Wednesday, September 23, 2015

When You Know You've Lost Your Way

Lately I just haven't been feeling like myself. I would have bouts where I would just cry for no particular reason at all. I spoke to the Boss Man recently during one of our now infrequent check ins and he asked if I was feeling sad or lonely. The truth is, I was neither sad nor lonely. I just had a lingering feeling that something was not right with me. So weeks went by. My sleep got worse. I would fall asleep OK but wake up several times during the night. Hell, one night I even peed the frikking bed!

So yes, I know. I have been suffering from depression. Why? My symptoms began sometime when my sister was sick and eventually passed. It had been worse since then. Recently, it has affected my relationship with Mr. Man and my close friendships. I was just withdrawn and spending entire weekends in bed. Whenever I wasn't in bed I was drinking, at home. I hit a rock bottom when I felt myself become insecure and let my feelings cause me to do something I wouldn't otherwise do in a confident state of presence. I am so ashamed of myself that I cannot even bring myself to say what I did, I just know that I will never do it again. But, I doubted this man. I doubted that he could love me how I needed to and I began to withdraw. He in turn began to doubt me and reportedly began evaluating our relationship as I did the same. Our findings were mutual. We cannot be without each other. So the question do we be with each other without driving the other away?

I became very introspective. I literally had to coach myself through the nights and will myself to live. Not just to breathe air and go through the monotony of life but to be ALIVE! It finally hit me that I have been living but I have not been ALIVE. I have been doing everything that everyone else asked of me. I have not done much for myself. I have been a great employee. I have been a great mother. A great lover. A great friend. A great steward of the community. I have not been a great friend to myself.

And so it is with this realization that I have lost my way and I need to find it back, In the past I took solo trips to find my balance and I would return energized and ready to face whatever love or disaster that was waiting in the wings for me. I used to exercise, eat right, socialize more. I have love. I know that. I have the respect of my friends and colleagues. I have a great job. What I don't have is me so I am on a journey trying to find myself . Well, rediscover myself.

How do I go about doing that? So far, I am trying to do more things by myself while at the same time, trying to get out and do more with others, if that makes any sense... More with others outside of my bubble that is. I have become too caught up with Mr. Man and his drama that it has inherently become my own. Same could be said about my best friend. Same could be said about my community involvement. Lastly, my job. I have already started winding down with my job and my community involvement. I quit working overtime and running to and from meetings.  So here's to finding my way and hopefully being able to navigate the rocky roads which lay ahead.

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