Thursday, March 10, 2011

Sitting Here In Limbo

That's what my girl said I was doing with my H. S. Sweetheart and that I needed to make a decision soon. She makes a valid argument but I know within myself that I am not ready to go there with him. In addition, the decision to have that "talk" with him could drive us even closer together or end our relationship altogether. I am not prepared for either. I am not prepared for heartache, and I am not prepared to be claimed.

Her Story

She may very well read this, but I feel that it is okay to share this because her story could be any woman's story. She recently got out of a bad relationship that lasted quite a few years. My friend met another man, who from what I gather seems to be a really great guy. At the time however, she was just like me: not ready to jump headfirst in another committed relationship. Finally after the new guy was treating her like his girlfriend she decided she was ready to make it official. At that point he decided that he was comfortable with their previous arrangement and unsure if he wanted to commit to her at this point. She reasoned with me that us women do not make our intentions clear from early and our men get comfortable with the arrangement because we have given them a free ride for so long. She told me that I need to be concise with him and state what I want and then wait.

My Story

You should be familiar with my story by now. Although I am through with my STBE physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I am still legally married. For various reasons which will go unmentioned, I have not filed for divorce, and do not plan to do so until certain matters are settled. I do not want to open one door before I close another.

I want love, sex, romance, and a friend when I need one. So far, I have this with my H.S. Sweetheart and I am content at the moment. At this time in my life, I also would like the flexibility to date or meet new people. I do not prioritize a committed relationship now, because I was in one for so long. But I think my wanting to explore my options is based on my own fears, a fear of being hurt or rejected by someone I am truly in love with. Him.

What To Do?

If in fact I do take care of whatever matters I have on my hands right now, and I am legally single and available, I would make him my number only. I do want him in my life. I am still deeply in love with him. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him again. I am just afraid. Afraid of putting the question to him and forcing him to make a decision and then have him back away slowly. I am nervous and shaking right now just thinking about it. I should see him this weekend so if I work up the nerve then I will tell him that I love him and I want to be with him. Will let you all know how that goes!

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