Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Let's Be Screwed Up Together
I got there at about a quarter to ten on Sunday night. I was nervous, irritated, hopeful, calm. I was feeling every emotion on every spectrum. As I called him to let him know I was sitting outside his house, I sat in my vehicle contemplating what my first words to him in person would be. He finally came outside and we hugged and shared a quick kiss on the lips. He sat in the passenger seat and then I began to unload on him.
I was frustrated with him cancelling out on me. He said that he was exhausted after working a full time job and going to school full time, and he was afraid of how it may affect his performance. (LOL!) I told him that we did not have to have sex every time we were together. We had prior conversations about spending time together even if it was a quick lunch or something simple. He then said that he did not think I would be interested because I only called him on the weekends when I wanted some loving. True but not so true. We are both busy during the weekdays so I will usually drop him a text here or there - most of which he never usually answers anyway.
So after beating around the bush I confessed to him that I had been thinking a lot for the past couple weeks and that I was in love with him and I wanted to be with him. He looked away and chuckled. Silence followed. To break the ice I decided to say, "and here goes the awkward silence."
He looked at me and said that he was just blown away by that and was not expecting it at all. I knew where this was going. I was the one who always harped on not wanting a relationship and wanting to see other people. Before he could remind me I told him that I had said all those things because I was insecure and I was scared. I was scared of being hurt.
He said he understood and he could relate. His seeing different women throughout much of his single life has always been a way of protecting himself from being hurt. He talked about personal issues that he was dealing with. Things such as the childhood abuse he suffered and his not being able to see his daughter on a regular basis came up. He was dissatisfied with where he was in his life on a professional level. I pointed out that he was working on achieving his goals, but he pretty much had it set that he was past his prime and still not where he wanted to be. In a nutshell, he said he was screwed up and probably in need of psychiatric counselling. I held his hand and said, "let's be screwed up together."
He looked at me, caressed my face, and said that he would put me through hell. I told him that I had been to hell and back with my STBE. He insisted he would put me through much worse and he loves me too much to do that to me. I no longer pursued the conversation. I told him it was time to go and leaned over to kiss him goodnight. My lips lingered much longer than I had anticipated and before I knew it he wanted me.
Without hesitation I went inside his house, holding his hand as he led me to his lair. He turned to face me as we stopped in front of his bed and before long our clothes were off and he was on top of me giving my body what it was yearning for. Yes, we made love. With each stroke I felt like I saw a piece of his soul enter me. We kissed each other madly, as if we were parched and the other was our oasis. He bit on my neck like he was biting into the sweetest piece of fruit he had ever tasted. He asked if I missed him. I replied, "of course I did." He whispered words in my ear that I couldn't hear but I knew exactly what he was saying because it was like an unspoken language between us. I felt my body almost levitating from where we were. I stopped breathing, tears streamed from my eyes, and my back arched as I grab his body and pulled it tight against mine as I climaxed. It was not long after when he told me to open up and receive him.
We laid there, spent. I told him that I came. He said he knew. I saw a look of sadness and confusion on his face as he stared into mine and probably saw the same thing too. We did not have to say anything. We were thinking the same thing. I asked him if he really did love me, he said he did. That was all I needed to know. I got cleaned up, dressed, then kissed him goodbye.
I do not know what is going to become of us in the future. We have always been in the background of each other's lives, but apparently we are both not quite ready to be in the foreground just yet. I think it would kill both of us if we were to cease communication altogether. Now that I wore my heart on my sleeve and put myself out there, let's see where it goes. Only time will tell.