Monday, June 6, 2011

And So It Begins

The end that is.

The kids had a wonderful time with their dad. I was happy because they were happy. My older one really. She was smiling from ear to ear and bouncing off the walls. The younger one, I heard, was apprehensive of him on the first day and would not stay in his lap like the older one. She would rather climb up on her uncle's lap (my brother in law). This of course hurt my STBE very much but he realizes that he has been away for almost a year and he left when she was just a baby. But I am glad that visit is out the way and my blood pressure has gone back to normal, somewhat.

Now, he called me on Friday when the kids were on their return trip home. He called again on Sunday and literally put me on the spot.  He wanted to know if I was still going through with the divorce and if I didn't think we could salvage our marriage. I told him that I did not think we could resume our relationship as there were many problems before he left and just because we are speaking on a relatively friendly basis now, does not mean those issues have been resolved. His absence has made our relationship better than his presence ever did, and if that is not a sign I don't know what is.

I like my life now. I like not having to stress over little things such as dirty laundry on the floor or making a four course meal every Sunday, or the petty arguments. Most of all, I love having my bed all to myself. Even when H.S.S. sleeps over I look forward to his leaving so I can get my bed all to myself. I don't rest well with another person next to me. I don't even let my kids sleep with me on a regular basis. The downside to being single is being a single parent. I have been sick since last week and the kids caught my cold and now we are all sick and miserable. There was no one to care for me but I have to care for the kids still. Yesterday I had to ship them off to grandmother's so I could rest up for work today. If he were here I could play the sympathy card and have him do more, but the fact is that I would have to nag and connive in order to get pampered or have him take care of the kids. I do not want to have to go through all of that again. I do want to be married, just not to him.

So my STBE is basically telling me that he does not want to get his hopes up about us and that I should just cut him off completely if I don't want us to be together again. I told him that only time will tell but right now I am leaning towards the divorce. Also, I reiterated that we will always be in each other's lives because of the kids and it is of benefit to each other that we help each other when we can. If both of us are ok, then the kids will be ok too. He agreed. I suppose the time he spent with the kids made him realize what he was missing out on. The chickens have already flown the coop. I am all about progress. The day he left, I prayed hard to God to take him out of my life. I would be a fool to go back on an answered prayer!

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