I've been warned. My closest friends told me so. The unrest and drama that comes along with loving someone who is not available is costly. I can't say that I am available too but I was in a better predicament than he was. I have not been with my estranged husband for five years. He remains a thorn in my side and has yet to grant my wish for a divorce, which I hope to be final by next month. But I digress. Despite all this, I forge forward because I know in my heart that for whatever period of time we both share together on this earth, I desire to spend it with him. Why? Because I have opened up my soul to someone who was a stranger to me not so long ago. And he has opened up his heart to me as well. Not only that, I have already willed myself to be alone at whatever point our relationship ends, or however it ends, be it by death or mutual parting.The dust is beginning to settle, and I with it.
So now, his divorce is final. The process of disentangling lives, properties, emotions are in full gear. Court enforced deadlines are dangled like a carrot on a stick. He set a period of two years for himself to recover financially. But what about emotionally? How can one truly recover from something as devastating as a divorce? Not so much the divorce itself, but rather, a marriage that was just a bandaged lie. One that should have ended years ago. One that should have never began.
He shared with me today that he did not ever see himself being married again. It hurt. It truly did. But truthfully, I have said the same myself in the past. Who can bear to put up with the headaches that are associated with your common relationship? But the pragmatist in me who is also seeking security would like to be protected in every aspect of my life, and that includes legally.
We have spoken often about merging our lives and moving in to our own home together. He has been staying with me since the year began as he is in the process of finding a new home of his own. To the naked eye it would seem backwards to have him move in, then out, and for us to eventually move in together. We both know that right now, as we are, we both need room to grow. We can either grow further apart or grow closer together.
I have vowed to love me a little more. To make myself a priority. To fall in love with my sexy self again. It is this inner glow that attracts positive results on the outside. For now, It may seem as if I am settling by forgoing marriage and doing the LAT (Living Apart Together) thing with a much older man but what I know is this: I am gaining so much more from self improvement. Learning to love myself without someone feeding my niceties. Living without requiring another to make me whole.
If he is still here, great. If not, great knowing him, great loving him. If we never marry, I will be ok knowing that this was and is the greatest love I have I ever known from man. I will miss falling asleep with him every night and waking up to his kisses in the morning. If we fail, I will miss him. Right now, I miss myself. I want her back. She used to go dancing on the weekends and have a girlfriend on standby to go crazy with whenever she felt like it. She used to go on adventures of her own and not have to plan out weekends. She used to enjoy the spontaneity of sex, not just the "you're here I'm here let's do this" thing. She is ready for that and so much more.
The next entry will probably be written by a Black Divorced Not so Single Mom.