Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Matter of Love, Life, and Death

Most recently I have been faced with some serious health problems. I found out a while back that I had hypertension. I had pre-eclampsia during my pregnancies but I always returned to normal after. This time around though my blood pressure has been going through the roof. I know this is because of the chronic stress I am experiencing in my life.

A week ago I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. My blood pressure was so high that they refused to clean my teeth until I had a release from my PCP saying that it was under control. I was taking my meds everyday. The only thing was that I was not taking them at the same time everyday because I had to take it with food, and since I have been plagued with the decision to tell H. S. Sweetheart about my feelings I have not been eating that much.

Monday night I was feeling terrible. I was fatigued so I went to bed around 8pm. Saw that CL Guy had texted but I decided not to respond. On Tuesday morning at 2am I was up and feeling like crap. Could not go to sleep. Hoping that he was up studying, I texted H.S. Sweetheart and told him I was not well and would probably go to the ER if my doctor refused to see me. He did not respond til 7am and told me to keep him posted. Out of courtesy I told CL Guy that I was not feeling well when he texted and had to take care of myself so I would call him later.

He texted throughout the day wanting to make sure I was ok. When I was at the docs he told me to call him if they decided to admit me to the hospital.  He did not want me to be there by myself. My blood pressure was through the roof. The nurse said I was a ticking time bomb and I was lucky my heart did not jump out my chest.

H.S. Sweetheart did text me and asked me where I was and told me to try to remain calm and relax. He did not say anything about wanting to be by my side and it made me realize how alone a debilitating moment like this can make me feel. I finally feel like I lose my sense of immortality. I have quite a few men in my life who really care about me, but the one I really want by my side would not drop all his obligations to be next to me. I know he cares but that really hurt. After I was treated I told him I was feeling a little better and he said he was happy to hear. Haven't called him or spoken to him since. Don't intend to. We had plans for this weekend so let's see if he follows through.  Otherwise, I will divert my attention elsewhere. I learned a trick a long time ago that the best way to get a guy's attention is to ignore him.

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