Thursday, April 11, 2013

Like Sand Through The Hour Glass...Pt. 4

He drew back in his seat with a look of disbelief on his face and said "Why do you ask?"
I handed him the prescription he just picked up for me. I then said,"You see that prescription you have in your hands? My doctor called me this morning and told me that she suspects I have a bacterial STI and I know I was tested at the end of October and I was clean."

I explained to him that I was seeing other people at the beginning of the relationship but I was always careful. I did not tell him whether I stopped seeing those other people and since he did not ask, I did not volunteer that information. The point was, at some point between then and my surgery I got whatever the hell I had. He read the name of the prescription and typed it in his iPhone. He then read the info he found on it and exclaimed that it was a powerful dose of drugs and was sure to knock me out. I asked him when was the last time he got tested. He said he did a complete physical a couple weeks before and everything came back OK. I told him that he would still need to be tested and treated. His phone rang and he said it was his younger son calling and he had to go get him. He hurriedly got up and busted through the door but did not get far away enough for me to yell out

"Are you going to answer me? Yes or no?!"

His reply was, "yes but not like that..."

"Not like that?" I said.

"I'll call you right back, I promise," he said.

Then he was gone.

He did call me back as he promised. Within 5 minutes of leaving. He started avoiding the topic at hand, talking about business and in a very excited tone. I half listened and once I had had enough I told him in a stern voice that we were both adults and we are free to do whatever we wanted but when it comes to matters like this we need to do the responsible thing. I was not angry. I was not confrontational. I just told him what time it was. I said no more. I don't remember who came off the phone first but after about 20 minutes we hung up.

He called me the day after, all jovial and shit like there was anything to laugh about. If there was anything that pissed me off about this whole thing, it wasn't my potentially contracting whatever but his response to it that had me wondering "WTF?!!!" That morning I made an appointment with another doctor and went there in the evening and got myself retested. I was told that I would get a phone call if they found anything. I took my antibiotic after that. Couldn't hurt, right? He called me after my appointment and we spoke at length. He asked me where I was and I told him that I was at an appointment. He did not mention anything about the night before or if he followed up. I did not ask either.

The calls were frequent, and daily. Not like him at all. He would check on me, ask what my plans were. A mutual friend of ours was having a party that weekend and I decided I would go. It would pain me to see him there knowing the air was thick between us, at least on my end, but I wanted the outside to see that I was OK even though I was hurting deep inside.

That Saturday was the first day since my surgery that I was home all by myself. It was as if everything hit me all at once. The fact that I almost died. The fact that I conceived his baby. The fact that I lost this baby as well as a part of my reproductive organs, the fact that I might have contracted an infection, and the fact that I may lose him.  It was just too much at once. I felt alone and unloved. And I just cried and cried and cried. All day I laid in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself.

I was so weak and depressed. It took me 4 hours to get ready. I did not leave my house until 1:30 AM to show my face at that party. He got me some water and a chair but when I saw the women hugging on him I got so sick to my stomach I had to move. I suffered silently as I did a two step next to this couple I was friends with. About an hour later I had about enough and decided to go. I paid for it the following morning as I could not get out of bed for much of the day.

The calls still came in every day. They were brief and mostly business related. Finally, after about a week and a half I could not take it anymore. He was at work that night when I called. I chit chatted with him about minor stuff until I just came out and asked him whether or not he ended up getting tested and treated. He said he did the test and it came back negative but he still took the antibiotics. I revealed to him that I went to get retested and they have not called me so I assume that everything tested OK. I then told him that I did not care what he wanted to do and I would not stop him from seeing whoever he wanted to see but when it came to me and him having unprotected sex, it has to only be between the two  of us. He told me that he had to attend to something at work and he would call me back. I did not care if he did or not because I already knew what was what and there was nothing more to discuss where that was concerned.

Since then he was very loving and attentive, even scolding me when I told him I was going to go to a party the following Friday night. He claimed my body was worn down because of my crazy work schedule and lack of sleep. He was right, I knew it, but I was just jerking his leg to get a reaction, which he wasn't aware of. I wanted to pull away. I wanted to make him sweat. Wonder what I was thinking, doing, feeling. I wanted to end it. But then I started observing things in him that I never saw before. I started to allow myself to feel what I did not want to feel. I finally started to see that this man was really into me, because he finally started showing it.

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