Wednesday, December 26, 2012

WINNING!!! But Feeling Lost...

Homegirl is WINNING!!! Winning what exactly? Respect, admiration, and favor from the Boss Man. So this man and I have gotten closer in the past few weeks.  Much closer. Shortly after Thanksgiving, he entrusted me with the responsibility of coordinating a community event for the holidays.  I was flattered that he had considered me for the job and determined that this was an opportunity to showcase my talents as a super organized multitasker and event planner.  I was already used to planning small events in my circle, but never such as large scale.  I drafted letters soliciting donations from various businesses and thanks to my effective persuasive writing, I pulled in thousands for our event.  I was also able to secure entertainment of all kinds. I checked in with him, the Boss Man, on a daily basis, updating him on my progress and just happened to get a lot of one on one time with him as a result. We spent hours running errands together, making purchases and preparing for the big event.

Finally the day came where all my hard work would be revealed, and the result would be happy patrons, staff, and a happier Boss Man. The night after the event, we were doing some errands together, and he let me know then that he was very pleased with my work and told me that I did a very nice job and that he was pleasantly surprised. He even went as far as making a public acknowledgement of his gratitude in the cybersphere, referring to me as “tireless”. A testament to my hardworking character.  He also promised to take me shopping for a new phone as soon as time allowed, as my phone is currently on life support with its cracked screen and general wear and tear.

So, he says to me that I have become very useful and started making plans for us next year. I cut him off right there and tell him that I did not know about any next year. He playfully replied that he would simply find a replacement since I already laid out the foundation. We both knew that I was bullshitting about next year, and he was bullshitting about finding a replacement.  After all this, I am beginning to see that we really do work well together. I compliment him in areas he is lacking, and vice versa. He calls me whenever he wants an opinion or just needs to vent.  He’s been around the kids a lot more than before, in a VERY platonic manner of course, and it is kinda cute to see that awkward look on his face when he gets bombarded by little girls. Above all, we just vibe naturally. I feel a genuine friendship mixed with a strong attraction. I feel myself liking him more than I should.  I know that I could never fully have him.  He is a community man.  He is so preoccupied with giving to the community and putting on events that he can easily neglect those closest to him.  I know that no matter how close we become, or even if we were to become an official couple, I will never be first on his list of priorities. I know I could never truly be happy with him.

So now I am stuck with the decision of whether or not I want to continue like this with him. I feel myself wanting to withdraw. I want some time to pass between us before our next conversation so that when we do speak again, it would be like speaking to an acquaintance. But I know that this will not happen. I feel like somewhere, I have cemented myself in his thoughts, and maybe even his heart. It is evident in the way he looks at me, speaks to me, touches me, and calls me boo. I am lost.

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