Segment 1 - The Vanilla Experience Pt. 1

I'm still enjoying the steady cocktail of men. I'm relishing in the attention. I am living it up! But ladies and gentlemen, I am sadly in lust with one. He's significantly older than I am but gawd is he swexy!! I mean, I could just smell his cologne and melt!!! And as much as I don't trust him or his intentions it is becoming clear to me, day by day, that he really does like me too. Enough of him for now, let's talk about the vanilla experience.

So last I mentioned, I went out with this very vanilla man who happened to love the chocolate experience. Nothing wrong with that. But homes was too needy. We had a great first date and went out for a second and it turned to shit. Why? He wanted more of me. To see me frequently just because we happened to live in the same town.

He picks me up with roses in hand two nights after our first date. It was a very sweet gesture. At the poetry jam he was trying to snuggle up close to me but, "dude, we been out on one date. I have not gotten to know you like that so back the eff off!!!" was all I was thinking. All the way home he was bitching about how lonely he felt and jealous he felt of all the other men hugging on their boos, and how if he were black it would have been different. He spent 2 hours in my driveway bitching and moaning about never being able to get a good black women because the good attractive ones like myself were too busy working and the ones that had all the time in the world were lazy and expected to be taken care of.

He was just pathetic. All the whining. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. So I tell him I had to go to bed because I had to work in the morning. I lean in to give him a hug and he starts to kiss me. I was like WTH are you doing?!!! I got out of the car and I told him good night. He replied that yeah I should just go and sped off so hard his tires smoked. I peered around the corner to see if he would crash and die but the sorry bastard didn't.



Oh well. I decided that I did not want to do the vanilla thing again. I love my papis. And the Asians are ok too. But no one got me as well as a black man did...as grimey as they are.

I'm Baaaaack

It's been a long time! So much has happened since. So much I want to forget. So much I regret. And so much I will cherish forever. So where do I begin? Do I tell you about the drama with baby mama? The unpleasant vanilla experiences? The really low one night stand? The wanna be sugar daddy? The one who won't stop texting me? The stank reunion with a past love? The blast from the past who may just end up being the future? My brief stay in the psych ward? HAHAHA! No I was not kidding. *serious face* I'm gonna fill you all in if I could only remember where I left off.


Stay tuned!


blkmsm@gmail.com

Adventures in dating

I've been so busy! Work, my business, and my volunteering have kinda slowed down my sexcapades. Not much to report other than the fact that I have met so many men recently, both online and offline. Many of them fine as ever with decent jobs or going places in life. I'm happy to report that I've actually stood in a room with many handsome black men in suits. Went to an alumni event and dragged my girlfriend with me for company. Being that I went to a 92% white college I did not realize until then that I went to school with so many black hunks! As a matter of fact they were well represented at the event. Didn't see too many sisters so the pickings were great for me and my girlfriend. I caught up with a couple of the cuties, one of which I had a crush on back in the day. He was feeling me too but we drifted odd into different circles and never really kept in touch much. As a matter of fact, he was very good friends with my college boo...

Speaking of the college boo, I had the most pleasant surprise of my life. Guess who was checking out my online profile one weekend? Yup. Turns out the bugger is single and wanting to mingle too. Too bad he lives so far away. I texted him right away when I got the notification and we both had a good laugh. I told him that he needed to move back in-state. He said that was what all his friends kept on telling him. He said he was coming back next month and I asked if he would like to get a drink and catch up when he did to which he replied, "of course!". It's great that we are still amiable, we were friends for a very long time before we were ever intimate and I will forever cherish that, but I have a feeling that is all we'll ever be as the circumstances are just never right for us. And, I believe most of all that if this man really was sure that he wanted to be with me, he would have moved mountains, as I would have for him.

 Thinking back to all the the conversations I had at the alumni networking event, I realized that no matter how together the brothers seem nowadays, most are just too scared to actually allow themselves to fall for a woman. The ones who were actually married were another thing. They all had roving eyes. One of the guys I was talking to was happily married and happily checking out my friend. I've also ran into a few of my married friends out in the clubs a few times, never with their wives, and usually grinding on some girl or checking them out. So this leads me to ask...is monogamy dead?

One thing's for sure, this woman is absolutely not ready to get with anyone like that. If it's anything the Hombre taught me was that although two people may be great together, if the circumstances aren't right then there is no way it can work. I am enjoying my freedom. I am enjoying meeting new men. I am enjoying me. I met a man a while back, and he is very vanilla. He lives in the same town as I do. Has a steady job that pays decent. And seems to be an overall great guy. We met for the first time last night and I enjoyed it. So much so that they closed with us still sitting there chatting. LOL! He wanted to go somewhere after but I was exhausted and it was late. I don't know why I went on that date. He did mention to me that he only dated black women. Usually I'd shun a man who said that because I don't want to be anyone's fetish fix. However, when I learned that he'd actually been married twice, both to black women (one died, the other he divorced), I was more open to meeting him. So everything went well and we have a second date, but now I'm reconsidering it because he told me that he's looking for a wife. I did explain to him that right now I was not looking for a relationship of that nature. I was looking for a friend to be there for me, an activity partner, and someone I could get intimate with every now and then when nature calls. Already I am just feeling that anxiety return. The same anxiety I had when the Hombre and I were getting too serious, too fast. He's already checking my availability, trying to see how often we can spend time with each other. Since he lives in town, I suppose at least once a week would be fine, depending on where he wants this to go. I'm fine with a date here and there, a sexy romp in the bed, but to actually let someone in my heart again, I will admit it's a freaking scary thought for me. And even more scary is the Aquarian.

I still am keeping him at bay. He calls and texts almost everyday. Recently we got into it because I decided I just did not feel like speaking to him for a couple days. His response to that was that the next time around he would like a swift response. I asked him if I owed him money or something. I just don't like how he is getting a bit too comfortable with me, as if we were together. I tell him time and time again that I don't want to be in a relationship. He says he understand yet he will say some off the wall shit. I know I like him enough to have sex with him and party, but he is not the one for me. He makes comments like he wants us to have a child together in the next five years because we'll both still be young enough for at least one more. Recently he even told him that he loved me. I get the feeling that I'm gonna have to cut him off with a swiftness even though deep inside it hurts because I do like the man.

So, I'm back to square one. Me, myself, and I.  I got money on my mind right now and I am working hard to start a business that will hopefully become successful in the future. Men, I realize, are readily available. The good ones, are not. I trust in the universe that he will come to me, when I least expect it too. But for now, I will enjoy the cocktail of men who are available. I will continue to sharpen my senses so that I can smell bullshit from a mile away and deepen my awareness as to what I am looking for and what I am trying to avoid.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Returning To Stasis

So, The Hombre and I officially parted ways just about 2 weeks ago. I was incredibly sad but at the same time relieved! I just couldn't understand why I would feel like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders when a man I had real feelings for, probably the first man outside of my high school ex that I ever felt this way about, had basically agreed to stop seeing  me. He and I split up the Monday, and my cousin told me that by Friday I would forget about him. And she was right. Well, not all the way right because I still think about him from time to time. But I don't feel as sad anymore because The Aquarian was right there to wipe away the tears, from my heart that is.

Now, please don't get it twisted. I am not and do not hope to pursue a relationship with this guy, ever. But the thing is, he was just there. I had my truck in the shop doing what I thought was an hour repair. Turned out to be about 6 hours. I had to have my cousin pick me up so I could borrow her SUV. I dropped her to work and went about my business. By the time the shop had called me saying my SUV was ready I had gone through my phone book, trying to find a friend who was available to drive my vehicle from the shop to my cousin's workplace. Guess who was the last resort?

He was very willing. I picked him up in front of his office and we caught up with each other on the way to the garage. There were a lot of things left unsaid between us. I got a lot off my chest. Most of the things I've held against him for the past 6 plus months turned out to just be my insecurities running amok. He let me have it and I felt like shit for not giving this man the time of day and assuming the worst at all times. You may or may not remember that in the beginning we had expressed to each other that we wanted an open relationship. The only condition was that one was to let the other know what was going on. It proved too much for me so I ended it. But, since then he has not stopped reaching out, calling, texting, even when I ignored him. And now, I needed a friend and he was the first responder. I bought him a drink afterwards, at a strip club nonetheless. At that point of the evening I was in a vulnerable state. Me and the Hombre had just broken it off like two hours before and my emotions were still reeling. But the old adage that says the best way to get over one man was with another rang true. I made a date with him for that Friday.

It's wintertime, and I really prefer staying in most of the time, and it had been raining all day so that made matters even worse. But the rain makes me oh so horny and I was ready. The moment he walked through the door and saw me, he declared that we were going to have to skip over business and move right on to pleasure. I did not mind. I needed a release. I needed a climax and then eventual return to stasis. My emotions had been going crazy ever since I started dating the Hombre and I just wanted to feel balanced  and find my equilibrium again. And so I found it, in his pants...among other locations.

I had music playing, and this man did something to me that no other man had ever done with me behind closed doors. He took me in his arms and danced with me as if we were on a dance floor with an audience around us.  We're both freaks so the usual married folks sex just doesn't cut it for us, but somehow the usual was just unusual that night. I don't even want to share the details of what took place after but I will say that his exact words were: "we're making love now...". I don't know how many times I came, but he sorted me out good and proper, and we did not even get to try some of the things we'd been planning to.

 Usually I'd be watching the clock and anxious to kick him out but that night when he drifted off to sleep I allowed him to rest. I did not rest though. There is just something about sharing my bed with a man that irks me, even from when I was with my husband. I love having the comfort of a warm body next to mine, but I guess the constant awareness of another person keeps me awake. Not to mention the snoring. He left early the following morning.

Even after the man had announced to me that he wanted me to be his wifie and have his son, I still know in my heart that even if I do feel something for him, it would never be enough to make me want to give myself to him fully. For now, I will just enjoy what we have: a booty call with the benefit of a friendship. He's there when I need him, and that is all that matters to me for now. As for my pursuit of a real relationship, I have not given up. I'm not anxious to bedding anyone right now but I remain open to meeting new people.


blkmsm@gmail.com

The Post Valentine's Aftermath

So if you've been following from the beginning of this blog you'd remember that my ex and I got married on Valentine's Day. This has been a very difficult day for me since we've split. This year, even more complicated because all my insecurities with The Hombre, and men in general, have been messing with my nerves.

The day before, I was a mess. Fortunately my girls were willing to go out with me to this event to help get me out my funk. The day of, I was actually fine. Just when I was on the phone telling my cousin I was going to break it off with him, The Hombre sent me a text wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. I received a ton of greetings from friends, family members, and old or wannabe flames. (The Aquarian was the first to wish me HappyVDay, professing that he missed me and the usual stuff). I was fine. After I left work I decided I just wanted to stay in so I canceled my date with the girls. I went home to my kids, I did an hour of Zumba, and crashed. I think I weas asleep before 9PM. I did not even have any of the Cabernet I had bought the night before.

So tell me why, this morning I woke up feeling like shit? I mean, I have been in a funk the whole fricking day! I had the day off and had planned to get a workout in and tackle some chores. I did nada but sit and mope and wallow in my misery. I had one meal today and it was dinner, just because I forced myself to eat. Oh yeah, I called the shrink and I am now awaiting a slot so I can get some much needed help. I definitely AM NOT ready for any kind of relationship, so whenever I see him again I will end things with The Hombre. My GF says if it's any love I need right now, it's self love. So damn true. It's amazing that we as women give so much power to undeserving men who we allow to ruin our self esteem and make us feel unworthy. In the back of my brain, all I hear is my ex telling me that I was damaged goods and would never find another man to love me. And yes, he did say those awful things. I am not making this up.

I can hear Whitney Houston playing in my head.

In the meantime I decided to give myself some homework. I am making lists of the following:

• things I love about myself
• negative thoughts that come up throughout the day
• things that make me happy
• things that I can do to fill my time
• at least one good thing that happens to me each day

A positive life starts with a positive inside, and I have lots of work to do in order to accomplish that. Please, if you are a praying person, keep me in your thoughts and prayers.


blkmsm@gmail.com

I Could Be Happy..If I Don't Screw This One up

I've wanted to tell you all about this for a while now. I've met a man. I like him very much. If things keep going the way they are now, he just may be the one.  I've never felt like this about any man I've met since splitting up with the ex. Even the Aquarian. I liked him very much. As a matter of fact I still do. But there were just little nuances about him that I could never get over, one of them being the open relationship thing. I thought I was up to that, but then ultimately decided that it was not for me. There were a few other things that turned me off from the Aquarian, but the main thing was that I was never able to trust him, and I am afraid that this trust issue may end up affecting this potential relationship I have with this man.

Let's call him The Hombre. We met at the end of November, online of course, and have been in contact ever since. Things started off veeeery slow, but I was initially interested in him since we first came across each other. He's a few years older than I am, divorced (ex wife cheated on him), father of two (great father at that), and made a decent living as an IT specialist with the federal government. He's laid back and easy going like me, and very respectful. His smile is one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen and I think it was one of the first things I fell for when I met him. Still, I stare at his smile and his beautiful pearly teeth whenever we are together.

So, I wanted to take my time to get to know him and do this the right way. I felt as if I was ready to pursue a new relationship. Eventually, we went out on a couple of dates, even been to each other's homes a few times, and still this man was a gentleman. He never pressured me into doing anything with him. We made out, yes. But whenever I felt it was going too far I would back away and slow down the tempo. So a couple of weeks ago I finally decided that I was ready. I mean, I was horny, yes. But I felt like I'd asked him the important questions, covered all my bases, and gained a feeling of security from him. One of the questions I asked him was his intent where I was concerned. He expressed that he was seeking a relationship. Good, so was I. He doesn't want anymore kids. Neither did I. We pretty much agreed on every major point that came up in our conversations, and had the same goals. So yes, we finally experienced each other and it was wonderful. Fucking for fun is great, but fucking someone you genuinely like and see yourself being with is super fucking amazing!!!

The Hombre lives half an hour away across the state line. It's kinda far but not OMG far. We both lead busy lives. He has his kids most days, as he was the one to keep the family home, so if he's not working he's fathering. and when he's not doing those things he's busy doing other ish in his life. I get it. Same here too.
Fortunately we've been able to see each other once or twice a week. In between those days he texts me a lot, usually in the mornings, and always checking in with me and asking me how my day was going.

Somehow, the week following our first time being intimate was insanely busy for both of us. More so for him. He said his ex wife was on vacation for 8 days and so he had the kids during that time. Even so, I still felt a debilitating anxiety. He was not texting as consistently as he did the couple months before. I wondered if his affections were waning now that he'd gotten what he worked so hard for. I wondered if he was playing me. I wondered if he was already bored with me and the thrill was gone. I swear, I drove myself crazy wondering all kinds of stupid things that I wanted to cry. He's not on my FB as we both agree that social networks are the kryptonite of relationships. His profile is public so I was able to log on and see what he was up to. Everything he posted corresponded to where he said he was, who he was with, what he was doing. and guess what? His ex wife's profile is also public and I was able to see that she was indeed on vacation. I also went on his sister's page and everything corresponded to the little details he shared with me. So what the hell is wrong with me? This man has been nothing but good to me so far. He has given me no reason to mistrust him. Yet still I am snooping around and doubting him, robbing myself of sleep as I wait for the other shoe to drop. "He's great now," I tell myself, "but when is this prince going to turn into a frog?" I've become so burdened with these thoughts that I tell myself that I am going to break it off with him because I just couldn't take the not knowing. I couldn't take the fear I was feeling of being hurt again. And then it occurred to me last night, that I need counselling, and maybe I shouldn't have pursued another relationship so soon, even though I really did not pursue him, it was the other way around...

I decided I was going to wait until I saw him to tell him how I felt, and I did not anticipate seeing him until some time in the week, but to my surprise I was up at 6 AM and there was a text from him saying he wanted to see me today. About an hour later I was at his house. I was just so happy to see him. Of course it did get physical, (and before I forget to tell you all, he's a great lover!) but we caught up with each other, and I shared some of what I was going through. No, I could never tell him about the FB part. LOL! But I told him that I was afraid and it was fucking with my nerves. He said he understood how I felt, having been cheated on by his ex. But the main thing was to deal with it one day at a time and not let it consume me so much. He did mention that he had done therapy and did not feel it had much effect on him, but encouraged me to try it. The he pinched my nose, and kissed me, and I don't remember what happened next but it was great. LOL! After a long kiss goodbye, I drove off feeling a bit less anxious about us, and good about the direction our relationship was heading in, but also more determined to work on me as best as I can. I began this blog admitting that I was a mess. I am less of a mess than I was then, but still a work in progress. Tomorrow I am searching for a therapist. I am happy that I found what may grow into love but I am scared as all get out and I don't want to screw this one up.

And by the way, I'm swirling.. ;-)

blkmsm@gmail.com

He Wore Me Down

I've been having a great new year so far, socially at least. I've been out to eat and have drinks so much lately that I'm starting to feel fat! Friday night, I went out with my girl and my bro. Drinks, movies, more drinks, and dancing. By 2:30 AM I was done! I wanted to go to bed and smile in my sleep, after I put myself to sleep of course! I was feeling full and happy. But throughout the night the Aquarian kept texting that he wanted to see me. I showed the texts to my bro and asked him for advice on how to get rid of him. I mean, I've done everything I could to possible get rid of him. Not taking his calls. Telling him I've been seeing other men. Telling him to leave me alone. But no, this man wanted to see me so badly, by the end of the night after dancing and talking about sex with my friends, and being celibate for two months, this dude calls me and after saying some very effective words, he convinced me to let him come over.

I told him that my family was there even though they weren't so that I could get him out right after. I did not want to wake up to him in the morning and see the mistake I made staring at me, hoping to go for another round, and maybe get some breakfast. I opened the door and he kissed me so long and hard I had to struggle to free myself. The sex was, OK... I guess. I came. He did. And I got his ass out before the sun came up so it was a success.

So now I am back to square one. I want to get rid of him in the worst way. Since I've been keeping a lid on the vajayjay I've stumbled on a very wonderful thing, and it may be love but I am waiting to see how it develops before I spill the beans. I am very, very, happy  with the way things are going and can't wait for it to grow into something deep and meaningful. I'm just so ready for more. And I feel that leaving myself open for new opportunities is only possible if I close those other doors. And I am trying my endeavor best to do just that.


blkmsm@gmail.com