The day before, I was a mess. Fortunately my girls were willing to go out with me to this event to help get me out my funk. The day of, I was actually fine. Just when I was on the phone telling my cousin I was going to break it off with him, The Hombre sent me a text wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. I received a ton of greetings from friends, family members, and old or wannabe flames. (The Aquarian was the first to wish me HappyVDay, professing that he missed me and the usual stuff). I was fine. After I left work I decided I just wanted to stay in so I canceled my date with the girls. I went home to my kids, I did an hour of Zumba, and crashed. I think I weas asleep before 9PM. I did not even have any of the Cabernet I had bought the night before.
So tell me why, this morning I woke up feeling like shit? I mean, I have been in a funk the whole fricking day! I had the day off and had planned to get a workout in and tackle some chores. I did nada but sit and mope and wallow in my misery. I had one meal today and it was dinner, just because I forced myself to eat. Oh yeah, I called the shrink and I am now awaiting a slot so I can get some much needed help. I definitely AM NOT ready for any kind of relationship, so whenever I see him again I will end things with The Hombre. My GF says if it's any love I need right now, it's self love. So damn true. It's amazing that we as women give so much power to undeserving men who we allow to ruin our self esteem and make us feel unworthy. In the back of my brain, all I hear is my ex telling me that I was damaged goods and would never find another man to love me. And yes, he did say those awful things. I am not making this up.
I can hear Whitney Houston playing in my head.
In the meantime I decided to give myself some homework. I am making lists of the following:
- things I love about myself
- negative thoughts that come up throughout the day
- things that make me happy
- things that I can do to fill my time
- at least one good thing that happens to me each day
A positive life starts with a positive inside, and I have lots of work to do in order to accomplish that. Please, if you are a praying person, keep me in your thoughts and prayers.