So Happy It Hurts..Literally: The Ins and Outs of Letting Someone In and Settling After the Dust Settles

I've been warned. My closest friends told me so. The unrest and drama that comes along with loving someone who is not available is costly. I can't say that I am available too but I was in a better predicament than he was. I have not been with my estranged husband for five years. He remains a thorn in my side and has yet to grant my wish for a divorce, which I hope to be final by next month. But I digress. Despite all this, I forge forward because I know in my heart that for whatever period of time we both share together on this earth, I desire to spend it with him. Why? Because I have opened up my soul to someone who was a stranger to me not so long ago. And he has opened up his heart to me as well. Not only  that, I have already willed myself to be alone at whatever point our relationship ends, or however it ends, be it by death or mutual parting.The dust is beginning to settle, and I with it.

So now, his divorce is final. The process of disentangling lives, properties, emotions are in full gear. Court enforced deadlines are dangled like a carrot on a stick. He set a period of two years for himself to recover financially. But what about emotionally? How can one truly recover from something as devastating as a divorce? Not so much the divorce itself, but rather, a marriage that was just a bandaged lie. One that should have ended years ago. One that should have never began.

He shared with me today that he did not ever see himself being married again. It hurt. It truly did. But truthfully, I have said the same myself in the past. Who can bear to put up with the headaches that are associated with your common relationship? But the pragmatist in me who is also seeking security would like to be protected in every aspect of my life, and that includes legally.

We have spoken often about merging our lives and moving in to our own home together. He has been staying with me since the year began as he is in the process of finding a new home of his own. To the naked eye it would seem backwards to have him move in, then out, and for us to eventually move in together. We both know that right now, as we are, we both need room to grow. We can either grow further apart or grow closer together.

I have vowed to love me a little more. To make myself a priority. To fall in love with my sexy self again. It is this inner glow that attracts positive results on the outside. For now, It may seem as if I am settling by forgoing marriage and doing the LAT (Living Apart Together) thing with a much older man but what I know is this: I am gaining so much more from self improvement. Learning to love myself without someone feeding my niceties. Living without requiring another to make me whole.

If he is still here, great. If not, great knowing him, great loving him. If we never marry, I will be ok knowing that this was and is the greatest love I have I ever known from man. I will miss falling asleep with him every night and waking up to his kisses in the morning. If we fail, I will miss him. Right now, I miss myself. I want her back. She used to go dancing on the weekends and have a girlfriend on standby to go crazy with whenever she felt like it. She used to go on adventures of her own and not have to plan out weekends. She used to enjoy the spontaneity of sex, not just the "you're here I'm here let's do this" thing. She is ready for that and so much more.

The next entry will probably be written by a Black Divorced Not so Single Mom.

When You Know You've Lost Your Way

Lately I just haven't been feeling like myself. I would have bouts where I would just cry for no particular reason at all. I spoke to the Boss Man recently during one of our now infrequent check ins and he asked if I was feeling sad or lonely. The truth is, I was neither sad nor lonely. I just had a lingering feeling that something was not right with me. So weeks went by. My sleep got worse. I would fall asleep OK but wake up several times during the night. Hell, one night I even peed the frikking bed!

So yes, I know. I have been suffering from depression. Why? My symptoms began sometime when my sister was sick and eventually passed. It had been worse since then. Recently, it has affected my relationship with Mr. Man and my close friendships. I was just withdrawn and spending entire weekends in bed. Whenever I wasn't in bed I was drinking, at home. I hit a rock bottom when I felt myself become insecure and let my feelings cause me to do something I wouldn't otherwise do in a confident state of presence. I am so ashamed of myself that I cannot even bring myself to say what I did, I just know that I will never do it again. But, I doubted this man. I doubted that he could love me how I needed to and I began to withdraw. He in turn began to doubt me and reportedly began evaluating our relationship as I did the same. Our findings were mutual. We cannot be without each other. So the question arose...how do we be with each other without driving the other away?


I became very introspective. I literally had to coach myself through the nights and will myself to live. Not just to breathe air and go through the monotony of life but to be ALIVE! It finally hit me that I have been living but I have not been ALIVE. I have been doing everything that everyone else asked of me. I have not done much for myself. I have been a great employee. I have been a great mother. A great lover. A great friend. A great steward of the community. I have not been a great friend to myself.

And so it is with this realization that I have lost my way and I need to find it back, In the past I took solo trips to find my balance and I would return energized and ready to face whatever love or disaster that was waiting in the wings for me. I used to exercise, eat right, socialize more. I have love. I know that. I have the respect of my friends and colleagues. I have a great job. What I don't have is me so I am on a journey trying to find myself . Well, rediscover myself.

How do I go about doing that? So far, I am trying to do more things by myself while at the same time, trying to get out and do more with others, if that makes any sense... More with others outside of my bubble that is. I have become too caught up with Mr. Man and his drama that it has inherently become my own. Same could be said about my best friend. Same could be said about my community involvement. Lastly, my job. I have already started winding down with my job and my community involvement. I quit working overtime and running to and from meetings.  So here's to finding my way and hopefully being able to navigate the rocky roads which lay ahead.

Desperate Housewife meets the Young and the Restless

We had just come back from 5 glorious days in Negril. Our time there was spent between making love and enjoying the sights, the foods, the people. On our last night there, we made love in the midst of a sea of emotions as I questioned the state of our relationship. After a very emotional discussion he came to the resolution that he was going to divorce her.  We returned home and became immersed in our newfound projects and began to work more closely on getting this startup company off the ground. One evening, I was at his office going over some documents and stepped out to make a call. In came this older woman who I found to be rather pretentious and nosey. I was on my call and she lingered. She introduced herself while I was on the phone. I held my hand up to signal to her that I would be right with her when I was done with my call. The pushy broad insisted on knowing my name. Once I told her she flew into the man's office and started pounding on him. I was horrified as it finally occurred to me who she was and I ended my call abruptly. If it ween't for the fact that my laptop and car keys were on his desk I would have flown out of there. I was stuck. I made a decision that I could do one of three things: call the cops, use said phone to clock her if she came near me, or just wait and see if the man would restrain her enough so I could get my shit and go. He did. All this while she was cussing him, cussing me, calling me all sorts of filthy names and asking me if I think he was going to leave with me, bitch!

Fast forward, three months later he wrote her a letter saying that it was time for them to go their separate ways. She responded by running out and immediately filing the petition to divorce the same day. Since then it has been hell. She has been driving by home home, showing up uninvited to our events, cussing him out every chance she gets, taking his stuff, accusing him of bullshit, cleaned out his business account, and has had the cops called on her ass more times than I care to count. The thing is, now she realizes she had a good man and he is gone. She even tried having talks saying they should go to counseling. I suppose she thought that he would come running back once she filed the divorce and that the newness of my pussy would wear off and he would come to his senses. He has. But not in the way she had hoped.

He saw her for what she was. A user. Expecting him to do any and everything, pay all the bills and bow to her every desire without her ever having to invest herself. She was emotionally abusive and I later learned that she was also physically abusive. He put up with it in stoic silence all in the name of maintaining a public image and out of duty to the family. He did that for a little over twenty years and there is only s much a man could take. I do not believe in breaking up happy homes. I would have never gone out with him if I knew he had no intention to leave. When I met him I saw a man who was broken and yearning to be loved. A man who had so much to give even after having to give so much of himself to get nothing but hurt in return. He has broken down in tears more times than I would like to admit. I have held him in my arms and I could see and feel the toll of the burden he has been carrying all this time.

So here we are, I am loving this shell of a man. Nursing him back to life. Trying to nurse myself back to life too. The time we have spent together has been precious. We have traveled together quite a few times. He's become a second dad to my kids. They love him to pieces. He tucks them in almost every night when he can and has been to their concerts, first day of school, etc. He has gone out his way to make my life as comfortable  and happy as can be. I cannot complain, I am enjoying the perks but sometimes I have to wonder at what cost?

See, this man was in an unhappy relationship for so long and when men are unhappy they go roaming. And he has admitted to roaming in the past. I have seen conversations between him and his ex and he has female friends who he sees and talks to on a regular basis. I have confronted him about it before and he knows that he needs to curtail his activities as his romantic situation is now different. To say the least, I don't know if I can say I can fully trust him and that is a problem. I am working through it and we have been having open discussions about it. I told him that I understand that he did what he did out of necessity but what we share now is different. He no longer has to search for attention, approval, and emotional connection because he has all that with me. But I understand that sometimes that it is hard to cut ties with someone you've shared something with for a long time. Now I come on the scene and to drop someone just because of that would be inhumane I guess but he has to learn to go back to being just friends and being flirtatious is hard to unlearn. There is a fine line he has to tread carefully, as do I with my male friends and former lovers. He claims he hasn't been physical with anyone since he has gotten serious with me. I try hard to believe him and I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I can't say the same for myself as I've dabbled with a few exes, mostly out of anger from what he had done. I don't feel right about it so I don't do it anymore. Not recently anyway. Boss Man came over one night to help me with something and I gave him a hug when he was leaving. He in turn kissed me on my neck and then lips. I said nothing. He had me feeling some sort of way but I quickly snapped out of that haze and returned my focus to what I had in front of me, which is this man. He knows about Boss Man and I being close but there has always been speculation about how intimate we were. I have never confirmed it. He has admitted to being jealous and I try in every way to reassure him that there is nothing between us. I am not sure he buys it but he pretends to be OK with us remaining friends. And I must pretend to be OK with his friends too. The only exception is that my conversations and visits are never kept secret.

 The amazing thing about our relationship is that I can sense when he is not being straightforward with me and hiding something. He is usually forced to come clean...well...the clean version of the truth. I let him know that I know way more than he thinks I do and it scares him. Keeps him in check for the most part. But I don't want t have to constantly keep him in check. I do worry that fate is destined to tear us apart and that he would enjoy his newfound freedom and feel bolder and want to step out in his new boldness. I cannot stop that if it should occur. I can only love him and love myself enough to know that if that is the case then he does not need to be a part of my life. As it is right now, I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. He has never denied me to his family and I respect him for that. We have spent the last Christmas together, and he has invested time and money into not just me but my children who have also grown to love him. I see a great future for us but I am by no means naive to what lies ahead. I am prepared whichever way the axe swings. I am just trying to play this smart and should our union belly up, I should be able to land firmly on my feet regardless.

Not so Married. Not so Single. PT. 3

So the allure of being in a long distance committed relationship began to wear off around the 6th month of us being together when all my internal alarms started going off, alerting me that something was not right. In the midst of me being ridden with anxiety and telling him that I needed space (we live over 1,000 miles apart) I started seeing a man and consequently fell in love and became involved in the most beautiful, loving, challenging, fulfilling, emotional and dramatic relationships I have ever been in in my entire life!


Mr. Man

I had known Mr. Man a while back by that point, I just never had the opportunity to get to know him better until I came aboard on the board of directors for this organization. I'd always regarded him as a distinguished gentleman but never considered myself suitable for him as I was not in his supposed league. You know, the league of doctors, lawyers and successful entrepreneurs who attend numerous fundraisers and golf together on weekends to shoot the proverbial breeze. I was not his type, and he was not mine, or so I thought.

It was late winter when he had started pursuing me. Quite often I would run into him at the bar and he would buy drinks for me and my friend. Eventually he wanted the digits but I did not give them up. Weeks later, I don't know what made me decide to cave but I gave him my business card, which was my subtle bot not so subtle way of letting him know that I was just a professional acquaintance and nothing more. Maybe I decided to cave when my anxiety about my relationship with Harry was growing deeper. I don't know, but I did. Curiosity got the best of me.

Our lunch date was more informative than romantic. I was feeling him out and he was feeling me out as well. We talked mostly about nonprofit woes and about people we knew more so than us. Finally, after all the bullshit I asked him if he was married. I already knew the answer, I was waiting to see the response. He said yes, and explained that it was less than ideal and just circumstances holding it together. I asked him to divulge and he promised to fill me in at a later time. It was at that point I asked him what the purpose of this meeting was. I wanted to get straight to the heart of the matter and not waste any time. He was very taken aback by my forwardness. He said that it was to get to know me better since we were going to be working together. I did not buy it and I was not satisfied with the answer but I said OK. After that, our lunch dates were weekly, then a couple times per week, then it got to the point that we could barely go a day without seeing each other. I was determined to hold out on the intimacy until my birthday. He was kind to me and he was generous. Even gave me an early birthday trip to Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands, by myself. I went and had a great time but I missed him, and I wanted him, and I decided that once I got home I was coming for him. I did. On top of his desk. It was unplanned and fueled by alcohol and lust and when it was over, I could not believe how badly I had behaved. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to hold out for another week or so for my birthday. I was disappointed that I had let him know so soon...that I loved him.

I vividly remember uttering the words once he entered me. It was as if I could not contain all that I had started to feel for him and I know he felt the same way for me too. I had predicted a month earlier that he was going to love me. I knew it. I felt it in him. But like me, he was afraid. He told me not to say that but I told him it was true and I had to let him know how I felt. He told me he loved me too. And it was over. I woke up the following morning staring at the ceiling wondering what the fuck did I do? I had silently hoped that he would not call me and we would both pretend that this never happened, but he did. And so we made plans for breakfast the following Monday, only he did not know that I had planned on making it myself. He was surprised I had invited him to my house and did not realize where he was until he was actually there. Needless to say, breakfast turned into a late lunch as we spent hours in the bedroom making love and everything else in between as I enjoyed the newness of making love to a man 28 years my senior, and he, wallowing in my youthful tenderness. I was and still am surprised at his stamina and recovery time. One of the best I have ever had. Usually a good round would knock a man down for a good twenty minutes. Not him. He was in great physical condition for his age and was just a great lover overall.

My birthday came and went and the sex just got more and more intense. We took a trip to Jamaica in June and spent 5 days in heaven with each other. We made love so many times in so many places. Early in the morning, the warmth of the sun would radiate our skin as the waves of the warm Caribbean Sea rocked our intertwined bodies as we enjoyed our surroundings and each other. We came back, alive and exhilarated from our getaway vacation until the disaster that awaited him at home unleashed a fury that remains a sticking point in our relationship to this day, a year and a half later.

Not so Married. Not so Single. PT. 2

In the middle of the Boss Man and I ending our intimate relationship, I happened to just fall into a new one. I can't say that I was on the search, actually I was rather skeptical in the initial phase. Eventually, the Boss Man's shadiness would lead me into his arms. First, my decision to give him a chance and my full attention that Labor Day weekend when I saw Boss Man with a woman I had long suspected him of having "things" with. Finally, my complete and absolute decision that there was no turning back and I was in it for the long haul when I saw the Boss Man again in NY with whom I don't know but he was clearly trying to avoid me. Haven't regretted a thing since then and definitely haven't looked back.

When Sally (I) Met Harry (Him)

I can't say I met Harry. And for all purposes of maintaining anonymity I will call him Harry. Harry was always my favorite prince anyway. Not quite as handsome as the other one but boy he sure is a firecracker. Knows exactly how to enjoy the hell out of what would otherwise be a dull and miserable life. Kinda like my prince. Had to kiss a few frogs before finding him. And no he is definitely not as handsome as the older one, but you know the saying that beauty is only skin deep?

As I was saying, I did not meet Harry. I knew him before; since we were 6. We went to the same elementary school. His mother was a teacher there and he would get away with murder because of such. He used to hang with a clique I could not stand and would often tease me and dare me to do dumb shit. I couldn't stand his ass. We both left to attend other schools after 5th grade and I never saw him again. Saw his FB profile a few times through mutual friends but had no inclination to add him as I did not really care for him. It had been years since I last saw him.

Almost twenty years later, here I was on the planning committee of one of the largest annual events in the state, booking performers for the show. In the process of booking the air travel for an artiste, I happened to come across the personal information of the artiste, his wife, and manager. I saw Harry's name and said to myself that I once knew someone by that name and immediately dismissed it as a coincidence. No, it wasn't him. How wrong I was on the day of the show. When I got backstage I saw him standing in a small group. It did not take me long before I decided to approach him.

"Excuse me. Are you so and so?"

"Yes," he smiled.

"Don't you remember me? I'm so and so from so and so."

"Yes of course!" his smile got wider.

We chit chatted a little bit and he introduced me to his artiste. We were both working. He managed his artiste while I managed the event. There was little time for talk. Towards the end he approached me where I was sitting at the rear side of the stage and happened to see my kids around me. He asked me jokingly if I killed their dad. Almost intuitively I responded:

"No, but I wish he was dead."

We both laughed and he shook his head. He told me he was about to leave and we exchanged numbers. He said he wanted to see me before he left. I said neither yes or no but I told him to call me.

Later that night I got home pretty late and I was dog tired. The Boss Man, who also happened to be working at the event, called me to talk about what transpired throughout the day. I was so exhausted I pretty much rushed him off the phone to take a shower. Once I got out the shower I realized I had a couple of texts from Harry.

"Hi Sally, it's Harry."

No response from me so minutes later he texts:

"Wake up! lol."

I informed him that I had just gotten out of the shower and was about to go to sleep. He urged me to come out and meet him for drinks at the hotel where he was staying. In between my eyelids slowly closing and opening again I told him that I definitely was not going anywhere and would prefer to meet him for breakfast in the morning. He conceded. The following morning he contacted me about 8:30. I had not even gotten out of bed yet but I woke up and made breakfast for the brats and my guests. I told him I would let him know when I was on my way which was two hours later.

So we had breakfast. We were joined by his artiste and his wife. His artiste had been on the scene for decades and dominated the conversation with talk of his career and his viewpoints in life. It was a pleasant breakfast that came to an end because they had to leave to fly back home. And guess who was taking them? The Boss Man.

He called me when he was on his way to get them. He was surprised to find that I was having breakfast with them. He asked me in astonishment how I got over there. I told him I drove with my smart ass self. SMH. I took my call in front of them and the artiste remarked that I sounded like I loved Boss Man. I laughed it off and shook my head. Damn! Was it that obvious? Sigh..

So after we said our goodbyes I left them loading into the truck and thought I wouldn't be hearing from him any time soon. Wrong. He texted as soon as he got to the airport. And again When he landed. And the day after. And the next. And every day since then. The conversations became frequent. I was a bit taken aback at how into me he seemed. I just couldn't understand it. I used to hate this dude. OK. Hate is too strong a word. But I couldn't stand him. And here it is that we were having these long conversations daily via phone, text, Skype, and whatever medium we could find. I was still undecided as to whether or not I was going to take him seriously. That changed when I saw Boss Man with that chick. By the end of that month I had literally fallen for him. The "I love you's" were constant. The conversation became more and more intimate as we learned about and yearned for each other. Then three months later he came to town for work and it was total magic. All that was pent up between us was released in a series of very steamy romps. It was a bittersweet feeling for me because that same weekend was when I saw the Boss Man with another chick, deliberately trying to avoid me. That was when I knew it was definitely over and I no longer wanted to give myself to him in that way.

And as happy as I was with Harry, I felt a growing anxiety beginning to form in the pit of my stomach once we started discussing my becoming his wife and us joining our lives. It would most likely mean my having to leave this country to be where he is and starting over with very modest means. Did I love him? Of course! You can pet a rock everyday and eventually grow to love it. But he was not just a rock, he was my rock when I hit bottom during the Boss Man saga. He was a great friend to me. He was there with me through everything I went through during my dad's passing. He's been a friend to me ever since. I will always love him for what he has been to me in the time we were together and beyond. But deep down, I knew my anxiety was nothing more than my intuition alarming me that this man, as good as he was, he was not the one for me. I would find that out right at the beginning of the end of our relationship when an unlikely suitor began to pursue me.

Not so Married. Not so Single. PT. 1

I've thought quite frequently that I should maybe start updating the blog again but my life has gotten ahold of me. I've grown even busier than I've been before. I'm much more vested in the new path that my life is taking. I must say however that I am finally in the end phase of my divorce, I've been in a new relationship for the past 6 months, and the Boss Man and I are no more. Well, we are "friends" if you want to call it that. Everything but sexually intimate. I'm ok with that. As a matter of fact, I'm for the better.


When Boss Man Met Boss Bitch

Everything was going great for a few months. He'd gone on vacation for a few days and he would call and check in. He even filled me in on some things I didn't care to know about. But regardless, it was clear that I never left his thoughts. He returned days later and found his way over my house. Exhausted. He couldn't even keep it up long enough to make me cum. But he was very tender. I actually felt like we were actually making love because he was so intent on kissing me and caressing me. Much more so than the usual. Needless to say I was left in a daze because I was not sure what had taken place. He grabbed me from behind when I was showing me out and kissed me on my neck. More affectionate than he usually was and I wondered WTF was going on.

Weeks later I called him several times asking him to come over and make up for his shortcomings. I was furnished with excuse after excuse. For a whole month I decided not to bother him as I had my number two on reserve, ready to run out on the field when the quarterback wasn't playing right. Sure he scored a couple touchdowns but it was nothing more than that. It got to a point where he would even spend the night and we would...*gasp*...cuddle. I guess shit got too real for both of us and I laid off calling him to smash and he would get increasingly busy at work. I'd chide him for giving me tired sex but then he would retort saying that I could always find someone else.

I very well could but decided it was just not worth the headache. I had a very brief fling with a man in between number 1 and 2. After a couple of dates and several rounds of BOMB SEX I found out later on that he was married. He has not been in good graces with me since then and never will. I don't like liars. All it takes is once and I am done. He would call me for several months after and I would tell him to go to hell which he would but refused to stay there permanently and would perpetually resurface.

So summer is coming to an end and so is my sexual relationship with the Boss Man. We did hook up a couple times towards the end. We even worked on a huge project in August and we were in regular contact. So much so that he became overbearing at times. But we did what we had to do despite the fact that I felt something was wrong.

Summer ends and I saw him at an outdoor party with a girl I had long suspected him of being involved with. I decided at that point I was ready to move on but about a month or so later he found his way back in my life and got involved with this solo project I was working on. I invited him back to my place that night after my successful show and he didn't come. A week later I saw him trying to avoid me at a concert I was working at in NY. He was there with another woman. I did not see who it was neither did I care because I was truly done with him at that point. I hurt deeply but I had started to move on, and move on I did.

Since then I have not communicated with him outside of business matters. I have not invited him over. I have not even given him the silent treatment but remained rather aloof towards him. In fact, he would call, text, or I.M. if too many days went by without contact. Also, he would make rude comments about my supposed sexual activity, particularly when I would travel, which I sure as hell did due to the dramatic changes in my life. It just killed him to not be in the know, to not have a clue as to what I was up to, especially when it came down to who was now having me the way he once had me.

I decided I was worth more than what he was capable of giving which was not much. We've had a few spats regarding my career and his ego, but beneath that all I see a man who loved me in his own way but not enough the way I needed him to. He was and has always been there for me despite. Whether it was a domestic disaster or a financial matter or when my father died, he was there. This past Christmas I coordinated our annual Christmas event. He was pleased with the job I did he brought me a catalog from Macy's and asked me to pick out a watch as my gift. I did not see one I liked and I really did not want it. But the gesture said a lot about how he held me in high regard. At our company meeting in January he publicly acknowledged this and asked my co-workers to thank me with applause. I was moved by it.  Knowing the kind of man he is, he is not going anywhere. I have never been fucked up to him regardless. I've always shown him acts of kindness and appreciation because he's always going to be that kind of friend to me. But romantically, I've let go of any notion that it could have been more than what it was. He just wasn't capable and I knew it from the day I first saw him that I just would not have been happy with him.

Live my life? Yes I did! Happy? Sure as hell am. Why? Part two...

Now That We've Found Love

Since my surgery, I've had so much change in my life that I really have to be grateful for. I found myself, my job situation is so much better, my circle is much tighter,and my love life is off the chain!

After the whole ectopic pregnancy/brush with death/STI scare debacle, the Boss Man and I have grown so much closer. All my fears were quelled, as he demonstrated how much of a man he really was, and a good one at that when it came to me. He really stepped up to the plate and showed me, in his own way, that he was serious about me and he wanted to remain a part of my life.

It was about a month after I had my surgery and all the drama had died down. I decided that I was ready to feel him inside me again. He had asserted before that he would not touch me for at least 2 months after. I decided that was way too long and took matters into my own hands, literally. He protested, and I demanded that he make love to me. He claimed I was still sick so I told him he was not my doctor. A struggle ensued and I emerged the victor. I welcomed him inside me and he slipped into my warmth, feeling my body's longing for him, embracing my love as I crescendoed into a climax which caused his to emerge with such an intensity that I have never seen in him before. I felt him. He is usually a quiet comer. At times I was not even aware that he had climaxed but this time, there was absolutely no denying it. I wondered if this meant that he had not been with anyone else since my convalescence. Overall, it was different. The way he touched me, looked at me, kissed me. We were no longer just fucking. We were making love. I was spent. I could not even move when we were done. He became concerned and complained that this was the reason why he didn't want to make love to me. I assured him I was fine. He made it his point of duty to remind me that I was fine the last time he left me too. I retorted that I would not call him again if I was dying. I was fine, but I was just weak. My strength had not returned completely even though my incisions had healed.

After that encounter, I began to have a desperate urge to take a vacation in the Caribbean. I needed sun, sand, sea, and clarity. I saw where my fears of us ending, or even beginning after that were starting to strangle my thoughts. I struggled within myself to forgive him, but for what? How could I forgive him for something he did not deliberately do? We had not made any promises of fidelity to each other. I suppose I was upset at the fact that he had behaved so nonchalant when the issue of him sleeping with others and potentially infecting me came up. But even though it was resolved and we were both clean, I did not know if I could possibly trust him. I needed reassurance. I needed to know that I was comfortable with the idea that he was doing him while I was doing me. I needed to address my jealousy. See, jealousy is not one emotion. It is the result of a compound of other emotions. I needed to get to the root of it and address my fear of abandonment and feelings of not being good enough. This was one of many issues that was plaguing my thoughts.  I was dealing with family issues, ending my broken marriage, co-parenting, and of course the rat race when it came to the job and managing my bills.

I tried to get my cousin to travel with me but she could not make it. I got frustrated and went ahead and booked without her. This trip would be the first time that I would have traveled by myself and to a foreign country at that. I knew absolutely no one there but this did not deter me. I have great people skills and was confident that I would make friends anywhere I went. I went online, did my research, narrowed down my choices, and made a decision to go to the Dominican Republic. I even went online and found a helpful forum that was all about the island, and met my first friend from there who I was going to meet up with once I arrived. He was very helpful and even arranged my transportation while I was down there.

The 3 days I spent there were wonderful. I did nothing but eat, drink, swim, and chat with my new friends. My Spanish was tried and tested and got so much better in the few days I was there. I was able to hold entire conversations. What I did not know, I asked. What I got wrong, I was corrected. I got up in the mornings, made my breakfast, then stayed on the beach til dusk. I did not go partying. I just relaxed in my very clean and comfortable apartment.  I definitely will be traveling back there in the future. I found my center, made my peace, and came to the conclusion that I would move forward with this divorce, leave the house, start fresh, and love unabashedly.

My impulsive decision to travel by myself had left the Boss Man unsettled. He found out through a mutual friend that I was going, and he did not hesitate to question me about who I was going with. When I told him I was traveling by myself he refused to believe me at first and insinuated that I was meeting up with another man. I convinced him that I was in fact traveling by myself. He would constantly bring up the fact that I was traveling by myself in our conversations after that. Even up to the 11th hour before I left he would rub it in. I sensed that he was a bit hurt at the fact that I did not inform him of my plans and I did not invite him. When I returned from the DR I did not even call him. I ran into him at the studio briefly that morning and he commented that I got a tan. The same night, I spoke to him briefly at this event he was hosting and told him to come see me the following day. He did so. He showed up and showed me exactly how much he missed me. The man could not keep his hands off me. And the way he trembled as he melted in my warm embrace, I knew he was waiting for me to come home to him.

And so it has been that the encounters have become more frequent, the visits have been longer, and the sex has just been deep. No longer just nut busting sessions but intimate moments where we would silently embrace each other, land a small kiss on the forehead, eyelid, nose, cheek. Me resting my head in the crook of his neck, with him embracing me and stroking my shoulder while I laid there. I did not need him to say so because I already knew, the man was falling for me. Was it the fact that I was pregnant with his child at one point? Or the fact that I lost an organ due to the fact? Or was it the fact that I confronted him about his sexual activities and when I got the truth I did not go ape shit on him? For whatever reason, the Boss Man decided to gravitate towards me more and more, keeping in constant contact throughout the day and popping into the studio more frequently which is very unlike him. Most recently our relationship has become a source of scandal among mutual acquaintances and even through all that he has remained by my side and has become more public with his interactions with me. And as if all that were not enough, the man is buying me a new home which I will pay him rent for, only out of principle because I am not a gold digger and would never dare have a man pay my way entirely again. My experience with my STBE husband taught me well on that.

With all this said, I see us only moving forward, but as to how far? I do not know. What I eventually want in the future? I don't know. I don't see myself getting married again. And I don''t see myself moving in with him. I enjoy my space, my freedom, and us as we are right now. I suppose the only thing I would want is to see more of him, even though I see him way more often now than I did in the past. I look at us and I think for a second that I am crazy because he is so much older than I am. I say he could be my father, but hell he ain't! Despite the age difference we have a real connection, we work well together. He never hesitates to run business ideas by me. And not only are we great in the professional realm, he is just someone I can talk to about anything with ease. He feels the same about me. It does not matter what time of day or night, as long as we are both available we always provide a comforting ear to the other. We have certainly become assets in each other's lives and I do not see it changing. In the end, despite what the outside world may think, it's just about us and what we both feel is right for our relationship. Right now, it's beautiful, it's blossoming  and I am scared shitless because now that we've found love what are we gonna do with it?


blkmsm@gmail.com

Like Sand Through The Hour Glass...Pt. 4

He drew back in his seat with a look of disbelief on his face and said "Why do you ask?"
I handed him the prescription he just picked up for me. I then said,"You see that prescription you have in your hands? My doctor called me this morning and told me that she suspects I have a bacterial STI and I know I was tested at the end of October and I was clean."

I explained to him that I was seeing other people at the beginning of the relationship but I was always careful. I did not tell him whether I stopped seeing those other people and since he did not ask, I did not volunteer that information. The point was, at some point between then and my surgery I got whatever the hell I had. He read the name of the prescription and typed it in his iPhone. He then read the info he found on it and exclaimed that it was a powerful dose of drugs and was sure to knock me out. I asked him when was the last time he got tested. He said he did a complete physical a couple weeks before and everything came back OK. I told him that he would still need to be tested and treated. His phone rang and he said it was his younger son calling and he had to go get him. He hurriedly got up and busted through the door but did not get far away enough for me to yell out

"Are you going to answer me? Yes or no?!"

His reply was, "yes but not like that..."

"Not like that?" I said.

"I'll call you right back, I promise," he said.

Then he was gone.

He did call me back as he promised. Within 5 minutes of leaving. He started avoiding the topic at hand, talking about business and in a very excited tone. I half listened and once I had had enough I told him in a stern voice that we were both adults and we are free to do whatever we wanted but when it comes to matters like this we need to do the responsible thing. I was not angry. I was not confrontational. I just told him what time it was. I said no more. I don't remember who came off the phone first but after about 20 minutes we hung up.

He called me the day after, all jovial and shit like there was anything to laugh about. If there was anything that pissed me off about this whole thing, it wasn't my potentially contracting whatever but his response to it that had me wondering "WTF?!!!" That morning I made an appointment with another doctor and went there in the evening and got myself retested. I was told that I would get a phone call if they found anything. I took my antibiotic after that. Couldn't hurt, right? He called me after my appointment and we spoke at length. He asked me where I was and I told him that I was at an appointment. He did not mention anything about the night before or if he followed up. I did not ask either.

The calls were frequent, and daily. Not like him at all. He would check on me, ask what my plans were. A mutual friend of ours was having a party that weekend and I decided I would go. It would pain me to see him there knowing the air was thick between us, at least on my end, but I wanted the outside to see that I was OK even though I was hurting deep inside.

That Saturday was the first day since my surgery that I was home all by myself. It was as if everything hit me all at once. The fact that I almost died. The fact that I conceived his baby. The fact that I lost this baby as well as a part of my reproductive organs, the fact that I might have contracted an infection, and the fact that I may lose him.  It was just too much at once. I felt alone and unloved. And I just cried and cried and cried. All day I laid in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself.

I was so weak and depressed. It took me 4 hours to get ready. I did not leave my house until 1:30 AM to show my face at that party. He got me some water and a chair but when I saw the women hugging on him I got so sick to my stomach I had to move. I suffered silently as I did a two step next to this couple I was friends with. About an hour later I had about enough and decided to go. I paid for it the following morning as I could not get out of bed for much of the day.

The calls still came in every day. They were brief and mostly business related. Finally, after about a week and a half I could not take it anymore. He was at work that night when I called. I chit chatted with him about minor stuff until I just came out and asked him whether or not he ended up getting tested and treated. He said he did the test and it came back negative but he still took the antibiotics. I revealed to him that I went to get retested and they have not called me so I assume that everything tested OK. I then told him that I did not care what he wanted to do and I would not stop him from seeing whoever he wanted to see but when it came to me and him having unprotected sex, it has to only be between the two  of us. He told me that he had to attend to something at work and he would call me back. I did not care if he did or not because I already knew what was what and there was nothing more to discuss where that was concerned.

Since then he was very loving and attentive, even scolding me when I told him I was going to go to a party the following Friday night. He claimed my body was worn down because of my crazy work schedule and lack of sleep. He was right, I knew it, but I was just jerking his leg to get a reaction, which he wasn't aware of. I wanted to pull away. I wanted to make him sweat. Wonder what I was thinking, doing, feeling. I wanted to end it. But then I started observing things in him that I never saw before. I started to allow myself to feel what I did not want to feel. I finally started to see that this man was really into me, because he finally started showing it.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Like Sand Through the Hour Glass Pt. 3

That morning I was served a breakfast of hot cereal, tea, and fruit by the nanny. Thank God she was there to watch the kids. I could barely hug them let alone take care of them. Myself, I could. I was built Ford tough so I could brave through my pain and take care of my needs if I had to.
While I was having breakfast, I got a call from my doctor that would kill my already weak appetite.

"Ms. Soandso?"
"Yes?"
"This is Dr. Whatshername calling from the OBGYN Office."
"Yes?"
"I wanted to follow up with you on some cultures we had sent to the lab."
"Go ahead."
"Ms. Soandso, I am sorry to inform you that the cultures we had analyzed came back inconclusive but we suspect that you may have an STI."
"What???"
"I'm sorry. I did not want to take any chances so I called in a prescription to your pharmacy so you can pick it up any moment now."
"But I only have unprotected sex with one partner who I highly doubt is that irresponsible. I test regularly and never had anything before. Is it possible that this is a mistake?"
"Ms. Soandso please have your partner tested. It might be possible that he may have had a dormant infection. It is quite common in men. I prescribed you a one dose antibiotic so you should be fine."

She apologized and said that she had to go but I should call with any questions. I was due for another appointment in 2 weeks so I should be cured by then.

How did I feel? Numb. Terrified. Angry.Stupid. Embarrassed especially, that something like that could happen to someone like me. I loved sex, no, I love sex but I made sure I used condoms with the nasty ones and the one man I assumed was more careful about where he planted his pole, I did not. I now look back and realize that it was very stupid of me to have assumed and now I am even more distrusting of men. But then I rationalized that the Boss Man took forever before he trusted me enough to not use condoms. But still, he could have done that with any other ho and a slick one may have fooled him enough and given him something. My thoughts were running away with me. I felt like it was just too much. I had so many wild thoughts going through my head. Like how my health was jeopardized. No, I did not want any more kids, but I don't want my tubes, or what's left of them, trashed either. Then speaking of jeopardized, this was sure to jeopardize the already precarious relationship I had with the Boss Man. I knew what my standing was. I tested every 6 months and the last test was clean. I only slept with him raw, anyone else would be have to be strapped. But then, I had to think back about the man I borrowed. We used a condom but he did go down on me. Oh my God! I had phone calls to make. Difficult ones. I did not want to but I had to do the right thing though. I picked up the phone and called the borrowed one (SJ). I did not get him but left a message telling him to call me back as early as possible.

I called my cousin and confided in her. She told me I had to tell the Boss Man. I knew I had to. The thing was how. She said it was one of two things. It could possibly end our relationship or bring us closer together. I did not place the odds on us coming closer together. Men usually flee out of fear. I took her advice and told myself to prepare for the worse. I did. I planned to have him pick up my Rx, bring it to me, and trap him in my room as I demand answers.

I called him at work and ask him to collect my prescription when he left. He agreed. He did not even call to let me know he was coming. He just knocked on the door. I told him to come inside and he explained that his vehicle was running. I told him to shut it off because I needed to talk to him. He said he could not stay because he had to take care of some business. I told him to come with me to my room. He was puzzled. The kids were home. I would never take him into my room when the kids are there. I shut the door behind him and told him to take a seat in the chair I positioned right beside my bed, facing me. He was even more puzzled. I then took the pills from him and studied the instructions for a brief moment then looked him square in the face and asked him, "Are you sleeping with anyone else?"

blkmsm@gmail.com

Like Sand Through the Hourglass Pt. 2

I arrived at my doctor's office the following morning in pain. The pain was so severe I took a horse tranquilizer before I went in. The pain went from an 8 to 4 on the scale of 10. I reported the pain to the doctor but she focused on the more pressing issue of my vaginal discomfort. My vag had been angry with me for a while. I was prone to BV and always had issues with pH balance. This was especially true whenever I used certain condoms, which was why I always preferred to do it without with one established and trusted partner. My OBGYN asked when was the last time I had sex, I embarrassingly told her the night before. I was treated for BV which I had suspected and sent home. The pain gradually increased and I went and collected my kids and got a sitter because I knew I was not well. I thought the pain was ovulation related. I thought it would pass. But it got worse and worse as the day progressed. I laid in bed writhing with pain. Painkillers, hot water bottle, suffer. Finally later on that evening I decided that something was indeed wrong. I was in so much pain I started to throw up and felt as if my body was going to convulse. I was cold, yet I was sweating. I decided I would have to make the dreaded trip to the ER. I called the Boss Man to see if he was available to take me. He was in a meeting he wouldn't be able to get out of. I told him I would have to call 911 instead. He said "damn it's that bad?" I told him it was.

The ambulance arrived minutes after I called. I didn't even have time to slap my wig on properly. It was a good thing I had worked on combing out the naps beneath as my hair had completely locked due to long neglect over the past few months. Now I was sporting a cute ponytail under so once settled I planned to pull the wig off. I got to the hospital and because I did not appear to be in the excruciating pain I was in I was stuck in a wheelchair and placed in the waiting room  where I was for 2 hours, writhing in pain, unable to sit still in my chair. I began to have a shortness of breath as the pain increased. I felt like I was going to pass out. I wanted to scream out and cry but I was too weak to. I felt myself slipping and signaled the guard to get help. He asked who he was supposed to call. I told him in the loudest voice I could muster that I couldn't breathe. They wheeled me to the back where a nurse was waiting for me. I threw up. They finally got me into a room minutes later when I was asked to strip down. I did so. I was in so much pain I slept on my knees with my butt in the air like a baby. It was the only way I could shift the pain. The doctors woke me up and told me that I would I finally got hooked up to the IV and I was knocked the asterisk out in a matter of seconds. When I came to, I realized that the Boss Man had texted earlier. I responded "hey". He asked if I was good. I told him that I may require surgery and I would let him know. After an ultrasound and CT scan I was given the bad news that my ovary on the right went and committed suicide causing the blood vessels to twist and rupture and I was bleeding internally. I sent the word out to those closest to me, Boss Man included and went into surgery feeling brave more than anything. I was not scared. I just wanted to get on with my life.

I was told that my ovary had twisted due to an enlarged cyst. The cyst was discovered to be a pregnancy that had implanted in my ovary. I had an IUD and it is a known fact that these things can happen with this kind of birth control. It was rare, but it happened, and it happened to me. Thing was now that it hit me, I was in fact pregnant with what would have been the Boss Man's child. What hit me was how I was going to break it to him, or even if I should. My cousin and another girlfriend of mine told me it was right for him to know. I had the choice of staying the following night or going home. I chose to recover at home.

 I called the Boss Man and found out that my cousin had already given him a stern talking to with regards to my convalescence. He picked me up, got me soup, got my meds, and took me home. On the ride over he asked what had happened. I told him it was bigger than both of us. I explained what happened, why I had to do the surgery. He asked me what an ectopic pregnancy was and I explained it to him. I tried to read his expression. He gave off a cool vibe but I knew on the inside he was processing the news as much as I was. Just sa confused about what happened and probably feeling as guilty as hell for contributing to my current state. He did not linger. I thanked him and went inside to greet my worried kids.

After a few phone calls and texts I went into a drug induced sleep. The following morning I woke up to receive some devastating news from my OB GYN that would jeopardize my relationship with the Boss Man.



blkmsm@gmail.com

Like Sand Through the Hour Glass Pt. 1

So are the days of my life. Recently I have had to deal with some major personal blows and as I laid on my close-to-death bed I realized that I had come to some major crossroads in my life regarding my job, my health, and my relationship(s).

So let's talk about Valentine's Day/Weekend. Mine was awesome! Awesome because I planned to not do anything but go about the day as normally as possible, to not let it affect my mood, and I succeeded. I even wore black! Then later on in the evening I found that I had an impromptu date with a man whom I may discuss in more detail at some point in the future. He was visiting in town for work and wanted to have dinner with me before he traveled back south. I agreed, and we had a very relaxing dinner. I even spotted a distant relative and her cute kiddo at the restaurant. We parted ways and I went home to the warmth and comfort of my bed and slept the night away.

The Boss Man had been in constant contact with me all week, which was expected as I had decidedly pulled away from him some time early to create a shift in balance in our relationship. I had no anticipations of him coming over that weekend. It was also his birthday weekend so I assumed he would occupy himself some other way. But anyway, he did. He arrived and I greeted him with an unceremonious kiss on the lips, something I was not accustomed to. I did not linger, asking him if he wanted something. He chose to have a drink so I fixed him one and led him to the family room. And as is the nature of our relationship, it was all business at first. He sat in the middle of my L-shaped couch as I stretched my legs across and into his lap. We must have talked for about an hour. All that time I wondered if I was really up to getting it in with him. I wasn't feeling 100% well but I knew if he made a move I would not resist. And he did.

I was still lying in the couch when he suddenly got up and stood beside me. I turned to face him and asked him what his problem was. After a moment and my lack of movement he proceeded to climb on top of me, sit on my chest, and rock his pelvis back and forth. Taunting me and teasing me. I hesitated and gave him a quizzical look. He backed away knowing good and well that I would not resist, and so it was. I grabbed hold of him by the belt buckle and reeled him in. Then, it was on.

I had him melting in my hands, my mouth, and my caverns. Riding him, then taking him deep within. Something was different. I felt as if I had been conquered. Like putty in his hands. As I rode him he knew what he was doing to my body. He felt what I was about to do. I fought and resisted. He laid a firm hand on my groin and began stroking my clit. I tried to remove his hand but his placement was firm. Once I saw that I was not going to win, I stopped moving. I wanted the feeling to last for as long as I could sustain it. I was not ready to climax. He asked why I was holding back and said he wanted me to come all over him. I did not want to. Not right then. He took matters into his own hands and commandeered my body as he drove his lusciously divine dick so deep into me. My walls could not help to succumb and respond in a way that I did not need vocal chords to express. We arrived in unison.

He left me in a state of bliss that evening. I went to sleep with his scent stuck in my nostrils and his taste lingering on my lips. The following morning, I woke up with a terrible pain in my side which would land me in my doctor's office and change the course of every aspect of my life.


blkmsm@gmail.com

Hot Sex and Cold Feet

I did something naughty recently. Lord have mercy I've been bad!!! But it felt so good!!! Apparently some new dick fell into my lap,and raised the suspicions of my superiors at the studio and the Boss Man, as well as the new dick's fiancee. It lasted about a month but what a month it was!

 So yes, I borrowed another woman’s man.  How do I feel about it? Not in the least bit remorseful nor guilty. Why? I have no idea. I never go hunting for OPP but I suppose if the dude is packing and the girl is not smart enough to lock him up and he comes sniffing at my legs, I won't kick him away. However, I do worry about the other end of the spectrum. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s time to pull the plugs on this one and cease all communication even though he is no longer within my grasp. His name is SJ.

We've been acquaintances for a few years. We share a mutual friend and our interaction has always been within the context of a platonic friendship. I have never been attracted to him physically. I love my man well built and solid with a lot of meat on him. He has a very fragile frame that defies his abilities in the bed. A couple months ago, he informed me that he was going to be traveling in my area, and ironically his fiancée lives close by too. I did not know what to make of it one way or the other. I really did not have any intentions to smash but he made it very clear that he wanted to get it in. When he showed me a video of his 9.5 inch dick I could not resist.

We went out for dinner the first time with my girlfriend and her date. I had planned for it to be just the two of us but she interjected and I was kind of glad she did because then I was able to just talk casually with him and keep it friendly. But all that went out the window when I was tipsy after we left the salsa lounge and OMG I just wanted to feel his tongue on my clit. He had been touchy feely with em all night and even my girl was wondering what was up because she was aware that he was taken. I was so hot that we pulled over in the parking lot of a synagogue, sorry Yahweh, and he put an eating on me like I had never had in my life! Now the Aquarian has met his match! I swear I came so hard that I was satisfied with just a head job, a rare for me. But his flag was at full mast so I just could not resist. I jumped right on the saddle and rode it until we were mutually satisfied.

I couldn’t wait to have more of him and I sure as hell did. There were times when we were together and could not take advantage of each other. Once our significant others found out about each other’s existence it kind of changed things. I remember an occasion when the Boss Man had come down to watch me do my show and sat beside me for hours. Something he never did before, but I assume he did so because SJ was there. The week before, he had showed up unannounced and left just as quickly as he came. He had no idea I would have been there. No one was supposed to be there, but I had a meeting with the studio managers and brought SJ with me. I found out later that he has  remote access to the cameras in the studio and surmised that he without a doubt saw me there with SJ so he popped by real quick just to show me that he saw me.

SJ’s girlfriend now, I actually shook hands with her. One night I picked him up to take him out to the club and I had no idea she was there. He neglected to inform me and so I had to put up my best front after the quick intro and ask her why she wasn't coming with us. She claimed that he did not invite her and I gave him a mean look. I saw her looking at me too like she was trying to map out her competition because yes I was dressed in sexy club wear. Women know. And she knew what time it was. I asked him when we were on our own if she didn't mind him going out with me. He said no, she did not because she went out with male friends too. I brought him right back without even touching him. After that, Miss Thing kept a tight lid on his going out. While she was out of town I was able to have my way with him. And God did I have my way. Once I lost count of how many times I came, he said it was about six. But other than weeknights I was not able to have him the way I wanted to. His last week here, she returned home sooner than she had planned and pretty much had him locked down right up to his departure. She had me cussing in my head, remarking on her iniquitous manner of holding his dick hostage when he was in fact community property! After he landed he called me to tell me that he was sorry he couldn't say goodbye to me properly. He offered to make it up to me when I come to visit him. I plan to do so next month. And God I can’t wait to feel him in me again. But now, I am having cold feet.

I like SJ a lot. As a friend. We have a good rapport and get along great. We see eye to eye on most issues. But lately, things have changed.  He calls me beautiful all the time. All the time. And at first I would just brush it off but it is clear that his attraction is much deeper than what I assumed was lip service. He recently admitted to me that he was really feeling me. I asked him, feeling me how? He replied that we just connected on so many levels. I agree. We did. But I just can’t get over my mental obstacles. I enjoy his company, and I enjoy the sex, but I am not attracted to him. I know he was having doubts about being with his fiancee as he had complained about her being very immature. That conversation came out of nowhere and it caught me off-guard  So since then I figured that he was probably fishing, looking for an exit. And because we hit it off so great that exit would most likely be me, if I allowed it. But he gathered that I wouldn't. I told him that it was too bad he was taken, and he responded saying that it was too bad I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship. I had this conversation with him before. I explained that I was at a point in my life where I was experiencing my own Renaissance and for me to attach myself to any one man at this stage would probably hinder my growth. I like how my life is evolving and I enjoy each and every one of my relationships, familial or platonic. An exclusive romantic relationship would impede the newfound growth and freedom of expression that I have. For the first time in my life, I can say I am happy being by myself. All I want is some good company and some good dick for now. And I found that in him. But if these feelings persist, I must desist.

blkmsm@gmail.com

Valentine Schmalentine

Valentines Day? [face palm]. I love love. Love clearly doesn't love me. As cynical as I sound, I am not at all repulsed to the idea of people celebrating love. Love is a beautiful thing and ought to be celebrated. I am just disgusted by the cheesy commercialized feeling which Valentine’s Day represents, and share the opinion of the nauseated that it ought to be called National Single Awareness Day.

If you have been following my story, Valentine’s Day has been a difficult day for me. It was the day when I agreed to marry the man. It was the day I did so. It was the day that went uncelebrated years later because other things were more important than I was. After we broke up, it was the day that I looked forward to spending with whomever was in my life at the time. Sadly, whomever was in my life did not see the day fit to spend with me. I remember the anxiety I felt leading up to the day. Worrying that I would not receive so much as a phone call, and acknowledgment. Even though the Latino I was seeing last year did call me, I felt it was the middle of the end for us. The year before, the Craigslist Guy, who has done guest appearances recently, called things off right before so we did not even get to that point. The depression I felt was just awful. I really did not feel like myself and it took months for me to snap out of it.

This year is so different. I actually have a pick of men I could spend the day with, if I chose to. But I choose not to. It’s just a day.   I do not want attention, affection, and love on just one day. I want him to prove to me that he loves me every day.  I think I am past the past. I am past needing to feel loved. I am past the stereotypical romance, wining and dining, and yes, even the sex.  I love me. And I worry that I will never find another man who can love me more than me. Another man who I could love more than myself.

At this point in time, I am taking each and every relationship I have at face value, appreciating what positive aspects each of them have to offer, and nurturing the ones that seem to have long term potential. What is a day with red, hearts, candy, and all the activities that are supposed to follow? I won’t allow it to turn me into Desperate Debbie and define me and how I feel about my worthiness of real love. And I hope if you are single, you won’t too.

Dirty Pigeons Always Come Home To Roost

And so, just as I was bitching about HSS and his deceptions, the dirty mutha shut my mouf had the nerve to call me last week while I was at work. Sigh... I dreaded this day. I knew it was coming. He is curious. Curious about what I know about his extra curricular activities while we were seeing each other.  So, he accused me of not knowing his number and going on about how he couldn't tell the last time he saw me let alone spoke to me. I could tell the last time I saw him; Snowmageddon right before Halloween in 2011. I did not mention that though. I did tell him that the phone works both ways. Then he asks me how I was doing. I told him in my best bitchy voice that I had hills and valleys just like everyone else. He tried to get me to be more specific. I repeated my prior statement. I was getting annoyed. I did not want to hang the phone up even though I was tempted to, I wanted to hear what he had called to say.

So I turned the tables and I questioned him about his current situation, workwise. I asked him nothing about his mother, or the Manatee he was dating. He had the nerve to ask me how things were with my husband and how the happy family thing was working out. I was like WTF??? Somehow he had assumed that my husband and I would have gotten back together since he was no longer in the picture. That couldn't have been further from the fact. I had not spoken to the STBE since his birthday when he called, but did not call on any of the kids' birthdays. Well, it would have made almost a year if he did not call me recently to challenge me about raising our children based on some made up shit that his mother had stirred up. Another story for another day...

So HSS is beating around the bush and asking me questions, probing deeply. He dared not ask me what my romantic situation  was but asked about the kids and my mother. I filled him in as briefly as I could. When I saw that the conversation was turning into an inquisition I quickly pulled the reins and told him I had to go back to work. He asked when he could call me back. I said whenever he felt like. He tried to pin me down to a time. I responded coldly, "If you get me, you get me. If you don't, you don't."

He told me he would call at a certain time and I hung up. He hasn't called back and I have not called him. I don't intend to. I don't want him to ever feel like we are familiar friends and can just pick right back up wherever we left off. I have never been so certain of anything in my life. Then I think, if only I could fuck him without having to talk to him, I sure as hell would because I swear that dick is lined with gold! But that isn't happening and we aren't happening so that's a wrap!

I told my girlfriend, the one he messed with, that I heard from him and she agreed with me. Shit ain't right with the Great Ape and so he's hunting for some familiar pussy. It ain't happening!

So, speaking of dirty birds I finally heard from the African about 2 weeks ago. He started blowing up my phone, and I did not respond. I did call back in the night when I knew he'd most likely be asleep. He texted me the following day asking me what's up. I responded that I was just returning his calls. He said he was just saying hi. I simply said "oh".

About 10 days passed before he texted to ask how I was doing again. I said I was well. He then stated that I couldn't say it has been sadness after sadness since the time we last saw each other til now. I said that was not necessarily so,but I won't harp on it because I am still alive despite the fact. He then said some shit to me that would have automatically qualified him for a bitch slap. He claimed he could sense I was in a mood so he was going to let me be. The nerve! The last time I spoke to him I was on the rag. And to be honest, I was at this point too. But me being on the rag has no bearing on my pistivity. He proved to me that I was just a mere convenience. Not once while he was away did he attempt to contact me to see how I was doing. And then all of a sudden he returns I am supposed to be happy to hear from him? Did he forget the terms under which we parted before he left? And there is no excuse for him not calling me while he was away. His people in Africa call him daily with their drama, constantly begging him for shit. I am sure they have the internet over there too. It's all good though because I decided before he left that I was done with him! I did want to tell him that in person but I was never given that chance. Now he will have to get it at some point that it is over and just move the hell on.

Oh, almost forgot. The guy I met on..SMH...Craigslist...he resurfaced some time prior to the holidays. That was the third time, and I tell you, it was the last time. I know I said that the second time around, but this time I had really thought that he had recovered from the heartache of his breakup with his wife. He sent me this long assed email explaining what happened during the time we had not spoken, which was almost 2 years. He said he wanted to know if I was still available, and even if I was not he still wanted to remain in contact with me because I was "good peoples". After a long conversation I decided to see him again. We had a good couple dates and picked right up where we had left off, then as usual, right around Christmas he went MIA on me, as usual. [rolleyes]. I noticed the calls and texts stopped coming in as often, or he was pessimistic in his messages. I would send him encouraging messages each morning only to have them rebuffed by his negativity. I decided to pull the plug on that one, then after the holidays had passed he contacted me, only to be greeted by my arctic tone, quite suited to the frigid temperatures we were experiencing at the time. He has not contacted me since, and I swear I hope he never does. But he probably will, because dirty pigeons always come home to roost. They eat nastiness wherever they fly away to and come home and shit all over you.

Does not matter to me at this point. I already made up my mind that I was done with him. Just like I made up my mind that I was done with HSS and the African. Now if these SOBs can just get it clear that I am no longer interested in their half assed attempt to fake a relationship, I would be free to focus on making moves in my life, and do me as I have been doing all this time. The Aquarian is on my Pigeon list too. His thirsty ass is about to get cut too because this woman is going on a dickless diet. I need to regain some balance in my life, and believe me I have had some great dick recently, but I feel like I am just not centered and until I regain equilibrium, I will have to cut the deadweight out of my life and off my body.




blkmsm@gmail.com

The Dirtiest Bastard of Them All

Busted!

One morning back in October, I discovered some serious revelations that put everything into perspective for me. I'd just gotten off of an overnight shift earlier that morning. I was on the phone with not-my-man and we were actually having some very deep conversations regarding relationships, what we wanted, past experiences, etc. I had to bring my SUV in to the dealership for maintenance, meet my new DJ, and in between that, hook up with an old girlfriend from college for breakfast. Pretty busy morning, but things were going well.

My girlfriend and I were each talking about our love lives, the ins and the outs, highs and the lows, ups and downs. Somewhere in the midst of our conversation, my high school sweetheart comes up. I told her about our initial rekindling, breaking down, then ending of our relationship. I told her about that time during the summer when I ran into his mom who gave me a big hug then proceded to fill me in on his activities. She showed me a photo of him and his new girlfriend, who was like a manatee in a lacefront wig. Even his mother couldn't stand her. I told my girlfriend that his mother should have been my mother in law. She and I shared a close relationship and maintained ties even after we broke up. Since our getting back together after my separation, she had hinted that I should stop by whenever I felt like. I never did. Especially after HSS and I went our separate ways, just because I didn't want to risk running into him. Anyhow, I shared with my girlfriend how his mother basically reminded me of why I couldn't be with him then, now,or ever. 

Then I said his name at the end of my spiel. The look on my girlfriend's face change. I knew it then. I knew it right at that second. I said,"you fucked him too didn't you?"

She started shaking her head in disbelief. Me, I remained stoic. Unmoved. But inside I was brewing up my own personal tornado. I started to replay things. To connect dots. To see if this was really a mistake. After running through the checklist to make sure that this was the same man we were talking about, we confirmed it was indeed him. We confirmed that they met each other right around the time I started dating the Aquarian. Right around the time I told him I was done with him and wanted to explore my options. Right around the time he called me to ask if I was really done with him. Right around the time he came over to see if we could work things out but ended up fighting instead. The same night I laid down in my bed only to find him giving me the best head he'd ever given me then making "love" to me with Sade singing "This is no Ordinary Love" in the background. 

It turns out that it did not get that far with my girlfriend. She said that he claimed she was too much woman for him to handle. And he is right. My friend is far too intelligent and sophisticated to put up with his childish bullshit. But he had pursued her, telling her that he was single and was not seeing anyone which was a blatant lie. And so, even though he and I were no longer seeing each other, he had managed to hurt me one more time. I decided it would be the last.

I told her I wasn't mad at her. I wasn't. How could I be when she had no idea. Even though he had no clue we were good friends he was still very much at fault. She and I conspired to let him know that we knew about each other. I sent him an IM telling him that she said hi. I ended it with a smiley face. That was some real passive aggressive shit and he would know it too. He replied hours later, "uh..ok?"

Then after no response from me he asked a while after if I was not saying hi too. I sent a single question mark for my reply. He wanted to rope me into conversation to find out just what I knew.I did not feed into it and he did not push it any further. Weeks later he asked me if I was ok during the hurricane. I said yes and thanks. He sent Thanksgiving greetings. I said thanks same to you. I always kept it short with him and never left any open ended questions that would require further conversation. On New Year's Eve he wrote me this email. 

"May not get the chance later so..

Just want to take this opportunity to wish u & ur family a happy new year. Hope that u r able to have ur new starts, as well as achieve all ur goals. God bless"

I don't know what the intent was behind it but I sent him back this exact response 4 days later:

"thanks".

This bastard has no place in my life. I would live happily knowing I would never hear from him again. I can't say I hate him, as it takes way too much brain power to hate someone. Can't say I wasn't hurt. I am slowly trying to get over it. I am just grateful that I dodged a bullet, again. I told my girl that too, that she dodged a bullet. She agreed, as a matter of fact she was the one who encouraged him to go to counselling with his mom. Something I was not able to do. He can try to control some low self esteem heffer with his insecure mommy issues ass. Not this woman. And I can celebrate that fact from here to kingdom come!

blkmsm@gmail.com

The Realest Facebook Status...

I have ever posted...

"After playing the whole traditional love game I have come to the conclusion that we have all been had with this fairy tail happily ever after notion. You know what real love is? It is not long walks on the beach or a candlelit dinner and a movie. It is a mutual understanding, appreciation, admiration, acceptance, and RESPECT for each other. Love is knowing when to concede when you are wrong, and when to be "wrong" to make things right. Love is an unspoken conversation between the two of you that always ends with a meeting of the minds without uttering a single word. Love is being there when needed, in whatever way needed, without being there all the time. Love simply is, and if people would stop forcing it to fit in the mold society placed on us, then it would flow freely and evolve into whatever form it needs to be."


-blkmsm@gmail.com

WINNING!!! But Feeling Lost...

Homegirl is WINNING!!! Winning what exactly? Respect, admiration, and favor from the Boss Man. So this man and I have gotten closer in the past few weeks.  Much closer. Shortly after Thanksgiving, he entrusted me with the responsibility of coordinating a community event for the holidays.  I was flattered that he had considered me for the job and determined that this was an opportunity to showcase my talents as a super organized multitasker and event planner.  I was already used to planning small events in my circle, but never such as large scale.  I drafted letters soliciting donations from various businesses and thanks to my effective persuasive writing, I pulled in thousands for our event.  I was also able to secure entertainment of all kinds. I checked in with him, the Boss Man, on a daily basis, updating him on my progress and just happened to get a lot of one on one time with him as a result. We spent hours running errands together, making purchases and preparing for the big event.

Finally the day came where all my hard work would be revealed, and the result would be happy patrons, staff, and a happier Boss Man. The night after the event, we were doing some errands together, and he let me know then that he was very pleased with my work and told me that I did a very nice job and that he was pleasantly surprised. He even went as far as making a public acknowledgement of his gratitude in the cybersphere, referring to me as “tireless”. A testament to my hardworking character.  He also promised to take me shopping for a new phone as soon as time allowed, as my phone is currently on life support with its cracked screen and general wear and tear.

So, he says to me that I have become very useful and started making plans for us next year. I cut him off right there and tell him that I did not know about any next year. He playfully replied that he would simply find a replacement since I already laid out the foundation. We both knew that I was bullshitting about next year, and he was bullshitting about finding a replacement.  After all this, I am beginning to see that we really do work well together. I compliment him in areas he is lacking, and vice versa. He calls me whenever he wants an opinion or just needs to vent.  He’s been around the kids a lot more than before, in a VERY platonic manner of course, and it is kinda cute to see that awkward look on his face when he gets bombarded by little girls. Above all, we just vibe naturally. I feel a genuine friendship mixed with a strong attraction. I feel myself liking him more than I should.  I know that I could never fully have him.  He is a community man.  He is so preoccupied with giving to the community and putting on events that he can easily neglect those closest to him.  I know that no matter how close we become, or even if we were to become an official couple, I will never be first on his list of priorities. I know I could never truly be happy with him.

So now I am stuck with the decision of whether or not I want to continue like this with him. I feel myself wanting to withdraw. I want some time to pass between us before our next conversation so that when we do speak again, it would be like speaking to an acquaintance. But I know that this will not happen. I feel like somewhere, I have cemented myself in his thoughts, and maybe even his heart. It is evident in the way he looks at me, speaks to me, touches me, and calls me boo. I am lost.

blkmsm@gmail.com

The Greatest Lust Of All

I met this man on May 24, 2012 in a committee meeting I had attended. I sat across the table in the boardroom looking at his fine, sexy ass and thinking to myself right then and there that he could definitely get it. I did not think much of him other than the fact that I thought he was attractive and so I added him on Facebook when I saw his name pop up the following morning. We chatted briefly, about business, and I did not talk to him again until a few weeks later. It was all business then too. I did not speak to him at all for weeks at a time. I was busy with Splenda Daddy and The African so I really had no thought or desire to pursue anything, then all that turned around after he started reaching out to me.

I saw him again at another committee meeting. We did not speak then. It was the following morning when he contacted me on Facebook. We talked all business the Friday morning. Then business turned into casual, lighthearted messages. Then I began to work my wit as I enjoyed his humor. I went out that Friday night and had a wild night out with the girlfriends. I posted about it the following morning on Facebook then he surprisingly messaged me and asked me if I had a good time partying. The messages eventually became flirtatious and so I left him hanging. The conversations grew more and more as the weeks went by, with him asking me what my story was. I told him that he would need a kindle for my story. He insisted he was interested in knowing why I was single. I told him. Eventually I would learn his story too. Our conversations grew intense until I found myself inviting him into my bed one morning, but then reneging. He said I was a tease. I knew I was. He said he was patient. He would not have to be patient for long because by the end of July he was in my bed making me cum.

I told him he was in trouble because he would have to keep servicing me forever. We had sex twice after the first time within the space of two months. I wanted him, badly. But he was always so goddamn busy. He is a businessman, into entertainment and everything else he could get his hands on. Also, he holds a regular job, one he is been in for twenty years, as an IT Tech. The man is significantly older than I am. Found out for sure that he was 54 although he lied and told me he was 47. Regardless, he looks 15 years younger and has the vigor of a 30 year old man. I am infatuated with him. I have an overall admiration of his personality, and a deep sexual attraction that could only be compared to that of my high school ex. Our conversations can go on forever. Hours at a time granted we both have the time. Everything just flows so easily with him. Whether we're talking about business or pleasure, we always have pleasant conversations. In the 7 months I have known him, we have never had an argument. Disagreed, yes. But never argued. I have decided that I am never letting him go, and that I can never or will never be his woman.

He is a man who has professed to love his own space, and being able to move about as he pleases. I share the same sentiment in my relatively new singledom. Yet still, he has expressed a desire to enter a relationship as long as it was not restrictive. But the thought of us being together like that is distant for me. The main reason I would imagine is that he has a son who is a few months younger than I am. His very first of 3. He has introduced me to the other two who are significantly younger than the first, and by a different mother. I know that us being together would present some awkwardness where that was concerned. Also, we know many people in the same social circuit here, and I am absolutely certain that we would garner some rather suspicious looks if we were to come out officially as a couple. The main reason I know I could never be with him is the fact that I know I would never be happy. Yes, being financially comfortable would be a plus, and the lifestyle it would afford, but I will never truly have him to myself as he is someone who is constantly busy,and always giving his time and service to others.

I've decided that I want him in my life, permanently. Be it business, friendship, or as a lover, all three of which he is right now. He is a valuable asset and I would be a fool to let him go. Heck, because of him I began hosting an adult talk show at the radio station that he is part owner of. He has become my mentor of sorts, showing me the tools of the business, introducing me to new ideas, enabling me to meet people I would have never had the opportunity to.

I keep my feelings very guarded around him, and to some extent he does too, but it is highly evident that he appreciates me as he compliments me on my appearance or something work related he asked me to do and was pleased about. His confidence in my abilities has grown over the months to the point that he has asked me to coordinate major events. He has said to me that I keep impressing him more and more. And I intend to.

But business aside, I keep coming back to that carnal place where I want to devour him. I want to taste him, smell him, feel him. Over the weekend I reached my peak and decided that after our 3 months sex hiatus it was time for me to seduce him properly. He had been busy with a couple of shows he was promoting and running a new night club he got into, and all that time my needs have gone unmet, by him that is. I have been dating otherwise and getting it in, just not with him. No, just because I am in lust with the man doesn't mean I plan to shut it down just for him. I am sure he has gotten a piece here and there from someone else too. It does not bother me in the least, I just want to know that I have my sexy time on lock with him.

So I did what I did best and I got him in my bed and we stared into each other's eyes the entire time. I did not kiss him. He kissed me and played with my nipples in his mouth as he glided in and out of my very moist cavern. What it felt like, words can't describe, but we both came. He made mention of my trembling body,a sure sign that he had pleased me exactly like I needed him to. When he was leaving, I retreated into my shell of apathy, exuding nothing but a false appearance of a lack of desire for him, when inside I was burning with lust. I told him thank you for the sex and prepared to walk him to the door when he gave me that WTF look. He pulled me close to him, hugged me, and kissed me on the lips. I closed my eyes, but made sure I did not linger too long. What that meant, I don't know, but I have to wonder what must be going through his mind when he gave me that look.

He has said to me more than once that he was to be cherished and anyone who wanted his dick had to work hard for it. I've done quite an awesome job at making him feel like a piece of meat at times. The time before this when we had sex, I did not call him for two weeks. I texted very brief business related messages, but nothing flirtatious or intimate. Finally, two weeks later he caved and called me to say that I basically fucked him then avoided him. This time is no different. He was the first to call, and each time I have kept it short and business-like. I sense he craves intimacy, but I refuse to give it to a man I have to share. He wants me to inflate his ego and tell him how good he was last night, but I refuse to.

I don't know if I will ever drop my guard with him but I suppose it will depend on how much he drops with me. Until then, I will continue to enjoy what we have now, for as long as it keeps on going.We see each other at least once a week or every other week, and we are in touch on a regular basis. He sometimes stops by my house for whatever reason, and is acquainted with the kids, as my friend of course. I also have spent time with him at his place, and in a platonic manner also. We will see how far our relationship evolves, but I have a feeling that we only have much closer to get in the future. It is not very often that you meet someone who you are mutually attracted to, who shares the same values as you do, who you work so well with, and is so damn good in bed!

 By the way, he is WAY sexier than the man in the stock photo shown here.


blkmsm@gmail.com