Attorney-at-Lost
So let me begin with an update on my old baggage. My STBE husband. On Friday I went to see our attorney. He has handled different legal matters for us in the past few years and now I wanted to get my divorce started. My mother-outlaw decided she wanted to come so she could to represent her son since he was out of state and we agreed to use the same attorney since he was not going to contest the divorce. She arrived with my brother-in-law. The lawyer pretty much ran through everything that would result from the divorce and as it stands, my STBE was on the losing end. I retain ownership of all assets, bank accounts, custody of the children.
Of course my monster outlaw was not happy with this and ran home and called her son and relayed the news. He called me quite frantic, asking me how I could allow the lawyer to disparage him and told me that he was going to disappear from our lives and I was to move on with mine. When he was done with his rant I reminded him that he was still the children's father. His response weas that he can't be a father if he can't be with his family, and I will find someone to take his place. He asked me to tell the children about him when they asked questions, but he was not going to be a presence in their lives any longer. Drama king anyone?
Boyfriend?
Anyway, that same evening, the Aquarian texted me to let me know he was in an accident. We were making plans for this weekend. We haven't seen each other since our tryst the weekend before. I offered to meet him at the hospital but he called me when he got there and told me that his brother was there so I did not have to go. To be truthful, I did not want to go. I hate hospitals. In addition, I had to pick my kids up.
Anyway, he was fortunate to have walked away from the crash alive, but his neck has been very sore since so he has been laying low. So since he was not gonna keep my company over the weekend I decided to give my neglected backyard some attention and hired a gardener to cut some wild bushes down at the back of my property. When the man saw the work ahead his remark was:"you need to get a boyfriend!"
My head suddenly felt light. I smiled the biggest smile I have had in the longest time and replied: "I think I'd like you to be my boyfriend." to which he replied: "Well let's make it happen."
I said I was game and he said he was too. And so boys and girls, Momma's got a boyfriend now! It's something I was not anticipating anytime soon but yes, I've decided to get serious with the Aquarian, whom I shall now refer to as "My Aquarian". LOL! We talked but we have not quite established the parameters of our relationship. I do know that he is not into the traditional paradigm of relationships even though he would like to get married someday. Our main thing is respect and open honesty, and he does not mind me seeing anyone else so long as I keep it 100% and remember that he is the Big Daddy. (His words not mine). LOL! I think I really like him!
Impromptu Visit
So, one day fresh after becoming official with My Aquarian I am in my kitchen, it is 9pm, and I am making a cup of milk for my younger one before putting her to bed. The older one was out with relatives so it was just me and her sister at home. Yes, so I am in the kitchen, warming milk, hair wet and stank with cholesterol in a plastic cap, no makeup, unshowered, and just minding my own damn business when my phone rings. It was HSS and he said he was outside. I was shocked to say the least! I mean, he has never popped up unannounced before.
Yes, I know I have been trying to get some documents from him and we were always planning to meet up at public places but for one reason or another we never are able to coordinate times. So anyway, I went out in the driveway to collect the things from him, I noticed that he switched off his engine and obviously planned to make his visit longer than a drop off and go. Mosquitoes were starting to bite so I invited him in.
A new episode of True Blood was on so he decided he wanted to catch it live instead of on DVR. My little one was buzzing around him and he chatted with her for a little until I tucked her in and jumped in the shower to rinse out my hair and put on something cleaner (read: more "appropriate"). I came out with my hair still wet and hanging past my shoulders, wearing nothing but a sleep tank, and a full glass of moscato. We talked in between scenes about what was going on in my world. I did not mention My Aquarian. Not that I was not going to, it's just that we had so much catching up to do that he never came up. When the show ended he decided it was time to go, and to be honest, I was ready for him to leave. This impromptu visit felt too awkward for me.
"What's going on?" I asked. "Talk to me."
He spent an hour right there in my doorway talking about what was going on his world. His feelings of inadequacy as a man, a father, and a son. deep rooted problems that I have never been able to help him with then, and still cannot help him with now. I reassured him that I was there for him if he ever needed to talk. He held me close again and kissed me on the forehead, at which point I just couldn't restrain myself and grabbed him by the belt and pulled his torso towards mine. He then pulled himself away and stated that his state of mind was cloudy right now, and sex was the last thing on his brain, but if we were to go ahead and do it, it would be meaningless sex, and he cares about me too much to treat me like a piece of meat.
At that point, I raised my palms in retreat and turned away from him. He then forced me to turn around and begged me to look at him in the face. I couldn't. I was hurt. I am not going to even deny that. Not hurt that he wouldn't have sex with me, because if I was persistent enough he would have. But I was hurt at the fact that he won't let me love him through whatever he is feeling at the moment. I want to be there for him. I have made it clear. But it is not enough. He admitted he has become a recluse. Typical crab-like behavior. Hiding in his shell. Anyway, I told him that I understood his stance and respected his wishes. That was not sufficient for him as he could see the hurt on my face. Eventually, we had to end the stand off so he hugged me one last time. I shot back inside and he walked out the garage. I did not turn around to watch him leave. I felt a load lift off me as I saw a reflection of his car lights go by on my walls. I sent a short BBM to my close friend and went right to sleep.
Letting Go
My husband has released me, my HSS has somewhat released me too as he is lost in his own world. So now I feel free to fly, wounded and all. I am in the process of shaking my old bags and not becoming like the bag lady Erykah Badu sings about. I am packing light and letting go. I feel myself opening up to new opportunities of love. Speaking of which, my college sweetheart contacted me on FB today and the sparks are still there. He wants to see me next time he is in town. I'll meet him for a drink or so. Don't think much will come of it as he lives 5 hours away, which was the reason I did not pursue a relationship with him back then. I CANNOT do long distance. But, he always has a special place in my heart. Amidst all my encounters, I am hopeful that My Aquarian and I will have a long and meaningful relationship, and that I can close all the old chapters in my life and get rid of these old bags.
Sidenote: One old bag I was actually happy to find was my favorite Coach wristlet. I have been searching for it for about a month! I literally turned my house upside down trying to find it. I began to suspect my former sitter of stealing it as she had been eyeing it and making comments about it. Oh well, I was relieved that I found it and that she was not the culprit after all, because I really liked her!
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