and my body found washed up ashore. It was exciting, thrilling, and disappointing. I do not believe that this is the place to find that lifelong partner. It is just as hard to find the right person to have just a sexual relationship with. How do you know you can trust this person? But then again, how do you know you can trust the guy you meet on the street, or in the club? I have decided to give online dating a rest. The exception to that rule is if I was searching for a third party for a menage a trois...

What's Next?

That was what the last text that I had received from HS Sweetheart today read. I spent a pretty decent weekend with him and I wanted to blog about it. I felt that we made a breakthrough, on more than one level. A serious reconnection if you will...


I was not in a good place with him, mainly because I have not seen him and it was over a month since we've been intimate. The lack of intimacy was fine with me as I had decided that I was gonna go celibate for a while. It was more our lack of communication that was driving me crazy. The fact that he expected me to not see anyone else and he did not try hard enough to keep in touch with me was killing me. But after a while I decided that celibacy is not for me. I love sex. It is a fundamental part of who I am. So after our last serious conversation earlier in the week I agreed to see him again.

So anyway, he came over on Saturday night and all I have to say is O-M-G!!! I can't explain what was so different about this time but it felt like we were making love, and we were one. And when we weren't making love we were experimenting with our kinkier sides with each other. I absolutely loved it! It was just crazy! Despite the awesome, amazing sex, my favorite part of our night was our heart to heart.

Pillow Talk

After the cessation of our first round, I hastily proceeded to get up from the carpet where our bodies had been intertwined but he pulled me back. I have intimacy issues stemming from my marriage. My STBE and I never cuddled. It feels foreign to me now, but my HS Sweetheart has been slowly breaking me out of that habit of rushing off or going right to sleep after sex.
He wanted to talk. He asked me if I was afraid of him. I asked him to be more direct. He asked me if I was afraid that he would hurt him. I told him yes and that I did not trust anyone. He then went over the events in the past that led to me not trusting him and assured me that I would not have to worry about the past repeating itself.
He also went down memory lane, discussing the breakdown in our relationship and how I'd hurt him after we broke up when he was trying to reconcile or at least be friends with me. I feel bad now, because back then I really was a bitch to him. There was a reason for that which I look back on with regret but I will take that skeleton out of my closet at another time.


During our conversation I also discussed with him how I was feeling at the time. Like an object put on a shelf, collecting dust, until the owner decided to give it some attention. Only that he was not my "owner". So it led him to query me about my desires. I told him that I wanted a booty call with benefits. He reminded me that I already had that with him. He made me realize that what I wanted was more. A relationship without the titles.

I suppose that was true to some extent. I want a man with whom I can have wild, crazy sex with, cry on his shoulders, go see a movie with, ask to wash my car or fix a leaky faucet, have an occasional lunch with, and more wild, crazy sex. To some extent I do have that with him, but as I pointed out that night, I just wanted to see more of him. It did not have to be a big production, but it could be just as simple as a quick lunch, or a ride to work or wherever. He brainstormed ways for us to accomplish this. Even reminded me that his schedule would free up in the summer so we could spend lots more time then.

This made me realize that he was comfortable of the idea of a relationship without the official titles. To confirm this I asked him if he was scared of the notion of being in a relationship with me. In his own dramatic way he told me no.

What's Next?

So this evening he sent me a text to tell me that he enjoyed being with me over the weekend. I replied that I did too. He asked me what's next. Truth is, I don't know. I love what we have. I think it could go beyond what it is now. I am not, however, prepared to make that step. I have a lot on my plate right now and so does he. To be with him will affect relationships I have with others. For now, I am letting my head prevail. My heart waited over a decade to get him back so more time won't kill us. But I do know that I am still unapologetically in love with him and that love carries me from day to day, from turmoil through triumph. We've been through so much together, apart, and now after all this time we are together again and that is enough for me right now. ♥

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Why This Valentine's Day was Bittersweet for Me

This was a truly bittersweet Valentine's Day for me for alot of reasons. Since Sunday I was laid up in bed all day, an emotional wreck, wondering how I was gonna handle the day on Monday. All my hurts, fears and disappointments cuckolded me and paralyzed me for 24 hours. Then the day came and I was actually feeling upbeat and amorous.


I married my husband six years ago. This anniversary was marred not only by his absence, but the end of our union, and the uncertainty of how emotional I would be on that day, and the fact that the last time we had a good anniversary celebration was in 2007. I would try to do things with him on the anniversaries after that but was met with excuses like work or lack of finances. Heck, even a 99 cent card or a handwritten love letter would have been sufficient but back then I got nada.


He called me and wished me a happy "vaniversitine". Sent me flowers and two cards. =) Too bad...


I did not get anything from the others. A weekend tryst with the HS sweetheart was broken. Then a potential date with a guy I met on *gasp* Craigslist was needlessly turned down because I had made plans with HS dude. Dammit!


HS dude apologized profusely. After he explained what took place and what had been happening between us over the past few weeks my mind and heart was put at ease. He promised to make it up to me this weekend. Can't wait! Craigslist guy wants us to go out this weekend as well. Double booking anyone? =)

Splenda Sweet

All my lovers and love interests called, texted, or sexted. =)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Demystifying the Essence of Maleness

I chuckle every time I read the title of this latest entry. Men are so predictable right? We think we have them down to a science. So what exactly is mystifying about them?

My confounding experience with the male species has been exacerbated by recent experiences with my "lovers". I did not make them aware of my newfound celibacy(I am 15 days in :D) so until then I will refer to them as my "lovers".

Double standard

The ex lover has neglected to uphold his part of our deal. It is a rather complicated deal but the end result was that he was supposed to keep my lady parts singing. The fire has gone out. He has not kept his portion of our bargain.

I love sex. I may have said it once or twice here. But I really do. I have no issues with him seeing other women so long as he keeps it safe, respectful, and services me on a regular. I even did not want to take up too much of his bed time so I wanted to diversify my portfolio. But truly, my ulterior motive was to round out the week with getting laid two or three times.

One night after an awesome round of loving I asked him how he would feel about me seeing other people. I was met with stone cold silence and he totally shut down on me. The following morning after I buttered him up with breakfast in bed he decided he wanted to discuss it and gave me this whole spiel about women not being in control during sex and men can take advantage and make coitus unsafe by removing the condom and putting the subdued female, who is incoherent at this point, at risk for pregnancy or infections.

OK, he did have some merit to his argument. Where we digress is that he insists that things would have to change between us. He informed me that his other side piece and even his ex girlfriend were compelled to STD tests periodically. I was the only one he never demanded a test from because he trusted me. But I asked him if he trusted the other girls too, because pity the fool does not know that he is not the only one.

So things kinda changed after we had that talk. He started coming over less and less, but when he did he indicated that he missed me. Once during our lovemaking he told me he loved me and never stopped loving me, but ever since that he has not told me. My texts would go unanswered or replied to with a single emoticon. When I finally decide that I had had enough of his back and forth he texts me to ask me for a favor. Yet, when I had asked him for a favor the week before he never checked in to make sure I was ok even though he could not help me.

Cake men

My married lover has got me baffled as well. Since we started seeing each other again he began to make claims on my vajayjay telling me that he does not want me to see anyone but him. He wants me to be his second wife (any Big Love fans in here?). He wants me to introduce him to my mama so that he could come over on a regular basis. I drew the line right there. Hell no I am not introducing you, a married man of political importance to my mother. He professes his love for me all the time yet still I in my desperation asked him to spot me some cash until my next payday. He offered to "loan" me $50.

I have never asked this man for anything in the decade I have know him yet still he can only LEND me money? Such a small amount at that? I never called him and I never pursued it. He finally called me 2 weeks later to inform me that his dad had a pacemaker put in so he had to fly out on short notice. Why does it take two weeks to tell someone you will not be able to loan them 50 bucks because you have an emergency? Give me a break! These men want to have their cake and eat it too.

Does not compute

I cannot decipher the yo-yo behavior in my men. They tell me they love me, want to be with only me, want me to be with just them, yet still their actions or inactions dictate otherwise. And they say women are confusing? Puh-leeze!