Neither Hair Nor There

I decided to give up the creamy crack. I last relaxed my hair in July of 2010. Well, before this past weekend. I decided to go ahead and perm the hair because I just couldn't find the time to give it the comb out and TLC it required as the naps were growing in. I had been wigging it for months but summer is fast approaching and the scalp is growing claustrophobic as the days get warmer.

So I went to the hair store and got a big jar of Olive Oil regular strength relaxer. I knew it had lye in it but figured that because my hair went so long without a perm, a stronger base would be needed. Before I even got to doing the front, the back of my head was throbbing with pain. By the time I applied the last of the relaxer to the front quarter I was flying to the sink to rinse my hair out.

I winced in pain as the back of my head felt as if it had been lit on fire. The last front quarter was not even processed properly, and back there is now feeling like apple sauced dried up back there with all the scar tissue. What's a chick to do? I wanted to rock a cute half wig so I had to have my hair permed. My hair was knotted and matted and looking like it locked on its own. I am not a high maintenance chick. I like wash and go but I don't even have time to wash as often as I should.

*sigh*


blkmsm@gmail.com

Clubbing Over 25

So last night I decided to round up a group of girlfriends and hit the clubs. I put on the shortest dress I could find, slipped on my favorite pair of heels, donned a new wig, and rocked my meticulously applied makeup. Ain't nobody dope as me cuz I was just so fresh and clean.

The spot we went to was supposed to be this ultra chic, upscale nightclub. Well they had free valet, nice! But when I stepped in I was sorely disappointed. Not that the club was mostly vanilla, but the patrons were mostly kids, itty bitty mens, not one potential future ex husband in sight.

The music was not doing it for me. Now I love a good mix of house, top 40's, hip hop, r&b, and reggae. I love it all. But the mix was not consistent for me to hold a vibe so of course I went straight for the bar. Because it was my birthday outing I kept getting free drinks all night. I had a Long Island Iced Tea, 2 shots of Ciroc, and a glass of Chardonnay from this Polish-Russian guy who invited me to his VIP section. I only stayed there long enough to finish the glass of wine and give him an obligatory dance. He was nice though and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I reciprocated then bounced.

Afterwards, I was jonesing for an after hour spot, but those only take place in the hood, and when you get to be over 25 you don't like partying with the hood rats like you did back in the day. I have been in joints where there have been shoot outs or stabbings. Nuh-uh. Not I.  So while I was jonesing for a decent after hour spot, some of my girls were jonesing for food, and others for some sleep. They all won. They grabbed some food from a Jamaican joint that was open and we went home.

I slept in until 10:30am then woke up with the nastiest headache I have ever had in my life. I was partially blind. I forced myself to get up because I was sooo nauseous. I threw up a few times throughout the day. I took some ibuprofen (800mg) but the headache was not going anywhere so I stayed in bed. It was at this point that told myself :


"I am getting too old for this shit."

Back in the day I could drink any man under the table. I have never felt as fucked up as I did this morning. I am truly getting older. I am past my prime. I can't believe that I can't handle my liquor anymore. Getting wasted and hung over is so not grown and sexy, the category I see I now belong in. Tres sad!

Asphyxophilia

Sooo...yours truly is toying with the idea of trying this. I  subconsciously hold my breath right before I orgasm so why not? I am getting so turned on with a whole necktie scenario that has been playing out in my mind. Wonder if HSS would wanna try this? Hmmm. Yes it is dangerous, and I am a danger fiend!


So what exactly is asphyxophilia? According to Wiktionary it is:

"Literally, the love of asphyxia. A sexual practice, generally not terminal (and even then probably only accidentally), of arranging to produce asphyxia at the moment of orgasm. The practice may have originated from the observation, described in a novel by the Marquis de Sade, that hanged males sometimes achieve erection and even ejaculation before dying."


So this is not exactly some mainstream sexual act. As the name Marquis de Sade indicates, it would be considered an act of sadomasochism or S&M. I can't say I am a full blown sadist. I do not receive joy from whipping someone raw or being spanked til my ass throbs in pain. I love a tap here and there, or a bite here and there and maybe a little bit of hot wax (not poured all over my body but rubbed in). But sorry Ri-Ri, whips and chains do not excite me. 


With regards to breath play, as asphyxophilia is commonly called, I think I am turned on by the idea because I know how intense my orgasms are when I hold my breath. H.S.S. says he can always tell when I am about to come because I fall deathly silent, my eyes are shut tight, and I get very tense. Almost as if I am in a trance, and yes I can tell you I feel as if I am about to levitate.


There is a whole world out there concerning breath play. I stumbled upon this website that promotes safe breath play and even gives an instructional to the different kinds of breath play. I had no idea there were so many ways of skinning this cat! The website also acknowledges the dangers associated with such activities. At the foundation of breath play is mutual respect and trust between the two parties. Respect that if I do not like this you will stop, and trust that you will not kill me in the process. Interestingly enough, it was revealed that out of 25 million people in the US, it is estimated that 250 will die of erotic asphyxiation in a year. This is not for the faint of heart. This may not be your cup of tea. But it's good to know what kind of sexual options we have in this world today isn't it?

It Really Hit Home

My girls are going to grow up without their dad. Maybe they will see him once a year. But they are going to grow up without him.  And it hurts. I tried my best. I told myself that I was going to get married and have kids. I am very traditional when it comes to having children out of wedlock. I was born out of wedlock (even though my parents married after 36 years of being together *rolleyes*).

I grew up without my father being around for most of my life. He would come once a year for 3 weeks at a time. It was other men in my life who taught me how to ride a bike without training wheels, tie a Windsor knot, fly a kite, and finally, to drive. These men were either friends of my mother, her ex boyfriend, or the father of my best friend. I would get jealous visiting my cousins who had their dad at home with them. I felt so out of place, like a black sheep.

 Lord knows I tried, but my best was not good enough. I could not control the external circumstances. I got some news just now from a reliable source that the STBE is most likely leaving the country in the next couple years. While I feel happy that he won't be nearby to harass me, I am deeply saddened for my girls. I also see I have some work ahead of me to find surrogate fathers for them. I believe that it is very important for little girls to have a male figure in their lives so that they can know how to relate to one when they are older.

I had considered H.S.S. as a good one as he is the father of a little girl as well, and a very good one too. I thought of it but decided to halt with that notion until I knew for certain what was going on with us. I suppose when the dust settles in that arena I could bring it up. Despite the fact that we were broken up, we remained a part of each other's lives as friends, and I doubt that we will ever stop being friends if we should even decide to stop being intimate.

Anyway, my mind is not even on that portion of it as it is too far down the road, but I feel as if I failed my girls.

I Am Aware Of My Clitoris

Are you? 

Today is Clitoris Awareness Day. It is also National Weed Day. I am kinda offended that my clit didn't get it's own day of recognition. Why did we have to share with cannabis? At least we don't share the day with HIV Awareness. Yeow!

Anyway, I have been aware of my clitioris since the age of 12, when out of curiosity I discovered how my "down there" works. I have not looked back since.  I am aware of how engorged and phallic it becomes during heightened arousal. I am aware that sometimes my clit does not like to be stroked every single day. Sometimes it makes me aware that I need to use some lube. It does not like the super fast vibrators, but prefers a gentle hum. It also does not, *gasp*, enjoy too much cunnilingus. The intense pressure exerted from a good tongue wash can prove to be too much. It goes months between appointments and it is making me aware that one is due right about now. I texted H.S.S. and told him that he should come honor my clit in observance. He laughed and said he was working tonight.

Enjoy your clits ladies, and become aware of their likes and dislikes. Thank God we don't live in a place like Somalia where they cut off women's clits so that they do not enjoy sex. Ouch! By the way, is this even a real day of recognition? LOL!


blkmsm@gmail.com

Full Circle

So he came over last night. And yes, I'll get right to it. We did end up doing the nasty. But that was not even the highlight of it all.

Saturday night was a wash, literally. We had a bad storm pass through and I was knocked out early so he did not make it over. I didn't call him on Sunday. I pretty much went on about my business as I had promised myself. Then at about 8:30pm my cell rings. It's him. He wants to sleep over. I ask him why tonight (Sunday) of all nights. We both have an early start in the morning and he never spends the night on a Sunday. He said because he just wanted to be with me. So I said "fine, come over". He confirmed that we had a date.

I did not make a big fuss as I usually did when he was coming over. Minimal makeup. Don't care hair. Dressed down clothes. The one thing I did select carefully was my underwear. It wasn't the sexy come hither style I would normally rock but a cute satin and lace set. Oh, I had shaved the night before and didn't even bother with a touch up. LOL!

So he gets here straight from work. He heads straight to the shower and asks me to join him. I declined. When he came out he asked me for a back rub and I was happy to oblige (still fully clothed). He asked me about my week and I remained as vague as possible. He noticed and it obviously agitated him. I slowly began to open up some more and he seemed to relax a bit. We chit chatted about everything and nothing, and for the first time in a long time, I truly felt like my friend was back. We just relaxed and watched my new favorite series (The Borgias) until I decided to turn over and go to sleep. How he did it I don't know, but I was disrobed and doing the deed in no time.

The intimacy between us was different. I do not know how to explain it. It was like a burst of energy was going back and forth between us. An unspoken language. Suddenly, I felt my oxytocin levels rise. I was in sheer bliss. I could not stop smiling. And he saw it in my eyes. Then he could not stop smiling either. When we cuddled afterwards, I had the biggest grin on my face. I laid there with my head on his chest, him with his arms around me, me listening to his heartbeat and feeling as if we were in unison. It felt so perfect. So right. I told him I was going to sleep and he kissed me goodnight. I think that was the first time he's kissed me goodnight. As I drifted in and out of sleep I thought to myself that I could sleep with him beside me for the rest of my life. That is a new feeling for me. I don't like to share my bed. My husband and I had separate bedrooms. I used to imagine smothering him with the pillow when he used to snore. With H.S.S. I find his snore amusing. I find his body next to mine heavenly.

I love the man. And I know the man loves me. I don't know what to make of our future. I think I am enjoying this stage in our relationship right now. The stage where I know that something is in the making, waiting for him to make the next move, and in his own way he has. If he did not want to be with me he would have completely shut down after I told him how I felt, but he didn't. He still wanted to spend time with me. I have faith that what will be, will be. I am enjoying us and our together time. If that is all that is meant to be, then that is all there is all there is to it. But I know that there is a reason that after so many years and so many miles, we still end up with each other. It's almost as if we are on the cusp of coming full circle.

blkmsm@gmail.com

I Have Set A Date!

So I was planning to do it sooner, like 6 months after  our separation. He is residing in the Midwest now so I decided to wait until he settles down back here on the East Coast.

It will be painful. I can see it already. He still has his eyes set on us being a family once again. Recently he made an offer to finance my graduate studies. I have not accepted. He still feels like it is his responsibility. It is not. We are no longer a family unit. We were not a family unit long before he left.

So recently I was speaking to a male friend of mine about the situation and he pretty much told me to gear up for some negative backlash. Given the fact that he wanted to reconcile and I did not, there is bound to be some hurt feelings flying around. Also, the fact that I will retain all the assets and leave him with nothing but the clothes on his back and maybe his 37" LCD that is in the bedroom is bound to cause animosity. If his dragon of a mother wants back any of the pieces of furniture that she gave us when we got married then she is more than welcome to take them. I will not let material things get in the way. But I am not giving up the house as this is our home. He may have fronted most of the cash but I put my heart and my soul into this house. Our children were born here and this house will be theirs when I am gone.

As to the custody of the children, that is a moot point. This is their home and this is where they will reside. If he should relocate back to the area then he can see them on the weekends and during the week too if they have no scheduled activities. Child support I will not file for if I do not have to. I do not believe I should have to tell a man that his children need certain things in order to thrive.

I will not use the children as leverage against him. No matter how bad our relationship was, I will not prevent him from being a father to his children. My instincts tell me that he will reveal his true colors eventually and they will feel indifferent about his presence in their lives but that is much later on.

So the first step is filing that paperwork. I am going to get in touch with my lawyer soon and begin to strategize what course of action we are going to take and how we are going to execute this. I have to do this for many reasons. Financial, spiritual, emotional. I also believe that once I close this chapter of my life, I can open new doors. Who knows, maybe my being legally married is what's keeping H.S.S. from saying yes to committing out of fear that I might decide to reconcile. I can't deny that I have thought about doing so, but I get jolted back to reality pretty quickly when I remember all the turmoil I went through.

I also wonder what will happen after the divorce. Like this blog for example. I won't be a married single mom anymore. A title change is definitely in the forecast!


blkmsm@gmail.com