Panic Driven Relationships

It's media headlines like this and this that sometimes send me in a panicked frenzy, contemplating getting back with undesirable exes or initiating relationships with men whom I would never consider on a regular day.

I read a headline on my favorite blog, madamenoire.com entitled: Black, Single & Sad? In essence, what I took away from it is that even though black women are statistically inclined to being single, we should not lower our bar just because the available options are not to our standards.

OK, sound advice. What about the happy part? The comments that followed somewhat drove me into ambivalence. I see some women saying that most good black men are gay. I think it is a rather broad brush to paint our men with and I feel a sense of denial too when I read that. I see other women saying that they were happy to be single and waiting for the right one to come to them. Having a positive attitude rocks! But what about when you hit your mid 30's then 40's? Suppose you have been waiting to have kids but Mr. Right never comes around?

I think that fear was what drove me to get married when I did at 21. I can't say that the fear is unique to African American women, but our pickings are very slim. I am happy I produced two healthy children from our union. But here I am, not quite back at square one, but without a partner to grow old with.

I miss a few things about being "spoken for":

• Date night
• Help around the house with the heavy jobs
• Sharing decision making in the household
• Feeling protected
• Feeling that special kind of romantic love

Here is what I enjoy about my newfound single life:

• Sleeping in my own spacious bed sans snoring
• No arguing
• The freedom to come and go as I please
• No arguing
• The freedom to cook as much or little as I please
• No arguing
• One less person to clean up after
• No arguing
• The freedom to see whoever I please.
• No arguing

I cannot say one is better than the other. I enjoyed a dual income household and now I am in a financial hellhole because of the loss of another income (which was significantly greater than mine). Some days, like when I read articles with negative headlines, I feel like giving my STBE husband some space and then when he resurfaces actually going to some counselling sessions and then slowly move him back in. I am not totally delirious. I know a leopard cannot change its spots. (Jer 13:23) Other days I just say fuck you and fuck him too!

Que sera, sera.