It's been a while since I haven't talked about my HSS. This was deliberate. We're in a very weird stage of our relationship right now. We haven't been physical since last summer, and really I've distanced myself from him in a way he was not accustomed to. But somehow in my keeping myself away from him he's always found some way to reach out to me. The last time I saw him was the weekend right before Halloween. He'd called me and informed me that he was not doing anything and wanted to take me to lunch. I was free that afternoon so I said why the hell not. We went out for a bite to eat and we spent hours just talking and catching up with each other.
To say I did not enjoy being with him would be a lie. I enjoyed being with him under the capacity of a friend. But there was this unspoken awkwardness and tension between us. In my mind I knew that the physical us were over, and to be honest I did not want to pursue anything like that, but there were just subtle gestures on his part that made me feel very vulnerable. For one thing, I just happened to not wear a bra that day, very unusual, and although I had a sweater and a hood on he just couldn't resist to mention that he was aware of my bralessness. Then it started to snow and he became very playful, throwing bits of snow at me while we were taking a walk and then touching me with his bare hands under my sweater. These gestures did nothing but make me wonder if he somehow was trying to get physical with me again but since I gave him an ultimatum in September he had not come out openly and indicated that he wanted to get intimate again.
After we left he called me about 10 minutes after departing to say that he enjoyed being with me and that he was sorry it had been so long since we last saw each other. It felt rather sincere to say the least as I hadn't expected to hear from him for another few weeks let alone a few minutes. I left wondering what the hell that was about, yet still enjoying the portion of our relationship I hadn't seen for many months: our friendship.
I went on about my life, not calling him, returning his texts, and remaining evasive with him whenever he would finally call me. He was the first person to text me Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. I'd never answer. He'd call and always want to pry for more information on my goings on, to which I would just tell him that I was just busy. He asked me one day if I just didn't want to talk to him. I did not answer. I did want to talk to him. I just didn't want to let my guard down again. I knew that there was no way he would be able to sustain and prolong the sudden interest he had in me. Yet still, I wanted my friend. The friend I had back when we weren't busy sexing and arguing. I missed that part of us. I wanted that part of us.
But with all this I couldn't help but wonder if it was possible for us to ever be just friends again. I'm pretty good at maintaining boundaries and putting up a wall when I need to. But from what I see he's been trying to break them down. Earlier last week he called me a couple of times, wanting to talk about some personal issues he had going on. All I could do was say "yup" and "mmhmm" whenever he said something that needed a response. His sudden willingness to open up to me was not sitting well with me at this point. In addition, he'd always manage to send subliminal flirtatious messages. Like Saturday morning for example, when we had our last blow out....
I was laying up in my bed, luxuriating in the lateness of the morning, the great night I had prior, and the quietness of my home as the children were gone. He texted me around 11:30 AM asking what I was doing. I told him I was enjoying myself in my bed. Yes, I did give myself a few orgasms, but I really meant that I was enjoying being able to laze about in bed. He did get very suggestive after that, at which point I told him that I wanted to speak to him, so he called. I asked him what was up, what role I played in his life, and where does he see us ending up. He asked me where I was coming from so I told him that his actions do not necessarily equate to someone who was just a friend. I mean, when we went out that day he couldn't resist putting my braless state on blast and touching me beneath my clothes. Since then he has not been forward but still would drop a few lines here and there that indicated he was still interested. Anyway, that is beyond the point now as all I wanted was to establish boundaries and confirm that we were friends and no more. He blows up on me saying that I was trying to spin things on him and blame him for my issues. He then says that he is not holding me back from moving on if that is what I wanted to do. The nerve of him! I told him that I did not need his permission to do anything in my private life, the only conversation I was having was about me and him, and I wanted to get it clear that I was not going to be in a yo-yo relationship any longer. It got heated until I basically hung up on him.
I was livid! I deleted his number from my phone, and all the texts we've had. Dick pics included. I have NEVER done that before in the history of me being involved with him. I am truly done! The whole thing was just stupid. I am beyond the stupidity. This entry will be the last time I will write about him or us in great detail. I'll reconsider it if he shows up to my door with a gun or roses. But as it is right now, he's history and I have moved on.