When Your MAFS Are Unavailable

What are MAFS you ask? In short, it's a term I coined meaning Men Available For Sex. If you are like me, single and mingling (a lot), you will have a loyal list of MAFS that you turn to whenever the mood strikes you. There are MAFS who may have been your ex. MAFS you never quite gave the time of day until your crotch started jumping. MAFS who you liked well enough to go out with but never beyond that to say, be in a relationship with. They come in all shapes and sizes. Good looking guys who like you but not enough to want to get serious with you. Ugly guys you'd be caught dead with in public. Guys with big dicks who are dicks. Guys with not so big dicks who are really nice so you call them when you really don't want to be alone. Yes, there are MAFS for every occasion.

Last night I left an event feeling lonely and in need of some put me to sleep sex. So my MAFS list looked like this:
HSS - Emotionally unavailable
The Aquarian - Don't want him to think that I want him that badly
College Boo - Too far away
Married Ex - Don't want to risk him having a heart attack while we're having sex
The Aspiring Writer - Too far away and busy
The African Guy - Can't stand his ass
The Promoter Guy - He wants to hit it but I'm still debating if I should go there with him. (I need to tell y'all about him don't it?)

The Vanilla Guy - Don't want to see him at all!


So here it is, every single guy I have on my list was either unavailable, or I was not feeling them enough to make that booty call. The Promoter Guy I would have probably given a chance if I did not have to work early in the morning and if I'd remembered to shave the vajayjay. Now, I realize that my list needs some updating.  I'm in a time of my life where I realize that eventually I will need a Mr. Right, but on nights like last night I need a Mr. Right Now. One who is willing to roll out of bed and bundle up to come see me. One who will tell me to stop by the club on my way home for a torrid fling in the bathroom. One who will drive miles if necessary at a moment's notice.


There is an old friend I ran into the other day and we've been keep tabs on each other ever since. I was never attracted to him like that. Back in the day he was on the basketball team and me and my girl would drive all over the state with him and another guy friend and cheer them on. He said we were his personal cheer leaders. Yes We Were! We used to go out to parties too but never anything beyond that. I do know that his 6'7 tall dark chocolate self is packing a 10 inch monster. I know because he told me so. We were always very open with each other so something like that was nothing to us. I've always been curious and I guess now it's time for the curiosity to kill my cat. LOL! I saw the way he was looking at me. Yes sir!


blkmsm@gmail.com

We're Just Friends..Are We?

It's been a while since I haven't talked about my HSS. This was deliberate. We're in a very weird stage of our relationship right now. We haven't been physical since last summer, and really I've distanced myself from him in a way he was not accustomed to. But somehow in my keeping myself away from him he's always found some way to reach out to me. The last time I saw him was the weekend right before Halloween. He'd called me and informed me that he was not doing anything and wanted to take me to lunch. I was free that afternoon so I said why the hell not. We went out for a bite to eat and we spent hours just talking and catching up with each other.

 To say I did not enjoy being with him would be a lie. I enjoyed being with him under the capacity of a friend. But there was this unspoken awkwardness and tension between us. In my mind I knew that the physical us were over, and to be honest I did not want to pursue anything like that, but there were just subtle gestures on his part that made me feel very vulnerable. For one thing, I just happened to not wear a bra that day, very unusual, and although I had a sweater and a hood on he just couldn't resist to mention that he was aware of my bralessness. Then it started to snow and he became very playful, throwing bits of snow at me while we were taking a walk and then touching me with his bare hands under my sweater. These gestures did nothing but make me wonder if he somehow was trying to get physical with me again but since I gave him an ultimatum in September he had not come out openly and indicated that he wanted to get intimate again.

After we left he called me about 10 minutes after departing to say that he enjoyed being with me and that he was sorry it had been so long since we last saw each other. It felt rather sincere to say the least as I hadn't expected to hear from him for another few weeks let alone a few minutes.  I left wondering what the hell that was about, yet still enjoying the portion of our relationship I hadn't seen for many months: our friendship.

I went on about my life, not calling him, returning his texts, and remaining evasive with him whenever he would finally call me. He was the first person to text me Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. I'd never answer.  He'd call and always want to pry for more information on my goings on, to which I would just tell him that I was just busy. He asked me one day if I just didn't want to talk to him. I did not answer. I did want to talk to him. I just didn't want to let my guard down again. I knew that there was no way he would be able to sustain and prolong the sudden interest he had in me. Yet still, I wanted my friend. The friend I had back when we weren't busy sexing and arguing. I missed that part of us. I wanted that part of us.

But with all this I couldn't help but wonder if it was possible for us to ever be just friends again. I'm pretty good at maintaining boundaries and putting up a wall when I need to. But from what I see he's been trying to break them down. Earlier last week he called me a couple of times, wanting to talk about some personal issues he had going on. All I could do was say "yup" and "mmhmm" whenever he said something that needed a response. His sudden willingness to open up to me was not sitting well with me at this point. In addition, he'd always manage to send subliminal flirtatious messages. Like Saturday morning for example, when we had our last blow out....

I was laying up in my bed, luxuriating in the lateness of the morning, the great night I had prior, and the quietness of my home  as the children were gone. He texted me around 11:30 AM asking what I was doing. I told him I was enjoying myself in my bed. Yes, I did give myself a few orgasms, but I really meant that I was enjoying being able to laze about in bed. He did get very suggestive after that, at which point I told him that I wanted to speak to him, so he called. I asked him what was up, what role I played in his life, and where does he see us ending up. He asked me where I was coming from so I told him that his actions do not necessarily equate to someone  who was just a friend. I mean, when we went out that day he couldn't resist putting my braless state on blast and touching me beneath my clothes. Since then he has not been forward  but still would drop a few lines here and there that indicated he was still interested. Anyway, that is beyond the point now as all I wanted was to establish boundaries and confirm that we were friends and no more. He blows up on me saying that I was trying to spin things on him and blame him for my issues. He then says that he is not holding me back from moving on if that is what I wanted to do. The nerve of him! I told him that I did not need his permission to do anything in my private life, the only conversation I was having was about me and him, and I wanted to get it clear that I was not going to be in a yo-yo relationship any longer. It got heated until I basically hung up on him.

I was livid! I deleted his number from my phone, and all the texts we've had. Dick pics included. I have NEVER done that before in the history of me being involved with him. I am truly done! The whole thing was just stupid. I am beyond the stupidity. This entry will be the last time I will write about him or us in great detail. I'll reconsider it if he shows up to my door with a gun or roses. But as it is right now, he's history and I have moved on.


blkmsm@gmail.com

The Aquarian...Again

So it happened. I hooked up with the Aquarian again. We stopped seeing each other but we never really lost touch. He texts me most days. Some days I blow him off. He will become overly concerned if I don't respond, so I do. He calls me ever so often, that is if I pick up. I'll admit I don't see a future between us. Why? Once bitten, twice shy I guess. I told him during one of our conversations that he did not see me as part of his life, therefore he did not inform me when a crisis was happening in his life. I had to hear from his friend that there was a death in his family and then wait weeks til he finally called me himself. Anyway, he has constantly apologized but I have not gotten over it and I do not intend to. I told him that I still enjoy his company and we had great sex so I wouldn't mind going out with him every now and then.

And so it happened this past Saturday, after me going through a hellish week, he finally convinced me to go out with him. I did not have the kids and I had a little free time so I took up the offer. I met him at this old cinema that showed only adult films. It was very seedy to say the least. It was clean, yes, but the clientele that hung around seemed like they were ready to pounce on you the minute you walked in. As a matter of fact, the Aquarian said that a man had approached him and tried to take his belt off while he was waiting for me. LOL! Serves him right!

Anyway, the balcony section of the theater was closed off to couples only. We climbed the winding staircase and at the top we passed a lounge with leather sofas, and a bathroom to the rear. It appeared to be very clean. We passed that area and went towards the seats. It was very dark but we could still make out the figures.There were a few couples sprinkled here and there.  I did not see much action but I saw some kissing and heard some moaning. So we sat down at the front of the balcony section, and when we looked down to the bottom of the screen up front there were thirsty dudes just waiting to get some action. Then Mr. Aquarian wasted no time. He was already trying to get in my panties but Miss Smarty Pants wore skinny jeans with a tie belt that took a hell of a lot of wiggling to get out of. I managed to do so and his fingers began to #OCCUPY my warmth below. After some heavy tonguing and groping and other things I will not mention I was in his lap, my back pressed against him, and feeling his solid reminder of why I fell for him in the first place.

It was different, to say the least. I experienced a heightened sense of arousal knowing that I was in a public place, with others more than likely watching. I did not even bother putting my pants back on as I walked out in my sweater and boots and led him back to the lounge area where he put me on my knees and finished the job properly. Of course he did a spit and polish while he got his Happy Meal and I was in orgasm heaven! We got cleaned up and left. While getting dressed another couple walked past us and glimpsed me half naked. Surprisingly, I did not feel the least bit shy about it. Another one of my fantasies has been fulfilled by this man and I didn't feel  squeamish about it at all. While walking out we caught another couple getting busy on the balcony. Good for them

The night was still young and although I had to work the next morning I agreed to let him take me for a drink. I was not dressed up to go to one of the upscale clubs nearby, and neither was he. Being so, I let him take me to a nightclub in the hood that I had never been to before. A relative of mine frequents it, and I understand it was recently renovated.

It was clean. The clientèle was not as ghetto as I had imagined it would be. And hey, the drinks were cheap and good. I only had a cranberry vodka. He had about 3 or 4 Bud Limes. While we were enjoying our drinks we talked about us, what went wrong, and he expressed his desire to be with me again. I told him that I was a mess and I did not want to get serious right now. He asked me how I expected him to take me seriously when I did not want to get serious. I had no answer for him, except that I knew in my heart that I was not interested in being with him like that again. His final statement regarding that was that someone must have hurt me real bad. I said yes.

The music was popping! Old school hip hop, R&B, and reggae were pumping through the speakers. There were not many people on the dance floor, but everyone was bopping their head at least. We were hugged up and dancing the night away. I was really enjoying myself until a guy that looks EXACTLY like my ex walked in. He took a seat right next to where were standing at the bar. I froze. I felt my stomach tie up in knots. My stomach hurt so bad I turned pale. Almost immediately, the Aquarian asked me what was wrong. I told him I was tired and not feeling well. He asked me if I wanted to leave and at first I tried to soldier it out, but it came to a point where I could not take it any longer so he drove me back to my car.

Ever since then he has been insisting on seeing me, spending more time with me, doing things that couples do. I enjoy spending time with him, and I especially enjoy the wild. crazy sex we have. But I know that's just as far as it goes between us. I don't trust him. I know I have trust issues and once that trust has been violated, as far as I am concerned, everything coming out of your mouth is bullshit. So instead of driving myself crazy by doubting everything he says, I prefer not to get reattached. I will. however, keep tapping that dick as long as there's water in the pipes.



blkmsm@gmail.com

Earning The Red Wings

The college boo is back in town and asked if I was available tomorrow night. I told him that I was feeling unwell and was probably just gonna stay home and rest. I did tell him however to give me a call when he was in the area. The truth is, yes, I am not well, but I am on the rag.

So I asked a trusted friend of mine if she thought I should cancel on him because I have my period. She said no, I should tell him to come and get his red wings. I was like "WTF!!" LOL!!!!


Now, I am not an advocate of sexing during the red. I don't have anything against anyone who does. I am not saying that I have never bled during rough sex, nor have my period begin during an encounter. But to willingly and actively engage in sexual intercourse during the flow? Hell no!!!

I must admit that I am intensely horny at the very onset of my period. However, that feeling gets old real fast. I just can't imagine doing that for the mere fact that it is smelly. Who likes smelling blood? I sure as hell don't.

Now, I can see why some would like it. I mean, no need to use lube, right? Yech!!! Plus women are supposed to be very horny during this time. Can't deny that. Sorry, not messing up my good sheets. I can sleep on cum stains. Blood stains are a whole different matter.

Whatever, to each his own. I just know that is just one thing I will never do. Ever!!!

Would/have you?


blkmsm@gmail.com

One Of My Most Vulnerable Weeks To Date

This week was by far one of the worst I have had in the longest time! And not that any major negative event occurred  No! I was just feeling lousy. There are many unresolved issues at home. I feel as if individuals in my immediate support system are not pulling with me. I thought I would have been much further ahead by now as it  has been a year since I've been working. But not so. I feel alone in many of my struggles. But I've got so many good things going for me at the same time. In a year I've gotten back on track with my bills, I've been promoted, I've lost weight, I have an active social life, and I have quite a few suitors. So why the hell am I so depressed???

This entire week I have had the nastiest headache ever. My head feels as if it is spinning. I get dizzy. My blood pressure is elevated. I feel as if I am hyperventilating. I've lost 10 lbs in as many days. I am irritable. My mother said that I have become unapproachable. I am short with the kids, even though they have become quite nasty in the past few months. (A separate entry is required for this). They have become so horrible that I contemplated giving them up for adoption. I even contemplated getting back with their dad and going to counselling to work on our marriage. After that I contemplated suicide.

What the hell is wrong with me? This is not me at all. I am equating all this to mean that I am tired of being alone. Now even though I have my pick of men I would never bring any of them around my kids unless we were planning to get married. So this is what I want. I want to remarry. I want a partner to split the bills and dessert with, someone to make me tea when I am sick, or take turns checking on the kids when they are sick. Someone to help me with the gardening or picking out new paint. Someone to back me up when the kids are sassing me. And someone to steal a kiss from throughout the course of the day. Just someone to be there. Someone to be my rock. I don't have that. Sadly, not even from those closest to me. In all my pain my mother has never hugged me and told me things were going to be ok. I need that. I need someone who can tell me it's going to be OK, and to hold me and reassure me. Someone to comfort me and encourage me. And I want to do the same.

So, I think I am in marriage mode now. I'm ready.

blkmsm@gmail.com

How To Dine Beneath A Two Legged Table

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When Your Vagina Is Angry With You

Ever had a burning itch? Odor? Just a general feeling of being unwell down there? No, this is not a Vagisil commercial. This post is just a holla at my suffering sisters to remind you all to fear not! Vaginal infections are just as common and annoying as the cold and nothing to be ashamed of. I am currently down with BV (bacterial vaginosis) and I am wasting 5 good days out of my life inserting this gel; 5 good days that I could have been sexing my lover. Ironically, that was how I got it in the first place. My vajayjay does not always agree with condoms, so excessive use of such tends to throw off the PH balance which tends to result in a very angry and irritated coochie.

I've never been prone to yeast infections but did get one once when I was on a high dose of antibiotics and did not know that eating yogurt would prevent such. Other than that and a couple of UTI's when I was younger, I've been relatively incident free down there.  But for many women, it's like a nightmare. Recurring yeast infections and things of that nature tend to be an annoying part of their lives.


Some personal tips from moi include some which you already know but bears repeating:

• Loosen Up -  I'm guilty of wearing thongs, lace, and satin when the men friends come around but the cotton bikini is what I wear most of the time. Once HSS came over unexpectedly and he was shocked that I was wearing "granny panties" *rolleyes*. I told him if he had a problem with it he should take it off, and so he did..LOL!

• Cleanliness is next to godliness - personal hygiene goes a long way. Wipe front to back, change pads, tampons, panty liners frequently, and don't use regular soap down there. I use Summer's Eve as it is not irritating.

• Become a pro - at probiotics that is. The active cultures is supposed to promote the growth of good bacteria throughout your body. Since I've been regularly eating yogurt I have not had a single yeast infection.

Please, if you don't think something is normal down there get it checked out. Ignoring small problems can lead to larger ones such as  infection of the uterus and ovaries, as well as infertility. Also, it is not such a bad idea to have a full scale STD test if you are sexually active. I sure as heck got one! Below is what I believe are a couple of great links for women out there who suffer from these conditons:

Prevent Vaginal Infections
Types of Vaginal Problems
Pinpointing the Source of Vaginal Infections
Yeast Infections and Vaginitis - Causes, Symptoms, Treatment


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