That was what the last text that I had received from HS Sweetheart today read. I spent a pretty decent weekend with him and I wanted to blog about it. I felt that we made a breakthrough, on more than one level. A serious reconnection if you will...
I was not in a good place with him, mainly because I have not seen him and it was over a month since we've been intimate. The lack of intimacy was fine with me as I had decided that I was gonna go celibate for a while. It was more our lack of communication that was driving me crazy. The fact that he expected me to not see anyone else and he did not try hard enough to keep in touch with me was killing me. But after a while I decided that celibacy is not for me. I love sex. It is a fundamental part of who I am. So after our last serious conversation earlier in the week I agreed to see him again.
So anyway, he came over on Saturday night and all I have to say is O-M-G!!! I can't explain what was so different about this time but it felt like we were making love, and we were one. And when we weren't making love we were experimenting with our kinkier sides with each other. I absolutely loved it! It was just crazy! Despite the awesome, amazing sex, my favorite part of our night was our heart to heart.
After the cessation of our first round, I hastily proceeded to get up from the carpet where our bodies had been intertwined but he pulled me back. I have intimacy issues stemming from my marriage. My STBE and I never cuddled. It feels foreign to me now, but my HS Sweetheart has been slowly breaking me out of that habit of rushing off or going right to sleep after sex.
He wanted to talk. He asked me if I was afraid of him. I asked him to be more direct. He asked me if I was afraid that he would hurt him. I told him yes and that I did not trust anyone. He then went over the events in the past that led to me not trusting him and assured me that I would not have to worry about the past repeating itself.
He also went down memory lane, discussing the breakdown in our relationship and how I'd hurt him after we broke up when he was trying to reconcile or at least be friends with me. I feel bad now, because back then I really was a bitch to him. There was a reason for that which I look back on with regret but I will take that skeleton out of my closet at another time.
During our conversation I also discussed with him how I was feeling at the time. Like an object put on a shelf, collecting dust, until the owner decided to give it some attention. Only that he was not my "owner". So it led him to query me about my desires. I told him that I wanted a booty call with benefits. He reminded me that I already had that with him. He made me realize that what I wanted was more. A relationship without the titles.
I suppose that was true to some extent. I want a man with whom I can have wild, crazy sex with, cry on his shoulders, go see a movie with, ask to wash my car or fix a leaky faucet, have an occasional lunch with, and more wild, crazy sex. To some extent I do have that with him, but as I pointed out that night, I just wanted to see more of him. It did not have to be a big production, but it could be just as simple as a quick lunch, or a ride to work or wherever. He brainstormed ways for us to accomplish this. Even reminded me that his schedule would free up in the summer so we could spend lots more time then.
This made me realize that he was comfortable of the idea of a relationship without the official titles. To confirm this I asked him if he was scared of the notion of being in a relationship with me. In his own dramatic way he told me no.
So this evening he sent me a text to tell me that he enjoyed being with me over the weekend. I replied that I did too. He asked me what's next. Truth is, I don't know. I love what we have. I think it could go beyond what it is now. I am not, however, prepared to make that step. I have a lot on my plate right now and so does he. To be with him will affect relationships I have with others. For now, I am letting my head prevail. My heart waited over a decade to get him back so more time won't kill us. But I do know that I am still unapologetically in love with him and that love carries me from day to day, from turmoil through triumph. We've been through so much together, apart, and now after all this time we are together again and that is enough for me right now. ♥