Tuesday, August 2, 2011
We Fought And We Freaked
And so it was that he has come back into the picture. HSS. Not totally. More like a partial eclipse. We have come to a mutual understanding I think. We will never be rid of each other. It took and entire night of fighting to get there, and fucking to nurse the wounds from the fighting.
I had mentioned that he contacted me a couple Saturdays ago, saying that he wanted to see me and wanting to know if we were really through. We had agreed on a late dinner, as I was busy running around with the kids all day. So we met up, and got some food. I was so tense and uncomfortable. I did not even order anything, I just picked off his plate (which annoyed him ...LOL!). Eventually we went back to my place.
I was past the point of expecting anything great, just going with the flow. I left him to go take a shower, a long one at that, so I could get relaxed. When I returned, we talked. We talked, and we argued. He called me selfish for telling him I was done with him because he was emotionally unavailable when he was going through his thing. He told me that he went to a therapy session with his mother to deal with some abandonment issues that he had. He definitely sounded a lot better since the last time I saw him. He'd put on some weight though and did not hesitate to call himself fat. I did not feed into it and ignored the comments.
The issue of me seeing others came up. He said that his ego was still finding it hard to accept but at the same time it would be selfish of him to not expect me to want to see others. He admitted that he was unavailable due to his hectic schedule, and until he was done with his degree and settled into a decent job it will probably remain hectic. He did indicate that down the road he would be open to becoming more serious, but right now he was incapable of doing so.
He talked about me and my tone of voice when I speak to him. I admit, I do come across as being bossy and according to him, a know it all. He said it was as if I was talking to my kids and I needed to realize that he is a grown man. I tried to tell him that I do not mean any disrespect and most times I do not even realize how I may come across to others. It was futile. He still went on and on til he ignored me and would not respond to my questions. I got up and walked out on him a couple of times. Went to sleep for an hour then got up and went back to him and we argued some more. After all the arguing I decided it was fruitless. He was in my home. It was very late. I was exhausted but super horny. I was determined to have my ever present thirst placated. I was going to get some. I walked back out to the den where he was watching TV and I asked him if he intended to have sexual relations with me that night.
He laughed at my very blunt and to the point question and then countered with a statement that led to our second major disagreement. He said he was bordering on categorizing our relationship as one of two things: a genuine friendship where we express our love for each other physically from time to time, or just a sexual arrangement. I responded by telling him that I thought we had a sexual arrangement and we were friends as well. I told him it had been a while for me and I was in need, so here he was and here I am and I was ready. He went on for a while, accusing me of treating him like a piece of meat, and saying that he was not even sure if we should continue with this so I relented and retreated to my bedroom hoping he would join me soon, which he did.
I had my back turned to him as he fiddled with the remote. Eventually I felt his hands wander all over my body, caressing me in the most intimate places. I was mad. I hate arguing. I did so for nine years with my STBE and here I was doing the same with a man I was not committed to. It was emotionally draining, and my body was so stiff. But the stiffness did not last too long as I found myself melting in the warmth of his touch. I turned my body to face him as he slowly kissed me, making a trail down my anatomy. He finally stopped at my fertile crescent, softly kissing each side of my triangle, and then parting my engorged lips like an unfurling flower, after which he dove in and feasted on the sweet nectar from my stigma. I moaned as I felt my inner thighs quiver with each flicker of his soft, warm, tongue. Needless to say, I was in heaven. Total bliss.
We made love to Sade's "No Ordinary Love" playing in the background. I was not even aware of it at first, but mid-thrust he stopped and stared into my eyes, shook his head, and laughed. I guess he agreed with Sade. When we climaxed I was in tears. He asked me over and over if I was OK. I kept insisting I was fine, but the truth is that I did not know if I was. I did not know what was to become of us, since neither one of us wants to end this. He held me close to him and I listened to his heart beating, trying to see if it was in sync with mine.
We rested for a little while and went back at it until about mid-morning when he told me he was going to be late for work. I did not want to stop. I wanted to go on forever, but I knew I could not. We showered and parted ways with a kiss. And now we are back in limbo. I have not called him since. I know that this is as far as it goes with him. As long as he is feeling unsettled, we will be unsettled. There is no denying that we love each other very much. But sometimes love is not enough. I will keep him close to me as I continue to keep my options open.