Sunday, June 19, 2011
A Change of Pace
On Memorial Day I called H.S.S. Just to say what's up. He sent my call to voicemail. Then he sent a text saying that it was his daughter's birthday and he was not in a good mood. That triggered an emotional reaction in me and all hell broke loose. After careful consideration I sent him a text message saying that I didn't want to see him anymore and that I have given up on him. His response was: ???? I said nothing. Weeks went by with neither of us saying anything to each other. I missed the hell out of him. I missed us. Not the sex or anything like that, I just missed my friend. Of course I complained to my very close friend about missing him soooo much that she urged me to call him. I knew he would be very hard to get on the phone so she prompted me to send him an email. I did so a week ago.
First thing I did was apologize for how I reacted when he said he needed his space. I told him that I felt that he was always shutting me out at key moments in his life and all I want to do is be there for him as his friend whenever he was feeling down. I also mentioned that I needed him to be my friend and whenever I tried to reach out to him he was always unavailable so if he was unable to be a friend to me in my moments of despair or joy then I was not sure if he really wanted to be a part of my life. Two very long days went by and on Tuesday he responded saying that he was sorry he did not try to respond to me when he had the chance, and also that he had a lot going on but I was not to make assumptions about his intent.
I did not respond to his text, and 2 days after he sent it he called. He asked me if I received his text and I said yes. He asked why I did not respond. I told him I did not know what to say. He laughed and said he was amazed that I, _____ _____, was at a loss for words. We chatted for a while until I ended the call. He's called and texted everyday since that. So ironic that all this is taking place in a point when I am ready to transition.
In my heart I still want him, but I know that all those issues are still there. I would have to deal with his constant hiding in his shell, and coaxing him out. I recalled the events of our first break up and these were the same issues then as it is now. But I love the man, and I want him in my life, even if it's in the background as he has been all these years.
Oops, I Did It Again
During all this I have been exploring. I know I said I would never date anyone I met online ever again but I could not resist the urge. I went browsing on Craigslist again, and decided to give one of those more serious dating websites a shot. I got hits almost immediately. You got the usual jerks, the ones who come off as being too desperate. Then there was this one guy that I was attracted to. I will call him "The Aquarian". For some reason I was drawn to him even though our signs are incompatible. He is a corporate attorney. Three years older than me. A father to two girls in the same group and with the same gap as mine. We have similar interests, and he was very straightforward. And after speaking with him on the phone I knew I would like him and I wanted to meet him. But what really won me was that he paid attention to me when we talked. He has called/texted me every single morning and night because he knows I like that.
Some time passed and I finally decided I was ready to move on from H.S.S. and date other men. In hindsight, I should have been doing that from the beginning but I let his shutting down on me when I told him I wanted to date others dissuade me. So, I went out late Friday night and met up with The Aquarian in Downtown. He's a little shorter than I would have liked and not someone I would be outwardly attracted to (not saying that he isn't attractive but not my usual type). But he was such a gentleman. We went to a nightclub and talked, had a few drinks, and danced. By the end of my Long Island Iced tea and 2 Cranberry Grey Goose I was ready to leave. As we danced I felt his rock hard member against me and I knew I was not going to go home before I experienced him. As a matter of fact, I shaved clean before I left home just in case. After we exited the venue we went for a little drive somewhere and did unspeakable things. All I know is, I think I met my sexual soulmate! He says I am definitely a keeper and he'd like to be intimate with me for the next few decades. A little much for me, but ok. LOL! I really like him and we connect. I don't see him as a lover per se, but as a friend I can have fun with both in bed (or wherever) and out.
Our sexual compatibility reads:
Aquarius and Taurus:
Taurus sees an adventure in Aquarius. These two signs will party, play and be very good friends. There is much to be learned from one another. They will have similar ideas and share common goals. Aquarius will be instantly attracted to sensual Taurus. Taurus will stick with Aquarius in sickness and in health. Aquarius will feel at home with Taurus.
Taurus will find Aquarius independence very attractive. This is a highly rewarding combination that has both long and short term potential. Before they know it, they could fall madly in love. (Sidenote: yikes!) Taurus is serious and sensual. Aquarius considers Taurus a keeper and friendship will always be evident long after the attraction has ended.
They will learn more about themselves in this relationship. A long-term relationship could result in marriage and children. (Sidenote: eek! ) Taurus must show appreciation at all times and tone down dramatic episodes or Aquarius may flee.
The Road Ahead
I don't know what's up with H.S.S. Since my email he has been trying to reach out to me. Even sent me a pic of his dick which made my heart skip a beat. Even after I told him we were not like that anymore he tried to see me last night which was to his detriment because I did not respond to his calls/texts. He got frustrated and said that I must have been too busy because he was trying to get me so he was going to bed. I texted "OK" when I knew he would have been asleep. I feel that as I drift away from him and focus my attention somewhere else, he will pursue me. But as I tell my friend, I am tired, and I am done with being shut out. It's crazy, I dealt with arguing and abuse, cheating I can live with, but being shut out emotionally I cannot tolerate. Who knows, maybe in a moment of weakness I will land back on his dick when I get a breather from The Aquarian (who by the way does not intend to give me a breather, but I have to make him miss me and think about me some lest he shall get bored..lol!). The road ahead is uncertain but definitely interesting. Maybe H.S.S. will decide that he really wants me in his life and will want to make it work between us. I can't say, but if he wanted to he would have said it. All I know is that I am just taking things one day at a time, and living in the moment.