What A Mess With HSS!!!

I don't even know what to say about him. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum and that ended the physical relationship for us. He has tried to holla after that but I have moved on beyond the booty call with benefits stage with him. I mean, a set up like that can only work if you are getting the booty after you call right? Unfortunately, that has not been the case for us.

So the last time I posted about us being intimate was the last time we were intimate. He has tried to come see me a few times after that but was always too tired or caught up in something else. After my brief fling with the Aquarian I had basically decided that I was on no uncertain terms going to ever lock down for a man who was not mine ever again. So after getting frustrated with HSS on Labor Day weekend I sent him a text saying that I wanted to see him on a certain night and if he did not show up I would know that he really has no desire to be with me and he would not hear from me for a very long time. Two days later he called asking me what the hell kind of threat was that. I told him I do not make threats, I simply let him know what time it was. I was getting frustrated with being put on the back burner. I am a single parent and my time is very limited, yet still if I find someone worthy of my time I will make arrangements to be with them. I have done so on numerous occasion for him, so I do not see why he could not do the same for me every so often.

I hung up on him after telling him bye in an acidic manner. Two weeks later he texted me in the midnight hours. I did not respond. That following morning he texted back and asked me how comes I did not respond to his texts. I told him I was busy. He called me the following Sunday but I was working a concert so again, I told him I was busy. He has not called me since. Now, I hope he sees what it is like when the shoe is on the other foot.

Make no mistake, I love this guy very much. Yes, he has issues, and yes, so do I . But my issues have never stopped me from loving him the best way I could. And now, I just want to be loved. I told him this in one of our conversations prior to me giving him the ultimatum. I do not want to be alone. I do not want to be dating a million guys. Yes, I am enjoying the attention and regular sex, but at the end of the day I want a man. I want someone to cook for, dress up for, and cater to in every other way possible as he mows the damn lawn, cleans the gutters, takes my car to the shop, and shows my girls what a good husband and father looks like. I cannot do it all by myself, and I am tired of doing it all by myself.

So now that I know what I want it becomes more obvious to me that he does not want the same, and so I am slowly healing and moving on. I'm really proud of myself for not caving and calling him over on those nights when I needed some but because my current lover lives far away I could not get any. Believe me, I've driven past his exit a number of times wanting to pass by his place but never have.

Saw this on my girl's FB and it rang so true:

"If he misses you, he'll call. If he wants you, he'll say it. And if he cares, he'll show it. If not, he can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth his. "


So that's where I am at folks. Waiting to see who misses me and who cares about me enough to show it. I have my eyes on a bigger prize now and I am praying that a job transfer here will bring us together!

blkmsm@gmail.com

The College Boo Reunion

So let me start off by saying, that this guy here would have been THE ONE, had I not already been involved with the STBE. We get along great! Never had a disagreement that we could not talk through and resolve, and he is smart andsexy as all get out!!

We met in my sophomore year of college and were good friends onwards. To be honest, I always had a crush on him but never pursued because I was either on lockdown or lacking confidence. I mean, I was just a plain Jane compared to those other hot girls who dressed like they were going to the club when going to class. I was a sneakers, t-shirt, and jeans type of gal. I would rather be caught dead than wear high heels on campus.

Anyway, we always had a connection, but it was not until our senior year that we really connected. I don't know how, but I ended up spending time in his apartment. I had been briefly single but were just platonic friends at that point. One night we went out to a sports bar in town and partied with our friends, and I was too drunk to drive home and ended up in his bed. It was no mistake that I ended up there though, as I have always been attracted to him and figured that it was time for me to find out what he was made of.

We dated that entire summer, not just sexing either. He took me to dinner on a couple occasions, we went to the movies, and he took me home and introduced me to his grandma. But at the end of that summer he was gone. He went out of state to go to grad school, and I was stuck at home unemployed with a bunch of student loans to begin paying off. I got scared because I was never one to pretend that I could maintain a long distance relationship and I wanted more. I was having baby fever in the worst way. So, I got back with the STBE after a string of failed relationships. I had some difficulty conceiving at first so it was not until years later that we had our first child, which I never regretted one bit. I just regretted that I did not wait for the college boo.

We reconnected a few months ago, and he shared with me that he wanted more that he could not find where he was living now. He wanted to settle down and build a life with someone who bore similar characteristics to me. I was very flattered to say the least. I've never thought of him as more than just a friend. Even when we were dating I never believed that we would go beyond that. I just thought he was too good for me. He said he didn't like hearing me say that I let him go because I didn't believe he would come back to me. So all this blew me away and I decided that maybe I should just go out with him once to see what I had been missing.

He was in town the weekend after his birthday in August. I decided I was going to go all out as I wanted to make this really special. I got us a suite at a very nice hotel and I got ready there. When I was dressed and waiting in the lobby, the girl that had been working the front desk told me that I was looking amazing and she questioned me about my plans. I told her that I was meeting an old friend for dinner. She gave me that sly "I know what you're up to" kind of smile and I winked at her and went outside to meet him.

He pulled up in his brand new coupe and OMG my heart skipped 10 beats. LOL! He was as fine as he was __ years ago! We hugged and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me I looked wonderful and he didn't want to ruin my makeup. I told him that he hadn't changed a bit. I did though. I look hot now compared to years ago. We talked and caught up until we got to the restaurant: this chic pan-Asian restaurant in Downtown. Dinner was fabulous and followed by drinks at an upscale lounge nearby. He was exhausted from his journey and we decided to call it a night- a very early one at that as we left after 10PM.

We got back to the suite  and I left him to go freshen up. By the time I got out the powder room he was already undressed down to his t-shirt and boxer briefs (which fit him very well...). I said "oh well", and removed my pants and crawled under the covers with him. We spooned for a while until he started kissing me and caressing me, then he finally asked me why I was turned away from him. I turned to face him, we stared into each others eyes, then he took my chin and kissed my lips. After that, I don't have to go into much details.

I thought it would have been amazing, but it brought back memories of why I did not pursue a relationship with him in the past. The brother has a very nice dick, and it is a decent size too, but he could never please me. He would stop a lot while I was just getting into the groove of things. Also, he does not seem to have a lot of endurance. I was sad. To make matters worse, he does not eat the cho-cha. I do not require it all the time, I can go months without it, but you'd better get down there and start vacuuming when I say it's dusty. Point is, I like to be pleased, because I like to please as well. It would seem as if he is into one-sided sexual pleasure, which is a deal breaker for me.

Dare I say that if we should end up together I would try to break him out of his no foraging shell? Instruct him on how to fuck me enough to make me satisfied? Yes, yes, and why? Because despite his lacking in the bedroom department he is a keeper. He's hardworking, honest, reliable, good looking, has a great sense of humor, and has been a great friend to me for as long as we've been friends. I've learnt through much trial and error that usually the men who could make you lose your senses in the bedroom often made you lose your senses elsewhere. In other words, you can't have it both ways. My STBE was a little selfish in the beginning of our relationship but he learnt quickly that if he kept me happy then he would be happy. Sex is and always has been very important to me. Good sex that is.

So what's next with the college boo? Well, we both agree that long distance relationships aren't our cup of tea. He is actively trying to move back this side of the world. If he does then I would give him a chance to show me that we have something going on. Shit, I'd marry him and have his babies in a heartbeat if he asked me. You all KNOW that is a huge deal for me right? LOL! I asked him to be my date for an office function next month and he agreed. I don't want to read into anything too soon, but I know he must really be into me if he is willing to dress up in a tuxedo and sit through one of these boring office parties with complete strangers just for me. He has said on more than one occasion that he likes being with me and he misses me. The feeling is definitely mutual here.

So, should I go for it if the opportunity presents itself?



blkmsm@gmail.com

Some Cream For My Coffee, Please!

So one Friday night a couple months ago, I made plans with a girlfriend to hit the nightclubs. She was booed up with this hunky Polish guy we met in the club for my birthnight celebrations and was taking him. I was not excited to be the third wheel so I went through my phone and called up this vanilla guy I had been talking to for a while. I believe I mentioned the single  date we went out on a few months ago. It so happened that another girlfriend of mine was going out in the same area with this vanilla guy that had been pursuing her. So, all three of us decided to meet up with our dates in the only Jamaican lounge in Downtown. This place is frequented by, you guessed it, Jamaicans. There are usually a few sprinkles of cream there but they cater to a predominantly upscale Hip-Hop, R&B, and Reggae crowd.

So my girl and her Polish dude were already there early. They stuck out like a sore thumb. My date wasn't expected to be there until near closing time. My other friend and her dude got there a little late and the bouncer wouldn't let her guy in because he had a T-shirt on. Yeah right! There were other black men in there dressed in T-shirts. Reverse discrimination anyone? Eventually we were able to butter him up and he let her friend in.

 Finally, my date shows up but he was too afraid to enter the club by himself. [Insert rolling eyes here]. I met him around the corner and walked him in with no problems. Of course the bouncer was giving us the evil eye as we went in. I ordered him a gin and tonic (his favorite) and we chatted for a while. I felt the stares and whispers all around us. Earlier, I ran into a few female friends and I had been chilling with them and dancing with them prior to my date's arrival.  Now, they were not as accommodating as they were earlier. Side glances galore!

So I decided I'd had enough and took my guy and we left. I walked him to the basement garage and we were trying to decide what to do next, but to be truthful, it had been about 6 weeks since I's gotten laid and all I wanted to do was fuck. We started some very serious tonsil hockey. The windows were already fogged up and I was ready. So like a soldier, I never travel without my gear. The condom was out and his cock [white guys love this word apparently] was hard. But for some reason, although he wanted to do it I think he was very uncomfortable with the impromptu sex. He appeared to be startled whenever a car passed. So, he just couldn't maintain an erection long enough to get it in. I guess I can say I went third base with him but didn't make it to the home plate.

I was pissed to say the least! Felt as if I wasted my frikking time! I don't know what I was expecting that night but I know I was at least expecting to get laid. He didn't even dance with me once as he claims he has two left feet. As it is right now I have no desire to be with him, or to see him again. He calls every now and then, but I ignore his calls. I could tell he was uncomfortable in that setting. I did not feel uncomfortable when I was out with him. But to think about it, black folks tend to be a lot less tolerant of interracial dating than white folks are. The way they eyed us (my girlfriends and I along with our dates), I am not so sure if I could handle the judgmental stares on a regular basis. Particularly with someone who is uncomfortable doing things I enjoy doing, like dancing to some Travis Porter. LOL! I think if I were to ever get my swirl on again it would have to be with a man who has a deep appreciation for my heritage, who makes me forget that he is from a different cultural background.  Not a man who makes me feel awkward to be with him in a setting that is familiar to me.

blkmsm@gmail.com

It's Raining...Men

Life has been so hectic lately! As I said before, I have been busy with work, family (drama), and my men.

Almost every weekend in August I have been on dates with different men. September would have played out the same had I not had so much drama going on in my life.  HSS is not in the picture right now, more on him later. The married ex, um, more on him too.The Aquarian is somewhat in the picture as well, at least he is TRYING really hard to get it in. And oh yes, I finally got to hook up with my college boo. I say I was gonna keep my options open didn't I? So here's a brief intro to two of my suitors.

 

Mr. Africa

He was one of the first few men who responded to my profile on this dating website. I kinda blew him off initially because I found him to be too wordy and somewhat positioned himself as this man of greatness because of his achievements and his belief in charity and community service. Even though I blew him off, he was persistent. We exchanged emails while I was seeing the Aquarian. Somewhere during that time he pretty much convinced me to talk to him on the phone. My initial feelings were right. He was indeed a chatterbox. I hate it when people talk too much. So much so that I could not get a word in edgewise. He would keep cutting me off mid-sentence. I addressed him on it right away and he admitted that was one of his main faults. He gets so excited during a conversation that he forgets that the other person is speaking. But he coined me as a bass mistress. Meaning I like to sport fish. And right he is. I explained to him that some fish you throw back, some you eat, and others you cherish forever as they hang on a plaque on the wall. He wanted to know which category he fell in and I told him that time will reveal that answer.

So anyway, we start speaking more, READ: once a week. He still could not keep our conversations to under half an hour so I avoided his calls when I was really busy. He texts here and there and I keep it brief with him. At some point since the past couple months he has been listening to me as I fill in him in little personal details of my life. Not everything now, just what I wanted him to know. And he knows that my children are my world.

So when I decided I was through with the Aquarian a couple months ago I decided that I would meet him in person and see if we hit it off. Before I even told him I wanted to meet him he was inviting me on a getaway to Mexico. I declined even though I really could use a vacation. I have some new bikinis I wanted to wear before summer ended. LOL. But seriously, it was just too soon.

After cancelling and rescheduling a few times we finally met up one Friday after work.We went to a sushi bar and I had one of those lovely rolls with a lychee martini on the side. The conversation was good and I have to say I enjoyed myself. I just don't feel the sparks with him. He is handsome, just not as tall as I would like. (Why do I keep getting the itty bitty men?) He dresses nicely, wears what I assess to be a $2,000 watch, has excellent taste and manners. He is intelligent. In a great job. Teaches Sunday school. Active in Big Brothers/ Big Sisters. Not afraid to get in touch with his feminine side. And he loves kids. Oh yes, he would like to have his own someday. Y'all know that is the deal breaker for me right?

Why is it that the nearly perfect guy is not the one for me? We ended the dinner with an awkward hug. He did not want to let go. He said he really liked me and he wants to see me again. So I met up with him at an Indian buffet a few weeks after. (He picked again!) We had a great time still. I decided I like him, but not enough for him to be the one. He calls me ever so often wanting to know when we will have some alone time. I have yet to respond.



The Aspiring Writer

He is an enigma. This guy dresses like a thug, yet he speaks like with such intellect. He does not use slang and speaks plain English. He is a navy veteran, college educated, but unfortunately he is also broke. I met him when he was in between jobs. He found one now, a security job, that pays great overtime. I know the economy is rough right now, and a job is a job but I hope that he eventually does something to achieve his dreams of being a successfully published author.

We have been getting to know each other for the past three months. We went out on a date in August, but because of the distance between us (an hour) and the hectic nature of my life I have not been out with him until late last month when he brought drinks over and we snuggled up on the couch and had a movie date. That was the first time I had een intimate with him and I absolutely loved it. I went to his place this past Sunday and it was only better than the first. The brother can make a sister happy!!!

We get along great, we connect, and the sex is just fabulous! But I know deep down within me that the attraction begins in the corners of his mind and end in the seat of his pants. The comic books, anime, video games, and occasional weed smoking really do not cut it for me. I would like to settle down with a grown man for once, I am so done with overgrown boys. I really do like him. But that is it for me.


There's a lot more juice to this cocktail and I will follow up as soon as I can.

blkmsm@gmail.com

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I must apologize to you all for the lengthy delay in between my posts. September has been a very crazy month for me. Between work, my family, and my men I had so much going on all at once. Thankfully, the fast pace ended today and so will my brief hiatus. I promise I will catch up with you all soon. I have to fill you in on all that has been going on in installments. It's raunchy, juicy, and emotional. In the meantime, I invite you to jam to my theme song for this past month:

10 Steps To Surviving Single Motherhood

I must first apologize for the lengthy delay between my posts. I have been extremely busy! Busy with my life. You know? Work, kids, home, and men! Last week marked the first anniversary of my journey as a single parent. I took the day off as a day of recollection, but got swamped with many personal errands I had to run.

As in the case of most of us, I did not choose this path for myself. I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting to have children after I have married. That has proven useless. In this one year, I have learnt so much about being independent and dependent at the same time. I've learnt when to put my big girl britches on, and when to let the tears flow freely like a baby's. Below are 10 things I learnt about how to survive being a single mother.



Build Your Team 

You will need a solid team of individuals behind you. The "I told you so" and "He was no good" does not make the situation any easier. Surround yourself with positive individuals. Some on the inner circle of your life, and some on the outskirts. Root out the naysayers and the untrustworthy. You feed off the energy others send so it is important to surround yourself with the right kid of energy.

Be Independent

Self sufficiency is the aim of the game. You want to be able to take care of your kids and live a little every now and then. The job market is rough right now but try to align yourself in one where you can acquire transferable skills. And don't hang your eggs in one basket. Hustle. If you have side ventures going, you will weather the storm better if you should somehow lose your main source of income.

Ask for Help

Contrary to the above post, we have to depend on others at times. No man is an island. And neither is woman. We need help from time to time. If you try to go it alone you WILL fail. Trust me. No one ever got where they are on their individual merits.


 Be Fearless

Get rid of your fear and do something you've always been afraid to do. Go back to school and get that degree you've been thinking about. Start that business others said would never get on the ground. Get that haircut he did not want you to get. Wear a bikini if you feel so inclined. I like Nike's slogan: Just do it!


Pray

I know not everyone believes in the same deity if any at all, but there is something comforting in knowing that a bigger force is operating in your life. For those of us who believe in God, Allah, Buddah, whoever, we pray to the great one because it decompresses our thoughts, hopes, anxieties. It sends it out there into the universe with a relief of having shed some of our burden and with the expectation of having it heard and returned to us in the form of granted favors. Kind of a simplistic view on prayer, but it would be comparable to paying a shrink to listen to you for an hour, and only to have left with the answers you've figured out for yourself in the space of that time.


Get Organized

Your life, if it was not hectic before, is now out the bazoo crazy! You are doing the job of not one, but two. And if you ascribe to the village and child theory, then you are doing the job of an entire village. So you will need to have your stuff together so you can function and be efficient. Your time is your most precious resource. It is very limited and must be split a number of ways so learn to use it wisely.


Time Out

Yes, there will be times when you feel overwhelmed. Times you feel like you're just going to lose it. I've blogged about a few of those times here on this site. But it's ok. Take the time you need for yourself to rest, recuperate, regroup, and rejoin the battlefield. Life is a constant battle, and if you are constantly fighting you will get burnt out. Don't feel guilty for taking some time for yourself. Every once in a while you should do something for yourself. Go partying with your girlfriends, or take a weekend getaway by yourself.

Recently I checked into a luxurious suite just a few minutes away from my house.  That night, I slept on a cloud! I felt like a new woman as I left that hotel. I felt ready to face the crap that was ultimately destined to be thrown at me. It was one night of solitude, peace, and quiet, and I swear I am going to do it as often as I can.


Don't Worry. Be Happy

We spend so much of our time worrying it's unbelievable. I myself am a worrier and it is no wonder I suffer from high blood pressure. I will sleep and wake with the same thoughts of "what if's" and "how can I do this". We have to train ourselves to believe that everything will be ok once we do what we need to get done. My mantra is to do what I can, when I can, for as long as I can, and leave the rest up to God.



Let Go

One way of moving forward with your life is to let go of the past. I have come to a point where I talk about my STBE less and less. I sometimes find myself forgetting some painful events between us in the past. I don't get that tightness in my chest and gall in my throat the way I did before. I have moved on. And to what I understand it is clear to EVERYONE that I have moved on. I am glowing and showing like I never did before. I'm not happy but I am getting there. I've learnt to let go and let God.


Get Out There

Not saying you should rush to find the next Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now. What I am saying is that you should network with your friends to find out what kind of market it is out there so when you feel ready you know how to charm someone. It is a skill some are blessed with naturally, but most of it is from trial and error. Go out and enjoy meeting random strangers. Get your flirt on. It is a confidence booster to have someone interested in you so much that they would wanna try to get to know you. There is nothing more shameful to me than social awkwardness, particularly in dating. I have a friend who just cannot land a second date ever because she has been off the market for so long and has no clue whatsoever about wooing the opposite sex.  SMDH!!!

Survival Bonus: Breathe

Literally. When we are tense our breaths become rapid and short. We do not get enough oxygen to our lungs. Our heart races to pump blood even faster to circulate oxygen throughout our body. So we have headaches, elevated blood pressure, dizziness, and a general feeling of being unwell as a result of this. Take the time to practice deep breathing. Train yourself to recognize when you are being agitated and slow your breathing.


blkmsm@gmail.com

We Fought And We Freaked

And so it was that he has come back into the picture. HSS. Not totally. More like a partial eclipse. We have come to a mutual understanding I think. We will never be rid of each other. It took and entire night of fighting to get there, and fucking to nurse the wounds from the fighting.

I had mentioned that he contacted me a couple Saturdays ago, saying that he wanted to see me and wanting to know if we were really through. We had agreed on a late dinner, as I was busy running around with the kids all day. So we met up, and got some food. I was so tense and uncomfortable. I did not even order anything, I just picked off his plate (which annoyed him ...LOL!). Eventually we went back to my place.

I was past the point of expecting anything great, just going with the flow. I left him to go take a shower, a long one at that, so I could get relaxed. When I returned, we talked. We talked, and we argued. He called me selfish for telling him I was done with him because he was emotionally unavailable when he was going through his thing. He told me that he went to a therapy session with his mother to deal with some abandonment issues that he had. He definitely sounded a lot better since the last time I saw him. He'd put on some weight though and did not hesitate to call himself fat. I did not feed into it and ignored the comments.

The issue of me seeing others came up. He said that his ego was still finding it hard to accept but at the same time it would be selfish of him to not expect me to want to see others. He admitted that he was unavailable due to his hectic schedule, and until he was done with his degree and settled into a decent job it will probably remain hectic. He did indicate that down the road he would be open to becoming more serious, but right now he was incapable of doing so.

He talked about me and my tone of voice when I speak to him. I admit, I do come across as being bossy and according to him, a know it all. He said it was as if I was talking to my kids and I needed to realize that he is a grown man. I tried to tell him that I do not mean any disrespect and most times I do not even realize how I may come across to others. It was futile. He still went on and on til he ignored me and would not respond to my questions. I got up and walked out on him a couple of times. Went to sleep for an hour then got up and went back to him and we argued some more. After all the arguing I decided it was fruitless. He was in my home. It was very late. I was exhausted but super horny. I was determined to have my ever present thirst placated. I was going to get some. I walked back out to the den where he was watching TV and I asked him if he intended to have sexual relations with me that night.

He laughed at my very blunt and to the point question and then countered with a statement that led to our second major disagreement. He said he was bordering on categorizing our relationship as one of two things: a genuine friendship where we express our love for each other physically from time to time, or just a sexual arrangement. I responded by telling him that I thought we had a sexual arrangement and we were friends as well. I told him it had been a while for me and I was in need, so here he was and here I am and I was ready. He went on for a while, accusing me of treating him like a piece of meat, and saying that he was not even sure if we should continue with this so I relented and retreated to my bedroom hoping he would join me soon, which he did.

I had my back turned to him as he fiddled with the remote. Eventually I felt his hands wander all over my body, caressing me in the most intimate places. I was mad. I hate arguing. I did so for nine years with my STBE and here I was doing the same with a man I was not committed to. It was emotionally draining, and my body was so stiff. But the stiffness did not last too long as I found myself melting in the warmth of his touch. I turned my body to face him as he slowly kissed me, making a trail down my anatomy. He finally stopped at my fertile crescent, softly kissing each side of my triangle, and then parting my engorged lips like an unfurling flower, after which he dove in and feasted on the sweet nectar from my stigma. I moaned as I felt my inner thighs quiver with each flicker of his soft, warm, tongue. Needless to say, I was in heaven. Total bliss.

We made love to Sade's "No Ordinary Love" playing in the background. I was not even aware of it at first, but mid-thrust he stopped and stared into my eyes, shook his head, and laughed. I guess he agreed with Sade. When we climaxed I was in tears. He asked me over and over if I was OK. I kept insisting I was fine, but the truth is that I did not know if I was. I did not know what was to become of us, since neither one of us wants to end this. He held me close to him and I listened to his heart beating, trying to see if it was in sync with mine.

We rested for a little while and went back at it until about mid-morning when he told me he was going to be late for work. I did not want to stop. I wanted to go on forever, but I knew I could not. We showered and parted ways with a kiss. And now we are back in limbo. I have not called him since. I know that this is as far as it goes with him. As long as he is feeling unsettled, we will be unsettled. There is no denying that we love each other very much. But sometimes love is not enough. I will keep him close to me as I continue to keep my options open.


blkmsm@gmail.com