Friday, October 21, 2011

One Of My Most Vulnerable Weeks To Date

This week was by far one of the worst I have had in the longest time! And not that any major negative event occurred  No! I was just feeling lousy. There are many unresolved issues at home. I feel as if individuals in my immediate support system are not pulling with me. I thought I would have been much further ahead by now as it  has been a year since I've been working. But not so. I feel alone in many of my struggles. But I've got so many good things going for me at the same time. In a year I've gotten back on track with my bills, I've been promoted, I've lost weight, I have an active social life, and I have quite a few suitors. So why the hell am I so depressed???

This entire week I have had the nastiest headache ever. My head feels as if it is spinning. I get dizzy. My blood pressure is elevated. I feel as if I am hyperventilating. I've lost 10 lbs in as many days. I am irritable. My mother said that I have become unapproachable. I am short with the kids, even though they have become quite nasty in the past few months. (A separate entry is required for this). They have become so horrible that I contemplated giving them up for adoption. I even contemplated getting back with their dad and going to counselling to work on our marriage. After that I contemplated suicide.

What the hell is wrong with me? This is not me at all. I am equating all this to mean that I am tired of being alone. Now even though I have my pick of men I would never bring any of them around my kids unless we were planning to get married. So this is what I want. I want to remarry. I want a partner to split the bills and dessert with, someone to make me tea when I am sick, or take turns checking on the kids when they are sick. Someone to help me with the gardening or picking out new paint. Someone to back me up when the kids are sassing me. And someone to steal a kiss from throughout the course of the day. Just someone to be there. Someone to be my rock. I don't have that. Sadly, not even from those closest to me. In all my pain my mother has never hugged me and told me things were going to be ok. I need that. I need someone who can tell me it's going to be OK, and to hold me and reassure me. Someone to comfort me and encourage me. And I want to do the same.

So, I think I am in marriage mode now. I'm ready.

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