Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Post Valentine's Aftermath

So if you've been following from the beginning of this blog you'd remember that my ex and I got married on Valentine's Day. This has been a very difficult day for me since we've split. This year, even more complicated because all my insecurities with The Hombre, and men in general, have been messing with my nerves.

The day before, I was a mess. Fortunately my girls were willing to go out with me to this event to help get me out my funk. The day of, I was actually fine. Just when I was on the phone telling my cousin I was going to break it off with him, The Hombre sent me a text wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. I received a ton of greetings from friends, family members, and old or wannabe flames. (The Aquarian was the first to wish me HappyVDay, professing that he missed me and the usual stuff). I was fine. After I left work I decided I just wanted to stay in so I canceled my date with the girls. I went home to my kids, I did an hour of Zumba, and crashed. I think I weas asleep before 9PM. I did not even have any of the Cabernet I had bought the night before.

So tell me why, this morning I woke up feeling like shit? I mean, I have been in a funk the whole fricking day! I had the day off and had planned to get a workout in and tackle some chores. I did nada but sit and mope and wallow in my misery. I had one meal today and it was dinner, just because I forced myself to eat. Oh yeah, I called the shrink and I am now awaiting a slot so I can get some much needed help. I definitely AM NOT ready for any kind of relationship, so whenever I see him again I will end things with The Hombre. My GF says if it's any love I need right now, it's self love. So damn true. It's amazing that we as women give so much power to undeserving men who we allow to ruin our self esteem and make us feel unworthy. In the back of my brain, all I hear is my ex telling me that I was damaged goods and would never find another man to love me. And yes, he did say those awful things. I am not making this up.

I can hear Whitney Houston playing in my head.

In the meantime I decided to give myself some homework. I am making lists of the following:

  • things I love about myself
  • negative thoughts that come up throughout the day
  • things that make me happy
  • things that I can do to fill my time
  • at least one good thing that happens to me each day

A positive life starts with a positive inside, and I have lots of work to do in order to accomplish that. Please, if you are a praying person, keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Monday, February 6, 2012

I Could Be Happy..If I Don't Screw This One up

I've wanted to tell you all about this for a while now. I've met a man. I like him very much. If things keep going the way they are now, he just may be the one.  I've never felt like this about any man I've met since splitting up with the ex. Even the Aquarian. I liked him very much. As a matter of fact I still do. But there were just little nuances about him that I could never get over, one of them being the open relationship thing. I thought I was up to that, but then ultimately decided that it was not for me. There were a few other things that turned me off from the Aquarian, but the main thing was that I was never able to trust him, and I am afraid that this trust issue may end up affecting this potential relationship I have with this man.

Let's call him The Hombre. We met at the end of November, online of course, and have been in contact ever since. Things started off veeeery slow, but I was initially interested in him since we first came across each other. He's a few years older than I am, divorced (ex wife cheated on him), father of two (great father at that), and made a decent living as an IT specialist with the federal government. He's laid back and easy going like me, and very respectful. His smile is one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen and I think it was one of the first things I fell for when I met him. Still, I stare at his smile and his beautiful pearly teeth whenever we are together.

So, I wanted to take my time to get to know him and do this the right way. I felt as if I was ready to pursue a new relationship. Eventually, we went out on a couple of dates, even been to each other's homes a few times, and still this man was a gentleman. He never pressured me into doing anything with him. We made out, yes. But whenever I felt it was going too far I would back away and slow down the tempo. So a couple of weeks ago I finally decided that I was ready. I mean, I was horny, yes. But I felt like I'd asked him the important questions, covered all my bases, and gained a feeling of security from him. One of the questions I asked him was his intent where I was concerned. He expressed that he was seeking a relationship. Good, so was I. He doesn't want anymore kids. Neither did I. We pretty much agreed on every major point that came up in our conversations, and had the same goals. So yes, we finally experienced each other and it was wonderful. Fucking for fun is great, but fucking someone you genuinely like and see yourself being with is super fucking amazing!!!

The Hombre lives half an hour away across the state line. It's kinda far but not OMG far. We both lead busy lives. He has his kids most days, as he was the one to keep the family home, so if he's not working he's fathering. and when he's not doing those things he's busy doing other ish in his life. I get it. Same here too.
Fortunately we've been able to see each other once or twice a week. In between those days he texts me a lot, usually in the mornings, and always checking in with me and asking me how my day was going.

Somehow, the week following our first time being intimate was insanely busy for both of us. More so for him. He said his ex wife was on vacation for 8 days and so he had the kids during that time. Even so, I still felt a debilitating anxiety. He was not texting as consistently as he did the couple months before. I wondered if his affections were waning now that he'd gotten what he worked so hard for. I wondered if he was playing me. I wondered if he was already bored with me and the thrill was gone. I swear, I drove myself crazy wondering all kinds of stupid things that I wanted to cry. He's not on my FB as we both agree that social networks are the kryptonite of relationships. His profile is public so I was able to log on and see what he was up to. Everything he posted corresponded to where he said he was, who he was with, what he was doing. and guess what? His ex wife's profile is also public and I was able to see that she was indeed on vacation. I also went on his sister's page and everything corresponded to the little details he shared with me. So what the hell is wrong with me? This man has been nothing but good to me so far. He has given me no reason to mistrust him. Yet still I am snooping around and doubting him, robbing myself of sleep as I wait for the other shoe to drop. "He's great now," I tell myself, "but when is this prince going to turn into a frog?" I've become so burdened with these thoughts that I tell myself that I am going to break it off with him because I just couldn't take the not knowing. I couldn't take the fear I was feeling of being hurt again. And then it occurred to me last night, that I need counselling, and maybe I shouldn't have pursued another relationship so soon, even though I really did not pursue him, it was the other way around...

I decided I was going to wait until I saw him to tell him how I felt, and I did not anticipate seeing him until some time in the week, but to my surprise I was up at 6 AM and there was a text from him saying he wanted to see me today. About an hour later I was at his house. I was just so happy to see him. Of course it did get physical, (and before I forget to tell you all, he's a great lover!) but we caught up with each other, and I shared some of what I was going through. No, I could never tell him about the FB part. LOL! But I told him that I was afraid and it was fucking with my nerves. He said he understood how I felt, having been cheated on by his ex. But the main thing was to deal with it one day at a time and not let it consume me so much. He did mention that he had done therapy and did not feel it had much effect on him, but encouraged me to try it. The he pinched my nose, and kissed me, and I don't remember what happened next but it was great. LOL! After a long kiss goodbye, I drove off feeling a bit less anxious about us, and good about the direction our relationship was heading in, but also more determined to work on me as best as I can. I began this blog admitting that I was a mess. I am less of a mess than I was then, but still a work in progress. Tomorrow I am searching for a therapist. I am happy that I found what may grow into love but I am scared as all get out and I don't want to screw this one up.

And by the way, I'm swirling.. ;-)