Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It's That Time Of Year...Dammit!!!

I hate Christmas. I really do. I can't think of a single one I'v enjoyed since I turned 17. Thinking back on my own childhood, Christmas was not a very joyous occasion for me. The most memorable Christmas I've had was when I was little and my father actually decided to spend it with me and my mom. The gifts couldn't stop coming. Homegirl got lots of gifts including a Nintendo. I lost sleep for days playing Mario and Duck Hunt.  And for the first time I felt like I was part of a real family. That did not happen again. My next and most special Christmas was with an ex I never mentioned. Right after I broke up with HSS I was in a relationship with him. We became an official couple that Christmas Eve night. It was magical to say the least. I have not felt that kind of magic since.

And here it is. It's that time of year again. And now for the second Christmas in a row I am a single mother of two trying to fake happiness for two unknowing children. I am grateful for the first Christmas he was not home back in 09. I guess that prepared me for getting used to him not being around.  This Christmas should be a little different than the last though. For one, I have lots of gifts that the kids are gonna just love! I hope I can keep the gifts hidden until the day comes! I also am breaking the old traditions and cutting ties with his family and just doing my own thing. My own thing for now might just be church in the morning, and a simple dinner for my kids and I and whichever straggler feels like dropping by. I also may end up partying at one of those clubs later on that night.

But as the days wind down to the festivities, I am feeling anything but festive. I have been insanely depressed lately. Been crying frequently. Thinking negative things. Wallowing in regrets. I feel like suddenly I am in grief. I feel as if my grief following my separation was delayed. I did not give myself time enough to sort through my feelings and so I get these episodes where I think about my failed marriage, as well as the ending of the relationship with HSS. And no, I do not want to be in a relationship with any of these men, but now I acknowledge that I had not taken any time to deal with my feelings but instead jumped back in the saddle, or saddles of other men. As it stands now, the Aquarian is relentlessly pursuing me but I will not give him the time of day. The Aspiring Writer actually confessed that he wasn't feeling the boy toy thing so we amicably ended our dealings. And right now, I am dating my long time friend, but we both agreed to take things slowly as I work on my feelings, as does he. I'm in a good place right now with lots of possibilities, but at the same time I would have loved to cuddle up around the fireplace this Christmas and ring in the new year with a new boo. But, it's all good because I know that my girls (kids and girlfriends) will have my back. And if I feel lonely my new vibrator that I will be gifting to myself for Christmas will take care of that! And also I have a gut feeling that next year will be great!


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